How do you know if you have found the third person?

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Miscellaneous, Relationships, Threesome opinions by

IMG_8490_pencil sketchAfter Posting the Profiles and Respond to Replies, What is Next?

Introduction

Searching for a third person to join a threesome takes a lot of work. After posting profiles on various web sites and responding  the work can bring 50 – 100 replies in less than 72 hours. After sifting through all of them you identify 10 that seem like a possible match? So, how to you make the right decision?

Making the right decision is not based on an accepted standard but based on the needs of the couple. It is the couple’s expectation, boundaries, and the type of person they are seeking that will drive their selection. Selecting the third person is driven by their discussions about what they want and expect from a threesome. Even when the couple believes they have done everything possible to make the right decision sometimes the unexpected happens. This article is meant to present some ideas on how the decision process might operate but the ultimate decision lies with the couple.

Are you Being Realistic?

Probably the very first question that should be asked, are we being realistic? This means are the expectations and standards being used realistic? Examples include:

  • Meeting someone with celebrity looks and body instead of someone with normal features. Looking for someone with celebrity looks may mean a long-time searching to find the person that meets your expectations.
  • Expecting the third person to be a great communicator and highly sociable even though many of us are nervous about meeting new people. The first time talking with the individual maybe awkward and expecting an electrifying experience probably will not happen.
  • Expecting instant and electrifying ‘chemistry’ even though it may take some work or time before any ‘chemistry’ develops.
  • First-time will just be like the porn movies. Reality is very different from the movies. If for example you are pursuing a two male threesome then it is possible one of the males might suffer ‘performance anxiety’ or due to the stress of the situation be a fast ‘cummer.’ For the woman she many find climaxing or becoming lubricated to be difficult, if not impossible.
  • Believing the invited male will be well endowed and believing everything in their profile is 100% true. Size, in this author’s opinion, should not be the defining feature to choosing someone. In addition, profiles become outdated and they can be overstated.

Without having realistic expectations it means at a minimum the threesome most likely will be disappointing since expectations were too high and at its worse it will mean the threesome will not happen because no one is able to meet such high standards.

Take it at you own speed

Some people believe those who are slow to respond or will not meet after the first reply are not legitimate. Whilst, the point is understandable, it does not take into account the schedule of the couple, the time they have to devote to their search, and it does not take into account that the couple may just be starting out. The best way to approach this, I believe, is to be upfront in any reply, profile or ad about how fast things will happen. In my opinion one of the worst things that can happen is being forced into making a decision about a threesome or having a threesome with a specific individual before being ready. Therefore it is best to progress at a speed that is comfortable and not change it for fear of loosing a possible playmate.

Initial Contact and Sequential Contact

As stated above progress at a speed that is comfortable for you. For couples just starting out my recommendation is to have your first contact via email with a lot of questions. Below are a few suggestions for questions:

  • If using a threesome / dating site ask questions based on their profile
  • What is your experience with threesomes?
  • Have you had many threesomes?
  • If they had a threesome:
    1. what was an enjoyable about it?
    2. What was not enjoyable?
    3. How long did the threesome relationship last?
    4. Why did it end?
  • Are you currently dating anyone?
  • Are you in a relationship?
  • What are your expectations for a threesome?
  • What are your boundaries?
  • Have you ever had an STD? If so, what is it? Are you now clean?
  • What would you like to try / explore in this threesome?
  • Are you comfortable with a one-off situation?
  • Do you practice safe-sex?

The above questions are not an exhaustive list of questions you can ask a potential third person but a sample of possible questions. Then the replies can serve the basis for more questions.

Probably after a few cycles of reply there will be a sense if this is someone that you want to pursue. If you are interested in pursuing them then the next step should be a phone call. Ideally a pay-as-you-go, sometimes called no contract, mobile / cellular phone works great. They can be quite cheap under £50 (UK) / $50 US. Plus the phone is disposable thereby protecting your home number and personal cellular / mobile from being called.

Again, be realistic about the call. The call is not meant to be erotic and most likely at least one of you will be nervous. Instead, the call is meant to make some contact with the other person and begin to form a relationship that could be used for a future threesome. Before making the call the couple should agree the content and purpose of the call. Is it to make contact and decide after a few more calls to have a threesome. Alternatively is it to arrange a meeting to see if there is compatibility? When making the call it will be a good idea if both members of the couple are present since the invited person will, most likely want, to confirm they have been corresponding with a couple. Since it is not a face-to-face meeting and there is a good chance that at least one is nervous or wanting to impress, the call is not a good judge of compatibility.

At some point if there is enough interest, all three will meet. Meeting should not be equated with the notion that the threesome will definitely occur. Instead it should be seen as an opportunity to meet the other person in order to determine if there is enough compatibility for a threesome to occur.

Ideally for a couple who are new to threesomes they should consider if the first meeting is a meet and greet. A meet and greet is where all three meet in a public area but no sex occurs during that meeting. This means the purpose of the meeting is a no-pressure situation whereby compatibility and interest ascertained before sex occurs. Thereby giving the couple a chance to discuss the idea and make the decision regarding having a threesome.

What is compatibility?

Compatibility means there is enough interest and physical attraction by all three for a threesome to occur. At a very high-level it means enough is known about the other person in order to allow a threesome to occur and it also means it is not a relationship situation where a lot of time is needed for a decision for a threesome to be reached. Some things to consider when considering if the person is compatible:

  • Are you comfortable around them? Is your partner comfortable around them? If both of you are not comfortable around them then they are not compatible.
  • Can you see yourself / your partner having sex with them? If they elicit feelings such as anger, depression, or jealousy then they are not a good choice
  • Are their values in line with yours? If you feel they are not a part of your station / crowd in life then it might be a good idea to pass on them.
  • How do they act towards you and your partner? If they show an interest in one then a good chance they are not compatible?
  • Do you feel either your partner / spouse or you are carrying the conversation? Again probably not compatible?
  • When they talk where is their eye contact and who are they including? If they are not making eye contact or not working to include both of you in the conversation then there is a good change they are not compatible?
  • How relax do you and your partner feel around them? If both of you are relaxed and the conversation easily flows then a good chance they are compatible.

Conclusion

Finding the right person does not mean settling for the first person nor does it mean rejecting everyone because they do not meet a very high standard. Instead it means closely examining if they are compatible with you and examining your comfort level with them. Also it means taking a close look regarding your expectations for the planned threesome and trying to keep them as realistic as possible. By this it means the greater the chance the person that is chosen is the right person. Finally, in answer to the question, you know you have possibly found the right person when there is no pressure to meet and there are signs that they are compatible with the you.

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