Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?


Interesting article that focuses on approaching a friend and stranger for a threesome. While I would not describe having a threesome as polyamory, as this author does, nonetheless I quite enjoyed this author’s writing style to discuss the subject. It is a great article well worth the time to read.

Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

via Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?.

Can Polyamory Save A Relationship (and Other Conundrums)?


Can Polyamory Save A Relationship (and Other Conundrums)?.

via Can Polyamory Save A Relationship (and Other Conundrums)?.

An excellent article for those who are interested threesomes in a long-term polyamorous relationship or learning more about it.

Planning a threesome on your own


Thank you to darkelaina who wanted information regarding planning a threesome on their own, the risks, using an online web site, and other information. This post is based on their questions.

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

Introduction

Planning a threesome on your own for your partner and yourself is never easy. In some ways it is like planning a surprise threesome but in other ways it is different since you have your partner’s support. The purpose of this article is to address some of the issues, risks, and strategies involved in planning a threesome on your own. It is not meant to be a comprehensive discussion and it is not meant to be a formula to approach it. Instead it is meant to provide an opinion and highlight some issues.

Online Site Navigation:

I do not recommend sites because I feel each individual / couple needs to make the determination based on their needs, rather than relying on recommendations. Also a lot comes down to price, needs, interest, and the interest in your area for threesomes. This makes recommendations difficult since there is so much variability that a recommendation is difficult to make. Nonetheless I will give some general advice to help in the determination.

  • Free is not always better: I do not believe a free site is better and I sometimes feel using a free site may open you up to exploitation, especially if it is a general site rather than a specific site targeting this type of activity.
  • Does the site allow you to try the site before subscribing or does it offer a limited version as free? My own feeling, would encourage a potential customer to try the site before charging them or at least offer a limited version for free.
  • How is the pricing structured? Are you being “nickeled and dime to death?” Meaning are you being charged for every service you use every time you use it? Alternatively is pricing tiered to allow you to select the plan that best fits your needs?
  • How many people are in your area? There some very good free sites in the UK but if you are in the US then they are no use to you since they cater to people in the UK and the wider EU area. Likewise if you are in Mississippi but the site caters to people in the West then it may not be value for money.
  • Are they targeting a niche (e.g. polyamaory, cuckolding, wife-swapping) or is it a general site? If it is a general site and you have specific interest then you may find you will have to either compromise on your interest or spend a lot of time reading through replies to find someone that shares a similar interest. Likewise if you do not have a specific interest and you are using a site that caters to a niche interest then you may find that you are not successful a lot of the time.
  • How easy is the site to navigate? Can you easily move around the site, read profiles, and communicate with other members? If not, then it may not be worth your time?
  • What is the site’s reputation? I do not always put a lot of weight on reviews. From reviews I have written some appear to be written either by the site or someone that is closely connected to it in order to inflate the site’s reputation. Likewise there is always someone out there with “an axe to grind” and will speak negatively about a site regardless of how good it is. Sometimes friends might be a good source about sites if they are into threesomes. Otherwise try to average out the comments to get an idea of what the site is like.
  • What are the terms of service? This will define your agreement with the site, how regularly you will be billed and how for how much. If you are uncertain about any term then contact the site before agreeing to something that may be useless to you.
  • Have you seen that profile before? Sometimes the same people will create multiple accounts in order to get replies from people with various interests. Also, I believe, sometimes sites will create fake accounts in order to drive people to their site and make them look bigger than what they are. If the name is different but the information in the profile is similar to other profiles then most likely it is the same person.
  • What does the profile say? Read the profile closely. It will tell you the type of person they are seeking and something about themselves. If they cannot make time to put in a few sentences about themselves then the question has to be asked how serious are they?
  • Have you created an alias and kept your personal information offline? You do not know who you communicating with and it is important not to put any information online that can identify you or put your / your family at risk.
  • Have you considered your safety and the safety of your family? What plans have you made to keep them safe and you safe?
  • Regarding your profile have you specified the type of person(s) you are searching for, your boundaries, and the extent to which your partner will be participating?

