10 things you should know about having a threesome but were afraid to ask

Introduction

Over the last few years I have seen progress being made regarding the acceptance of threesomes but we still have a long ways to go before it is accepted as mainstream. There are still a lot of couples who approach having a threesome with very little knowledge and not sure what is involved. Below are a few questions regarding threesomes and over the coming weeks I plan to add more to it.

1) They show interest in having a threesome in the bedroom, does it mean they will agree to have a threesome?

No. Saying you want a threesome during foreplay, during sex, or immediately afterwards is no indication of there interest. Why?

From the start of foreplay our resistance to suggestions lowers because of the state of arousal and the closeness we feel to our partner. As arousal increases resistance further decreases and using of fantasies to further increase arousal continues until climax. After climaxing there is a period time the euphoria from sex continues and this, I believe, allows bonding to occur.

Once sex ends we continue with our daily lives and face the challenges it presents to us. Essentially when interest in having a threesome is expressed it about the fantasy not reality.

2) They have said they will agree to a mfm threesome if I agree to a fmf threesome. Should I agree?

No. Quid-pro-quo, sometimes referred to as ‘something for something’ is a risky situation that requires a lot of trust and very detailed knowledge of your partner. A downfall of this type of agreement occurs after the first threesome and the other does not want to have another threesome. Many times this leads to hurt feelings and conflict in the relationship because there is a feeling of violation of a trust that exists.

A better solution is reaching an agreement on having a threesome then after the first threesome experience evaluating it to determine if it is possible to have another. If it is possible to have another threesome then discuss needs and desires.

3) Should I find someone and surprise them with a threesome?

Again the answer is no. Surprise threesomes rarely work and in most cases they can be quite embarrassing because cues were misread. Instead obtain your partner’s / spouse’s agreement about searching for a threesome for them on your own.

4) They have said no to a threesome. What Should I do?

If someone says no to you, what do you do? In most cases we either ask for feedback or forget about it. Asking for a threesome is the same. If you decide it is not worth pursuing then that is a choice. However, if you ask for feedback there is a few reasons why and sometimes your spouse / partner may not share it. A few of the reasons might include:

• Wrong approach used
• Goes against their beliefs
• Timing was wrong
• Misread cues from your partner
• They may be open to the idea but your suggestion was no in line with what they were expecting / wanting
• It is something they need to consider
• Not enough trust due to length of relationship or ongoing relationship issues
• Underlining relationship issues
• View it as cheating
• Afraid to be with someone else because of their limited sexual experiences

Should you choose to ask for feedback it will help you gauge the next step and it will help with communication in the relationship. If a conversation about having a threesome can begin then it is possible that sometime in the future it might occur.

5) How Can I convince them to have a threesome?

There are web sites that claim you convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome but I believe there is no method that will convince them. At the heart of the matter, they must want to have a threesome and if they firmly oppose having a threesome then it is unlikely they will ever agree to have one.

The one thing that you have is time. Time changes everything. Initially may be resistant to the idea but over time their resistance softens. Another weapon in your arsenal is behavior. Relationship security can be a big hurdle for a threesome. Changing they way you relate to your partner and making time for them may be all that is needed. This means convincing them is more about being supportive and providing a channel for discussion than employing a technique to magically get them to agree.

6) They have said yes to the having a threesome, what is our next step?

There are two steps that need to occur almost simultaneously. First step is setting boundaries, which is discussed later in this article. Second is finding the third person. Once discussion on boundaries begins finding the third person should occur. Finding the third person should be a joint effort because it will require each of you agreeing to the choice. How the searching is done is your decision. Once you find them it is important to do some screening and asking them questions. Finally during this time it is important to review boundaries, discuss feelings, and discuss comfort level to ensure no issues that can hurt the relationship arise.

7) Do we need boundaries?

Yes. Boundaries build trust that allows the threesome to occur. They reduce the chance hurt feelings or arguments arise. Some will say they do not need boundaries because they want their partner to choose what they want to experience only to find later they did not consider ‘X’ will happen. Boundaries do not need to be complex and they do not need to be detailed. Instead can be a few rules that everyone has the same understanding that define the threesome.

