Etiquette for placing and responding to an ad for a threesome


Introduction: How do you let others know you are interested in having a threesome? In the internet age ads are an avenue whereby an individual or a couple can attract others for a threesome.  It is in essence a calling card letting people, with similar interests, know you are interested in having a threesome and decisions are made based on the information you provide.

When placing an ad or responding to an ad for a threesome, have you ever considered the rules? If you have not then you are not alone, since most of us have not. Hopefully this article, along with future articles, will help you consider the points needed when placing or responding to an ad.

Ad Placer: The ad is piece of information that attracts readers and says to them why they should pick you over the others. It needs to keep the reader’s interest and should reflect your personality.  At a minimum the ad needs to include:

  • Your boundaries
  • Your sexual interests including anything you might be willing to try.
  • The type of person / couple you are searching for
  • The type of threesome you are wanting

At this point there may be a temptation be very general in order to get as many replies as possible. The problem with this approach is you will receive many replies that do not meet your requirements and will lead to a lot of time being wasted. Instead, being specific in an ad, maybe feel counter-intuitive but it helps to limit the replies from people that do not meet your criteria.

This now raises the question, how do you write the ad in order to protect your identity? Best way is by creating an alias that provides personal information without identifying you. For example if you are a Bob (44) & Jo (38) a married couple in Northbrook, Il. You can become John (42) & Melanie (35) from Chicago. Protecting your identity online takes precedence over providing too much information that can put you at risk.

Next question, how do you write an ad that people will read and will keep their attention?. The ad should be well-written free of spelling mistakes, free of slang, and grammatically correct. Also it should be written at the level of the type of person you are trying to attract and should avoid trying to offend anyone. Finally the proper etiquette for receiving a reply to an ad is to respond to the reply even if it is, “Thank you for your interest but regret to inform you we have decided at this time to consider other replies that closer meet our ad.”

After writing the ad and editing it another question arises, what about the use of photos? There is debate about the use of pictures in an ad and the type of picture to be used. This author is ambivalent about using pictures, due to the fact they can be photo shopped or be copied from someone-else photos, thereby not being the couple / individual who placed the ad; nonetheless photos do remain a way of showing legitimacy and way of building trust. Furthermore photos show viewers that you have an interest in the activity and give any potential playmate a first impression of who are.

So what type of photo should you use? There are some who will say face shots are necessary in order to determine attraction and know what the person looks like if they meet. Reality remains most photos are either genital shots or shots of the individual in some form of sexual act. This is due to the poster of the photo not wanting to “out” themselves and to protect their identity by not showing their face.

What is the proper etiquette for photos in a threesome ad? Personally, I do not see anything wrong with genital shots in an ad. Since, it is probably the only type of photo that someone who is not open with friends and family about their activity is comfortable providing. Moreover, I would recommend the ad contain a body shot, without the face (neck down), or a shot of the individual / couple fully clothed from a distance. However, pictures of faces that have been edited to hide their face (e.g. pixilated or black line through the face) or pictures of the individual / couple that have people around them removed.

Next, this leads to the question what should be left out of the ad? Any personal information must remain out of the ad, such as: address, phone number, real names, place of employment, number of children, any family information, or anything that can identify you.  Likewise, anything that does not directly relate to the reason for the ad can be kept out. For example you might want to include a bit of non-sexual information such as movie likes to attract a certain type of person to your ad but discussing your political views, for example, in an ad for a threesome has no place.

Finally this brings up the question, what is the etiquette for responding to an ad? Even if you are not interested then from an etiquette stand point you should respond with a simple, “thanks for taking the time to respond but we have decided to pursue other replies,” and if they ask for a reason then you can either ignore them or simply reinforce, you have chosen to pursue other replies without going into any more detail. However, if you find a reply you like then from an etiquette standpoint you should respond as quickly as possible and should try to build rapport with the replier by asking questions. At this point you probably should not ask for pictures or contact details until you have communicated enough with them to believe meeting is a strong possibility.

Responding to an ad:

Finding an individual or a couple that shares similar ideas can be quite exciting and being excited, can lead to loss of rationale when responding to an ad. It is possible to get “tunnel-vision,” by believing you are the only one responding or believing that the couple is going to chose you when the reality is, especially for couples looking for an mfm, they receive literally 100s of replies.

The starting point is finding a way to make your reply stand-out and be chosen for consideration. This means reading the ad in its entirety and responding to it directly. Think about why you are responding to their ad and what made it stand-out for you. Also consider the points about the type of person they want to meet and how you meet it. Your response does not need to be academic and it is important to let your personality show in your reply. However, remember your audience and remember the need to be respectful. If it is a couple you need to realize that male half, at some point will most likely read your reply.  This means providing a generic response, a mass reply response, or being overtly sexual in your first contact with the ad placer is unacceptable.

