How to plan and manage a threesome using a check list

Using the check-list

Below is a generic checklist meant to guide couples in planning their first threesome. It is not meant to be a comprehensive checking list covering every possible outcome. Instead it recognizes that every threesome takes its own journey and happens at its own speed. Thereby some steps may occur together or not at all. The overall purpose of the list is meant is serving as a reminder of activities that need to occur and there is no guarantee by following the list it will produce an uneventful threesome.

Finally, there are four parts to the checklist: pre-searching, searching, threesome, and post threesome. Pre-searching regards activities prior to searching for the third person. Searching regards activities during the searching phase. Threesome regards activities when narrowing the list and making the decision to invite through the planning the threesome. Finally the post threesome regards activities to work through any issues that may occur.

Pre-search

1. Initial discussion
2. Begin understanding the difference between the fantasy of having a threesome
3. Discussion regarding expectations, potential issues, and risks
4. Discussion what it will be like watching / having sex in front of your partner
5. Discussion regarding boundaries
6. Discussion regarding issues such as dealing with jealousy
7. Defining cheating
8. What activities are explicitly off-limits
9. Safety – personal & sexual
10. What needs to be communicated and to what extent
11. Privacy – how much information to reveal and how will information be protected
12. Where to have the threesome
13. Who to invite / type of person
14. When to have the threesome
15. Division of Labor – Who is responsible for example: posting ads, reviewing replies, arranging meeting etc.
16. How the search will occur
17. Determining the criteria for scaling back the interested males / females
18. Role play / simulating the threesome

Searching

1. Writing the ad for web sites
2. How do you, as a couple, identify time wasters
3. Speaking with a potential third person
4. Does an interest exist?
5. If agreement is to ask a friend / co-worker then arrange to speak with them
6. Sort through replies, identify those of interest, and politely respond back with ‘sorry but not interested’
7. Agree you have found a potential third person
8. Arrange an initial meeting with the third person

Threesome

1. Review boundaries and ensure the two of you have the same understanding.
2. Communicate boundaries to third person
3. Make final arrangements for the threesome including a signal / word that indicates it should not happen.
4. Manage feelings
5. Enjoy

Post-Threesome

1. Face the realities of the decision
2. Debrief
3. Work through any issues before having another threesome

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

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Frequently Asked Questions choosing a third person for a threesome

Is choosing a co-worker, a friend, or an ex a good choice for inviting as the third to a threesome?

Generally speaking they are convenient since you know them and you have some type of a relationship with them. However, each poses a risk and the risk normally outweighs any advantage. Therefore, the general rule is co-workers, friends, and exes tend not to make a good choice for a threesome.

Where can we find a third for our threesome?

The locations you can search are unlimited. Probably the most common ones are on-line dating web sites, swinger / lifestyle websites, swingers clubs, munches, dogging sites, and lifestyle parties. Sometimes bars / pubs are a possibility. However most bars / pubs do not cater to this type of activity and your advances may be un-welcomed. Therefore if you do look in a bar / pub be cautious and be ready if your threesome idea is ill-received. Finally some may consider using a “professional” for this type of activity. In most locations, including Vegas, prostitution is illegal and many “professionals” carry STDs / STIs. Plus some may be under-age, they are expensive, and many hotels will not tolerate them. Best advice is forgetting about using a professional due to the risk and cost.

How do we select the third person?  

There is no magical formula for choosing the third person and the choice comes down to your preferences. However the person selected, this author feels, should be someone that is compatible with the two of you and the both of you can agree on them.

I want my partner to select the third person and not interfere?

The decision on how to select the third person is ultimately up to each couple. However, this author feels there is less chance of issues arising and less risk to the relationship if both are active in the choice process. One possible solution might be your partner chooses but you have the last say over the selection.

How much detail should we go into about our boundaries?

You do not need to give an hour lecture on your boundaries and you do not need to go into great depth about them. Nonetheless the information you give should be enough for them to understand your boundaries and respect them.

Once we meet the third person, should we have the threesome the same day?

This is a personal decision that needs to be made by all involved. However some couples, particularly those just starting out, may want to consider a meet & greet. A meet & greet allows all three to meet in public and each to decide on their own before the threesome occurs. Such a situation reduces the chance the wrong decision is made and reduces the chance that there will be regrets later.