First time? 10 things I should I expect


threesome experienceFirst time drawing near?

Having your first threesome is a lot like riding a bike for the first time without training wheels or your first kiss. It is is a lasting experience that will create a lasting impression. So, the question that is probably lurking, what should I expect from my first threesome?

Unlike twenty years ago or even a few years ago having a threesome is more accepted. However a lot of unbiased information does not exist. Too often talk shows, news, and even friends present a myopic image of the experience. There are a lot of reasons as to why this occurs, such as money, a point to be made, or to attract viewers. Whatever the reason, the experience gets missed in favor of glamorizing it.

1) Reality of having a threesome or cuckold is not like porn, television, or the movies.

Having a threesome experience or cuckold experience involves real people and real feelings with real consequences. Once you begin the process of exploring the idea your relationship will forever change. Expect to feel a variety of emotions, thoughts and feelings over a period of time. It is easy to react to them but do not. Allow a significant amount of time to pass and talk about your feelings before making any decision that may have long reaching consequences. Remember this reality and there is no magical way to reverse time to a point before having the experience.

2) Performance anxiety happens

Expectations can be built up  leading to stress that can lead to performance related issues. Performance anxiety shows up in many different ways:

Men:

  • In ability to become erect or maintain an erection
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Hesitation or reluctance
  • Nervousness, anxiety, withdrawing, or emotional

Women:

  • Lack of response
  • Unable to lubricate or maintain being wet
  • Emotional and / or withdrawing

Best way to minimize the effect of performance related issues is to limit expectations, keep realistic expectations, and communicate about issues as they occur.

3) Change

Everyday we learn something new, we grow from our experience and it is foolish to believe we do not change. By having a threesome, you will be introducing a lot of change to the relationship in a very short amount of time. Some change will occur very rapid. Changes that are likely to occur include:

  • As a couple the way you communicate
  • Attitude towards each other
  • How you view and relate to your spouse / partner
  • Beliefs towards relationships, marriage, and life
  • Feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

It is important to remember wanting a threesome or cuckold is a life changing experience that will have far-reaching effects. Therefore, it is important to be cautious and to remember your spouse / partner are also going through a similar experience even though they may not be showing the behaviors.

4) Different Starting and ending points

Having a threesome in some ways is like a sprint. Everyone starts at difference places but ends at the point. In a journey to have a threesome, everyone begins their journey with preconceived ideas based on beliefs and experiences. Once the journey begins and the idea of swinging is explored the idea becomes more tangible. This can lead to changes whereby the individual who initially brought-up the idea may become more calculating because the idea is no longer pure fantasy and an element of reality is entering. Likewise someone who may be reluctant and starts understanding the possibilities may become eager. It is therefore possible each person who begins this journey may find they undergo a transformation.

5) The third person

Swinging can have a far reaching effect on the individual and the relationship. Choosing the right third person is paramount in ensuring continuity, before and after the experience, and preserving the relationship. Also choosing the right third person can enhance the experience and make it a very caring experiencing

So, how do you find the right third person? The is a temptation, when starting out, to choose a friend or a co-worker. On the surface the choice appears logical. However choosing someone well known brings its own set of issues. Whilst it is impossible to speculate on every possible scenario, one thing is clear sometimes choosing someone that is unknown can be a better choice.

There is no guarantee any route you choose to find a third person will work. The best route, I believe, is method that uses all of the tools available to you. This includes using online sites asking questions and meeting the individual before any activity happens. It does not have to be a several month process of asking in depth questions and developing a close friendship. Instead it can be relatively brief to develop trust and feel confident the third person has your best interest at heart.

6) Nothing can be prepare you for the night

The day finally arrives. A mixture of feelings happen. Anxiety, fear, and the elation only to find the need to remain calm. Then a few hours before meeting the third person trying on several pieces of clothing happens and getting your hair just right. She looks beautiful and you begin looking at it as a night that will be remembered.