What happens if you do not meet all of their requirements but want to respond? The starting point, be realistic about your chances and accept the less you meet their requirements the less likely you will receive a favorable. Nonetheless take time to highlight how you meet the requirements while not emphasizing how you do not meet their requirements. If you receive a “thanks for responding but we are not interested,” reply then accept it.

This leads to the question what else should not be included in a reply? If the ad does not ask for a photo then do not send one since they will most likely check out your profile. Also do not send your phone number or contact details unless it is requested by them after communicating with you. Finally do not go into detail about your life or give information not being sought.

Last point, if you do not receive a response back then do not push for a decision and if the response is a ‘no’ then continue your search. The worst thing you can do in this situation is continue replying to the ad or trying to debate with the ad placer why they were wrong in not choosing you. At a minimum they will block you and at worse your account will be suspended. Therefore it is not worth the time looking for an explanation or trying to convince them why they made the wrong decision.

Conclusion: Being honest and being specific are two essential elements for etiquette when responding to an ad for a threesome. It is the foundation that allows trust to build and allows for the threesome to occur. Furthermore protecting your identity is paramount and nothing should put your identity at risk. Anyone who requests too much personal information should be avoided. Lastly it is important when responding to any ad that the reply directly relates to the ad placed.

A basic introduction understanding threesome risk


Introduction:

Risk is something that gets talked about a lot but few truly understand the term. From the moment we wake up in the morning, to the time we go work, and even when we sleep we face uncountable number of risks. If we took the time to plan for every conceivable risk and then thought about how we could mitigate them we would spend our lives preparing for events that may never happen. It would create a life full of anxiety about worrying about might happened instead of being able to live our lives. Through our learning experiences we have developed mechanisms that allow us to filter out inconceivable risks in order for us to lead productive lives while still being aware of possible risks. This process exists for threesomes but instead of using the autopilot to sort through the risks in daily life, it becomes necessary to sort through them on a more detailed level. Without having some understanding of risk, planning a threesome becomes more difficult. The purpose of this article is to briefly look at the issue of risk by examining a hypothetical situation and then showing how examining the threesome for risks works.

Risk – defined

When discussing threesomes, risk can be simply thought of as the chance that an event will occur that will results in some damage being done to the relationship. Essentially risk is the element that makes each threesome unique from similar threesomes that other couples may have and it is the one thing that prevents providing generic advice almost impossible since it requires knowing about the couple. For planning a threesome the couple also needs to consider the impact of that the risk would have on their safety and relationship. Along with considering the expected damage to be done the couple also needs to consider the likelihood, chance, that the expected event will occur. This means risk runs the full spectrum from events that are likely to occur with minimal impact to the relationship to events that are very unlikely to occur but if they did occur would have a devastating impact on the relationship.

Risk – applied

Hypothetically let us assume John & Jane have been married for 10 years and Jane has suggested to John that she would like to have a threesome with a former boyfriend. There are several risk issues here and for the sake of the discussion only a few of the risks will be examined for this discussion:

  • Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband (discretion / privacy risk).
  • Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend
  • Relationship is adversely impacted

Analysis

1)       Former boyfriend tells friends that he had a threesome with Jane & her husband

Impact:  Impact will vary greatly depending on their life circumstances and how open they are about this activity. For example, If Jane does not keep in contact with their previous friends that her former boyfriend & she kept or John & Jane have a different group of friends then impact might be low. However Jane & her former boyfriend met via a business contact then their job and customers might be impacted.

Chance of Occurring: This depends on to a large extent the former boyfriend and his ability to understand the need for discretion. Without further information this author would have to say chance is low since the former boyfriend will be outing himself too.

Way to mitigate: Generally speaking if the need for privacy and discretion is communicated to the third it is usually not an issue.

2)       Jane becomes pregnant by former boyfriend

Impact:  If Jane became pregnant the impact most likely would be devastating on the relationship with John.

Chance of Occurring: A function of several factors such as if Jane is pre-menopausal and if so when the threesome occurs in relationship to her menstrual cycle. Also it depends on what form of contraception is being used, if it is used as described, and if either of them has been sterilized. This means the chance of occurrence can be high.

Way to mitigate: Use of contraception, especially condom

3)       Relationship is adversely impacted

Impact:  If relationship is adversely impacted by having a threesome then it can have devastating consequences. The fact a former boyfriend has been invited greatly increases the risk. Risk rises further in this situation, if they have been sexually intimate or been a couple for a period of time, greater than 1 year. Therefore it is likely the impact is likely to be high.

Chance of Occurring: Chance of occurring is dependent on several factors, such as how much Jane told John about the relationship with the boyfriend, including any residual feelings for him. In addition the chance that this will adversely impact their relationship rises further if John is uncomfortable with this planned threesome and he is afraid to discuss this with Jane for fear of letting her down. Chance of this occurring is a function of how much communication has occurred and how comfortable John is with this situation.

Way to mitigate: Relationship between Jane & John is such that John is comfortable enough with Jane that he feels as though he can immediately discuss any concerns with her and she is willing to work with John to work through them. Also keeping the planned threesome to a one off whereby John is a full participant will help to lower the risk.

