Planning a successful threesome


Threesome in the Corner

Intro

Successful threesomes do not just happen. They are the result of communication, a stable relationship, and time together as a couple. Does this mean that every couple that has a stable relationship, good communication, and have been together for several years are guaranteed a successful threesome? No, threesomes fail for a variety of reasons including good planning and so no couple should never feel that there is a guaranteed formula for a successful.

This article will explore some of the necessary ingredients and also explore some of the more common reasons as to why threesomes do not work. This article will look at relationships, third person choice, communication, and then finally at some of the more common reasons about why a threesome may fail.

Relationships

What is necessary in a relationship for a threesome to work? To begin with the couple needs some ‘history’ together. This means that they have worked through some issues and gone through some stressful times together. By having these experiences they begin to develop a coping mechanism that allows them to discuss other challenges in the future. Typically a couple should be together a minimum of two years and preferably five years before considering having a threesome.

Another issue for couples considering having a threesome is the decision to have threesomes needs to be an egalitarian, decision equally made by both, in regards to having a threesome. This means that using pressure, manipulation, bargaining, or any other method to coerce an agreement to have a threesome will almost certainly make sure issues at a later date. Also this includes the reason for having a threesome. If there are feelings that a spouse will cheat if a threesome does not occur, that they will leave, or any other similar reasons then the couple should consider not having a threesome until these issues are resolved.

For a couple timing does become a consideration. If the couple has just met, recently married, gone through a major life stress, going through a major life stress, expect that they will be going through a major life stress then a couple does not have a threesome during this time. Major life events are those events that define a milestone in someone’s life. For each person and couple they are different; however they include issues such as:

  • Major illness
  • Surgery
  • Loss of a job
  • Birth of a child
  • Death of a close family member (e.g. child, parent, sibling)
  • Moving
  • Change in job or promotion
  • Debt or bankruptcy

Finally the couple needs to have developed a bond. This bond needs to be one that is special and unique. Each person needs to see the other as their life partner or soul mate. It is difficult to put into the words the unique bond that is needed. If the couple has not achieved the unique bond then taking some time to develop their relationship would be worth considering. Developing the relationship does not need therapy but taking time together. While they take time to spend together they use it to learn more about each other, develop their communication, and feel committed to one another.

Communication

Communication is an involved subject and much of it is beyond the scope of this article. This article will focus on the communication necessary for deciding on having a threesome. Essentially communicating about having a threesome involves three areas: discussion of the subject, boundaries, continued communication after the threesome. It also means that the communication in the relationship is at a point where each person can talk to the other without the fear of conflict, ridicule, or abandonment. It means that even though the other person may not agree with what is being said there is enough ‘respect’ in the relationship that allows the information to be communicated without fear.

Discussion of the subject

This area involves talking about all areas that relate, directly or indirectly, to having a threesome that occurs outside of the bedroom. It involves, but not limited to, talking about what ifs, scenarios, planning the threesome, and the type of person the two of you would invite. The discussions occur over a period sometimes weeks, years, and sometimes it resolves itself where no threesome happens. Anyhow the discussions have an aim of making an egalitarian decision about if the couple will have a threesome and if it does happen how it will be structured.

Boundaries

Boundaries do form a part of the discussion of the subject but are so important that they actually become a separate discussion. There are two components to discussing boundaries: relationship boundaries and threesome boundaries. Relationship boundaries regard how the relationship will run during the time the couple is active in having threesomes and how the couple will handle their threesome experience once the decision is made not to have anymore threesomes. While the threesome boundaries address the issues of the limits for the threesome. Since each couple is unique along with their own unique requirements there are no set boundaries. Instead the couples need to discuss and negotiate their boundaries.

Fear

One member of a couple may have a threesome out of fear of loosing their partner. Once they go through with it they have a lot of feelings such as guilt, anger, and disappointment. A lot of times they may have problems communicating to their partner that they did not like the threesome and this allows further problems to grow within the relationship until the relationship ends.

Communication after the threesome – debriefing

Once the threesome ends it does not mean that communication ends too. Instead it means that the couple continues to talk about their experiences and feelings about the threesome as long as necessary. Ideally after each threesome the couple has they should, as soon possible, talk about the experience including any feelings that it may have brought up.

Third Person Selection

For some couples they do not put any effort into it by choosing someone they know who they feel is a safe choice. However this can have some very devastating consequences for the couple.

As the couple talks about the type of threesome they want they need to include discussing the type of person they would invite and the type of person they would not invite. This means each couple takes the time work through who would meet their needs. The rest of this discussion will focus on issues surrounding third person selection.

No need to discuss when the time feels right

One fallacy, a couple may believe is, there is no need to discuss having a threesome and they will know when it feels rights. For most couples this is a major mistake. Reason being, the couple has acted impulsively and have not thought through all the potential issues thereby leaving themselves vulnerable to potential issues.

Choosing friends and co-workers

Friendships are put at risk when the subject of having a threesome comes up. Granted you may hear the odd story where a friend was more than willing to take part in a threesome with a couple. However the reality of the story 99% of the time the friend will not be receptive to the idea and even if they are receptive there are added risks that they bring that a ‘stranger’ would not bring. So it is very important that if you are considering asking a friend that the decision is weighed heavily against loosing them as a friend and loosing your partner too.