Having sex with one or more people that are unfamiliar

One unfamiliar person

There is no magical formula for this situation and the best I can give is an opinion.

If the threesome involves your partner, yourself and an invited third person then this can be fairly straightforward. Assuming you meet the third person online a little bit of time should be taken to get to know each other. The level of knowledge about each, I believe, depends on the type of threesome being planned. Should this be either a soft-swap or full-swap threesome then very little needs to be known other than having enough information to make a decision if the person is a suitable candidate for a threesome.

After the decision is made to invite them for a threesome, one of two options exist. First option is having a meet and greet, whereby all three meet each but no sex occurs the first time. The time is used to get to know each other more and then make the decision if it is going to progress further.

Second option is allowing sex to occur during the first meeting. This is preferable for couples who have some experience or feel comfortable with the third person

Before the threesome occurs and if it has not already, the couple should discuss issues such as ensuring both of them have the same understanding of their boundaries, how will the time be divided, how attention should be given to the third person and any feelings / issues that have come up. Taking time to do this will help mitigate any potential misunderstanding that may occur.

Once the three come together for the threesome then things should proceed as fast as the person least comfortable. Drugs should not be used, alcohol kept to a minimum, and no one should be pressured into doing anything they do not want to do. Sometimes a slow transition such as playing a game like Twister, strip-poker, or giving a massage might help to transition to the threesome.

As the threesome begins foreplay should not be rushed but enjoyed. In a MFM the female should be in control and should direct the males how she wants to be pleased. The couple should adhere to their boundaries and should not deviate from them. The first time should not try to push limits but instead keep it simple. However, the situation is causing an issue then the threesome should be stopped, with no one becoming upset, and then at a later date decide if it should be retried.

Two unfamiliar males for MFM

Open Relationship

At the surface this would imply if the female was in a relationship and the relationship is an open relationship. In such a situation this would imply either dogging or another group sex activity such as greedy-girl. The risk here is for her safety and it is ideal that her partner is there to watch in order to protect her. This could raise some issues regarding comfort and performance anxiety. However her safety is paramount to any uneasiness or anxiety that may occur.

Ideally some screen should occur either before meeting or before any sexual activity happens. Along with screening some time should be taken to speak with each male before having sex in order to relax and make them more familiar. If at any point anyone becomes uncomfortable then the activity should stop.

Non-open relationship

This can be a very dangerous situation and should be cautiously approached. Ideally the female should let someone know about her whereabouts and plan for her safety. She should avoid using any drugs and avoid any alcohol as it could put her at further risk. Also she should not do this impulsively, such as meeting two men at bar, but should do it in a controlled situation such as a swingers club that does not serve alcohol. Again, take the time to speak with both of them and only do what you are comfortable with.

Issues / Risks / Concerns

In the above section I have talked about using an online site and some of the issues that go along with using them. In this section I am not going to repeat the information above and focus on other aspects.

General

  1. In this author’s opinion this type of planning poses a bigger risk since there is limited input from your partner and much of the planning is based on your preferences. This can lead to the wrong decisions being made, the wrong person being selected, and it can open up a myriad of other issues.

    Mitigation: Keep your partner updated about your progress and ask any questions that you feel is necessary. If you feel your partner my oppose something, is uncomfortable, or might agree to something then do not assume. As an alternative, take the time to update them and ask them about their level of comfort.

  2. Expectations are not clear: Expectations define boundaries and dictate acceptable behavior. Without clear and understandable expectations it is possible misunderstandings occur. In this type of situation misunderstandings happening increase due to the lack of involvement by your significant other.

    Mitigation: Talk about expectations with your partner that covers the whole spectrum from the type of person you will search for to acceptable behavior during the threesome.

  3. Threesome does not go as planned: This may be the result of not discussing the idea to the extent that was needed or unachievable expectations were set. Also feeling such as jealousy

    Mitigation: The more discussions that occur along with some research the more likely realistic expectations can be set. If there are issues regarding insecurity or jealousy then it is important to consider if having a threesome is the right decision

  4. Task seems overwhelming and it is not progressing as expected.

    Mitigation: Talk to your partner about helping out. Try to clarify needs and expectations.