4)       Overall risk

There are potential for some very risky activities that could adversely impact the relationship, especially using a former boyfriend and the risk of pregnancy. Preserving the relationship and looking out for each other’s safety to be paramount when planning a threesome. It is possible with this planned threesome that the couple could lower their risk by finding ways to mitigate it.

Conclusion

The concept of risk is an involved topic that requires examining all aspects of a planned threesome. Reason for talking about risk, albeit briefly, is to get a couple planning a threesome to understand that a threesome carries risk, that the risk can be reduced though not completely eliminated, and the need to think about what is being planned. In addition this chapter brief introduced how to look at risk in a threesome situation. However a real threesome situation is more involved than this because it is unique to the couple and it is this author’s hope that this introduces the couple to the need to examine risks.

 

Planning an enjoyable threesome


Introduction

Enjoyable threesome just does not happen. It takes planning, preparation, and communication. Along with a relationship that is solid and making the right choices. This article will examine the requirements for having an enjoyable threesome and also include some pointers on what not to include. Like with any article found on this site it is opinion based on experience and each couple needs to consider the information in light of their situation. As always, remember even the best planned out threesomes can be a disaster so balance the risks of having against any perceived benefit before deciding to have one.

Marketing yourselves

The title of this section is probably causing a few of you to scratch your head and wonder why we need to market ourselves. For some, the idea may sound seedy but it is not. Marketing yourself will help ensure that you attract the type of person that you are most interested in joining the two of you thereby having an enjoyable threesome. Essentially it means letting others know that you are looking for a threesome.

To begin with each of us markets ourselves without realizing it. We do it when meeting someone new, attending a job interview, introducing an idea, and even how your present yourself on a daily basis. Marketing lets people know who you are by tailoring your message to those whom you are most interesting meeting. It means letting people know what you are about, and what you are interested in doing by providing information about yourself. The information ranges from the words that you use, to the clothes that you wear, the interests that you state, your manners, and social skills.

In order for you to be successful at marketing yourself you need to do some research regarding the type of people you are interested in attracting. Using websites to do your research is a good starting point but not always the most reliable source of information. Nonetheless using websites will put you in touch with other people who share similar interests and help you identify sites that cater to your interests in a threesome. Another possible source of information is attending munches, off-premise swingers clubs, or meet & greets to meet other people who share similar interests. Finally you can dive into the deep end by placing an ad for a threesome and then tailoring the ad based on the replies you received.

What to avoid: Be conscious of what you are saying and doing will attract a certain type of person. If for example you are looking for someone that is educated and more refined. It will mean targeting web sites that tend to attract this type of individual; along with ensuring any ad placed would have to be grammatically correct along with no spelling errors and avoiding colloquialisms. Once you meet them it means you would have to be neat in appearance, along with good social skills, and the ability to talk about a variety of subjects other than sex. Do not rush to have a threesome just because you found someone that is interested in meeting you. Instead take the time to decide if they are compatible with you and if they meet your requirements.

Boundaries: Boundaries act as a safety net to ensure the threesome operates within agreed parameters. Unfortunately there is no universal set of boundaries for a threesome and boundaries depend on the needs of the threesome. For couples starting out, boundaries may sound as though it is an unnecessary restriction on their fun. However, an event may occur such as kissing, whereby if a boundary regarding the activity is in place then hurt feelings could have been avoided.

Choosing the third person

Choosing the third person is a critical choice that will influence to a great extent everyone’s enjoyment. There are some out there who feel that if the opportunity presents itself then it must be taken. However that belief has a fallacy. If you are not ready to have a threesome then it is better to wait. Plus if the person is not compatible with the both of you then it is better to say ‘no’ then it is to rush into it.

Before selecting the third person as a couple both of you need to agree on the characteristics of that person and then abide by the decision. Granted there will not always be the opportunity to get the ideal person and sometimes the ideal person may not be suitable. In any event it is important to separate the ‘must have’ characteristics from the ‘nice to have’ characteristics as it is important to develop an image of the type of person you are seeking.

Once you have found that person it becomes even more important that both of you are in agreement on the choice and neither one of you ‘takes one for the team’. Simply put, not agreeing to someone that makes you uncomfortable but agreeing to them in order to make your partner happy.  After you have reached your decision it becomes important to let the third person know of the boundaries for the threesome.

What not to do: Do not rush in to having a threesome without first talking about your selection as it can be quite embarrassing if there is confusion over any issue. Also keep your partner informed of any communication that you may have had regarding the threesome, surprise or unexpected threesomes rarely work.

Venue and planning

Take some time to work through where the threesome will happen and put the appropriate planning into place. Make sure you consider issues such as personal safety, room temperature, enough room for three adults, any refreshments, and being in a ‘kid-free’ area. Essentially, you need to have a place for the threesome to happen that will allow it to happen as naturally as possible without any distractions. Deciding where to have the threesome and planning for it can be as important as choosing the third person.