As for co-workers there are so many issues this author does not know where to begin. To begin with if there is a supervisory relationship or even the slightest remote possibility that at some point in the distant future that it may be a supervisory relationship then avoid it at all costs. Reason being too much of a risk for complaints about sexual harassment, unfair working practices, hostile work environment, and a host of other complaints could be filed. Which means your personal life now becomes the focus of internal investigation and an investigation by several governmental agencies.

Another reason for avoiding a co-worker is risk of exposure. Yes, they may not say anything now. However what will happen if they say no or worse yet, what will happen in the future especially when it goes sour? The last thing you want is to be the subject of gossip mill at work or begin to get the reputation that you are ‘easy’.

Finally the risk for exposure can diminish any career prospects for you when you leave your role. It is better to play it safe by keeping work and your personal life separate than trying to mix the two.

Conclusion

A successful threesome does not just happen. Instead it involves communication, choosing the right person, and being together long enough to have developed a strategy for dealing with issues. Without taking the time to plan and discuss the idea, a threesome poses a risk to a couple’s relationship.

Meet and greet – no pressure way to meet


 

Meet and greet area at the new Hyderabad Inter...

 

Introduction:

 

On our metaphoric journey we have finished descending down from the mountains and can begin to see our final destination just in front of the horizon. Purpose of the meet and greet for a couple is it gives them a chance to meet the third person they have been communicating with and make decisions about their next steps. This section will talk in more detail about arranging a meet and greet along with some of the issues that may be encountered. Finally this is meant as an overview in order to give a couple an ideas what is involved with a meet and greet and this chapter not meant to be a treatise on the topic.

 

Meet & Greet – Two forms defined

 

Meet & Greets have two different usages when it comes to threesomes and group sex. First definition refers to a meet & greet discussed whereby a couple meets a third person in order to discover if enough of an attraction exists for a threesome. Normally this is done by couples starting out in order to give them a bit more control over the situation and to ensure that the decision they are making is the right decision for them. For the purpose of this article when discussing meet & greet it will refer to this definition.

 

Second use of the term refers to an off-premise event, where sex does not occur at the venue and it purpose is meant to be a no pressure event regarding sex. It is meant for people who share a similar interest to come together to meet and discuss. Such a forum provides a chance to make contacts and serves as another way to meet people interested in having threesomes.

 

Issues for Couples

 

At this stage the idea of having a threesome has for the most part moved from fantasy to becoming more real. For the couple it means taking the first solid step towards having it and it may mean some insecurity is encountered. If the couple has not had “the talk,” yet, then it should occur before meeting the invited third person. “The talk,” involves acknowledging that planning to have a threesome is a mutual decision with the right to change their mind at any time without repercussion and not to hold it against the other should it goes forward. Also it involves talking about the planned threesome, how they expect to feel about it, especially if they are going to be the one watching their partner having sex with someone else and talking about any issues that may have arisen. Finally it is meant to go through the boundaries to make sure they are workable, use the time to talk about any issues, and to agree to talk after the threesome happens in order to address any unresolved feelings.

 

General Principles

 

Ideally before arranging a meet and greet some conversations should have already occurred between the three of them. The conversations should have, at a minimum, covered a summary of boundaries and expectations.  Based on conversations that have already taken place there should be a general consensus that there is an interest in having a threesome and at some level an attraction among all three exists.

 

Meeting place should be a public area and preferably not a bar or club. Instead place should allow conversations to happen and be somewhere that encourages all three to be social. Typical places would include restaurant, a theatrical production, a movie, or other public events. Should there be some physical distance between the couple and the third person then maybe meeting half-way or some other compromise maybe needed. It should go without saying that considering the risk and safety need to be factored in deciding where to meet.

 

Third before meeting it should be clear to everyone what the evening will entail and if sex might occur. Ideally for a couple that is still new then it would be best to wait until the second meeting before allowing the threesome to happen. It does not mean that flirting, incidental contact, or limited touching cannot occur. In some ways it gives each person a chance to gage their reaction before things become more intimately involved and it gives the couple one more chance to work through any outstanding feelings. By doing it this way means setting boundaries and expectations then sticking to them thereby helping the couple to prepare for the eventual threesome.

 

Fourth the couple should not be shocked if their invited third person does not show up. “No shows” can be common and it comes with the territory. Ideally you should give the third person some time past the stated time in the event they were delayed by traffic, work, or did not leave as expected. Ideally this author would recommend giving the third person if they are not on time an addition 15 – 30 minutes. Should the invited third not show up without giving proper notice then it is best not to waste your time on them and find someone else. It is important to remember that having a threesome and having a relationship analogous to dating are two separate things. A goal of this type of threesome is to avoid forming feelings or an attachment to the third person. By becoming fixated on one person as the ideal choice for the threesome increases the chance that feelings will develop and it is best to move on rather then risking that.

 

Fifth point, at this stage you are not looking for “coffee moments,” whereby a deep long lasting friendship is developed before the threesome happens. By the time you arrange a meet & greet as a couple you should be about 80% – 95% certain that you would like to have a threesome with the person that you are meeting. At this stage if it is going to happen then the transition to the threesome happening is quite fast, no more than 2 – 3 face to face meetings. If it takes longer than about 3 meets without something happening then the couple needs to examine the reason.

 

Finally meeting a third person and having a threesome are not the same. It could be that when you communicate that an attraction exists but when you meet the attraction seems to fizzle. This may mean you have made a new friend, if you choose, but it also means you need to begin your search again.

 

Meeting Etiquette

 

Reality is there is no right way to meet the person. Dress for the meeting is dictated by where you will be meeting and to a lesser extent the expected threesome. Normally this means for males dressing smart, female(s) can dress sexy as long as it is appropriate for where they are going to be, being properly groomed, and following proper hygiene are essential too.

