Up to now the topics regarding threesomes has looked at a threesome from various perspectives while alluding to safety. Considering safety does not mean taking the fun out of having a threesome; instead it means creating an environment where everyone feels they are able to enjoy themselves because they do not have to worry about potential injury. This means safety is an intangible aspect of having a threesome that underpins much of the process and requires consideration of many intrinsic factors. Without planning for safety it may mean an essential part of having a threesome is being overlooked and may put the couple’s relationship, physical safety, and sexual health at risk. Finally is important to remember this is not an exhaustive treaty on the subject and it is done as a brief overview in order to give couples a foundation for further discussions as they plan their threesome.
This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone’s health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning “toys” before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk.
Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic.
Stating point regarding personal safety is our “inner voice.” All of us have an “inner voice” that tells us if something is not right. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that “inner voice.” Most likely the “inner voice” is warning you about a risk to your personal safety.
Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to “get in the mood” they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the “heat of the moment” only to regret it later.
Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety.
Meeting the Third Person
Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planning for safety.
The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape.
Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons.
After the initial contact with the third person and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop to allow a threesome to happen the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but my feeling is for someone starting out the first meeting should be a “meet & greet” in a public place. This means the first meeting no sex occurs and the purpose of the meeting is find out if the person is compatible with the two of you. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with.
Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable.
Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it.
So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome.
This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable.
- How not to offend the third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Where do negative feelings after a threesome come from & how to address them (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Having an uncomplicated threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs – Finding a third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Problems with quid pro quo as a negotiating position for threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Questions regarding overcoming resistance to threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome myths (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Couple’s Cuckolding and the ‘what’ scenario (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Having the initial discussion (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Why some couples choose full threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)