The backbone of every successful threesome is the ability putting aside feelings for the third person in order to have an enjoyable threesome. It would be remiss of me ignoring that sex is a very intimate act whereby a bond is created with those is participate and putting aside all feelings is necessary. Instead putting aside feelings mean keeping enough of an emotional distance from the invited third person that allows the marital relationship or committed relationship to continue while still being able to have a threesome.
Putting aside feelings sounds easy; however, many of buy the relationship warranty that sex must equal love or at least, sex can only occur with someone we share an emotional bond. By buying a relationship warranty means we are buying the idea that sex is about caring and that for sex to occur we first must build a relationship with them. While buying the relationship warranty is necessary for marriage or a long-term relationship, buying the relationship warranty for a full threesome can produce catastrophic results.
So, how can you have a threesome and keep feelings out of it? Below, I will give you seven points that can help you avoid buying the relationship warranty for having a threesome.
1) Limit the amount of contact with the third person
The more time all three of you spend together the more likely feelings will develop. This is a result of proximity or simply put, a result of having repeated contact with the same person.
In order to limit the chance feelings develop due to amount of time spent together, it is ideal trying to make a decision about having a threesome based on attraction instead of attempting to develop a relationship with the third person.
Also limiting the number of threesomes, such as one-off, can help reduce this risk too.
2) Limit Rewarding Behavior
Having a full threesome is more about having sex then forming an emotional attachment with the third person. This means the information being shared should be information that is necessary for a threesome to occur and not be information that allows the development of feelings.
Also, this includes limiting any rewarding behavior that encourages development of feelings. Rewarding behavior can be anything from looks, statements, or behavior that encourages the formation of feelings. Limiting rewarding behavior may sound as though the threesome is quite academic, sterile and void of any enjoyment. Instead limiting reward behavior mean finding a balance between letting the third person know you enjoy their company and creating a situation whereby ‘crossing the line’ happens the threesome becomes something more.
3) Having a History Together
Having a history together is vital. The longer a couple has been together, understand each other, and choose having a threesome as an extension of their relationship then the less likely they are developing feelings for someone else. Also having a relationship history is vital in understanding your partner, communicating with them and being able to work with them through any tough time.
4) Avoid Having a Threesome During a Period of Major Stress Relationship Stress
Stress and poor decision making are synonymous but deciding a threesome is a good choice during a major life change may be the decision that topples the relationship. Likewise avoid having a threesome during a time when the relationship is under stress since the may lead to the wrong decision being made.
5) Choose Your Third Person Carefully
Choosing the third person is vital for a successful threesome. Ideally the third person should temporarily fit into the relationship. Fitting into the relationship means:
- Each person, as a couple, agrees to them
- There is either a physical or intellectual attraction to the third person
- The third person does not leave one member of the couple feeling excluded, jealous, or angry
- They were not chosen because they can provide something that is missing in the relationship
- The third person respect the boundaries
- The third person respect the couple’s relationship, is not disruptive, and is not demanding.
- The third person understand their role in the threesome and does not try to dominate
6) Communicating Debriefing
It goes without saying communicating and debriefing are essential to keep a relationship healthy, including minimizing the chance feelings can develop for the third person. Without communication and discussing feelings it is likely a having a threesome will devastate a relationship.
7) It Starts with You
The type of threesome you want lies with you. This means the decision
- What happens in the threesome
- Regarding the third person
- How you perceive perceive the threesome
- How you perceive the third person
- How you react to the threesome
- How you react to the third person
- How you react to your spouse / ‘significant other’
- Your feelings before the threesome, during the threesome, and after the threesome
are all within your control.
Nothing in life is easy, especially having a threesome. However having an enjoyable threesome that is not disruptive to the relationship is possible but it will require work. Taking time discussing the threesome, potential choices, and its possible impact will go a long way in reducing the chance feeling for the third person will develop. Also, take time to plan it and choosing when to have it will also help. Finally all of the reading on the topic will not guarantee feeling for the third person will not develop and the responsibility for ensuring it will not happen lies solely with the couple.