Successful threesomes do not just happen. They are the result of communication, a stable relationship, and time together as a couple. Does this mean that every couple that has a stable relationship, good communication, and have been together for several years are guaranteed a successful threesome? No, threesomes fail for a variety of reasons including good planning and so no couple should never feel that there is a guaranteed formula for a successful.
This article will explore some of the necessary ingredients and also explore some of the more common reasons as to why threesomes do not work. This article will look at relationships, third person choice, communication, and then finally at some of the more common reasons about why a threesome may fail.
What is necessary in a relationship for a threesome to work? To begin with the couple needs some ‘history’ together. This means that they have worked through some issues and gone through some stressful times together. By having these experiences they begin to develop a coping mechanism that allows them to discuss other challenges in the future. Typically a couple should be together a minimum of two years and preferably five years before considering having a threesome.
Another issue for couples considering having a threesome is the decision to have threesomes needs to be an egalitarian, decision equally made by both, in regards to having a threesome. This means that using pressure, manipulation, bargaining, or any other method to coerce an agreement to have a threesome will almost certainly make sure issues at a later date. Also this includes the reason for having a threesome. If there are feelings that a spouse will cheat if a threesome does not occur, that they will leave, or any other similar reasons then the couple should consider not having a threesome until these issues are resolved.
For a couple timing does become a consideration. If the couple has just met, recently married, gone through a major life stress, going through a major life stress, expect that they will be going through a major life stress then a couple does not have a threesome during this time. Major life events are those events that define a milestone in someone’s life. For each person and couple they are different; however they include issues such as:
- Major illness
- Loss of a job
- Birth of a child
- Death of a close family member (e.g. child, parent, sibling)
- Change in job or promotion
- Debt or bankruptcy
Finally the couple needs to have developed a bond. This bond needs to be one that is special and unique. Each person needs to see the other as their life partner or soul mate. It is difficult to put into the words the unique bond that is needed. If the couple has not achieved the unique bond then taking some time to develop their relationship would be worth considering. Developing the relationship does not need therapy but taking time together. While they take time to spend together they use it to learn more about each other, develop their communication, and feel committed to one another.
Communication is an involved subject and much of it is beyond the scope of this article. This article will focus on the communication necessary for deciding on having a threesome. Essentially communicating about having a threesome involves three areas: discussion of the subject, boundaries, continued communication after the threesome. It also means that the communication in the relationship is at a point where each person can talk to the other without the fear of conflict, ridicule, or abandonment. It means that even though the other person may not agree with what is being said there is enough ‘respect’ in the relationship that allows the information to be communicated without fear.
Discussion of the subject
This area involves talking about all areas that relate, directly or indirectly, to having a threesome that occurs outside of the bedroom. It involves, but not limited to, talking about what ifs, scenarios, planning the threesome, and the type of person the two of you would invite. The discussions occur over a period sometimes weeks, years, and sometimes it resolves itself where no threesome happens. Anyhow the discussions have an aim of making an egalitarian decision about if the couple will have a threesome and if it does happen how it will be structured.
Boundaries do form a part of the discussion of the subject but are so important that they actually become a separate discussion. There are two components to discussing boundaries: relationship boundaries and threesome boundaries. Relationship boundaries regard how the relationship will run during the time the couple is active in having threesomes and how the couple will handle their threesome experience once the decision is made not to have anymore threesomes. While the threesome boundaries address the issues of the limits for the threesome. Since each couple is unique along with their own unique requirements there are no set boundaries. Instead the couples need to discuss and negotiate their boundaries.
One member of a couple may have a threesome out of fear of loosing their partner. Once they go through with it they have a lot of feelings such as guilt, anger, and disappointment. A lot of times they may have problems communicating to their partner that they did not like the threesome and this allows further problems to grow within the relationship until the relationship ends.
Communication after the threesome – debriefing
Once the threesome ends it does not mean that communication ends too. Instead it means that the couple continues to talk about their experiences and feelings about the threesome as long as necessary. Ideally after each threesome the couple has they should, as soon possible, talk about the experience including any feelings that it may have brought up.
Third Person Selection
For some couples they do not put any effort into it by choosing someone they know who they feel is a safe choice. However this can have some very devastating consequences for the couple.
As the couple talks about the type of threesome they want they need to include discussing the type of person they would invite and the type of person they would not invite. This means each couple takes the time work through who would meet their needs. The rest of this discussion will focus on issues surrounding third person selection.
No need to discuss when the time feels right
One fallacy, a couple may believe is, there is no need to discuss having a threesome and they will know when it feels rights. For most couples this is a major mistake. Reason being, the couple has acted impulsively and have not thought through all the potential issues thereby leaving themselves vulnerable to potential issues.
Choosing friends and co-workers
Friendships are put at risk when the subject of having a threesome comes up. Granted you may hear the odd story where a friend was more than willing to take part in a threesome with a couple. However the reality of the story 99% of the time the friend will not be receptive to the idea and even if they are receptive there are added risks that they bring that a ‘stranger’ would not bring. So it is very important that if you are considering asking a friend that the decision is weighed heavily against loosing them as a friend and loosing your partner too.
As for co-workers there are so many issues this author does not know where to begin. To begin with if there is a supervisory relationship or even the slightest remote possibility that at some point in the distant future that it may be a supervisory relationship then avoid it at all costs. Reason being too much of a risk for complaints about sexual harassment, unfair working practices, hostile work environment, and a host of other complaints could be filed. Which means your personal life now becomes the focus of internal investigation and an investigation by several governmental agencies.
Another reason for avoiding a co-worker is risk of exposure. Yes, they may not say anything now. However what will happen if they say no or worse yet, what will happen in the future especially when it goes sour? The last thing you want is to be the subject of gossip mill at work or begin to get the reputation that you are ‘easy’.
Finally the risk for exposure can diminish any career prospects for you when you leave your role. It is better to play it safe by keeping work and your personal life separate than trying to mix the two.
A successful threesome does not just happen. Instead it involves communication, choosing the right person, and being together long enough to have developed a strategy for dealing with issues. Without taking the time to plan and discuss the idea, a threesome poses a risk to a couple’s relationship.