This also means taking the necessary time to talk through all issues that relate either directly or indirectly to the two of you having a threesome. It is important any unresolved feelings and issues are addressed. Otherwise the threesome may bring them up and make dealing with the effect much more difficult.

What not to do: Do not decide to have a threesome unless you are sure about where. Make sure some effort has been put into planning and planning for the unexpected. If not, what might have been an enjoyable encounter will be filled with issues that need to be resolved. This can lead to lack of interest and the threesome never getting the momentum that is needed for everyone to enjoy themselves.

Another thing to avoid is drama before, during, or immediately after the threesome. It is important that all issues are resolved before having a threesome, each person is in agreement with it happening, and no coercion is used to gain your partner’s agreement. If there are unresolved issues or coercion has been used the third person will pick up on it. This will most likely lead to an unsatisfactory threesome.

Sexual Activities

Before having your threesome make sure it is discussed what sexual activities will be acceptable and what sexual activities are not acceptable. Also take time to talk through any feeling that either you may have about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else. Finally make sure to practice safe sex and that condoms are readily available.

What no to do: Do not perform a sexual activity that has not been agreed or that you are not comfortable performing. Threesomes are about enjoying yourself and not being some sex athlete. It is better to say no then having to deal with issues that it may bring up later.

Conclusion

Having a threesome is meant to be enjoyable. Take your time, work through the issues, decide on the type of person you want to invite, and take the time to market yourself to the right group of individuals.

Asking a couple for a threesome


 

 

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How do I ask a couple to join them for a threesome?

 

 

 

If you are single and you have friends that are married it is easy to think about having a threesome with them. This is especially true if you find that you get a long with them and the three of you have a good time together. Nonetheless, unless you are at a swinger’s club where it is implied that you are interested in having a threesome then it is very easy to misinterpret behavioral cues from a couple. This is true especially if the couple is sociable or there is an attraction between the three of you. However before approaching a couple about having a threesome it is important that you weigh the benefit of having a threesome with them, consider alternative explanations for their behavior, and weigh it against the risk. Since it would be you approaching them and not them approaching you are suggestion may be perceived as being unwelcome.

 

In the event you decide to suggest this idea to a couple it is important that it is done without using drugs including cannabis and done with no alcohol. Reason for this is that you want their decision to be made without influence, you do not want the couple being upset because they did something that they did not want to do, nor do you want the couple making a criminal complaint such as rape. The best way to ask in this type of situation is to be direct with them, honest about your intentions, and mention some of your observations that lead you to your decision. Also mention how you see your relationship with them being handled after the threesome and how you feel the threesome will impact your relationship with them. Once the suggestion is made your relationship with the couple will forever change and it is something you will need to accept. After suggesting the idea it is best to remember that the couple is control and by pressuring for a decision most likely lead to a negative result for you. This may mean you need to give them time to consider the idea or it may mean they will say ‘no.’ In either case accepting their decision will decide the next step for your relationship with them.

 

Common places to have a threesome


 

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One of the biggest challenges a couple will face when planning a threesome is where to have it and it is important to remember all threesomes have inherent risks, for example: pregnancy, risk to the relationship,  safety, and STI/ STDs, There are several different places to have it and this article will explore some of the more common places along with their advantages and disadvantages.

 

Home: This is the place where the couple lives and provides them with a level of familiarity. By having a familiar place it will help them to feel comfortable and can help the couple be more responsive thereby allowing them to enjoy the threesome more. However there are some issues with having a threesome at their home. First is a loss of privacy, neighbors may see you bringing in a stranger and the third person knowing where you live. This can lead to further issue such as safety and having your identity stolen. Another issue bringing the third person to your home can pose, children unexpectedly waking up or walking in on the activity.  Final issue is getting the third person to leave after the threesome. Normally this does not seem to be a major issue but it can be if they are not ready.

 

Third Person’s Residence: As an option this addresses many of the issue above but it can increase the risk to safety. Along with the issue of safety, going to a strange place may make being responsive difficult and it can create a very uncomfortable feel.  Also, if they live a far distance from the couple’s residence it may make travelling to their place impossible and if they have children then the children will be exposed to the threesome.

 

Hotel / Motel: Offers a good alternative between staying at someone’s home and bringing someone into your home. It offers a good way of protecting identity and possibly providing a relaxed atmosphere for a threesome.  However, this choice can be expensive and not all lodging places welcome this type of activity. It is possible, though this author feels the risk is generally low, if there is an arrangement to split the cost, the couple pays for the room(s), or the invited third person pays for the room(s) then it is possible that there is a risk of being charged with prostitution. The risk increases if the lodging facility does not approve of the activity and the laws regarding prostitution can be liberally interpreted in applying it to a threesome situation. This author feels the best way to avoid this risk is by having each book a room and pay for their own room.