 

Some couples may have the person who is the same gender (e.g male half of the couple meet the invited male or if mff having the female half of the couple meet the invited woman) meet alone with the third person to screen them and then to introduce them to their partner. Screening at this point is to make sure that with who you are meeting is the same person that you have been talking with, to see if an attraction exists, and to ensure that the third person is still in agreement with the planned boundaries.

 

Purpose of the meeting is twofold. One as already stated to give a chance for the couple to think through if they want to go through with the planned threesome using this person. Second is to develop a “working relationship” with the third person whereby a level of comfort is established and the necessary communication is also established. By developing this type of relationship the hope is that the threesome once it does happen will go smoothly because some of the foundation has already been laid.

 

During the meeting, especially at the start, the conversation should be social and follow the normal social rules. This means the invited third person should treat the couple as a couple and be respectful towards their relationship. Just because the purpose of the meeting is to determine if a threesome is possible, it means the invited third person is to take their cues from the couple regarding behaviour especially when it comes to flirting and any touching.

 

At some point the conversation will begin to turn to sex and the threesome if an attraction exists. It is important that the couple steers the conversation, not let it go beyond what they are comfortable with, and reinforce their boundaries. Should there be indications that things are progressing towards a threesome then the couple needs to begin the conversation regarding boundaries and expectation along with giving the invited third person a chance to discuss their needs too.

 

Finally if the couple stated that sex was not going to occur during the first meeting then the couple needs to let the invited third person know how and when they would get back to them about their decision. The third person should not pressure them to rush their decision and whatever their decision they need to respect it.

 

Conclusion

 

This section basically introduced the idea of the meet & greet and how it functioned. It has not covered all issues involved because it is not a treaties on the subject and its purpose was to give couples an introduction into how to have a meet & greet. Any meeting of a potential third person needs to consider risk, safety, and the impact on the couple’s relationship which means no threesome is free of risk.

 

 

Can a threesome help a relationship?


Imagine this scenario, a couple finds sex is becoming mundane and predictable considers having a threesome in order to add “spice” to their sex life. Likewise another couple  finds sex between them is electrifying and wanting to explore their boundaries. Which one, do you feel is like to have an enjoyable threesome experience that can help their relation? The answer might surprise you.

In order to answer that question it is important to define the word help. Help in this context means either fixing a relationship or improving it. It does not mean being therapeutic nor doe it mean providing a path to find an answer. This means having a threesome as a way for fixing a relationship poses some challenges and risks. Usually if there is a problem in a relationship it means there is a corresponding issue regarding communication. If there is a problem with communication then the likelihood that an important topic is missed regarding having a threesome increase and thereby means having problems due to having a threesome increases.   By having a threesome it can bring up underlying issues that the couple was not prepared to address. Without having the necessary tools, such as communication, in addressing underling issues then there is a high probability that the relationship will suffer. Does this mean the relationship is doomed to fail? No,  but it does mean the couple will likely face challenges that they will need to be prepared to address and without being able to successfully address them then it is likely the relationship will fail.

Does this then mean a couple that finds sex electrifying will be without issues? Again the answer is no. However, it does mean the couple is approaching a threesome from a position of strength thereby decreasing the chance that a threesome will go wrong. If a couple is finding sex electrifying between the two of them, for example, then it indicates they are doing something right. Most likely, though not guaranteed, communication exists and they, most likely, have the right relationship dynamic for a threesome. Nonetheless, there are no guarantees and there still remains a chance that an issue will develop that the couple did not consider. Such issues can include lack of clarity on boundaries and misunderstanding boundaries. Feelings beginning to develop for the third person and underlying relationship issues brought forward. Anytime a couple considers having a threesome they need to do it cautiously and be prepared for any issue that may arise.

Does this mean a threesome cannot help a relationship? No, but it does mean a threesome can weaken a poor relationship and it could help a strong relationship by allowing further development of communication between the couple. Therefore any couple thinking about a threesome need to work through any relationship issue before having a threesome in order to mitigate any issue that could hurt their relationship. If a couple is able to communicate and work through their problems then having a threesome may be something that could help them.

Preventing and dealing with a threesome that has gone wrong


English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelingsIntro

Having a threesome is unpredictable. It has the ability to bring out a plethora of emotions, in a very short period of time, ranging from sheer excitement to sheer fear of abandonment while experiencing nearly every emotion  in between. Some describe it as a roller coaster of emotions and planning on how to deal with them is an integral part of the threesome planning process. Experiencing a lot of emotions over a very short-period of time can too much for some to handle. Planning for this is not always easy and even with the best preparation sometimes the unexpected does happen. This article will briefly look at some of the underlying issues about why a threesome can go wrong and briefly look at some of the possible reasons and steps that can be taken to reduce the chance that it may occur.

Threesome as a catalyst for emotions & communication

Generally speaking threesomes do not create problems. Instead a threesome can act as a catalyst that brings up issues in the relationship that already existed and were brought to the surface by the stress and the dynamics of having a threesome. Essentially, this means, the root of the issue lies in the communication structure of the relationship.