  5. If one person did all of the work then it will go smoother, quicker, and with less issues:

    Mitigation: This author believes the more the work is shared then the greater the chance the planned threesome will be successful

  6. If you are planning to have a threesome without your partner, have you discussed boundaries for the threesome, boundaries about what you will share with them, and safe-sex practices that will be followed?

    Mitigation: Without having discussions about what is being planned along with the limits to discussions and activities for the threesome then it may create a lot of problems later.

  7. I cannot stress this enough, especially if this is going to done alone, safety is the utmost consideration.

    Mitigation: Examine the situation, identify potential risks, and find ways to mitigate those risks. Also, let someone know about your whereabouts if you are going to be participating in a threesome a lone.

Fantasy versus Reality

In my opinion this type of threesome planning can lead some to believe in an erotic story threesome. Whereby a threesome is planned by one person and the two invited males ravish the female in utter delight. Also for the woman it can create the belief that she will be sexually satisfied because there will be two males there to please her, competing against each other for her attention, and she will be at the center of attention. Unfortunately reality is not always like the movies or books. Having a threesome can be quite anxiety provoking for both a man and a woman. However a male publicly shows his anxiety through his inability to maintain an erection and cumming very quickly. Plus having a threesome is fought with emotions and it can make even the most emotionally strongest become emotionally upset.

Another issue becomes planning. For some they may believe allowing one person to plan a threesome is better since it streamlines it. However a lot of input and discussion is lost thereby allowing a threesome to be planned with limited input. This can work in some situations but a lot of the time it lead to something being missed thereby creating issues.

Finally, a threesome regardless of the type, should not be seen as a panacea for problems in the relationship. I do not believe it will fix a relationship and it could make a relationship worse. However if it is a loving and stable relationship then most likely it will not damage it. It might help it by help each the couple appreciate each other and communicate better.

We All Follow a Different Path


Fendi06

Intro

After reading this article I began thinking. At first it confirmed a lot, what I believed, about the route to a threesomes. However, the more I thought about it I began realising there is another step before starting the journey of having a threesome and it is the journey to arrive at having a threesome. As I thought about it, I realized two important points. First point, I believe, there are common drivers that brings a couple or individual to have a threesome. Second point, I believe, the rate each person progresses from having thinking about the idea to actually having one is different. Then as I began writing this article, I realised, the length of the journey each is influenced by their driving influence for the journey. In this article I will explore each of these points.

Journey’s First Steps

Intro

Each journey begins with a reason to start. For each couple or individual the reason may appear unique to them; however, I believe, there are some common reasons that I will explore in this section. Each section contains a description of the length of journey. This refers to how long the interest in having a threesome lasts once the first threesome occurs and this means it does not mean how long it takes from initial discussion to have a threesome.

Journey Reasons

Different / Curiosity (Journey length: short)

Curiosity is a good driver for a journey but it is not always a solid guide. Sometimes friends share their threesome experience, we read about a threesome experience that gets us aroused, or the idea intrigues us. Regardless of the reason, we are all intrigued by things that things that spark our interest that make us want to explore and with threesomes getting more positive media attention, it is no wonder more interest is sparked. However, having an interest does not mean you have a map and it may mean driving in the dark. This can lead to unnecessary detours, collisions, and wrong-turns along the way. For some they may get lost along away and others may lose interest, especially if they do not have clear directions or some other reason to continue on their journey. At least for me I see a couple / individual under this heading as having it on their bucket list of to do and unless there is a strong interest to continue, once the novelty wears off then it is likely the couple / individual will stop having a threesome.