 

Dogging:  This is an activity that is popular in England and it involves having sex in public. Typically there are locations that are known where this activity occurs and you can meet someone for some anonymous sex. It poses several risks such as risk to safety, risk of arrest, and risk of STDs / STIs.

 

Swingers Clubs: Like a hotel / motel they offer a good place for a threesome. Nonetheless there are several issues with them such as cost and distance (since they tend to be in / near large metropolitan cities). Also couples need to be clear about their boundaries, be willing to discuss their boundaries, and be willing to mingle to find someone.

 

Online – Webcam / Instant Messenger / Chatrooms: Having an online threesome offers a couple an opportunity to have a threesome without the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases from the invited third person, along with greater protection for their relationship. It also offers the third person a voyeur role whereby they can watch the couple having sex.  While having an online threesome allows an interaction there are some distinct disadvantages.  A disadvantage is the artificialness of the experience. Having to interact online and not be physically present can act as a barrier thereby removing some of the spontaneity. Another disadvantage lies in the rules of the site and the law. By having a threesome online it could violate the Terms of Service of the site and potentially be in violation of the country’s law, especially if one of the participants is under the age of 18.

 


 

 

 

The Basics: Planning a Threesome


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Planning a Threesome

What do you think of when you hear the words, planning a threesome? Possibly an erotic experience whereby emotions are reduced to their lowest common denominator and pure physical enjoyment becomes paramount? Maybe an image of a couple staying up late at night going over every minutia of their planned threesome and throwing up their hands because they have been too overwhelmed. For others it may invoke a feeling that planning is a waste of time because it detracts from the excitement of having a threesome. Whatever image it conjures for you, planning a threesome should not be seen as a negative event. Instead it should be seen as a necessary activity that is shared in order to help ensure that the relationship survives the threesome by mitigating the risk a threesome can bring to the relationship.

Defining Planning & Overview of this opinion piece

In order to prevent confusion regarding what is mean by planning a threesome, in this article planning a threesome it means examining the idea of having a threesome from various angles in order to reach an agreement, understanding what is going to happen, finding a way to work through any unresolved issues and to cover any issue that may get overlooked. Essentially, planning a threesome is the process brings together any concern, highlights any expectation and outputs a plan to ensure that each person’s interest is addressed. Therefore, while there is no one way to examine the issue of planning threesome, this article will provide an opinion of a way addressing it by examining a few of the core elements this author feels that needs to be included. Nonetheless this article is not meant to be an exhaustive treatise on the subject and is only meant to provide a rudimentary template for couples to adapt to their situation.

Finally I am well aware that not everyone believes that a couple should have sex with someone outside of their relationship and that is a viewpoint that is respected by me. Nonetheless, this author feels whatever an adult couple with the ability to consent decides to do in their home is their decision. My feeling it is better to provide an opinion on an aspect of a threesome than for a couple to enter a threesome without much guidance thereby undertaking unnecessary risk to their relationship. Therefore, this article targets couples who are considering the idea but need to understand how to approach it. Last point, this article will attempt to look at having a threesome from various points in order to suggest to couples how to approach planning a threesome and since no two threesomes are the same it is impossible to write a piece on how to plan a threesome. This means for a couple reading this piece, this piece provides a suggest template for them and then from there they can modify it to fit their needs.

The Basics & Assumptions

By now the initial discussion has happened and there is, at some level, an agreement to explore how a potential threesome might operate. At this stage in this journey, there may be a flurry of emotion ranging from panic due to not knowing what to expect to excitement of seeing your partner having sex with someone else or excitement arising from being able to have sex with someone else. Nonetheless, tempering excitement occurs because the uncertainty that a threesome brings and the beginning realization that if the threesome turns bad then the relationship may end. Such a realization produces mixed feelings and uncertainty, in which taking some time to plan could possibly resolve.

Basics

Before getting into the heart of this article, it is important to explain some of the basics regarding planning a threesome. It is not meant to bore you. Instead it is meant to provide a common understanding before talking about planning a threesome and briefly discuss some of the underlying principles that exist. To begin with, before embarking on this activity the couple needs to make their decision based on the right reasons.  Planning a threesome in a very broad sense is an agreement that dictates how the threesome will operate, how the third person will be selected, and how potential issues will be addressed. It draws on each other’s limitations, each other’s expectations, each other’s concerns, each other’s desires and fuses them into a plan. Essentially, it provides a framework that the couple can use and it can provide a sense of security since it defines the limits. Second, the plan is something that is adaptable, meaning the plan is flexible so that it can change as more information becomes available. Third, the plan cannot be vague and it needs to have some detail to it. Level of detail needs to be at a level that there is no confusion about what has been agreed. Without having some detail to the plan the risk increases that a misunderstanding will occur. Fourth, it needs to cover the essential aspects of the threesome, the aspects of having a threesome that would create problems if it was not clarified.  Finally any plan must have participants that freely choose to participate without coercion, pressure, or manipulation. It also means that the couple has taken time to consider the risks, included in their plan ways to address the risks, and are nonetheless willing to take them.