Examples of communication issues include the relationship may have an unwritten rule that certain issues are not discussed, the needs of one spouse takes precedence over the needs of another, or the power of one spouse over the over. These issues will show themselves in many ways in a threesome. For example, if the couple has issues with power then this may play out in the selection of the third whereby one person in the couple submits to the choice due to repeated pressure by their partner. Alternatively, it can show itself in the discussion of the threesome and the repeated conflicts the discussion brings. Likewise, if a couple avoids certain topics then this issue may play out in the choice of the third person whereby one person chooses with minimal advice, if any, from their partner and their partner goes along with the choice without raising any discussion. as the choice of the third, initial resistance to the idea, using threats to end the relationship if a threesome does not, or a resulting power struggle the is brought from planning a threesome.

This means before having a threesome the couple needs to be comfortable with each other enough that discussing anything is possible without fear and have enough history together that any issue can be worked through successfully.

An approach: Dealing with threesome issues

When an issue comes up in a threesome, regardless if it is during or after, there are some solutions that can be tried. The first step is to take a break from having threesomes and if it happens during the threesome then it should be immediately ended. After the threesome has ended the first step is to discuss the events that lead up to the issue. This includes though not limited to:

 

  • Understanding of boundaries
  • Expectation for the threesome
  • Reason for wanting to have a threesome
  • What each person was feeling right before the issue
  • What each person felt right after the issue

Once they have found a solution then their next step is decide if they will continue to have a threesome and if so then they will need to adhere to agreement they made with each other Alternatively if they decide not to continue then it might be worthwhile six to twelve months down the road to revisit the decision.

Mitigating the risk

This leads this author to the question what are the signs and what can be done to prevent issues or at least reduce their impact. Each couple from first discussion to debriefing should take the time to discuss potential reactions that they may have, what might trigger the reaction, how the expect to handle them, and get their partner’s feedback about their reactions. By talking through and addressing any potential ‘flashpoints’ will go a long way to lower any negative feelings after the threesome.

Also as a part of their discussion about having a threesome the couple needs to talk about other broader issues relating to a threesome such as their religious beliefs about sex / threesomes, definitions of cheating, their attitudes about sex, how they were taught about sex, marriage, and how they view what they are planning to do. Taking the time to discuss these issues and work through them will also help to lower any negative feelings afterwards.

Then after the threesome the couple should expect as the thrill of the meet begins to wear off and the reality of what has occurred begins to enter their reality they should expect some feelings that they were not planning to experience. Also they will need to accept their actions, the impact that it may have on their partner and accept that the act has occurred there is no way to change it. Some feelings that may be experienced include:

  • Husband not expecting his wife to enjoy it as much as she did
  • Wife feeling guilty afterwards
  • Feeling as though they have cheated even though their behavior was within the defined boundaries
  • Feelings of loss and / or abandonment
  • Questioning if your partner still loves you
  • Guilt
  • Conflicting emotions over enjoying the meet but feeling as though it was not meant to be enjoyed
  • Issues that were underlying in the relationship begin to surface
  • A fondness for the third person
  • Questions about their relationship

It is important immediately after the threesome comes to an end that the couple begin to talk through the encounter. They should begin to discuss issues about:

  • How they are feeling
  • What they liked about the encounter
  • What they did not like
  • Any issues that were brought up by their actions or the action of their spouse
  • Any boundaries that they thought were violated
  • Any boundaries that they feel should be changed and a reason for them being changed.
  • Would they want to have another threesome
  • Would they want to invite the same person again
  • What would they like to try next time
  • What would they do differently

If debriefing does not occur right after the encounter the risk is that issues will begin to develop and feelings will go unaddressed. Neglecting debriefing will cause a downward spiral in the relationship and allow any issue to grow larger.

For a threesome to have a minimal negative effect on feelings communication needs to be occurring throughout the process, feelings need to be addressed, any issues need to be addressed, and the couple needs to accept that feelings are a part of being human. It is not bad to have feelings that make you uncomfortable but what you do with them is what matters.

Common places to have a threesome


 

English: derivative of File:Thumb1.png depicti...

 

One of the biggest challenges a couple will face when planning a threesome is where to have it and it is important to remember all threesomes have inherent risks, for example: pregnancy, risk to the relationship,  safety, and STI/ STDs, There are several different places to have it and this article will explore some of the more common places along with their advantages and disadvantages.

 

Home: This is the place where the couple lives and provides them with a level of familiarity. By having a familiar place it will help them to feel comfortable and can help the couple be more responsive thereby allowing them to enjoy the threesome more. However there are some issues with having a threesome at their home. First is a loss of privacy, neighbors may see you bringing in a stranger and the third person knowing where you live. This can lead to further issue such as safety and having your identity stolen. Another issue bringing the third person to your home can pose, children unexpectedly waking up or walking in on the activity.  Final issue is getting the third person to leave after the threesome. Normally this does not seem to be a major issue but it can be if they are not ready.

 

Third Person’s Residence: As an option this addresses many of the issue above but it can increase the risk to safety. Along with the issue of safety, going to a strange place may make being responsive difficult and it can create a very uncomfortable feel.  Also, if they live a far distance from the couple’s residence it may make travelling to their place impossible and if they have children then the children will be exposed to the threesome.

 

Hotel / Motel: Offers a good alternative between staying at someone’s home and bringing someone into your home. It offers a good way of protecting identity and possibly providing a relaxed atmosphere for a threesome.  However, this choice can be expensive and not all lodging places welcome this type of activity. It is possible, though this author feels the risk is generally low, if there is an arrangement to split the cost, the couple pays for the room(s), or the invited third person pays for the room(s) then it is possible that there is a risk of being charged with prostitution. The risk increases if the lodging facility does not approve of the activity and the laws regarding prostitution can be liberally interpreted in applying it to a threesome situation. This author feels the best way to avoid this risk is by having each book a room and pay for their own room.