Meets a need (Journey length: can be either short or long)

For this article I am not going to get into the discussion if humans are meant to be monogamous. Instead this means, everyone of us has a need and sometime having a threesome can meet that need. In this situation, I am not talking about using a threesome to prevent cheating or using a threesome to fix something in the relationship. .Need, in this context, means a sexual need that one person cannot fulfil. Such situations can include a busy individual who does not have time for a relationship due to commitments, someone who has had previous open relationships, or someone who is in relationship that is either bisexual or gay. This means having a threesome has some function in the relationship in order to maintain it and to allow it to grow.

Organic Growth / Relationship Development (Journey length: can be short or long)

This is different than curiosity in the sense that curiosity has an element of randomness, impulsivity, and uncertainty. Whereas organic growth implies a threesome that comes about due to the relationship developing and it being the next step in the relationship. Normally, I feel, this tends to be seen in couples that have been around a while and have been building up to this point through their exploration together.

Pressure / Coercion / Manipulation (Couples only – Journey length: typically short)

Generally speaking a threesome should only happen, this author believes, where there is an equal distribution of power in the relationship and the relationship is stable. Under this heading the threesome journey comes about due to balance in the relationship favouring one person over another to the point where they can exert influence to produce the result that they want. Usually these threesomes tend to be short term due to problems in the relationship.

Misunderstanding / Fallacy (Journey length: typically short)

This is a catch-all category for those who believe that by having a threesome it will solve a problem, such as lack of interest, or it is a quick way to get ‘laid.’ In this situation the individual or couple will approach the threesome based on that fallacy only to discover it is not the panacea that they were expecting.

Impulsivity (Journey length: typically short)

This is another catch-all category for decision made while drunk, high, or made on the spur of the moment. Impulsivity happens when a decision to have a threesome is made very quickly, without allot of information, and it can be a risky situation.

Infidelity (Couples only – Journey length short or long)

After an act of infidelity occurs sometimes a couple will choose to have a threesome. The reason for wanting a threesome may be the result, after some healing, a realization a need was not being met, the idea of their partner being with someone else is arousing to them, or it could a way of healing by coming to terms with what happened.

Speed

Intro

This section may be a bit misleading since it refers to the route that is taken in having a threesome rather than the time it takes from initial to discussion to actually having the threesome.

Baby Steps

Baby steps refers to talking small calculated steps in having a threesome. A route could be discussion > role playing > soft-swinging > threesome. It may be taken by couple / individual that needs to get comfortable with the idea and takes gradual step in order to reach their goal of having a threesome.

Discussion

A lot of discussions about the subject occurs before any definitive steps are taken.

‘Diving into the Deep End’

Very little discussion occurs before the threesome happens.

Polysingleish Interviews Franklin Veaux, Part 2: Sex and Boundaries


An excellent interview that is worth the time to read. I found it insightful and educational. It is a good article for anyone what to understand more about ‘poly’ relationships or more about alternative sexual practices.

 

Polysingleish Interviews Franklin Veaux, Part 2: Sex and Boundaries.

via Polysingleish Interviews Franklin Veaux, Part 2: Sex and Boundaries.

Analysis of open relationship study


English: A schematic showing the monogamy rela...

 

As stated in my previous blog, this author may due some analysis of an interesting study regarding open relationship. For those of you may not have read the previous blog regarding this interview study, it is a small study involving 86 gay male couples in a long-term open relationship and secure enough to discuss how the dealt with being in this type of relationship. Many came from San Francisco and California with the remainder coming from either large metropolitan states (e.g. NY or IL) or internationally.

 

The study primarily focused on how they dealt with managing their relationship from the start of discussing opening it through how it is maintained. It goes on to examine what non-monogamy looks like, the boundaries involved, and the impact it has.

 

Like any study it has limitations. Granted ethical considerations can limit the research being done, especially when it comes to sex. In addition the small sample size and limited geographical representation tends to represent open relationships in more metropolitan areas while under representing the issues couples, in open relationships face in suburban or rural areas. The fact this study examines gay male couples is not a major limitation, this author feels, since open relationships are common with gay males it offers generalizations that can be made about open relationships for heterosexual and lesbian couples.