360 ° Overview of Planning a Threesome

1)      Fantasy versus Reality and knowing the difference

Planning a threesome, in many ways, is like being a child in a toy store. There are so many options and decisions to make that can be overwhelming. At the start of the threesome journey many possibilities can be envisioned with many possible routes that knowing where to start is difficult. The overwhelming choices can sometimes lead to setting unrealistic expectations, overlooking potential risks, and wanting to do as much as possible in one session. By planning a threesome, it helps to bring out what is realistically attainable and discovering what is not attainable in the threesome. Learning this comes from communicating but it also comes from learning as much as they can about having a threesome. Finally, below are four examples of how this topic can influence planning a threesome.

Example: One example I can think of is the desire to perform DP on the female half of the couple. From a logistical standpoint DP can be very difficult to do and for males it can call into question their sexuality. For a couple just starting out not knowing their limits doing DP might not be the best choice and it may be something that requires a level of trust that needs to be built with the third person in order to allow it to happen.

Example #2: A couple may have a porn movie image of a threesome whereby it happens naturally and it is a completely erotic experience whereby guys have permanent erection that can hold off hours before they cum and women get instantly aroused when they see more than one erect “cock”.  However when they have it the find issues like awkwardness, not being able to move from having a conversation to actually having the threesome, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety, jealousy, and feeling bad after the threesome happens occurs. In this situation the fantasy of having a threesome can be very different than the reality of having a threesome. It is therefore important that anyone having a threesome comes to term with the fact that the fantasy of having a threesome can be very different than actually having a threesome.

Example #3: Reasons for having a threesome – Is it the right reason?

While writing this piece where to place was a big struggle for me and ultimately I decided to place here. My reason for placing it here with a title is because this topic falls under the definition of fantasy versus reality. In this sense the fantasy of having a threesome is rooted in the magical thinking that having a threesome is a panacea for all problems in a relationship while ignoring the problems that it can create for a relationship. Furthermore it challenges those planning a threesome to think about the reason for wanting to have a threesome before embarking on the journey to plan the threesome and while planning their threesome each individual should ask them what the reason for wanting to have a threesome is? If the reason is to prevent cheating, add spice to the relationship, feeling pressure to have one, to fix a troubled relationship, wanting to have one because it is a quick way to get “laid, it looks fun in the movies, or being coerced into having one then this author feels the reason to have a threesome may be wrong due to the reason for wanting to have a threesome is based more in fantasy thinking than the realties of having a threesome.

Example #4: Boundaries are not needed and told my partner they can do anything they want in the threesome because I want them to be able to experience a threesome without restrictions:

In this author’s opinion this belief is reminiscent of humanistic ideas like unconditional love. Granted in most cases a parent’s love is unconditional. Nonetheless what happens if the child announces they are gay or is arrested for selling drugs because they are a part of a gang. For some parents there is a limit, even temporary, to their unconditional love. Likewise when it comes to planning a threesome there needs to be some discussion, especially if you are starting out. To say there are no boundaries says, in this author’s opinion, that having a threesome takes priority  quite magical thinking for someone starting out and it demonstrates the lack of understanding of what is involved in a threesome. It ignores that everyone has a limit and this author feels it demonstrates that there is a lack of communication that exists with the couple.

2)      What will a threesome mean for the relationship?

For a couple wanting to have a threesome, maintaining the relationship after the threesome happens and minimizing the negative impact of the threesome is a goal for any threesome. This means asking the questions will help a couple begin to identify areas that they need to examine and it is a question that needs to be asked regularly, as they plan their threesome. By asking this question on a regular basis and asking it as it relates to each part of their plan it can to help identify those areas that may cause problems if not addressed in more detail. Plus by asking this question it will help ensure that both continue wanting to have a threesome and that both are willing to undertake the risk, thereby helping to ensure that this is a mutual decision.

3)      Boundaries

Talking about boundaries, for some, can be depressing because it means this discussion will slow down the rapid pace to have a threesome and by talking about boundaries, acknowledges that a threesome has risks. It is important to remember that boundaries act as a safety net by defining the limits of the threesome, address concerns in order to allow a threesome to happen, and even though there may be some implied boundaries, such as ‘no means no’, boundaries for the most part are unique to a couple. Also it is important to remember, agreeing to boundaries is only ½ of the process the other half involves stating your boundaries to the third person.  Nonetheless the discussion about boundaries is a necessary conversation that must be agreed before the threesome can happen.

The starting point for the discussion lies in the recognition that having a threesome is a mutual decision in which all share an equal responsibility for it happening. This means that each person is responsible for their decisions, they are responsible for what happens to them, and they are responsible for their feelings. In a two male threesome the invited male can share their expectations / boundaries but with the couple having a plethora choices for potential male invites, if he gets to be too pushy then the couple can easily choose someone else. Unfortunately when it comes to a two woman situation the couple needs to be open about negotiating their boundaries if they want to make it happen and if they do not then they may find that they have a long search. This does not mean that a couple should give up a “must have” boundary for a two female threesome but instead it means they need to understand the less they are willing to negotiate on boundaries then the longer it may take them.

