Interesting article that focuses on approaching a friend and stranger for a threesome. While I would not describe having a threesome as polyamory, as this author does, nonetheless I quite enjoyed this author’s writing style to discuss the subject. It is a great article well worth the time to read.
Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.
via Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.
Imagine, for a moment, the two of you believe you found someone that might make a great third person. They ask if, as a couple, you will accommodate them. Then, all of a sudden the possible threesome appears to be at the brink of collapsing because of the issue of accommodating, what do you do?
Accommodating, means you will at the very minimum you will host the threesome and most likely provide them with a place to stay for the night. Hosting means making the arrangements for the place fo the threesome to occur and if necessary, providing a place to stay.
There are at least two schools of thoughts. First is a social perspective that is founded on the principles of being a good host and taking care of your guest. This means the person(s) planning the threesome takes care of all of the details including where to have the threesome, ensuring everyone is comfortable and providing a place to stay for the third person. Essentially, when using the perspective, all of the details are taken care of and the threesome can happen freely without worry about time.
Second perspective, is factoring in distance. Like the social perspective whereby the host takes care of the details, the difference lies in providing accommodation. Under the distance perspective, if the couple and the third person do not need to travel far, typically less than 50 miles, to have the threesome then the person(s) arranging the threesome will not provide accommodation.
This brings up the question, if accommodating is required, what are the rules? Typically if it is the couple that is hosting then they will ideally discuss this prior to finding someone for a threesome, as a part of their initial discussion. A part of the discussion should focus around the topic of becoming emotionally attached, if the third person stays in their bed and the risk it can pose.
From an etiquette perspective there is nothing wrong with, if the couple has the space available asking the third person to sleep in a guest bedroom. This will help to keep an emotional distance between the couple and the third person. Likewise there is nothing wrong with having the third person stay in the bed with the couple provided the couple is comfortable with the idea and communicate their boundary to the third person.
In contrast, if it is the invited third person hosting their focus should be making the couple comfortable. This would mean discussing with the couple their plans for accommodating to ensure the couple is comfortable with the idea. This author feels if it is the first time the three are together and it is the third person hosting then careful consideration should be given to place the couple in the guest room in order to give them time to reconnect after the threesome and to talk privately about any issues that may have com up.
For some it may appear that if the third person is hosting then there is more of a restriction on them, from an etiquette standpoint. The reason for difference goes to the topic of dynamics. If the couple is hosting the threesome then they are aware of the plans, they have had the necessary discussions, and they are in control of the threesome. However, if it is the third person hosting then, to some extent, the couple is not aware of the plans of the third person. By placing the couple is a guest bedroom is to protect the couple from undue influence from the third person on the couple’s relationship, it shows the couple the third person respects their relationship and it gives the couple a chance to reconnect.
Another question that gets asked the extent, to which, the person accommodating should provide for their guest(s). This author feels if the third person is staying at their home then only the basics should be provided, such as: a separate toothbrush, toothpaste, towels, feminine hygiene products, and a clean bed. Then in the morning providing them with something to eat and drink before leaving. Furthermore this author does not feel accommodation should go as far as paying for the hotel room or paying for their travelling expenses since, in some jurisdictions, this may border on prostitution.
This brings up a fundamental question, regardless of the perspective, how comfortable are the participants with accommodating. If the threesome is to occur and spending the night together is an issue then all three must be comfortable with the idea. Being comfortable means it does not elicit any negative feelings (e.g. anger, jealous) and the couple believes it will not harm the relationship. If either is present then accommodating might cause more harm then good.
Last question accommodating brings up, regards boundaries. Boundaries in this situation can be detailed. If the couple will be sleeping separately from the third person then boundaries become less complex. In this author’s opinion the main boundaries that need to be discussed includes the when the third person will leave and communication with the couple after the threesome. However if all three will stay in the same bed then more issues need to be explored. Typical issues to be considered includes: touching in bed, contact allowed where each person will sleep, and other issues based on the threesome being planned. Without taking time to establish boundaries regarding accommodating then it is likely to create some negative feelings that could ruin the threesome.
In answering the question regarding accommodation two fundamental questions should be answered. First is the distance needed to be travelled and the impact on the couple’s relationship. If the distance for travelling to have a threesome is less than 50 miles or the couple feels it might adversely impact their relationship then accommodating should not occur. Likewise if there is a significant distance to travel or the couple is open to the idea then accommodating, at a minimum, should be discussed. Before any accommodating occurs there should be agreement about boundaries and how it will operate.
Introduction: How do you let others know you are interested in having a threesome? In the internet age ads are an avenue whereby an individual or a couple can attract others for a threesome. It is in essence a calling card letting people, with similar interests, know you are interested in having a threesome and decisions are made based on the information you provide.
When placing an ad or responding to an ad for a threesome, have you ever considered the rules? If you have not then you are not alone, since most of us have not. Hopefully this article, along with future articles, will help you consider the points needed when placing or responding to an ad.
Ad Placer: The ad is piece of information that attracts readers and says to them why they should pick you over the others. It needs to keep the reader’s interest and should reflect your personality. At a minimum the ad needs to include:
At this point there may be a temptation be very general in order to get as many replies as possible. The problem with this approach is you will receive many replies that do not meet your requirements and will lead to a lot of time being wasted. Instead, being specific in an ad, maybe feel counter-intuitive but it helps to limit the replies from people that do not meet your criteria.