After a bit of socializing the discussion turns to sex. At first a few jokes get made, then the discussion becomes a bit more serious before discovering you have reached the point of no return. Everybody heads to the bedroom she undresses before laying on the bed. Soon everyone is naked and for a few minutes it is a very erotic experience.

Soon kissing, touching, and intimacy begins. All of the discussion and preparation culminates into this experience. There is a feeling of surrealism that fills the room. At first you soak in the experience but soon your beliefs begin to become challenged. It is almost as though something has overtaken your body. Your responses feel as though it is someone else in control. In some ways it is liberating because this is a feeling that has never been experienced and other ways it is frightening since it is easy to lose control.

Soon he enters your wife and a flood of emotions hit. Now there is no turning back and your relationship has forever been changed. She lays there, appearing to enjoy it. Her reaction makes you frightened and shatters everything you know of her.

7) Did it happen?

Having a threesome means accepting change will occur. After the threesome expect a lot of change to happen. Expect as the thrill wears off that there may be feelings of mourning, anger, and feelings of distance. This is normal. A lot has happened prior, during, and after the threesome. Now it is time for your mind to work through all of it.

During this time it is important to discuss feelings and the experience. This means do not shut your spouse out but use them as a resource. Having a threesome can be a powerful force that brings couples together if they are willing to work together instead of driving them away.

8) We will have another threesome?

It is good that you consider the idea and think about your experience. Most couples who have threesomes do not live a threesome lifestyle. Instead they may have an occasional, maybe a few in their relationship, and maybe they will only have one. The answer to that question depends on time and on the experience.

9) No one will know

After having a threesome it is possible to feel that everyone knows your secret. Most likely the only ones who know are the third person, your spouse, and you. It is unlikely others will know unless you were in public, you are well known, or you are upfront about having threesomes. In most situations, people are too afraid to ask or by ‘outting‘ they are also telling on themselves. This means in many circumstances no one will know unless you tell them.

10) Long-term implications

It is impossible to know the outcome when you begin your journey. If you approach having a threesome with love, trust, and caring for the participants then it is realistic to expect a positive outcome. Even if the initial experience is bad, in time, you may find the experience was beneficial or positive. Regardless of your initial feelings a threesome that has gone will can increase happiness, satisfaction, and communication in a relationship.

Other Articles of Interest:

10 Questions about Threesomes you were afraid to ask

Easing into a threesome

Threesome planning

Suggesting a threesome, what does it mean?

How to suggest a threesome

Threesome Terminology

Watching my wife having sex with someone else

Threesome positions

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How do they have sex?


Another well written article by Janes Illustrated Erotic Sex Blog that is definitely worth the time to read.  In this article she provides her experience of being a BBW and what works.

How do they have sex?.

Print this out for him


A great author and blog that is offers a lot detail on cunnilingus. It is applicable to a couple or a threesome. I believe this is a must read for anyone looking to take their foreplay to the next level.

Print this out for him.

via Print this out for him.

FAQs regarding soft-swinging


masturbation b

What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

Questions for a couple to ask the third person


English: A schematic showing the polygamy rela...How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1)  What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b)  How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

7)   What is your preferred position to have sex?

8)  Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?

9)  What is your expectation of us?

10) Any questions for us?

MFM questions for a couple


Drawing by Francesco Hayez. Español: Dibujo de...Potential questions for a single male to ask a couple

The power of a mfm threesome relationship resides with the couple, since they have a choice of many men they can invite. This means they can reject the male they are communicating with and choose another.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Reality is asking questions ensures the single male the couple is a good fit for them, it shows the couple he respects their relationship, and by asking the appropriate questions will reduce the chance the single male will be a part of any relationship drama.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the couple. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the single male regarding questions to ask the couple and couples an idea of the information they should be communicating to the single male. The questions are listed from easier questions to ask, from this author’s perspective, to asking the socially difficult questions.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1) Have you had a threesome before? IF the couple states ‘Yes’  then follow-up with

a.   If so, how did each you feel about it?

b.  How did it impact your relationship?

2)  What is the reason for the two of you wanting this threesome?

3)  How did the two of you reach the decision to have a threesome?

