Introduction:
If you wife / partner is resistant to the idea of having anal sex it is important to understand what is causing the resistance. Without talking to her and understanding the issue overcoming her resistance, convincing her, is not possible. This posting will talk about some of the more common reasons a woman may be resistant to the idea of having anal sex and some suggestions to try to help her overcome her resistance to it.
Bad Experience:
Probably the most common reason for resistance is a previous bad experience trying anal sex which resulted in feeling of pain or discomfort. Since the experience resulted in an adverse feeling she is trying to avoid that feeling again. Feeling of pain is typically the result of not using enough lubrication, not properly relaxing anus, and not stretching out properly before entry occurred. In essence anal sex was rushed and the necessary time needed to get her to relax was not taken. Whereas the feeling of discomfort is the result of entering too quickly and not allowing her to properly relax.
In this case the best way to address this type of resistance is to explain how things will be different this time. Explain that you will use a lot of lubrication and will to continue to apply it. Also explain that it will not be rushed, there will be adequate foreplay, time will be taken to get her anus to relax and stretch. Even though you have a plan on how to address her resistance due to pain, remember people generally avoid pain and seek pleasure. If it was a painful experience there will be less of a chance she will try it again.
An Ex:
Another possibility for her resistance is an ex. This is especially true if the relationship is fairly new, as ex’s can haunt the relationship. There are two common explanations here regarding her ex. The first is that he may have been into having anal sex and it might have been not enjoyable for her. Reasons why it could not have been enjoyable includes having it forced, he was obsessed with having anal sex, or it was very uncomfortable. In any event the experience was not pleasurable for her and she does not want to experience it again.
Overcoming this resistance may not be possible if he abused her or it was a troubling experience for her due to the fact she has negative feelings associated with the experience. Since she has negative feelings associated with the experience she will want to avoid to experience so that she can avoid those feelings. The best approach here is you can allow her to talk about her experience to you. By allowing her to do this will allow her to build trust in you, foster developing communication between the two of you, and develop something more deeper than sex an emotional bond.
The other possible explanation if it is in relation to her ex is that it was something that they shared and she does not want to share it with anyone else. Chances are that this is not a reason but if it is this indicates a problem in the relationship. If it is the reason then the focus needs to be taken off having anal sex and focus on how to solve the issue regarding her feelings for her ex.
Misconceptions about anal sex:
Anal sex for some can be a very taboo subject and misconceptions about the subject can develop. Some of the misconceptions are listed here:
- Anus will not go back in place
- Others will be able to tell that she has anal sex
- She will loose control of her bowels, become incontinent
- If her partner likes anal sex then it means that he is gay
- She can get pregnant from having anal sex
These misconceptions about anal sex falls into one of two categories: anatomical or misinformation. To begin with the anus is a sphincter muscle. Meaning it is meant to stretch and close. Provided she has not suffered nerve damage, physical injury, or had surgery to that area then her anus should return to the same shape it was before having sex. Also she should not suffer incontinence unless that was an issue before having anal. Furthermore there are two common misconceptions regarding anal sex: she can get pregnant from having anal sex and that her male partner must be gay if he likes anal sex. To begin with the rectum and vagina are separated by muscle. There is no way for sperm to leave the rectum, swim into the cervix, enter the uterus, and then the fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg. So the risk of pregnancy is non-existent. Finally some people have a misconception that if a man enjoys anal sex with his wife it means that he is gay or is hiding his sexuality, totally not true.
Addressing these misconceptions relies on education and experiencing anal sex in an effort to dispel them. Educating her about her anatomy and educating her about the fact that no one can tell, including her doctor, that she has had anal sex. Maybe try reassuring her that anal sex would not occur a week before she had any doctor’s appointments.
Relationship Issue:
Anal sex at its core is about trust, patience, and communication. Generally speaking this author believes relationship issues generally are not the reason for resistance to anal sex. Usually it is attempted by a couple after they have been together for a while and after they have built up their communication. For anal sex to be successful it requires her to trust you that you will stop if she says ‘stop’, that you will not get upset with her if she cannot continue because it is too painful, and that you will not always push to have anal sex. If she does not feel secure enough in the relationship to try anal sex then it indicates that some work needs to be done in the relationship.
Take time to build up your relationship with her and build up your trust with her. Spending some extra time with her and letting her know how special she is to you may be all that is needed to convince her to try anal sex. Also, try anal sex when the both of you do not feel rushed and have the time to enjoy the experience. This may mean getting her to relax to enjoy the experience.
She is not interested in having anal sex:
Even though the rectum is rich in nerve, blood supply and some woman find having anal sex to be more intense than vaginal sex not every woman is interested in trying anal sex. For whatever reason the idea may not appeal to them and they may not want to try it at all. In this case it is best to let the topic die due to the fact no matter how hard you try you will not convince her. She will have to come to conclusion to try anal sex on her own.
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If my partner says “no” to a threesome then it means they are not interested? There are numerous reasons as to why your partner may say no to a threesome. This author feels, if they say “no” then it is a good idea not to approach the topic again for at least another year; during this time work at improving your relationship with them and improving your communication with them. It may be they need time in processing the request for a threesome. The absolute worst thing you can do at this point is use coercion, pressure, or manipulation to pressure them into having a threesome. My partner is sending me “mixed messages” about having a threesome; does this mean they want it? Intellectually they like the idea but feel they could not go through with it. Alternatively, it could be a situation where you are noticing very small inconsistencies and their statement has not fundamentally changed. Until you speak with them you will not know what is occurring with them. We get close meeting someone and then at the last moment my partner changes their mind, why? There are many reasons for this. It could be they like the idea of a threesome as a fantasy but struggles with going through with it. Sometimes giving them time will work or it may be they are not able to go through with it. If they are not able to go through with it then love them for whom they are, not what they can give you. How do I convince my partner to have a threesome? There is no way you can convince your partner to have a threesome. The best you can do is, communicate with them about the idea, work on your relationship, and sometimes giving it enough time might lead to a change in feelings. What is meant by giving the idea time? Time can work wonders if used correctly. Sometimes when the idea of having a threesome is discussed the information is too much and the person need time to process it. Processing it can take a while since it may mean thinking about their feelings about the subject and resolving it against their relationship. Also, as we get older and have more experiences, sometimes our attitudes change leading to changes in beliefs. This means even though your partner may say “no” now there is a small chance in a while they might change their feelings. If my partner ultimately says “no” to a threesome then I should seek one myself? By seeking a threesome without your partner is, under most definitions, considered cheating. Other couples tend to want their threesome uncomplicated and without the risk someone will come after them due to their choice. Therefore, the answer to the question is “no.”
Threesomes and variations 