 

Dogging:  This is an activity that is popular in England and it involves having sex in public. Typically there are locations that are known where this activity occurs and you can meet someone for some anonymous sex. It poses several risks such as risk to safety, risk of arrest, and risk of STDs / STIs.

 

Swingers Clubs: Like a hotel / motel they offer a good place for a threesome. Nonetheless there are several issues with them such as cost and distance (since they tend to be in / near large metropolitan cities). Also couples need to be clear about their boundaries, be willing to discuss their boundaries, and be willing to mingle to find someone.

 

Online – Webcam / Instant Messenger / Chatrooms: Having an online threesome offers a couple an opportunity to have a threesome without the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases from the invited third person, along with greater protection for their relationship. It also offers the third person a voyeur role whereby they can watch the couple having sex.  While having an online threesome allows an interaction there are some distinct disadvantages.  A disadvantage is the artificialness of the experience. Having to interact online and not be physically present can act as a barrier thereby removing some of the spontaneity. Another disadvantage lies in the rules of the site and the law. By having a threesome online it could violate the Terms of Service of the site and potentially be in violation of the country’s law, especially if one of the participants is under the age of 18.

 


 

 

 

Transitioning through the phases of a threesome


a trio of languid lesbians enjoying a salami.

Introduction:

As with anything in life there is a point of no return, a point where the decision is made to either go ahead or deciding to abort the plan. Having a threesome is no different but an extra problem does exist for the couple, how to make the transition from the decision to actually having the threesome then how do they handle it once it is over? This article explores the idea of managing a threesome for a new couple that has not selected a third person with some experience having threesomes with couples.

Planning for the couple:

At this point in the couple’s journey they realize that there is more than a 90% chance that a threesome will happen. Much, is dependent on how well the three of them get along and how they couple transitions from being social to actually having the threesome.

By this point it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion whereby a boundary is unintentionally crossed or delaying having a threesome in order to renegotiate their boundaries. If the couple is not sure about their boundaries then it is not advisable to go forward with having a threesome. Instead any changes that can be made are last minutes tweaks such as clarifying their understanding or talking about feelings.

Right before meeting the third person, it gives he couple one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also,  it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Meeting the Third Person

Nothing in life is guaranteed nor should something happen just because some effort has been invested in making an event happen. This means for example, if a couple expects a threesome to happen only to find out their planned threesome becomes shattered because of a lack of compatibility, then they should be have included as a part of their planning. Likewise as a part of their planning in meeting the third person they should also plan on what to do if they feel there is compatibility with them. Compatibility, in this sense means, there is enough similarities and attraction that a threesome can occur.

Once the third person has arrived it is the couple, for the most part, is in control. The invited third person will have their say if they want to participate in the planned threesome but the boundaries, for the most part, will be in the couple’s control. This means the couple will dictate the speed at which things progress and the boundaries.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that is possible but lacks certainty that it is going to happen.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not understand what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror. Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically. Having been through this experience it is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that safety is an issue, threesomes can change your perception of things. By this I mean seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion

Threesomes can be exciting and can also challenge a relationship. There is no way to predict if a threesome will be successful or if it will be damage a relationship. With the right selection of the third person, the ability to manage feelings, the ability to manage the transition, and the ability to communicate a couple can have a successful threesome experience.

The Basics: Planning a Threesome


English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...

Planning a Threesome

What do you think of when you hear the words, planning a threesome? Possibly an erotic experience whereby emotions are reduced to their lowest common denominator and pure physical enjoyment becomes paramount? Maybe an image of a couple staying up late at night going over every minutia of their planned threesome and throwing up their hands because they have been too overwhelmed. For others it may invoke a feeling that planning is a waste of time because it detracts from the excitement of having a threesome. Whatever image it conjures for you, planning a threesome should not be seen as a negative event. Instead it should be seen as a necessary activity that is shared in order to help ensure that the relationship survives the threesome by mitigating the risk a threesome can bring to the relationship.

Defining Planning & Overview of this opinion piece

In order to prevent confusion regarding what is mean by planning a threesome, in this article planning a threesome it means examining the idea of having a threesome from various angles in order to reach an agreement, understanding what is going to happen, finding a way to work through any unresolved issues and to cover any issue that may get overlooked. Essentially, planning a threesome is the process brings together any concern, highlights any expectation and outputs a plan to ensure that each person’s interest is addressed. Therefore, while there is no one way to examine the issue of planning threesome, this article will provide an opinion of a way addressing it by examining a few of the core elements this author feels that needs to be included. Nonetheless this article is not meant to be an exhaustive treatise on the subject and is only meant to provide a rudimentary template for couples to adapt to their situation.

Finally I am well aware that not everyone believes that a couple should have sex with someone outside of their relationship and that is a viewpoint that is respected by me. Nonetheless, this author feels whatever an adult couple with the ability to consent decides to do in their home is their decision. My feeling it is better to provide an opinion on an aspect of a threesome than for a couple to enter a threesome without much guidance thereby undertaking unnecessary risk to their relationship. Therefore, this article targets couples who are considering the idea but need to understand how to approach it. Last point, this article will attempt to look at having a threesome from various points in order to suggest to couples how to approach planning a threesome and since no two threesomes are the same it is impossible to write a piece on how to plan a threesome. This means for a couple reading this piece, this piece provides a suggest template for them and then from there they can modify it to fit their needs.

