Normally, when I reblog an article it is a well written article regarding threesomes. This is a very well written article that talks about sex and its myths. It is well worth your time to read.
Before writing this article I struggled if I should write and if I did, how. Ultimately I decided to write this. The reason for writing this article is to provide an experience to show, having a threesome is not a linear process but a multidimensional process that happens over time. In essence I wanted to share a bit of myself in order to provide some meaning to my writing along with showing not all threesomes play out like they are shown in the media.
My philosophy regarding threesomes tends to be systems, behavioral, or existential. This means I look for a simpler explanation thereby conflicting a lot with Freud. The reason why I choose to compare my philosophy with Freud instead of Jung, Adler, Maslow, Skinner or Beck is due to a lot of bloggers tend to explain threesome / cuckolding behavior in reference to Freudian theory. The other reason for comparing my philosophy to Freud, I believe a lot of Freud’s work has been misinterpreted in today’s society.
As a author, I tend to discount a lot of what Freud has to say because I feel Freud’s theory is unnecessarily over-complicated and based on observations, not controlled research. Granted he lived at time when scientific principles were still in their infancy thereby forcing Freud to be more philosophical and rely on observation rather than scientific principles. Another reason his theory is overly complicated I believe, is because he lived as a Jew in Europe during WWI and it escaped Nazi Germany to live his remaining years in the US. Essentially he faced a lot of anti-Semitism that impacted his theory, especially his later works. Another reason I believe his theory is overly-complicated is due to his work. His work is based on observations, not scientific principles.
Nonetheless there is one aspect of Freudian theory that I do hold dear to me. That aspect, to bring out the underlying issue the individual should be detached and free of judgement, in essence a “sounding board.” A lot of my writing uses that approach since, I want people to arrive at their own decisions about threesomes without being heavily influenced by my world view. Granted, I use my world view to help me frame my writing but I do my best to keep a balanced perspective.
My Threesome Experience & Current Journey
The experience I have with threesomes comes variety of sources including experiences with my wife, experiences prior to her, and a bit of her threesome experience before meeting me. During a phase in our relationships we were into having threesomes but after a while we pulled back from it. I think a part of it had to do with the novelty of the situation, our previous experiences with threesomes and the stage we were at with our lives. After we pulled back from having threesomes, we moved. Our move had nothing to do with threesomes but instead it was due us wanting to move out of the rural mid-west. As the result of the move, it lowered the priority of having a threesome because we were on our own and had to rely on each other. A few years after our move there were times when we would court the idea of having a threesome and we would take get close finding a third person. Then each time we would make plans she would pull back.
After having major surgery and starting hormone replacement therapy my wife starts the discussion of having a threesome and begins talking about, as it is called on this site, couple’s cuckolding. We have done this previously with a good result and it is something we would like to do again. This discussion is for the time being, become more realistic and has surpassed the threesome discussion. Unlike the other times where the idea is abstract, this time we have started discussing boundaries, risks, when she would have time available; and what ifs. Plus she has started looking with offers from both couples for fmf threesome and single males. She has stated she is not sure if she could be with another woman but the idea tempts her. For some reason I view fmf threesome offer as less risky than the offers from single males. Nothing has happened, yet and she has stated she is not sure if she wants to go through with it. Nonetheless we continue to talk and discuss.
In the few months since my last post, she has asked about attending a swingers club, what it would be like, and if any are nearby. She also asked about what would she do if anyone knew her, would she be expected to participate, and would she be safe.
I have told her there is one a less than 2 miles from our house. Also, I told her not to expect people to rush up to you and that you have to be sociable. Regarding what it would be like, I explained to her that you would need to be ready to say no and no meant no at the club. Then I told her that you do not have to participate if you do not want to and you can just mingle. Finally I told her not to worry if anyone knew you because what would they say to you, “I saw you at a swingers club?” If they did, I told her, then it would imply they were there too and I told her, I do not believe someone would risk exposing their private life in public.
She told me the idea of me fucking her with another guy turned her on and the whole idea turned her on too. The conversation ended and I emailed her the link to the club for her information.
Since then she has been quiet on the subject and I have not pushed. A few days ago we were sexting and the conversation turned back to couple’s cuckolding. She asked if I thought she would like it and I said, ‘yes.’ I told her doing something taboo and being desired by someone else would be a major turn-on for her. At that point the conversation ended.
On a different point she is asking me to post photos of her on an amateur site in various states of being undressed and does take requests, within reason, for various poses. She tells me it is a bit of a turn on for her because she likes feeling desirable and it gets her aroused. She tells me it has helped her with how she views herself and does not see herself as being fat anymore. When I ask her if she has any interest in meeting anyone from the site she tells me she does not have an interest in meeting anyone from the site, which is fine.
Nothing new to report as we have been busy with work and family.
We keep on discussing going to the nearby swingers club but it does not come to fruition.
She made an interesting comment that I am taking more as joke but it did seem to have a bit of a serious element to it. My wife, suggested that I post on this site that she is interested in having a threesome with someone that is well endowed.
Nothing, has yet come to fruition. Nonetheless there appears to be a few open channels for exploration. She has opened up about wanting someone to ‘finger her’ while she is wearing her skirt. Also she talks about wanting to someone ‘fuck her.’ Talking about having a threesome is done very openly and non-judgmental indicating she has not completely discounted the possibility. At the moment it is all talk but in the past we have had our threesome experiences. So, I am not going to say it will not happen because only time will tell.