There are three types of boundaries that need discussing. First, relationship boundaries. Relationship boundaries relate to how the relationship will handle having a threesome. In my situation our relationship boundary regards not using the experience against the other. Meaning, it is a mutual decision that we both make and will not blame the other.

Second type of boundary are threesome boundaries. These will be boundaries that relate to the threesome and will change a In the beginning they should be basic and be specific. While avoiding having too many or boundaries that conflict.

Third type of boundary are implied boundaries. Implied related to expectations, acceptable acts, and acts in the threesome that are off limits. They are implied because it will impossible to go through every possible scenario and impossible to comprehend every possible scenario. Therefore assumptions must be made and if there is going to be an argument regarding boundaries then there is a good chance this will be the type of boundary causing the conflict.

8) How do we find someone that is interested?

Finding a woman interested in a threesome can be a bit challenging, especially if you are looking for a single straight female. However if you are looking for a male the time needed is much shorter. With the boom in mobile and cellular phones finding someone for a threesome is becoming easier. There are applications for your phone and tablet. Websites that focus on threesomes, foursomes, and dating. Also there are swingers clubs, munches, and other similar type of activities that occur in public. Finally if you are open to the experience sometimes finding someone can occur at the most unlikely places.

9) What is it like watching them having sex?

The two of you can discuss feelings, signal for discomfort, and how it might impact the both of you; however until it happens no one will have an idea. For some it is the most erotic experience. Watching someone else pleasing their partner as they participate. Others it is quite possibly the worst experience of their life. Most likely it will fall somewhere in between the two extremes.

If the two of you communicate and have a good relationship then it is reasonable to expect some fear along with a lot of excitement. Should this be your first experience then you may have issues with being comfortable communicating in all situations. This may mean letting the invited person know how they can help increase your enjoyment may be difficult thereby not being able to get the most from the experience.

10) Can you enjoy sloppy seconds in a threesome?

Yes. If you are participating and you all the invited male to have sex with your wife / girlfriend first. Be aware she might be a bit uncomfortable and may want you to only to have sex with her. Talk with her before the threesome. Then watch her reaction and listen for cues regarding her comfort level.

Other articles of interest

Easing into Cuckolding or Swinging

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

Using quid-pro-quo as a negotiating position for a threesome

Questions for the third person

Threesome stages

Threesome Terminology

Defining Cheating

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Cuckolding Beginners Guide: Surviving the First Date

Introduction

The cuckolding fantasy give a safe place to view the experience and have the ideal outcome.  Once the first date approaches the fantasy metamorphosis into a storm at sea with the flurry of emotions, the fear, and panic before being replaced with excite the first date brings. It is not until she arrives home and discussing the experience does the storm finally subside. So, how do you survive the storm that comes with the first date?

Boundaries

Starting point is establishing basic boundaries. Cuckolding is not a threesome and will need very different boundaries. A boundary for a threesome might be no kissing, one-off, or no anal sex. This is because having a threesome is a team activity whereby each person can verify the other is following each boundary and as a couple become comfortable with having a threesome their need for specific boundaries begin the wane. Therefore, a boundary in a threesome situation is more about comfort and providing a degree of emotional safety to make sure the threesome does not go beyond a certain points.

However, in a cuckold having a boundary is more about physical safety or relationship safety than emotional safety. Examples of boundaries may include:

• No staying overnight
• Call / text to give update about the date is progressing
• Number of times in a month she meets the other man
• Amount and type of communication that can occur
• Degree to which the discussing the events of her being intimate with someone else
• Meeting the other male and being to ‘veto’ him if not acceptable.

It can be said, having a cuckold requires a higher degree of trust and a deeper understanding of what cuckolding involves to make sure safety.

Build up the relationship

Building up the relationship  prior to the first date is vital for ensuring a positive cuckolding experience and ensuring the relationship can survive the experience. This means any relationship issue that can cause a problem is resolved before the first date and it means finding a way to connect at an emotional level to bond.