The Basics & Assumptions

By now the initial discussion has happened and there is, at some level, an agreement to explore how a potential threesome might operate. At this stage in this journey, there may be a flurry of emotion ranging from panic due to not knowing what to expect to excitement of seeing your partner having sex with someone else or excitement arising from being able to have sex with someone else. Nonetheless, tempering excitement occurs because the uncertainty that a threesome brings and the beginning realization that if the threesome turns bad then the relationship may end. Such a realization produces mixed feelings and uncertainty, in which taking some time to plan could possibly resolve.

Basics

Before getting into the heart of this article, it is important to explain some of the basics regarding planning a threesome. It is not meant to bore you. Instead it is meant to provide a common understanding before talking about planning a threesome and briefly discuss some of the underlying principles that exist. To begin with, before embarking on this activity the couple needs to make their decision based on the right reasons.  Planning a threesome in a very broad sense is an agreement that dictates how the threesome will operate, how the third person will be selected, and how potential issues will be addressed. It draws on each other’s limitations, each other’s expectations, each other’s concerns, each other’s desires and fuses them into a plan. Essentially, it provides a framework that the couple can use and it can provide a sense of security since it defines the limits. Second, the plan is something that is adaptable, meaning the plan is flexible so that it can change as more information becomes available. Third, the plan cannot be vague and it needs to have some detail to it. Level of detail needs to be at a level that there is no confusion about what has been agreed. Without having some detail to the plan the risk increases that a misunderstanding will occur. Fourth, it needs to cover the essential aspects of the threesome, the aspects of having a threesome that would create problems if it was not clarified.  Finally any plan must have participants that freely choose to participate without coercion, pressure, or manipulation. It also means that the couple has taken time to consider the risks, included in their plan ways to address the risks, and are nonetheless willing to take them.

360 ° Overview of Planning a Threesome

1)      Fantasy versus Reality and knowing the difference

Planning a threesome, in many ways, is like being a child in a toy store. There are so many options and decisions to make that can be overwhelming. At the start of the threesome journey many possibilities can be envisioned with many possible routes that knowing where to start is difficult. The overwhelming choices can sometimes lead to setting unrealistic expectations, overlooking potential risks, and wanting to do as much as possible in one session. By planning a threesome, it helps to bring out what is realistically attainable and discovering what is not attainable in the threesome. Learning this comes from communicating but it also comes from learning as much as they can about having a threesome. Finally, below are four examples of how this topic can influence planning a threesome.

Example: One example I can think of is the desire to perform DP on the female half of the couple. From a logistical standpoint DP can be very difficult to do and for males it can call into question their sexuality. For a couple just starting out not knowing their limits doing DP might not be the best choice and it may be something that requires a level of trust that needs to be built with the third person in order to allow it to happen.

Example #2: A couple may have a porn movie image of a threesome whereby it happens naturally and it is a completely erotic experience whereby guys have permanent erection that can hold off hours before they cum and women get instantly aroused when they see more than one erect “cock”.  However when they have it the find issues like awkwardness, not being able to move from having a conversation to actually having the threesome, premature ejaculation, performance anxiety, jealousy, and feeling bad after the threesome happens occurs. In this situation the fantasy of having a threesome can be very different than the reality of having a threesome. It is therefore important that anyone having a threesome comes to term with the fact that the fantasy of having a threesome can be very different than actually having a threesome.

Example #3: Reasons for having a threesome – Is it the right reason?

While writing this piece where to place was a big struggle for me and ultimately I decided to place here. My reason for placing it here with a title is because this topic falls under the definition of fantasy versus reality. In this sense the fantasy of having a threesome is rooted in the magical thinking that having a threesome is a panacea for all problems in a relationship while ignoring the problems that it can create for a relationship. Furthermore it challenges those planning a threesome to think about the reason for wanting to have a threesome before embarking on the journey to plan the threesome and while planning their threesome each individual should ask them what the reason for wanting to have a threesome is? If the reason is to prevent cheating, add spice to the relationship, feeling pressure to have one, to fix a troubled relationship, wanting to have one because it is a quick way to get “laid, it looks fun in the movies, or being coerced into having one then this author feels the reason to have a threesome may be wrong due to the reason for wanting to have a threesome is based more in fantasy thinking than the realties of having a threesome.

Example #4: Boundaries are not needed and told my partner they can do anything they want in the threesome because I want them to be able to experience a threesome without restrictions:

In this author’s opinion this belief is reminiscent of humanistic ideas like unconditional love. Granted in most cases a parent’s love is unconditional. Nonetheless what happens if the child announces they are gay or is arrested for selling drugs because they are a part of a gang. For some parents there is a limit, even temporary, to their unconditional love. Likewise when it comes to planning a threesome there needs to be some discussion, especially if you are starting out. To say there are no boundaries says, in this author’s opinion, that having a threesome takes priority  quite magical thinking for someone starting out and it demonstrates the lack of understanding of what is involved in a threesome. It ignores that everyone has a limit and this author feels it demonstrates that there is a lack of communication that exists with the couple.

2)      What will a threesome mean for the relationship?

For a couple wanting to have a threesome, maintaining the relationship after the threesome happens and minimizing the negative impact of the threesome is a goal for any threesome. This means asking the questions will help a couple begin to identify areas that they need to examine and it is a question that needs to be asked regularly, as they plan their threesome. By asking this question on a regular basis and asking it as it relates to each part of their plan it can to help identify those areas that may cause problems if not addressed in more detail. Plus by asking this question it will help ensure that both continue wanting to have a threesome and that both are willing to undertake the risk, thereby helping to ensure that this is a mutual decision.