4)      Activities in a threesome

Determining what activities can occur in a threesome sounds a lot like planning a trip to a distant country. It starts out with a list of everything you want to do and see, thereby building excitement. However,  the tempering of the excitement occurs when realizing there are competing demands such as personal comfort limits and time. This means in order for threesome to work individuals needs to be in tune with their limits, be able to discuss them openly, and being willing to listen to other people’s limits. In addition, it means there is no magical formula on splitting attention between two other people, what needs to occur, or what does not occur in a threesome.

With that said, the best advice for couples that are just beginning exploring threesomes is to keep it simple and not to push their limits. After having a few threesomes a couple will get beyond the thrill of having one and begin to understand where their limits currently exist. If they push their limits too much the individual may find that they are left feeling bad about the experience or may burnout too quickly. For couples who are want to progress slowly or not 100% sure that having a full threesome is for them then they may want to consider a “soft-swing” situation where the invited person participates but no intercourse happens between the couple and the invited third person.

5)      Selecting a third person

It is important that the couple begins discussing the type of person that they want to invite and understand, a bit, of the reasoning for it. Talking about the type of person to invite and agreeing to the broad characteristics that the person needs will serve as a template from which the couple will make their decision and it will serve as a boundary from which they will not exceed.  Without including the discussion of what type of person to invite it leaves open the possibility that the wrong person may be selected and by talking about the type of person to invite it reduces the chance that the wrong decisions regarding selection will be made.

Also, before reaching this point or once they reach this point, the couple discusses how they will go about selecting the third person. This means there is a division of labor. For example, if they are using an ad on a web site to find a third person they review the replies together a make a decision together. Likewise it could mean one of them filters through the replies and then passes them to their partner who then chooses. Whatever method they choose, the method selected is transparent and both are involved in the selection process.

6)      Safe word or Signals

Safe word means a word that they couple recognizes but the selected third person does not recognize. Unlike the term safe word when used in a BDSM context to mean a word that cannot be confused with the scene that brings the action to a stop without question or retribution due to a level discomfort. In this situation, a safe word is a word where the couple knows the meaning and the meaning is meant to be a signal. Likewise, instead of using a word to signal something the couple could opt to use a gesture or a behavior to serve the same purpose. The signal could be approval, disapproval, or anything else the couple feels as though they need to communicate to each other. Problem here is if too many words are being used, complex signals, or too many signs then it can create confusion. Therefore it is best to have a very limited number of words or signals.

7)      To accommodate, not to accommodate, or travel?

The idea of accommodating someone or traveling to have a threesome can invoke different feelings. It can seem natural for some as an extension of being social in order to have a threesome and for others it can invoke a strong reaction of saying ‘no.’ Furthermore, for couples that live in rural areas or are struggling to find a third person to invite this maybe the only solution, other than waiting longer to find someone. Accommodating takes on different meaning for different people and each couple has their own feeling on this subject. In this article, accommodating means having the invited individual spend the night with the couple at their request at either their home or staying in the same hotel room. Whereas travelling refers to traveling a significant distance, greater than 50 miles in order to meet.

The starting point for consideration this author feels is examining the distance traveled to meet, the time expected for the threesome to end, and time demands on all participants immediately after the threesome. Consider such issues include does one of them have to work shortly after the threesome. Will there be guests or children coming to visit? What time the threesome might end or did end?

Another point to consider is what space is available and where they would stay. A logical conclusion would be that they would stay in the bed with the couple. However, the couple may want time afterward to connect, reinforce the idea that they are a couple or that they want to keep an emotional distance from the invited third person. In such a case then having them stay in the bed afterwards is not a good idea. This brings up the idea of having them stay in another bedroom, hotel room, or if sharing a hotel room then having them sleep in a separate bed. Final point would be other ancillary issues like how long would they stay, how would it be signaled that it was time for them to leave, and what items would be available for them to use.

Finally, at least from this author’s perspective accommodating should not occur especially if the invited third person lives either in the same town or within a short-distance, such as 50 miles. Regarding traveling, traveling needs to be done by the invited person unless the distance is great or they do not drive. In a situation where there is a large distance between the couple and the third person then finding somewhere about halfway that is agreeable to both should occur. Additionally this author feels that accommodating is something that should not necessarily be done by couples just starting out because it can pose some issues for them, such as developing feelings for the invited third person.

