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Fantasy versus Reality – Part 2: Having a threesome what does it mean?

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

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What does it mean to have a threesome?

In our mind’s eye we have our own vision of what a threesome will be like. We are the producer, the director, the writer, the characters, the stage hands, and the PR company.  Essentially we are in full control of what happens and the outcome in a fantasy. If we find the fantasy enjoyable enough we might consider taking a few steps in order to “test the water” about having an actual threesome with the belief it will be very similar to the fantasy or be very much like a threesome in a porn movie.  Then that fantasy becomes even more powerful since we are now trying to recreate it by recreating every detail. Finally we ask ourselves is it possible to make a fantasy a reality?

Wading in the shallow in of a threesome, in order to “test the water,” the first layer of the fantasy is shed. We begin to discover there are questions that need to be answered such as:

  • Will my partner be up to  this?
  • How do I convince my partner this is a good idea?
  • How do I someone that is willing to join us?
  • What impact will it have on my personal life / relationship?
  • What are the risks?
  • How do I protect my / our  privacy?
  • Will my / our friends, family, and co-workers find out?
  • How do I plan for my / our safety?
  • What happens if this is a regular thing or my partner wants to continue with this?
  • How will I react?

These and other questions are the first time we are confronted that there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy.

If you are a couple then at some point, early in the process, the idea needs to be discussed. This author feels, for a couple’s first time then the discussion does not necessarily need to be a drawn out discussion but some form of discussion needs to exist. At a minimum boundaries, how the relationship is going to survive, the type of person being sought, and how time is to be divided including feelings that it may bring up should be discussed. In contrast for a single person they can immediately begin their search.

Once a couple is confident they want to have a threesome after discussing it then there next step is searching for the person. If a couple is searching for another male then the search might be fairly quick since there is a plethora of interested males. In contrast for the single male the competition is fierce; they need to be able to differentiate themselves, in a good way, from their competition and preserve through the sea of rejection that will likely follow.  Plus they need to accept that it is the couple, not them, who are in control since the couple can be choosey about the male they invite. However, the situation for a single woman is different. She is sought after by couples due to very few being interested and she unlike her single male counterpart has more negotiating power with the couple. This means for the couple, unless they are pursuing another couple with a male that have an interest in a voyeur role, then they could be searching for a long time or may have to court the single female before she agrees to the threesome.

The fundamental difference between having a threesome and the fantasy lies in the threesome itself, including afterwards. Nothing can fully prepare a new couple for the experience. From the outset it requires them to be social, to be honest, to continuously evaluate the situation, and to put feelings aside for the greater purpose of having a threesome. On paper, this sound easy, but in reality it is much more difficult. It requires going against most religious teachings about relationships, it requires putting aside feelings such as jealousy, it requires relying on your knowledge of your partner instead of what you are witnessing, and it requires going against society’s teachings about monogamy.  Along with this it requires keeping to the agreed boundaries, finding someone that is compatible with you, and it requires planning a threesome in order to keep feelings from developing. In contrast for the invited person, it requires not interfering with the couple’s relationship, working out boundaries with them, and being able to keep a distance from them in order to prevent feelings from developing.

This means for the couple nothing can fully prepare them for the experience and the feelings afterwards. Also this means nothing can prepare them seeing their partner having sex with someone else while they watch or have sex with someone else while their partner watches. Then afterwards deal with the conflicting emotions that the experience may bring up and any lasting effects the threesome might have bring.

For the single individual it means accepting the couple will remain a couple afterwards and that your role in their lives, albeit intense for a short-period of time, is insignificant. This means for the most part nothing much will come of it. Also, it means being able to disengage from the couple after the threesome and not interject yourself into their relationship. Finally for the single individual, it means being able to care enough about the couple that your threesome with them does no harm.

In conclusion, the fantasy of having a threesome is a fantasy where everything works out and the experience is the hottest experience ever; whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different. Having a threesome can be quite an erotic experience that you will remember for the rest of your life or it can be an experience that you wish you never had. A lot comes down to preparation, communication, and making the right choices. However there is a part that is left up to chance that cannot be controlled. This means no matter how much preparation goes into making a threesome like the fantasy, it will never happen since there is the unknown that cannot be controlled. Finally in answer to the question, it means anyone who opts to have a threesome should do it because they want the experience, understand the risk involved, and are willing to accept the outcome instead of believing their fantasy threesome will be the same as having threesome in reality.

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Common places to have a threesome

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

 

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One of the biggest challenges a couple will face when planning a threesome is where to have it and it is important to remember all threesomes have inherent risks, for example: pregnancy, risk to the relationship,  safety, and STI/ STDs, There are several different places to have it and this article will explore some of the more common places along with their advantages and disadvantages.

 

Home: This is the place where the couple lives and provides them with a level of familiarity. By having a familiar place it will help them to feel comfortable and can help the couple be more responsive thereby allowing them to enjoy the threesome more. However there are some issues with having a threesome at their home. First is a loss of privacy, neighbors may see you bringing in a stranger and the third person knowing where you live. This can lead to further issue such as safety and having your identity stolen. Another issue bringing the third person to your home can pose, children unexpectedly waking up or walking in on the activity.  Final issue is getting the third person to leave after the threesome. Normally this does not seem to be a major issue but it can be if they are not ready.

 

Third Person’s Residence: As an option this addresses many of the issue above but it can increase the risk to safety. Along with the issue of safety, going to a strange place may make being responsive difficult and it can create a very uncomfortable feel.  Also, if they live a far distance from the couple’s residence it may make travelling to their place impossible and if they have children then the children will be exposed to the threesome.

 

Hotel / Motel: Offers a good alternative between staying at someone’s home and bringing someone into your home. It offers a good way of protecting identity and possibly providing a relaxed atmosphere for a threesome.  However, this choice can be expensive and not all lodging places welcome this type of activity. It is possible, though this author feels the risk is generally low, if there is an arrangement to split the cost, the couple pays for the room(s), or the invited third person pays for the room(s) then it is possible that there is a risk of being charged with prostitution. The risk increases if the lodging facility does not approve of the activity and the laws regarding prostitution can be liberally interpreted in applying it to a threesome situation. This author feels the best way to avoid this risk is by having each book a room and pay for their own room.

 

Dogging:  This is an activity that is popular in England and it involves having sex in public. Typically there are locations that are known where this activity occurs and you can meet someone for some anonymous sex. It poses several risks such as risk to safety, risk of arrest, and risk of STDs / STIs.

 

Swingers Clubs: Like a hotel / motel they offer a good place for a threesome. Nonetheless there are several issues with them such as cost and distance (since they tend to be in / near large metropolitan cities). Also couples need to be clear about their boundaries, be willing to discuss their boundaries, and be willing to mingle to find someone.

 

Online – Webcam / Instant Messenger / Chatrooms: Having an online threesome offers a couple an opportunity to have a threesome without the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases from the invited third person, along with greater protection for their relationship. It also offers the third person a voyeur role whereby they can watch the couple having sex.  While having an online threesome allows an interaction there are some distinct disadvantages.  A disadvantage is the artificialness of the experience. Having to interact online and not be physically present can act as a barrier thereby removing some of the spontaneity. Another disadvantage lies in the rules of the site and the law. By having a threesome online it could violate the Terms of Service of the site and potentially be in violation of the country’s law, especially if one of the participants is under the age of 18.

 


 

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