 

The strength of this study lies in its examination of the boundaries and defining what is non-monogamy. By defining non-monogamy it covers all types of threesomes such as cuckolding, friends with benefits, threesomes and poly relationships thereby making it easier to generalize to non-gay open relationships.

 

Nonetheless, the when reading the article it becomes apparent the author interchangeably uses the words open relationship and non-monogamy. There are some like this author who feel there is a distinction between the two. This author believes the degree to which emotional monogamy exists in the relationship along with the context of the agreed sex outside of the relationship defines if the relationship is open. Likewise, the degree to which non-monogamy exists is defined by the degree to which physical and emotional monogamy exists in the relationship. Since this article deals with gay couples in an open relationship then the two terms most likely can be used interchangeably; however, a limitation of this article is the fact the author did not define the terms from the beginning and for some it can create confusion that the two different words mean the same.

 

Another strength of this article is the use of statistics and the use of participants’ answers to support points raised. For example the authors, at the beginning, talk about opening up the relationship. It provides statistics for how long it took to open the relationship and then drew on some of the comments made to further support their statements.

 

A third strength of this article is the time it devotes to boundaries and the extent involvement occurs. The section on boundaries specifically relates to gay couples in an open relationship, it can provide heterosexual couples who are struggling with the concept of boundaries insight on boundaries. Likewise the section regarding involvement. It is a detailed section that is well worth reading since it can provide insight for non-gay couples wanting to learn more about the risks of emotional involvement.

 

Overall the article is constructed in a very logical and understandable way. The one area, for future research, should be is how the couples arrived at the decision to open up the relationship. Granted the authors states there is no road map to non-monogamy but does not support the claim, to the extent they do with other parts of the article. There is some mention about how the open relationship started but not the events leading up to that point.

 

Another area for consideration is a comparison of heterosexual couples with gay male and lesbian couples who are in an open relationship. By doing this, it will help others to understand some of the common principles that underpin an open relationship. Likewise those who struggle with being in an open relationship versus those who are secure with it. While there are some limitations to this article, this author feels there is useful information for anyone wanting to further understand open relationships.

 

 

 

Study on long-term gay open relationships


English: DIGNITY & RESPECT (2001) is a U.S. Ar...

The links take you to a study, on ejhs.org  and felt some of my followers might enjoy reading it. The study examines gay males in long-term open relationships. While some may feel because it relates to gay males it has no value to heterosexual couples or lesbian couples in an open relationship. In my opinion, it can provide some insight and  regarding how an open relationship operates, maintains itself, and evolves over time. However the one minor issue with the study is alluding all forms of threesomes are a form of an open relationship. From reading the study it is difficult to know how the researchers define open relationship. It is this author’s opinion, if couple has threesome and does not have their own separate experience then the relationship is not open.

This is a small study with 86 couples. With any study relating to sex there are some limitations and biases to the study. Since this study involves interviews instead of being a controlled study or a study were couples are observed it means there are other possible reasons for the results.  Some reasons could be wanting to please the interviewer by giving answers they believe they wanted, being guarded about revealing too much information, and giving socially acceptable answer. Plus research ethical requirements can place limitations on studies of this type due to potential damage and the private nature of sex. Finally the researchers note the sample being primarily middle-age white males and the authors note the encountered reluctance to participate. This can skew the results and limit the study’s ability to be generalized.

Nonetheless, I feel this study may provide insight in how open relationships evolve and operate in a relationship, regardless if it heterosexual or homosexual. Some interesting findings I feel that are worth considering and may be applicable to other couples include, though not limited to:

  • 42% of couples surveyed were initially monogamous
  • 6% moved away from being open and towards monogamy
  • 58% made the decision to open up their relationship between 1 – 24 years into relationship with 24% being in the relationship more than 7 years before agreeing to open up their relationship. The average time being 6.6 years
  • Couples find their own road-map in to non-monogamy
  • 56% of couples chose to play together & separately
  • Couples that ‘share’ non-monogamy together (e.g. threesomes) evolved into having their own experiences
  • Communication being essential