Does this mean it will happen? Not necessarily but it is possible. I think she is exploring the idea and thinking about the risks. Since she appears to be exploring two possible routes, I believe, she is more set on the couple’s cuckolding idea than a threesome. The decision for the ‘Couples Cuckolding’ is her decision provided we can agree on boundaries.
Does anyone know how to move to the next step?
- Why we should not always believe what we read about threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- We All Follow a Different Path (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome and bisexuality (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome communication for couples (3somes.wordpress.com)
- George’s & Melissa’s Threesome Adventure – Chapter 5 (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Your local librarian or pastor may be into threesomes without you ever knowing (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Canadian study on sex and threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Sex With Three People (wifewantsthreesome.wordpress.com)
- Threesomes (universitysexdiaries.wordpress.com)
What relationship characteristics can mean a successful threesome is possible?
If someone asks me, what needs to be present in a relationship in order to have a successful threesome? My response will be planning and having the needed characteristics. Anyone can plan a threesome but having the needed characteristics helps. Characteristics mean those intangible qualities the couple has that can help them in having a successful threesome. It goes without saying there are two parts to a couple, each individual and how each individual interacts with the other that allows them to function as a couple. For this discussion the focus will be on the latter.
Characteristic #1: Gregarious
It is my feeling the couple needs to have at least six characteristics and the first one being gregarious. This means the couple is extroverted or sociable. Without being gregarious a couple may find they miss certain cues, may find it is difficult to attract a third person and it may mean they find themselves in situations that they would prefer did not occur. Also they may find, with the third person that they hit resistance since they lack the social skills to more things forward and lack the awareness of certain cues being present. This may cause the couple to worry about if they are going to offend the third person and may cause them to be overly cautious in their approach. With that said, it does not mean a couple that is not extroverted cannot have a threesome but it does mean, without the necessary social skills building the necessary rapport with the third person is difficult thereby leading to frustration in their journey to have a threesome.
Characteristic #2: Effective Communicators
Next characteristic is effective communication. All of us claim to be good communicators but being good does not mean being effective. Effective communication means being able to communicate your needs, having those needs understood and then being able to have those needs met. This means being able to meet your needs without using threats, coercion, or manipulation. Instead it means talking about needs, negotiating to meet them and if a misunderstanding develops then talking through the issue in order to find a solution.
Normally this involves trusting the other individual and having mutual respect for each other. By having effective communication it means each individual in the relationship will have their needs met. However, without effective communication a threesome may leave some feeling hurt, angry, or frustrated due to the lack of communication.
Characteristic #3: Teamwork
Third characteristic is a couple who approaches having a threesome as a team endeavor. Simply put, it is a couple who shares the responsibility for planning the threesome and discusses it. They communicate with each other about their progress, support each other, and discuss issues as they occur. Essentially they supporting each other as they work towards their common goal of having a threesome.
Characteristic #4: Stable, Satisfying Relationship
Fourth characteristic is a couple free from any noticeable issues. The couple themselves may not be aware but if there is an underlying issue it can impact how they interact and how others perceive them. It is important the couple shares other interests and have a variety of ways they can connect emotionally. This will be something the third person will notice and can influence their decision to participate. If there are any issues they should be resolved before searching for a third person.
Characteristic #5: At Least 2 Years Together
Fifth characteristic is history together. Ideally, this author feels, a couple should have 2 – 5 years together before having a threesome. This allows enough time for the couple to work through a few issues, go through some “difficult times,” and develop their communication skills. Also, it allows them time to develop their identity as a couple and learn about each other, thereby lowering the chance that something will be misunderstood.
Characteristic #6: Separating sex from love
Final characteristic involves understanding sex can be a part of loving someone but at the same understanding that having sex does not equate to love. The latter is a challenge. Since the social message for a woman if she has sex for pleasure and has sex with someone who is not her husband then she is ‘slutty.’ Also, having sex for pleasure, bring up feelings of guilt because experiencing sex for pleasure goes against our earliest teaching and learning it is okay to have sex without having an emotional attachment is okay. Finally the challenge for a couple that is successful at having a threesome is being able to practice having sex with someone else does not mean relationship abandonment. This is probably the biggest hurdle and a hurdle that causes a lot of problems for couples. It can bring up feelings of anger, jealousy, and abandonment. In many cases these feelings are based on personal insecurity and not what is really happening in the threesome journey.
It is relatively easy to understand sex does not necessarily equals love but it is another to apply that concept while watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with someone else. Being able to communicate, being social, having time to be a couple, and working together as a couple are essential, this author believes, for a couple to have a threesome. Without having these characteristics having a threesome maybe difficult and may pose some challenges for them. Taking the time to develop them may help the couple have a rewarding and enjoyable threesome.
- How not to offend the third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about threesomes for couples – Part 2 (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs about boundaries (3somes.wordpress.com)
- FAQs – Finding a third person (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Frequently Asked questions about choosing a third person for a threesome (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Writing an ad – Advice for single males (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Anal Sex FAQs (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Polyamory vs. Threesomes (3somes.wordpress.com)