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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3 – being confident

Posted in Threesome opinions by

IMG_8702Introduction

Think of a time in your life where the outcome was not known but before the event some preparation occurred. For many of us, finals at university or preparing for a job interview are examples. Now ask yourself, “did I feel confident?” Mostly there was nervousness from fear of the unknown but there was also an underlying confidence of that came from preparing.  The confidence that came from preparing made it possible to work through being confronted with the unknown and being able to get through the experience.

In many ways persuading them to have a threesome is akin to preparing for finals at university or preparing for a job interview. Why do I use these analogies? Your partner / spouse will be wanting answers and gauging your response. If you were considering the idea of having what will persuade you more, a partner / spouse that was uncomfortable with the idea or a spouse / partner that is confident? How do you develop the confidence to persuade your spouse / partner to have a threesome?

Getting comfortable with idea

Having a threesome means having an experience that is out of the realm of experiences for about 80% – 95% of adults. At the heart of a threesome, involves having someone on watch while the other engages sexually with someone else. By not previously having this experience it may mean the impact of introducing someone else and then having sex with them maybe underestimated.

So, if you never had the experience and group sex experience is out the range of human experience, how do you get comfortable? There are some good free sites, besides this one, that can offer support.  A good starting point are Reditt’s cuckold  and swingers community. Also Society for Human Sexuality’s web site offers a good introduction to the topic but the one drawback it focuses on swinging as lifestyle instead of an experience. Another good free site includes Yahoo! Answers and Groups United States site. Finally there are some books that can help with the subject.

Another aspect involves communicating with a third person on a very intimate level and being present when it occurs. This runs contrary to what all of us have been taught about monogamy and relationships. Talking, flirting, and intimate touching can be unnerving to watch when it involves someone you love interacting intimately with someone else.

The above gives you information regarding what it may be like having a threesome and the information comes from other peoples’ experiences. Next step involves using that information and formulating what it may be like. Then from there it is deciding what a threesome could be like. Once you have enough information it means asking yourself, “is having a threesome with my spouse /partner something I want?”

Think of your partner’s / spouse’s needs

It may seem counter intuitive to think of your partner’s / spouse’s needs instead of your own. Having a threesome is much more than the physical act of sharing bodily fluids among three people. It is a journey for a couple and a communication exercise. This means understanding where the relationship is, where it is going, and understanding the impact of a threesome. Essentially it means thinking the idea through before suggesting it and before speaking with them it is important to think:

  • What will they get from having a threesome?
  • How will it impact them?
  • What will be their fears?
  • What will they like about the experience?
  • How will it impact your relationship?
  • How will it impact your ability to interact and support them?

The above are some of the questions that need considering before discussing the idea and as you discuss the idea with them. By going through this exercise it will help you better understand discussing having a threesome goes beyond the needs of an individual but the needs of everyone involved.

Putting it together

Discussing the idea of having a threesome can be fraught with issues. Nonetheless, during the discussions your partner / spouse will be surmising, trying to determine your level of confidence and motivation for suggesting the idea. If your partner / spouse feels you ulterior motives  or if your spouse / partner feels you are looking for conflict then it is likely the discussion can spiral into conflict.

One method of trying to avoid conflict and have an open discussion about the idea of having a threesome involves speaking being confident. This means thinking through the idea, understanding what is involved, and being able to openly discuss the idea without resorting to manipulation.

By understanding what may occur in a threesome, understanding how it relates to your situation, and then communicating those ideas can build confidence in your partner that having a threesome might be the right idea.

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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Finding threesomes in the vanilla world

Posted in Fantasy versus Realtiy of Having a Threesome, Terminology, Threesome opinions by

Longitudinal view of a vanilla flower, showing...Finding the Third Person amongst Friends & Co-workers

Introduction

This topic is a topic that was suggest to me from one of the fans of this site. Vanilla for those who are not familiar with the term means those who do not have group sex experience because they have never had one or choose not to have the experience. Looking for the third person in the vanilla world poses both challenges and questions.

The challenge is finding someone that is interested approximately 14% is interested in having a threesome. This means 86 out of every 100 adults is not interested in having a threesome. Spending valuable time searching in the vanilla world means spending a lot of time of finding someone who has not expressed an interest in having threesome, finding them, and then trying to convince them to consider the idea. Instead of using valuable time speaking to people who have already expressed an interest.

Also this raises questions such as, is ethical to approach someone who has not expressed an interest in having a threesome and trying to convert them? What type of impact will it have on them? Their life? If married, what impact will it have their relationship and family? Where does the responsibility lie for the person trying to convert a vanilla? All of these questions need to be considered when looking for someone in vanilla world.

My view

As someone who has a had threesome experiences my belief unless the person in the vanilla world approaches about having a threesome then it is best to leave alone. Why? Based on my experience, there is enough people out there who express an interest in activity without having to look for someone who have never expressed an interest, a vanilla person. In addition I believe finding someone who has not previously expressed an interest carries its own unique set of risks. The primary risks includes lack of enjoyable experience, which can be due to several reason such as: vanilla person not being compatible, the vanilla person having feeling negative towards the idea, and their lack of experience coupled with their previous lack of interest. This brings up questions, such as:

  • Is it right, morally or ethically, to try to get them interested?
  • What is my person responsibility to them if they do not like the experience?
  • Why them instead of looking for someone who has already expressed an interest?

With the internet having thousands of sites dedicated to threesomes, dating, and group sex sites finding a third online is fairly straightforward. Plus internet provides the opportunity for on-premise and off premise events to advertise online so finding someone that is interested is fairly easy.

Finding someone is easy but the challenge is finding someone that is compatible. If the couple is interested in a two male threesome then provided they do not live a rural mid-west town then finding a compatible person may take a little time; however, if they are committed in finding a third person then it should not take too long. Issues finding the third person, I believe, comes down to one of three reason location, lack of commitment in finding the third person or too restrictive standards.

Finding the third person in the vanilla world

Generally speaking there are two groups of people who fall into this category friends and co-workers. Co-workers carry a lot of risk especially when approaching a vanilla co-worker for a threesome and it could, for some people, be a career ending decision. It is therefore best avoiding approaching a co-worker.

Approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome is a lot like approaching your significant other for a threesome, it will forever change the relationship and it should not be done lightly, especially if the friend is a close friend. Friends, unlike a significant other, may end the friendship at the suggestion or may end the friendship after the threesome. It is important to weigh the risks, including if the friend is someone you are wiling to lose because of the threesome.

Colloquy approach is the best approach when approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome

My wife and I have been approached by friends for threesomes and we have approached a friend for a threesome. In each of the situation being direct was used. Being direct means, a colloquy discussion where being honest about what was being sought without the use of euphemisms and without the use of colloquialisms. It is a discussion that involves everyone and it is not a side-discussion amongst friends. The conversation involves talking about what is being sought, boundaries, and the length they are wanting (e.g. one-off, occasional, long-term).

The Threesome and afterwards

The threesomes we had with friends made the process a lot faster due our familiarity with each other. However it was a bit awkward since we were shifting from being friends to something different. It did not create any animosity between us; however over time we saw the friendship our friendships drift apart until they finally ended.

Conclusion

Looking for a vanilla playmate does not always work out and it carries its own challenges. If a couple due to location opts for a vanilla playmate then the best option is to look for a friend that they are willing to risk their friendship. When approaching a friend it is important all three are present to have an honest discussion about what is being sought. Once the threesome occurs it is likely the friendship will drift and ultimately end. It is therefore better to use the tools available to find an interested third than finding a vanilla playmate.

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