This now raises the question, how do you write the ad in order to protect your identity? Best way is by creating an alias that provides personal information without identifying you. For example if you are a Bob (44) & Jo (38) a married couple in Northbrook, Il. You can become John (42) & Melanie (35) from Chicago. Protecting your identity online takes precedence over providing too much information that can put you at risk.
Next question, how do you write an ad that people will read and will keep their attention?. The ad should be well-written free of spelling mistakes, free of slang, and grammatically correct. Also it should be written at the level of the type of person you are trying to attract and should avoid trying to offend anyone. Finally the proper etiquette for receiving a reply to an ad is to respond to the reply even if it is, “Thank you for your interest but regret to inform you we have decided at this time to consider other replies that closer meet our ad.”
After writing the ad and editing it another question arises, what about the use of photos? There is debate about the use of pictures in an ad and the type of picture to be used. This author is ambivalent about using pictures, due to the fact they can be photo shopped or be copied from someone-else photos, thereby not being the couple / individual who placed the ad; nonetheless photos do remain a way of showing legitimacy and way of building trust. Furthermore photos show viewers that you have an interest in the activity and give any potential playmate a first impression of who are.
So what type of photo should you use? There are some who will say face shots are necessary in order to determine attraction and know what the person looks like if they meet. Reality remains most photos are either genital shots or shots of the individual in some form of sexual act. This is due to the poster of the photo not wanting to “out” themselves and to protect their identity by not showing their face.
What is the proper etiquette for photos in a threesome ad? Personally, I do not see anything wrong with genital shots in an ad. Since, it is probably the only type of photo that someone who is not open with friends and family about their activity is comfortable providing. Moreover, I would recommend the ad contain a body shot, without the face (neck down), or a shot of the individual / couple fully clothed from a distance. However, pictures of faces that have been edited to hide their face (e.g. pixilated or black line through the face) or pictures of the individual / couple that have people around them removed.
Next, this leads to the question what should be left out of the ad? Any personal information must remain out of the ad, such as: address, phone number, real names, place of employment, number of children, any family information, or anything that can identify you. Likewise, anything that does not directly relate to the reason for the ad can be kept out. For example you might want to include a bit of non-sexual information such as movie likes to attract a certain type of person to your ad but discussing your political views, for example, in an ad for a threesome has no place.
Finally this brings up the question, what is the etiquette for responding to an ad? Even if you are not interested then from an etiquette stand point you should respond with a simple, “thanks for taking the time to respond but we have decided to pursue other replies,” and if they ask for a reason then you can either ignore them or simply reinforce, you have chosen to pursue other replies without going into any more detail. However, if you find a reply you like then from an etiquette standpoint you should respond as quickly as possible and should try to build rapport with the replier by asking questions. At this point you probably should not ask for pictures or contact details until you have communicated enough with them to believe meeting is a strong possibility.
Responding to an ad:
Finding an individual or a couple that shares similar ideas can be quite exciting and being excited, can lead to loss of rationale when responding to an ad. It is possible to get “tunnel-vision,” by believing you are the only one responding or believing that the couple is going to chose you when the reality is, especially for couples looking for an mfm, they receive literally 100s of replies.
The starting point is finding a way to make your reply stand-out and be chosen for consideration. This means reading the ad in its entirety and responding to it directly. Think about why you are responding to their ad and what made it stand-out for you. Also consider the points about the type of person they want to meet and how you meet it. Your response does not need to be academic and it is important to let your personality show in your reply. However, remember your audience and remember the need to be respectful. If it is a couple you need to realize that male half, at some point will most likely read your reply. This means providing a generic response, a mass reply response, or being overtly sexual in your first contact with the ad placer is unacceptable.
What happens if you do not meet all of their requirements but want to respond? The starting point, be realistic about your chances and accept the less you meet their requirements the less likely you will receive a favorable. Nonetheless take time to highlight how you meet the requirements while not emphasizing how you do not meet their requirements. If you receive a “thanks for responding but we are not interested,” reply then accept it.
This leads to the question what else should not be included in a reply? If the ad does not ask for a photo then do not send one since they will most likely check out your profile. Also do not send your phone number or contact details unless it is requested by them after communicating with you. Finally do not go into detail about your life or give information not being sought.
Last point, if you do not receive a response back then do not push for a decision and if the response is a ‘no’ then continue your search. The worst thing you can do in this situation is continue replying to the ad or trying to debate with the ad placer why they were wrong in not choosing you. At a minimum they will block you and at worse your account will be suspended. Therefore it is not worth the time looking for an explanation or trying to convince them why they made the wrong decision.
Conclusion: Being honest and being specific are two essential elements for etiquette when responding to an ad for a threesome. It is the foundation that allows trust to build and allows for the threesome to occur. Furthermore protecting your identity is paramount and nothing should put your identity at risk. Anyone who requests too much personal information should be avoided. Lastly it is important when responding to any ad that the reply directly relates to the ad placed.
Threesomes and variations 