7) Risks

In a previous article this author addressed the topic of risk and will not restate it. Instead this section will briefly discuss how risk and boundaries relate. It goes without saying that having a threesome, regardless of how well it is planned out or how stable a couple’s relationship is, will undertake some type of risk. This risk can be pregnancy, risk to safety, risk of STD / STI, or risk to their relationship to name a few. Since each couple and each threesome is different it is impossible to develop a universal set of risks for a threesome and how to address them. Instead each couple needs to communicate what they feel are the risks, how they can be address and how they can be either eliminated or significantly reduced. From those discussions the couple can have a plan on how to deal with risks that come up and how to address risk as they happen. This type of communication will underpin and shape how the boundaries develop. Without taking time to discuss risk and understand the type of risks that will be faced leaves, this author feels, the couple vulnerable due to a large area this is missing from the discussion.

8) Writing down the plan or remember it?

Granted the idea of writing down the plan for a threesome, outstanding issues, and points that need to be followed up reads as though the last few pieces of enjoying a threesome is being sucked out. However writing it down helps to avoid confusion, ensures that outstanding points gets addressed and everyone can remember what has been discussed. At least from this author’s perspective writing down the plan and making notes about what has been discussed will help to ensure that everyone is “on the same page” regarding the threesome.

9) Debriefing

Debriefing is simply talking through the experience in order to work through any issues, to address any concerns, review the plan, make any changes, and decide the next step for the couple. Essentially debriefing is the final step in which the couple try to resolve any issues that may have come up, decide what worked, and decide what their next step will be. It is important, this author feels, that debriefing happens right after the threesome ends and as a part of the plan the couple needs to consider how close to the ending of the threesome this will occur.

10) Environment

The environment of where a threesome happens is something that can easily get overlooked and where the threesome occurs can have a big impact on its enjoyment. Without having an area where you can have it without being distracted, without being interrupted, and being a place where you feel secure, it will mean that the threesome is not as enjoyable as you expected.  For a couple with children it means that any threesome should not happen in the home when they are there. Beyond the potential safety issue and potential awkwardness it may create for you should your child begin to ask questions, the other issue is that children can become a distraction especially if they are desiring your attention while the third person is present for the threesome.

Along with the logistical concerns other facts such as lighting, color, comfort, and the mood that the room sets all can play a factor. This means taking time to consider issues like temperature and how the room makes you feel.  Another consideration is where it will be happening. This means taking into consideration what is being planned, the size of the area, the size of the bed(s), and any other features that may need to be considered. The area has to be large enough to allow three people to change, interact, clean-up, and have a bit of personal space. Also it means the area has to be large enough so that everyone is not fumbling over the others.

11) Miscellaneous Topics

If you have made it this far, we are almost done with this subject but there are a few loose ends that need to be tied together. One loose end is the question, how long do you need to plan? Each couple is different with different needs, different concerns, and varying levels of familiarity with each other. Planning can be fairly quick if there is broad agreement and the only thing that is needed is clarifying a few points. However if each person has a different idea about how the threesome will look then it may take some time before a common understanding that leads to agreement will occur.

Second loose end is how often does this plan need to be reviewed? Again it depends on the couple and the level of detail. At a minimum there should be three points. One point is before discussing the plan, whereby each individual states their preference. Then work out the plan keep track of what has been agreed and before the threesome happens taking the plan out to go through it in order to see if it is workable based on what has been discussed. Third point would be after having a threesome then reviewing to see what worked and what needs to be improved.

Third loose end regards the level of detail that is needed. Detail helps to minimize any misunderstanding and cuts down on possible confusion. However it is possible to get too fixated on the details where the plan becomes unmanageable and difficult to understand. Therefore there has to be a balance between detail and simplicity.

Fourth before looking for a third person does the plan need to be completed? Answer is ‘no’ but a framework should be in place. At a minimum some boundaries and the type of person to choose should be agreed before any searching happens. Plus as things become more certain then the plan can be modified to reflect any changes.

Fifth is there anytime when the plan should not be changed? This author feels the closer you get meeting the third person for a threesome the plan should not be changed unless it relates to safety or a risk that could have a negative impact.  Reason for stating this is because emotions, not logic, may begin to influence decisions and the wrong decision may be made. However if there is a safety issue or a risk was indentified that could cause problems if it did happen then that should not stop the change from being made.  If it does not relate to risk or safety then in most cases it should be left until debriefing to discuss.

Conclusion & Putting Plan into Action

Planning for a threesome means examining the planned threesome from all possible angles to determine its strengths, it weaknesses, and how to address the needs of those involved. By having, a plan that can be easily adapted to any change will help make a threesome successful. In addition, it means having a plan that is easy to understand will minimize any possible confusion about the plan for the threesome. This means a workable plan will provide a framework for the threesome and help everyone understand the expectations. Nonetheless it will not eliminate all risk of having a threesome nor will it guarantee that there will not be any problems. However it will go a long way to help to protect the relationship and help minimize any problems that may happen. Without a plan that will guide the couple on their journey it will leave them in the dark about each other’s needs and concerns thereby increasing the chance for misunderstanding. Therefore, a plan can be said is a way for the couple to ensure their needs are met and minimize the chance that it will be misunderstood.