Relationship is a word that takes on multiple meanings and is difficult to define. In a threesome situation the word is used in two different contexts. The first context is in regards to developing enough of a relationship that sex can occur. This is quite similar to a working relationship where a relationship is needed so that the necessary work can occur, it needs to be maintained so that any future work will go smoothly, and finally it is a relationship that needs to be developed quickly. In this context relationship is formed regardless of feelings, regardless of friendship, and it is formed due to a common objective that is being sought.
In the more common usage of the word relationship it refers to a friendship or deeper relationship based on shared common feelings for one another. Typically friendships are formed for the long-term and are meant to be lasting. In this usage of the term the formation of feelings serves a common objective for the formation of a long-term relationship.
For a threesome to be successful the relationship needs to similar to the former definition in which the relationship is based on a common objective and only maintained to meet that objective. This means that taking time to develop a friendship, a deep understanding of each other, and going through the lengthy dating ritual is not necessary. Instead it means the time needed to get to know each other should be done during the initial stages and only to the depth necessary to make a decision regarding if the third person meets the couple’s requirements. Once the couple has made their decision the relationship only needs to be maintained long enough for threesome to occur.
If at some time the relationship moves from a working relationship into a relationship where feelings begin to develop then the threesome needs to end. Each person in a threesome situation is responsible for their feelings and responsible for what is communicated. Should feelings begin to develop this need to be discussed and ending the threesome needs to immediately happen. There are many reasons for ending it but in essence it is done to preserve the marital relationship. The maintaining the marital relationship takes precedence over any other reason. Plus the threesome has moved away from its primary objective and if left to continue will prove to be destructive for all involved.
Once the current threesome relationship has ended the couple needs to take a break and work through what happened. After understanding how feelings began to develop for the third person the couple needs to update their boundaries in an effort to guarantee that this does not happen again.
Below are a few additonal suggestions to minimize the chance a threesome relationship begins creating feelings for the third person:
- Find more than one playmate
- Avoid exclusive relationships
- Limit the number of times you play with the same person to either one off situation or a few limited times
- Keep the time between playing with the same person long (e.g. every three or six months)
- Maintain only necessary communication with the third person
- Do not incorporate the third person into non-sexual activities (e.g. picnic, movies, etc)
- Make sure both of you agree on the person and do not take one for the team
- Make sure your relationship is stable, you are not going through a major life event, or just finished going through a major life event.
- Take time to build up your relationship
- Avoid using friends, co-workers, or anyone you have a high degree of familiarity.
- Debrief afterwards
- Talk about feelings and potential scenarios that might lead to this situation. Once you have talked about it find ways to minimize it.
- Communicate to the third person your boundaries
- Communicate to the third person their role and that at the end of the night the two of you will be leaving as a couple.
- Address any misconceptions that the third person may have about the threesome before it happens
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