Managing feelings after a threesome


Intro:

Imagine for a moment, planning a threesome and discovering the communicating bringing you together. Next, recall the time spent searching for someone, rejecting some and being stood up by time-wasters.  After searching for a while becoming frustrated that you were not going to find someone that was compatible but after a bit more searching, you meet right person to join you for your threesome.

The threesome was emotionally intense watching your partner having sex with someone else. Heart was racing, sweat covered your body, and in a constant state of readiness. It brought up a lot of conflicting emotions that went from loss of your partner to sheer arousal. Each moment you could not decide if this was the most erotic experience you ever had or if you should leave the room. However the sight of your partner sexually enjoying themselves kept you there.

After the threesome a lot was going through you mind after the “thrill” of the experience ended. It started to raise questions about what occurred and left you feeling confused about your relationship. The scene of the threesome still arouses you but at the same time it angers you. Nonetheless, the above scene does raise the question, how do you deal with feelings after a threesome? Also, how do you plan a threesome in order to protect your relationship from the damage a threesome can cause? This article will examine the question from three perspectives: debriefing after wards, managing feelings, and suggested steps for dealing with feelings.

Debriefing:

Having a threesome is an emotionally intense experience and it can bring about an altered perception of reality. It is important in the minutes and days that follow to be careful about impulsively reacting to the threesome instead of discussing it. Debriefing means taking the time to talk through the threesome, including:

  • What went well
  • What did not go well
  • Feelings it brought up
  • Concerns that it raised
  • Boundaries that may have been violated
  • Boundaries that may need to be changed or removed
  • Next steps

It also means talking about the threesome as long as necessary in order to resolve the issues that it has brought up. This means instead of replaying the threesome over in your mind, like a DVD, and reacting to what you believed happen, you are taking the time to speak with your partner about the aspects of the threesome that are causing some issues for you. Also it means, debriefing is a process that allows for discussion of threesome in a calms rational way that may help to de-escalate issues thereby helping to preserve the relationship.

Finally debriefing should occur as soon after the threesome as possible. Ideally the discussion should start right after the third person leaves in order to work through any feelings the threesome created and begin dealing with the feelings instead of trying to avoid the subject.

Managing Feelings / Emotions:

Managing feelings essentially means, being able to separate sex from love and it means, being able to enjoy the physical aspects of sex without developing the emotional attachments that come with sex. On the surface this sounds fairly straightforward. However, having sex with someone is an emotionally intense experience that leads to some emotional bonding afterwards and being able to separate the two is not easy. There are two predictors this author feels that will determine a couple’s ability to do this.

First is the strength of the couple’s relationship, and by strength this author means how well the couple is bonded. Bonding is a complex discussion that is beyond the scope of this article and for this discussion means, the extent to which a couple to maintain their relationship with facing an outside threat. In this case the outside threat is the invited third person for the threesome. A couple that is emotionally attached, that has a history together of working through issues successfully, and effectively communicates is in a better position to deal with any threat a threesome may pose. This also means they are in a better position to plan their threesome and put in boundaries that will minimize a threat to their relationship from the third person.

Second is the individual’s ability to keep the threesome in perspective. This means the individual is able to realize a threesome is about sex, not emotions, and is able to keep the two separate. Also, it means the individual is able to effectively communicate this need and is able to take the appropriate steps once they realize they are becoming emotionally attached to the third person.

In order to manage feelings, this author feels, each person needs to understand themselves and how they operate as a couple. Without having some awareness of this, it means being able to manage their feelings becomes difficult since the appropriate boundaries and structure cannot be added to the threesome.

Suggested Steps:

This raises the question, what can a couple do to manage emotions of a threesome and manage feelings after a threesome? The starting point is having a secure and stable relationship. This means no using coercion, pressure or manipulation to have a threesome. It also means not using drugs or alcohol to facilitate having a threesome. By using emotional pressure or mind altering substances to have a threesome it make managing feelings difficult. Finally it means having an open enough communication whereby any topic can be discussed.

Next it means taking a look at the planned threesome and deciding if there is enough protection for the relationship. This could mean looking at having the threesome as a one-off situation. Also, it could mean looking at the selection of the third person, such as not choosing a friend or co-worker. Next, it may mean looking at the time spent building up to the threesome. It means minimizing the building of a friendship with them and having the threesome shortly after meeting them.

Thirdly it means adding structure to the threesome. Structure and boundaries are similar the difference lie in the detail. Boundaries set the limits of the threesome and the structure is how the threesome operates. Essentially this means the structure of the threesome flows from the boundaries. For example Couple A may have a boundary that oral sex is acceptable. However they may have discussed if oral sex is to occur then the wife would perform oral sex on her husband before performing it on the invited male. By having this rule it adds structure to the threesome that if oral sex is going to happen it is to be done on the husband first. Likewise a Couple B may have a boundary not to have threesome with anyone they know and not to invite the person back. This may mean having they have threesome while on vacation, thereby minimizing the risk of being found out and adding structure to their threesome.