4)  What are your boundaries? IF the answer is we have ‘none’ or it is vague then asks as a follow-up?

a.  Is kissing acceptable?

b.  Is anal sex a possibility?

c.  Will you be performing oral sex?

d.  Can I ejaculate in your mouth?

e.  Bareback or condom?

f. Feelings on male on male activity?

g. Any other questions in order to define acceptable boundaries

5)  Where do you want me to cum?

6)  Will your partner be participating or watching?

7)  Will this be a one-off or are you looking at meeting again? Alternatively you can ask, “would bringing in another girl in the future be on the table?”

8)  What do you not like?

9) What do you enjoy?

If the answer is vague or ‘anything’ then potential follow-up questions, provided they it is something that they have not stated    they do not like in the previous question.

a.  Do you enjoy being fingered?

b.  Anus being played with?

c.  Being eaten out?

d.  Do you enjoy your nipples being sucked?

e.  What positions do you enjoy

f.  DP

10) Who do you want to have sex with first?

Defining cheating


As children we saw a cheater as someone who broke the rules to win and learnt sex outside of marriage was wrong. Then as an adult we saw a cheater as someone who significantly benefited when they skirted their moral, though not necessarily a legal obligations. However, as we became adults the black and white definition of cheating became diffuser. No longer was cheating black and white as it was when we were children. As we became older and started dating we learned cheating was not a religious issue, it was not a moral issue, but an issue based on definition. We learned cheating was based on applying the context of the situation to our beliefs.

If you were to ask a 100 people what is cheating in a relationship you will receive 100 different answers. This means there is no universal or widely accepted answer for cheating. Instead cheating comes down to the couple’s definition and their boundaries.  For this article cheating means intentionally or recklessly violating the agreed or implied boundaries.

Boundaries for this discussion means, the implied and agreed limits of behavior. This means boundaries become established through repeated interaction and communication. By having established boundaries, it serves as the foundation for the defining cheating and if the boundary is violated then cheating has occurred. This brings up the question what is an intentional violation versus an unintentional violation? Intentional means a knowing or reckless disregard for the boundary.  An example is:

Couple A, Joe & Mary, set a boundary for a threesome that it will be soft-swinging with no vaginal penetration. The threesome occurs and in the heat of the moment Mary allows vaginal penetration. Does this mean cheating has occurred?

The starting point here is the boundary, of no vaginal penetration, and from Mary’s action her behavior clearly violated the boundary. However, without more information, it is possible the boundary may have been an unrealistic boundary that would have been broken.

An unrealistic boundary means the boundary would have been broken because maintaining the boundary would not be possible. It is possible, in this scenario, the couple did not consider the impact of arousal on decision making and Mary allowed penetration to occur because she thought Joe would enjoy it, based on his responses during the soft-swinging experience and Mary thought it was impractical to stop the threesome so that she could speak to Joe about it. Does this mean Mary has cheated?

The above scenario highlights an important aspect of boundaries and the definition of cheating, intention. Using the above fictitious couple lets assume they have another threesome and set another boundary for a full threesome, oral sex is acceptable provided the male does not cum in Mary’s mouth. Nonetheless, during their threesome the male cums in Mary’s mouth, does this mean Mary has cheated?

On the surface it appears that Mary has cheated but there are two questions that need to be answered. First, was the male a quick ejaculater? Meaning, he came too fast to allow her to react and essentially this was an unnecessary boundary. Second what knowledge did Mary have about him being ready to cum and did she have sufficient warning to prevent him from cumming in her mouth? In this author’s opinion the above scenario may mean there was no cheating because there was not intention.

What does this all mean? It means cheating is defined by  established boundaries but it is dependent on the context of the actions of the individual. It is possible that a boundary is violated but no cheating did not occur since the individual’s behavior did not show they intended to cheat. Therefore, in planning a threesome it is necessary to consider the boundary and then consider how realistic that it will be followed in the planned threesome. Without taking the time to consider the impact of a boundary it may lead a couple to put in place boundaries that may make sense but are not practical thereby creating unnecessary conflict in their relationship.