This author may follow-up with a further analysis regarding this study and talk about it applicability to other couples. However this article this study seems to suggest that about 50% of those in long-term relationships practice involving their partner in at least some of their sexual experiences with someone else. Such a result is quite interesting since it suggests for a open relationship to survive, for many couples, involving their significant other in some experiences is necessary. It raises the question why does it occur? Is a trust issue or it is a boding / sharing issue? Also this study suggests that there is not specific stages a relationship goes through as it evolves into an open relationship. Instead it seems to suggest the each couple finds their own way in having an open relationship. Finally this study seems to reinforce the need for communication in order to maintain the relationship.

If you have read the study what are your thoughts?

Evolution of a threesome relationship to an open relaitonship: Relationship structure, Multi-partner relationships, and Communication


Most of my writing regarding threesomes have focused on having a full-swap threesome, which is most peoples’ idea of a threesome. Nonetheless there is another aspect of having a threesome, the “open relationship.” Many people will wrongly confuse having a full-swap threesome with open relationship. Generally speaking, this perception is wrong; nonetheless, a threesome can involve into an open relationship. This article will explore how this can happen while looking at the potential risks and potential benefits.

To help put things into context let us assume there is a couple George and Martha who have been married for 25 years and after their youngest leaves for university decide to push the boundaries of their relationship. As a part of their exploration they decide to have a threesome with Mark, who is similar and age to them. They “hit it off” and the threesome they have is quite good. George enjoyed seeing Martha being please by another man and found it as validation of his wife’s desirability. After all of them having a good time then decide to meet again. It now raises the question is this an open relationship?

The answer to this, it depends. If for example George and Martha invite Mark back as a couple for another threesome then it is not an open relationship. Reason being both George & Martha are doing this as a couple and they are keeping their relationship emotionally monogamous. However, if they continue having threesomes with Mark whereby either George or Martha begins developing feelings for Mark then the question becomes how do they approach it? If the threesome relationship continues to develop into a polyamourous relationship, in this case sometimes referred to as a ménage de trios then it has developed into open relationship. Likewise if George and Martha decides to allow Martha to have sex along with Mark, such as cuckolding, then it would also be considered an open relationship.

Taking this a bit further what does it mean for George and Martha? If they are polyamorous route whereby Mark becomes an equal part of their relationship then it will mean, at a minimum, discussions about boundaries (e.g. how Martha will divide her time), how George and Mark will interact (e.g. will there male on male contact?) dealing with issues of jealousy, and devoting a lot of time to communication. Communication at this level is goes beyond basic social conversation that involves discussions regarding feelings, issues, and solving problems as they arise. This means for all three they must be able to communicate with each other, be assertive, and to be able to meet their needs while being able to meet the needs of the other two. Essentially this means each of them will have to invest a lot of their time into maintaining the relationship.

In contrast, if George and Martha opt for an open relationship where Martha is allowed to see Mark on her own then the question for them are they opting for a cuckolding relationship or a true open relationship. If the former is the case then it most likely means George will remain emotionally monogamous to Martha while she forms an emotional attachment to Mark. It also means that George and Martha will have to agree on boundaries and limits to this activity. Whereas, if the latter is their decision then Mark essentially becomes a secondary relationship for Martha. This will then mean for them they will have to agree if George is also able to pursue someone else outside of the relationship, agree on the ability to spend the night with their lovers, and communicate in order to address issues as they come up.

From a relationship risk stand point, a threesome relationship that continues can provide additional demands on the relationship in particular a greater need to communicate to address issues as they arise along with the risk of forming emotional attachment to the invited third person. Without communication including discussing issues as they are arise it is likely the couple will miss something that will adversely impact their relationship. Therefore it is important after every threesome that the couple work the any issues that arise, discuss their feelings including their feelings towards the invited third person, and discuss their next step. Without taking these basic steps the couple may put their relationship at risk.

FAQs regarding soft-swinging


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What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

6 characteristics of successful couples


Kama Sutra Illustration

What relationship characteristics can mean a successful threesome is possible?