Finally it means reviewing the boundaries. This means taking a look to see if any of the boundaries include relationship boundaries, such as not using the threesome against the other or having scheduled time to debrief about having the threesome? In addition it means taking a look at the boundaries and determining if they are realistic and practical? Boundaries may sound good on paper but their usefulness may not. This can lead to problems later and increase the chance of conflict.

Conclusion:

Being able to manage feelings after a threesome is paramount for the relationship to continue and to preserve the couple’s relationship. Debriefing and setting appropriate boundaries are necessary if a relationship is to survive a threesome. Without considering how to manage feelings by putting in place the appropriate boundaries and by having a relationship whereby communication is open, can lead to problems after a threesome. Therefore, it is this author’s feeling, considering feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the success of a threesome and the emotional well-being of those involved

Related Articles:

Remorse Threesomes Cuckold: How to get over the feeling and start living again

Where do negative feelings come from after a threesome?

10 Things You Should Know about having a Threesome but Were Afraid to Ask

10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask

Cuckolding Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Guide: Power of Sloppy Seconds

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Threesome Safety – An Overview


 

Safety Harbor Pier cloudy sunrise

 

Introduction

 

Up to now the topics regarding threesomes has looked at a threesome from various perspectives while alluding to safety. Considering safety does not mean taking the fun out of having a threesome; instead it means creating an environment where everyone feels they are able to enjoy themselves because they do not have to worry about potential injury. This means safety is an intangible aspect of having a threesome that underpins much of the process and requires consideration of many intrinsic factors. Without planning for safety it may mean an essential part of having a threesome is being overlooked and may put the couple’s relationship, physical safety, and sexual health at risk. Finally is important to remember this is not an exhaustive treaty on the subject and it is done as a brief overview in order to give couples a foundation for further discussions as they plan their threesome.

 

Sexual Safety:

 

 

 

This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone’s health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning “toys” before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk.

 

Personal Safety:

 

 

 

Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic.

 

Overview

 

Stating point regarding personal safety is our “inner voice.” All of us have an “inner voice” that tells us if something is not right. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that “inner voice.” Most likely the “inner voice” is warning you about a risk to your personal safety.

 

Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to “get in the mood” they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the “heat of the moment” only to regret it later.

 

Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety.

 

Meeting the Third Person

 

 

 

Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planning for safety.

 

The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape.

 

Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons.

 

After the initial contact with the third person and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop to allow a threesome to happen the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but my feeling is for someone starting out the first meeting should be a “meet & greet” in a public place. This means the first meeting no sex occurs and the purpose of the meeting is find out if the person is compatible with the two of you. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with.

 

Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable.

 

Emotional Safety:

 

 

 

Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it.

 

So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome.

 

Conclusion

 

 

 

This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable.

 

 

 

The basics of threeosme safety


 

Introduction

What do you think when you hear the word safety? Safety conjures up an image of an activity being sucked of its fun or Health and Safety Laws in the UK that have gone too far. Nonetheless safety has an important part of having a threesome and it is the part that ensures that the threesome remains enjoyable while protecting those involved.

Sexual Safety:

 

This is the easiest point to start the discussion since it is a topic people are familiar with at some level. Sexual safety means more than practicing safe-sex, it means avoiding unnecessary risks that can damage your sexual health. It also means looking at the details of what is being planned and ensuring that what is being planned will not have an impact on anyone’s health at a later date. Examples include properly cleaning “toys” before using them, not going bareback with someone, not using lubricants that can breakdown a condom, informing your partner if you believe you have been exposed to a STI, allowing a chance to bathe, and changing condoms when switching between anal and vaginal penetration. Essentially sexual safety means respecting everyone enough that extra measures are considered and communicating additional information so that sexual health is not put at risk.

Personal Safety:

 

Personal safety and emotional safety has some overlap. Since there is some overlap this section will focus more on the physical aspects of personal safety and to some extent address the issue of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person. It is impossible to speak about every possible risk to personal safety that might theoretically arise in a threesome situation and this section will take a broad brush stroke over the topic.

Overview

Stating point regarding personal safety is our “inner voice.” All of us have an “inner voice” that tells us if something is not right. Choosing to listen our inner voice is our choice. However in a threesome situation if it does not feel right, if you feel there is something not right about the situation, or the situation make you feel uncomfortable then it is best not to ignore that “inner voice.” Most likely your “inner voice” is warning you about a potential injury to your well-being.

Another point regarding personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where your safety becomes at risk. There are some who feel to “get in the mood” they need to drink or use drugs. There is nothing wrong with a social drink in order to get the conversation flowing and to relax everyone. However the issue becomes when having more than a social drink or using drugs can lead to fuelling emotions such as, when are watching your partner having sex with someone else in front of you and such activities makes it more likely that the individual will participate in risky behavior that they would not normally do when sober. Undertaking risky behavior can result in boundaries being broken, unnecessary exposure to STDs / STIs, and in some cases risk of pregnancy. It is therefore better to be in control of the situation and to make appropriate decisions then to make a decision based on the “heat of the moment” only to regret it later.

