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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2 – separating emotional sex and physical sex

Posted in Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Types of threesomes by

A-IMG_8560Introduction

From the time our first sex-ed lesson, there is one consistent message and that message is, to have sex you need to love the person.  The message teaches a good lesson about caring, respect, and treating others as equals. It provides the right direction for future relationships. Nonetheless the message also misses three important points.

First the act of sex does not need feelings, only a place. Having feelings for someone else is vital when establishing a long-term relationship for having a family and companionship. The issue of feelings also implies vulnerability, risk of being hurt, and a complex social interaction to develop them then support them. and

Second point, there is nothing wrong having sex for physical enjoyment provided all participants can consent. Having sex for physical enjoyment can be an uncomplicated experience if everyone from the beginning understands the intention and expectation of the encounter.

Third point, the message implies by having sex with someone you love then you will not get hurt.  Getting hurt, means, making the wrong choice about having sex and choosing the wrong person.

Threesomes and feelings

Depending on the type of threesomes be sought, feelings can complicate it. For soft-swinging and a general threesome focusing on pleasure instead of feelings is paramount. If couples approach having a threesome as though they are dating the third person then feelings begin entering into the equation and increasing the risk a damaging outcome will occur. In these situation the ability to enjoy the experience without becoming attached to the third person can happen.

A couple can still be monogamous and have a threesome

It is important to understand there are two parts to monogamy, physical and emotional. Arguably, very few people can claim they are physically monogamous. Physically monogamy means being physically monogamous to one person and depending on the definition, it is possible if you have more than one partner in your lifetime then you are not truly physically monogamous.

This leads to the next part emotional monogamy. Emotional monogamy, I believe, is the core to most relationships. If a couple can keep up their feelings for each other while keeping their feelings for others under control then, I believe, a couple can support their emotional monogamy. For some couples not being emotional monogamous works but for this article, I will focus on keeping feelings separate.

Concurring the monogamy hurdle

Probably the biggest barrier in having a threesome is resolving the idea of cheating. There is no universal definition of cheating. Some definitions are very restrictive that includes a mere thought of someone else other than your spouse as cheating. Having a restrictive definition makes having a threesome nearly impossible and will need some change.

When we were having our threesomes our definition of cheating was quite simple, before the threesome we agree that we would not hold it against the other and we agree there was no cheating was occurring, as long as we kept to our boundaries. By discussing the idea of cheating, monogamy, and what it can mean for the relationship, it can help by progressing the idea of having threesome.

Change the view

Until a couple can accept there are at least two types of sex. Physical sex for pure enjoyment and without forming a relationship with someone else. The second type is emotional sex. This type of sex is shared between two people who care about each other and seek a long-term commitment.

Granted in a relationship each type of sex does occur. Moreover if a threesome is to occur a couple must understand by having physical sex with someone else can mean the relationship can stay intact and it can also mean the changes for the better. Essentially, a couple will have to change their view about sex and relationship.

How to persuade them to have a threesome?

There is no formula, except trial and error. A lot of being able to persuade your partner comes from having a loving stable relationship and understanding their needs. On the journey to have a threesome, it is important your partner understand your feelings for them will not change and having physical sex with someone else will not destroy the relationship.

A lot of how they react will depend on the relationship, their personal beliefs and their experiences. Only by discussing issues such as cheating or the difference between physical and emotional sex can a step towards having a threesome occur. By being patient, willing to openly discuss the topic and giving all the time necessary for the threesome to occur can the journey actually happen. Finally remember there are no guarantees to have a threesome but only to love your partner for who they are, not what they can give you.

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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Defining threesome, swinging, and open relationship

Posted in Terminology by

The Purple Mobius symbol for Polyamory, non-mo...

Does having a threesome mean the relationship is an open relationship?

Introduction

Threesomes, swinging, and open relationships are terms that are used interchangeably but each term has a specific meaning. Without understanding the meaning of each term it leads to confusion and misunderstanding.

Threesome

We all know threesome is a broad term meaning three people having sex together and it is used to cover a variety of situations. What many people do not realize is the term implies an encounter whereby the couple remains emotionally monogamous to each other but brings in a third person in order to enhance their sexual enjoyment of each other.  This means the term is used ind describing a couple that occasionally participates in the activity and for the most part, has a close relationship.

Swinging

Swinging is a term, this author feels, is over-used and it has almost become meaningless. The term dates back WWII and it described the practice of fighter pilots who shared their wives due to the high mortality rate but the practice itself dates back to biblical times.

Today, swinging implies a lifestyle choice. This means a couple that participates in having threesomes does so on a regular basis and the practice has become a part of their life. This means the difference between the term swinging and threesome implies the degree to which the practice is a part of the couple’s life.

Open Relationship

An open relationship can take on many forms, such as cuckolding / cuckqueaning, menage da trios, friends with benefits, or polyamory. The defining feature of an open relationship versus a threesome or swinging is the couple, in an open relationship, forms a secondary sexual relationship with someone outside of their primary relationship. This means each individual in the relationship, can choose, to have a relationship with someone else.  It also means the difference between an open relationship, swinging and a threesome is in an open relationship emotional monogamy is lost.