3)      Boundaries

Talking about boundaries, for some, can be depressing because it means this discussion will slow down the rapid pace to have a threesome and by talking about boundaries, acknowledges that a threesome has risks. It is important to remember that boundaries act as a safety net by defining the limits of the threesome, address concerns in order to allow a threesome to happen, and even though there may be some implied boundaries, such as ‘no means no’, boundaries for the most part are unique to a couple. Also it is important to remember, agreeing to boundaries is only ½ of the process the other half involves stating your boundaries to the third person.  Nonetheless the discussion about boundaries is a necessary conversation that must be agreed before the threesome can happen.

The starting point for the discussion lies in the recognition that having a threesome is a mutual decision in which all share an equal responsibility for it happening. This means that each person is responsible for their decisions, they are responsible for what happens to them, and they are responsible for their feelings. In a two male threesome the invited male can share their expectations / boundaries but with the couple having a plethora choices for potential male invites, if he gets to be too pushy then the couple can easily choose someone else. Unfortunately when it comes to a two woman situation the couple needs to be open about negotiating their boundaries if they want to make it happen and if they do not then they may find that they have a long search. This does not mean that a couple should give up a “must have” boundary for a two female threesome but instead it means they need to understand the less they are willing to negotiate on boundaries then the longer it may take them.

4)      Activities in a threesome

Determining what activities can occur in a threesome sounds a lot like planning a trip to a distant country. It starts out with a list of everything you want to do and see, thereby building excitement. However,  the tempering of the excitement occurs when realizing there are competing demands such as personal comfort limits and time. This means in order for threesome to work individuals needs to be in tune with their limits, be able to discuss them openly, and being willing to listen to other people’s limits. In addition, it means there is no magical formula on splitting attention between two other people, what needs to occur, or what does not occur in a threesome.

With that said, the best advice for couples that are just beginning exploring threesomes is to keep it simple and not to push their limits. After having a few threesomes a couple will get beyond the thrill of having one and begin to understand where their limits currently exist. If they push their limits too much the individual may find that they are left feeling bad about the experience or may burnout too quickly. For couples who are want to progress slowly or not 100% sure that having a full threesome is for them then they may want to consider a “soft-swing” situation where the invited person participates but no intercourse happens between the couple and the invited third person.

5)      Selecting a third person

It is important that the couple begins discussing the type of person that they want to invite and understand, a bit, of the reasoning for it. Talking about the type of person to invite and agreeing to the broad characteristics that the person needs will serve as a template from which the couple will make their decision and it will serve as a boundary from which they will not exceed.  Without including the discussion of what type of person to invite it leaves open the possibility that the wrong person may be selected and by talking about the type of person to invite it reduces the chance that the wrong decisions regarding selection will be made.

Also, before reaching this point or once they reach this point, the couple discusses how they will go about selecting the third person. This means there is a division of labor. For example, if they are using an ad on a web site to find a third person they review the replies together a make a decision together. Likewise it could mean one of them filters through the replies and then passes them to their partner who then chooses. Whatever method they choose, the method selected is transparent and both are involved in the selection process.

6)      Safe word or Signals

Safe word means a word that they couple recognizes but the selected third person does not recognize. Unlike the term safe word when used in a BDSM context to mean a word that cannot be confused with the scene that brings the action to a stop without question or retribution due to a level discomfort. In this situation, a safe word is a word where the couple knows the meaning and the meaning is meant to be a signal. Likewise, instead of using a word to signal something the couple could opt to use a gesture or a behavior to serve the same purpose. The signal could be approval, disapproval, or anything else the couple feels as though they need to communicate to each other. Problem here is if too many words are being used, complex signals, or too many signs then it can create confusion. Therefore it is best to have a very limited number of words or signals.

7)      To accommodate, not to accommodate, or travel?

The idea of accommodating someone or traveling to have a threesome can invoke different feelings. It can seem natural for some as an extension of being social in order to have a threesome and for others it can invoke a strong reaction of saying ‘no.’ Furthermore, for couples that live in rural areas or are struggling to find a third person to invite this maybe the only solution, other than waiting longer to find someone. Accommodating takes on different meaning for different people and each couple has their own feeling on this subject. In this article, accommodating means having the invited individual spend the night with the couple at their request at either their home or staying in the same hotel room. Whereas travelling refers to traveling a significant distance, greater than 50 miles in order to meet.

The starting point for consideration this author feels is examining the distance traveled to meet, the time expected for the threesome to end, and time demands on all participants immediately after the threesome. Consider such issues include does one of them have to work shortly after the threesome. Will there be guests or children coming to visit? What time the threesome might end or did end?

Another point to consider is what space is available and where they would stay. A logical conclusion would be that they would stay in the bed with the couple. However, the couple may want time afterward to connect, reinforce the idea that they are a couple or that they want to keep an emotional distance from the invited third person. In such a case then having them stay in the bed afterwards is not a good idea. This brings up the idea of having them stay in another bedroom, hotel room, or if sharing a hotel room then having them sleep in a separate bed. Final point would be other ancillary issues like how long would they stay, how would it be signaled that it was time for them to leave, and what items would be available for them to use.