If someone asks me, what needs to be present in a relationship in order to have a successful threesome? My response will be planning and having the needed characteristics. Anyone can plan a threesome but having the needed characteristics helps. Characteristics mean those intangible qualities the couple has that can help them in having a successful threesome. It goes without saying there are two parts to a couple, each individual and how each individual interacts with the other that allows them to function as a couple. For this discussion the focus will be on the latter.

Characteristic #1: Gregarious

It is my feeling the couple needs to have at least six characteristics and the first one being gregarious. This means the couple is extroverted or sociable.  Without being gregarious a couple may find they miss certain cues, may find it is difficult to attract a third person and it may mean they find themselves in situations that they would prefer did not occur. Also they may find, with the third person that they hit resistance since they lack the social skills to more things forward and lack the awareness of certain cues being present.  This may cause the couple to worry about if they are going to offend the third person and may cause them to be overly cautious in their approach. With that said, it does not mean a couple that is not extroverted cannot have a threesome but it does mean, without the necessary social skills building the necessary rapport with the third person is difficult thereby leading to frustration in their journey to have a threesome.

Characteristic #2: Effective Communicators

Next characteristic is effective communication. All of us claim to be good communicators but being good does not mean being effective. Effective communication means being able to communicate your needs, having those needs understood and then being able to have those needs met. This means being able to meet your needs without using threats, coercion, or manipulation. Instead it means talking about needs, negotiating to meet them and if a misunderstanding develops then talking through the issue in order to find a solution.

Normally this involves trusting the other individual and having mutual respect for each other. By having effective communication it means each individual in the relationship will have their needs met. However, without effective communication a threesome may leave some feeling hurt, angry, or frustrated due to the lack of communication.

Characteristic #3: Teamwork

Third characteristic is a couple who approaches having a threesome as a team endeavor.  Simply put, it is a couple who shares the responsibility for planning the threesome and discusses it.  They communicate with each other about their progress, support each other, and discuss issues as they occur. Essentially they supporting each other as they work towards their common goal of having a threesome.

Characteristic #4: Stable, Satisfying Relationship

Fourth characteristic is a couple free from any noticeable issues.  The couple themselves may not be aware but if there is an underlying issue it can impact how they interact and how others perceive them. It is important the couple shares other interests and have a variety of ways they can connect emotionally. This will be something the third person will notice and can influence their decision to participate. If there are any issues they should be resolved before searching for a third person.

Characteristic #5: At Least 2 Years Together

Fifth characteristic is history together. Ideally, this author feels, a couple should have 2 – 5 years together before having a threesome. This allows enough time for the couple to work through a few issues, go through some “difficult times,” and develop their communication skills. Also, it allows them time to develop their identity as a couple and learn about each other, thereby lowering the chance that something will be misunderstood.

Characteristic #6: Separating sex from love

Final characteristic involves understanding sex can be a part of loving someone but at the same understanding that having sex does not equate to love. The latter is a challenge. Since the social message for a woman if she has sex for pleasure and has sex with someone who is not her husband then she is ‘slutty.’ Also, having sex for pleasure, bring up feelings of guilt because experiencing sex for pleasure goes against our earliest teaching and learning it is okay to have sex without having an emotional attachment is okay. Finally the challenge for a couple that is successful at having a threesome is being able to practice having sex with someone else does not mean relationship abandonment. This is probably the biggest hurdle and a hurdle that causes a lot of problems for couples. It can bring up feelings of anger, jealousy, and abandonment. In many cases these feelings are based on personal insecurity and not what is really happening in the threesome journey.

Conclusion

It is relatively easy to understand sex does not necessarily equals love but it is another to apply that concept while watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with someone else. Being able to communicate, being social, having time to be a couple, and working together as a couple are essential, this author believes, for a couple to have a threesome. Without having these characteristics having a threesome maybe difficult and may pose some challenges for them.  Taking the time to develop them may help the couple have a rewarding and enjoyable threesome.