Defining the difference

This brings up the question, is all swinging and threesomes an open relationship? In this author’s opinion the answer is no. First in a swinging or threesome situation the activity is done together in an effort to maintain emotional monogamy. Second, an open relationship tends to involve relationship formation whereas the others focus on sexual enjoyment instead of forming a relationship. Such a difference means there is a different relationship dynamic at play.

Next, it brings up the question what about a couple that swings or has a threesome but one of the plays alone on occasion. The answer comes down to the reason for playing alone and the frequency. If it is something that is done on a rare occasion and it done for heightening sexual enjoyment then the answer would be it is not an open relationship.

Finally is it possible to have an open relationship while maintaining some form of monogamy? This author believes cuckolding / cuckqueaning is an example where the submissive member remains monogamous and receives sexual enjoyment from their partner’s sexual encounter. The other example is a friend with benefits. A friend with benefits relationship implies there is no monogamy and it is a choice.  This means the friends can, if they are not already in a relationship with someone else, choose to remain monogamous to each other.

Conclusion

The terms threesome, swinging, and open relationship describe a relationship based on the frequency of group sex and the extent to which the couple remains emotionally monogamous to each other. Even though each term describes these characteristics, it still means there is some interpretation that must occur. Hopefully by discussing these terms in more detail it will help the reader understand the differences between them.

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FAQs about cuckolding

Posted in FAQ, Threesomes by

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What is cuckolding?

Cuckolding refers to a committed couple whereby the woman has sex with someone outside of their relationship. It is done with the knowledge and consent of her partner.

With that said this author feels there are two forms of cuckolding. One form has elements of BDSM in particular domination / submission, which typically involves some form of humiliation. In this form it is the woman who takes on the dominant role and the male takes on the submissive role. Typically the woman will limit or withhold sex from her male partner while she is involved with another male. Also, it is common for the male to wear a male chastity device to prevent him from masturbating.

Second form involves sharing the experience. In this form of cuckolding there is no domination / submission with humiliation. Instead both agree to the experience and the woman finds a male lover outside of their relationship. Once she returns she will typically share the experience with her male partner. This may include not bathing and telling him about the experience while they have sex.

What is cuckqueaning?

It is the same as cuckolding except it is the male that takes on a lover outside of the relationship and generally speaking, this form is much less common than cuckolding. On this site, this author uses cuckolding to address both cuckolding and cuckqueaning.

How is cuckolding different than having a threesome?

Cuckolding differs from a threesome in two fundamental ways. The first way, cuckolding is more of an individual activity than a team activity. Unlike a threesome it is the woman who does most of the searching and it is her that will have sex with someone else without her partner being there.

Second way cuckolding is different, for the woman it means she is no longer monogamous to her partner but her partner remains, in most cases, monogamous.

This means cuckolding is a quasi-open relationship whereby the man has a less active role and the woman primarily plans her experience. The extent to which she shares the experience is primarily determined by the boundaries they have established.

Is cuckolding an open relationship?

In this author’s opinion, cuckolding can be a form of an open relationship and the test is how long it lasts. If it is something the couple tries a few times and then agrees not to incorporate in their lives then it is not. However, if it is something that continues and becomes a part of their life then this author feels it is a form of an open relationship that normally involves one partner remaining exclusive.

Would you recommend cuckolding to a couple who has no threesome or wife swapping experience?

No, without some group sex experience, such as threesome or wife-swapping, the couple is not fully aware of the issues involved. Typical issues include emotional reactions, communication, and the work needed to support the relationship. Group sex experience will not necessarily prepare the couple for cuckolding but it will give them some experience regarding the issues that they may face should they try cuckolding. Instead this author feels the right approach would be to start out with having a threesome and then let cuckolding evolve naturally from it.

What are three issues a couple may face if they try cuckolding?

Beyond the issues of pregnancy and STIs probably the most common issue will be jealousy. Jealousy will come in different forms such as feeling disconnected from your partner, feeling ignored or outright jealous. Another issue is communication. Again it can take different forms such as too much communication about what is occurring, too little communication, or not the right communication. If a couple tries cuckolding communication is going to be paramount to keeping their relationship together. Final issue, resolving feelings about cuckolding, cuckolding is a practice that is not readily accepted and very few people understand. This means there is very little support and it also means it can create a lot of feelings about participating in this type of experience. It is important if a couple is going to try this then both of them are confident in their choice.

Should I have my partner meet my lover before anything happens?

It comes down to your agreed boundaries but it is something this author recommends. Having them meet them will help both of you and ideally they should have the last say, if it happens. By doing this, it allows them to take part in the decision making process and it gives them the responsibility for agreeing. If they agree then they share the responsibility for the decision for cuckolding to occur.

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