Finally, at least from this author’s perspective accommodating should not occur especially if the invited third person lives either in the same town or within a short-distance, such as 50 miles. Regarding traveling, traveling needs to be done by the invited person unless the distance is great or they do not drive. In a situation where there is a large distance between the couple and the third person then finding somewhere about halfway that is agreeable to both should occur. Additionally this author feels that accommodating is something that should not necessarily be done by couples just starting out because it can pose some issues for them, such as developing feelings for the invited third person.

7) Risks

In a previous article this author addressed the topic of risk and will not restate it. Instead this section will briefly discuss how risk and boundaries relate. It goes without saying that having a threesome, regardless of how well it is planned out or how stable a couple’s relationship is, will undertake some type of risk. This risk can be pregnancy, risk to safety, risk of STD / STI, or risk to their relationship to name a few. Since each couple and each threesome is different it is impossible to develop a universal set of risks for a threesome and how to address them. Instead each couple needs to communicate what they feel are the risks, how they can be address and how they can be either eliminated or significantly reduced. From those discussions the couple can have a plan on how to deal with risks that come up and how to address risk as they happen. This type of communication will underpin and shape how the boundaries develop. Without taking time to discuss risk and understand the type of risks that will be faced leaves, this author feels, the couple vulnerable due to a large area this is missing from the discussion.

8) Writing down the plan or remember it?

Granted the idea of writing down the plan for a threesome, outstanding issues, and points that need to be followed up reads as though the last few pieces of enjoying a threesome is being sucked out. However writing it down helps to avoid confusion, ensures that outstanding points gets addressed and everyone can remember what has been discussed. At least from this author’s perspective writing down the plan and making notes about what has been discussed will help to ensure that everyone is “on the same page” regarding the threesome.

9) Debriefing

Debriefing is simply talking through the experience in order to work through any issues, to address any concerns, review the plan, make any changes, and decide the next step for the couple. Essentially debriefing is the final step in which the couple try to resolve any issues that may have come up, decide what worked, and decide what their next step will be. It is important, this author feels, that debriefing happens right after the threesome ends and as a part of the plan the couple needs to consider how close to the ending of the threesome this will occur.

10) Environment

The environment of where a threesome happens is something that can easily get overlooked and where the threesome occurs can have a big impact on its enjoyment. Without having an area where you can have it without being distracted, without being interrupted, and being a place where you feel secure, it will mean that the threesome is not as enjoyable as you expected.  For a couple with children it means that any threesome should not happen in the home when they are there. Beyond the potential safety issue and potential awkwardness it may create for you should your child begin to ask questions, the other issue is that children can become a distraction especially if they are desiring your attention while the third person is present for the threesome.

Along with the logistical concerns other facts such as lighting, color, comfort, and the mood that the room sets all can play a factor. This means taking time to consider issues like temperature and how the room makes you feel.  Another consideration is where it will be happening. This means taking into consideration what is being planned, the size of the area, the size of the bed(s), and any other features that may need to be considered. The area has to be large enough to allow three people to change, interact, clean-up, and have a bit of personal space. Also it means the area has to be large enough so that everyone is not fumbling over the others.

11) Miscellaneous Topics

If you have made it this far, we are almost done with this subject but there are a few loose ends that need to be tied together. One loose end is the question, how long do you need to plan? Each couple is different with different needs, different concerns, and varying levels of familiarity with each other. Planning can be fairly quick if there is broad agreement and the only thing that is needed is clarifying a few points. However if each person has a different idea about how the threesome will look then it may take some time before a common understanding that leads to agreement will occur.

Second loose end is how often does this plan need to be reviewed? Again it depends on the couple and the level of detail. At a minimum there should be three points. One point is before discussing the plan, whereby each individual states their preference. Then work out the plan keep track of what has been agreed and before the threesome happens taking the plan out to go through it in order to see if it is workable based on what has been discussed. Third point would be after having a threesome then reviewing to see what worked and what needs to be improved.

Third loose end regards the level of detail that is needed. Detail helps to minimize any misunderstanding and cuts down on possible confusion. However it is possible to get too fixated on the details where the plan becomes unmanageable and difficult to understand. Therefore there has to be a balance between detail and simplicity.

Fourth before looking for a third person does the plan need to be completed? Answer is ‘no’ but a framework should be in place. At a minimum some boundaries and the type of person to choose should be agreed before any searching happens. Plus as things become more certain then the plan can be modified to reflect any changes.

Fifth is there anytime when the plan should not be changed? This author feels the closer you get meeting the third person for a threesome the plan should not be changed unless it relates to safety or a risk that could have a negative impact.  Reason for stating this is because emotions, not logic, may begin to influence decisions and the wrong decision may be made. However if there is a safety issue or a risk was indentified that could cause problems if it did happen then that should not stop the change from being made.  If it does not relate to risk or safety then in most cases it should be left until debriefing to discuss.

Conclusion & Putting Plan into Action

Planning for a threesome means examining the planned threesome from all possible angles to determine its strengths, it weaknesses, and how to address the needs of those involved. By having, a plan that can be easily adapted to any change will help make a threesome successful. In addition, it means having a plan that is easy to understand will minimize any possible confusion about the plan for the threesome. This means a workable plan will provide a framework for the threesome and help everyone understand the expectations. Nonetheless it will not eliminate all risk of having a threesome nor will it guarantee that there will not be any problems. However it will go a long way to help to protect the relationship and help minimize any problems that may happen. Without a plan that will guide the couple on their journey it will leave them in the dark about each other’s needs and concerns thereby increasing the chance for misunderstanding. Therefore, a plan can be said is a way for the couple to ensure their needs are met and minimize the chance that it will be misunderstood.