Final point, which ties in to the next part of personal safety as it relates to meeting the third person, is examining the planned threesome from a personal safety perspective. It means examining the planned threesome and then trying to identify where potential safety issues may exist. From there then determining the likelihood of it happening, and asking if it did happen why would be impact of the outcome? Purpose of this exercise, essentially is to make sure what is being planned addresses the issues of safety.

Meeting the Third Person

 

Meeting the third person covers a very broad spectrum from placing an ad on the internet to physically meeting them. While it is impossible to cover every conceivable situation a few general principles do apply. First principle is creating an alias. An alias is essential because it helps to protect your identity from family, friends, employers, if you have children in the home it will protect them, and anyone else that you may come in contact with. It goes without saying, there is nothing wrong with having a threesome but if someone does know your identity then it could have some consequences for you, especially if you have a job where you are dealing with the public. In order to protect yourself, your family and your job creating an alias becomes a part of planning for safety.

The question now becomes what is an alias? An alias sanitizes your key information so that is not easily traced to you. This means when creating an alias, you remove any information that can personally identify you and restate it in such a way that protects you. So if you are John (age 42) & Jane (age 38) residing in Northbrook, Illinois then your alias may become Mark (age 40) and Sarah (age 35) in Chicago. As a part of this process any pictures you might use would not have pictures of your children, other family members, or anything that would identify you. Instead they might be either neck down pictures or pictures showing you from a distance, so that facial features become less distinct while still showing a generalized body shape.

Remember your alias will be the first thing people who read your ad on the internet, you contact, or meet will know about you. Therefore it becomes important that your alias is something that is manageable and easy for you to remember. If not, it may make developing trust more difficult thereby loosing potential third persons.

Final question is how far do you take the alias? Personally my recommendation would be taking it far enough that any person you come in contact with regarding a threesome cannot identify where you work, do not know where you live if you have children, and they do not know your contact information. This may mean getting a pay-as-you-go cellular / mobile phone or buying a separate cellular / mobile phone for this activity. By getting a mobile / cellular phone dedicated to this activity it keeps your own phone number hidden and it also allow you to know anyone who is contacting you their call somehow relates to a threesome. Likewise establishing a dedicated email address for this activity will help to protect you from SPAM emails and it makes it easier to manage. Thirdly this means not taking the third person to your house if you have children around and if you do bring them making sure any sensitive information (e.g. bank, credit card information, and family photos) is secured. Fourthly avoid giving any career information that might identify your employer or may damage your reputation. Finally an alias may sound as though you are lying or intentionally being deceptive. This author feels as long as you are honest to questions being asked, that does not relate to your identity, and your present yourself in a truthful manner then creating an alias for protecting your protection is justifiable.

After speaking with them online and there seems to be an interest in meeting to see if things develop for a threesome to happen, the question becomes how to handle it? There is no right way to handle it but, this author feels, is for someone starting out with having a threesome then the first meeting should be a “meet & greet” in a public place. This means the first meeting involves no sex occurring and the purpose of the meeting is find out if all three of you are compatible. Before meeting them it may be worth your time to bring a cellular phone  / mobile phone for an emergency, let someone know that as a couple you are going out that night, and consider other safety measures. Then after the meeting having the time to talk to each other about it and then determine if that person is someone you want to have a threesome with.

Emotional Safety:

 

Emotional safety essentially means ensuring that you maintain the same positive perspective of having a threesome, from beginning to well after the threesome occurs, and immediately addressing any issues that interferes with that perspective. This means, this author feels, that each person participating in the threesome needs to have the proper positive perspective. Having a positive perspective does not necessary mean being 100% enthused about the idea 100% of the time. Instead it means viewing having a threesome as something positive and enjoyable in which each person has decided to participate. Without viewing a threesome as a choice and a decision to participate in it freely leaves allot of room for feeling bad about it.

So how do you achieve a balance to view the threesome positively as a choice? This author believes that being assertive as a large role in it. Being assertive means making your needs known in a manner that is not confrontation and as long as it is not a need that needs to be met in order to have the threesome (e.g. safe-sex practices), then try to find a way to reach a compromise. Without being assertive to make you needs known and to protect those needs that you feel are absolutely necessary to have a threesome.

Conclusion

 

This chapter briefly touched on the issue of safety from a sexual, personal, and emotional perspective. However due to the breadth of this subject it was not possible to cover all aspects of it and the purpose of this section was to introduce the idea as some something that needs to be considered when planning a threesome. If there were four points from this section to remember they would be, first do not discount any feeling of uneasiness because it could be a warning that something is not right. Second it is important to be assertive, to deal with issues as they come up, and not to give up on your core feelings in order to please someone else so that a threesome can happen. Third creating an alias can help in protecting yourself, your career, and family from the possible negative consequences of having a threesome. Finally it is important to review the planned threesome, from time to time, in order to ensure issues of safety are being addressed and that as a couple you are not putting your safety at unnecessary risk. By considering and planning for your safety in a threesome situation it will go along way to ensure that your threesome is enjoyable.