Next building up the relationship can also mean changing your communication style whereby the focus changes from superficial discussions to problem resolution. Such a change may involve talking about feelings, needs, and then working towards an agreeable solution.

Finally, building up the relationship means supporting her through the experience in order for it to be a positive experience for her. It may need helping her prepare for the first day and making herself look attractive. This may mean putting aside your feelings to help her feel confident that this is the right decision.

Relationship Changes

As the first date gets closer there may be noticeable relationship changes:

• She may become emotionally distant
• She may want more time to herself
• Sex may decrease or stop
• Anxiety and fear about the relationship may become more common
• Arguments may increase
• Premature ejaculation or inability to become erect
• She may become more focused on appearance

It is important to view them as normal but after the first date, they can be a sign of an issue that needs discussing.

Distraction

The first time can be quite unnerving. She is gone, hopefully enjoying herself with someone else while you are left alone. It is a time when fear and anxiety build that can lead to a hasty decision being made. It is important while she is out a distraction is found that does not involve using drugs, does not involve using alcohol and does not shopping. From my experience, if you are at home, cleaning is a good distraction. Likewise going to a movie or going out also serves as distinction.

Post Date Relationship Changes

Cuckolding will forever change your relationship and each encounter makes it more difficult for the relationship to return to an exclusive relationship.  It is important to expect change and the degree, to which, the change will occur will depend on how the experience impacts each of you.

Finally

Until the first date cuckolding is only a fantasy. However, as the first date approaches the relationship will under go temporary changes that may involve creating an emotional distance to prepare for the cuckolding experience along with the male noticing sexual changes. After the date it is likely there will be changes to the relationship and to make sure the experience is positive the couple will need to make sure they continue to communicate. The first date can be a positive experience if you plan for it, communicate, and view any change positively.

Other Articles of Interest

Cuckolding Beginners Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Beginners Guide: Enjoying Sloppy Seconds

Universal Boundaries

FAQs Regarding Boundaries

5 Laws for Establishing Boundaries

Cuckolding Relationship

Easing into Cuckolding or Threesome

8 Cuckolding Secrets Every Couple Should Know

Watching My Wife Having Sex with Another Man

Cuckolding and the Power Sloppy Seconds

Debunking Cuckold Myths

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Easing into cuckolding or a threesome

Introduction

The decision is reached to finally take ‘the plunge,’ and all is left is finding the right person. A few ideas get discussed about possible people to invite and the discussion includes using an ad on a web site. After taking time to search someone who appears to be a good match is found and the reality of having sex with someone outside of the relationship finally becomes real. Now hundreds of thoughts starting arising and confronting a new reality, one that was not thought of during the discussion, how do you ‘ease into’ having the experience?

Solution: Do what is comfortable

When it is not a good idea to have a cuckold or a threesome

‘Easing’ into a threesome or ‘easing’ into a cuckold indicates to me someone who does not know where their comfort level lies. It can also be a warning that boundaries have not been discussed or they were not in alignment with personal beliefs. At worst, it can be a sign that pressure or coercion is being used to gain agreement for a threesome indicating it the planned experience can cause harm.

Listening to ‘the voice’ for direction of ‘easing into’ a threesome or a cuckold

All of us has a ‘little voice in our head’ that tells us:  what is comfortable, the ‘voice’ tells us when we are leaving our comfort zone, and it tells us when we are outside of our level of comfort. Granted in a cuckolding and threesome situation there are two other people; however nothing happens unless you agree to it. This means, there is no reason why ‘the voice’ needs to be muted when it comes to a threesome or a cuckold. It also means, there is no reason as to why ‘the voice’ cannot act as a guide and act as an indicator of where your comfort level exists and use that indicator for establishing boundaries that build a level of trust.

Alternative solution: ‘dipping your toes in the shallow end’

If using your senses to help you guide you about where your comfort level exists and then communicating it does not work, another solution exists. This solution involves taking small steps and once a level of comfort is establish trying something more involved. Each of us has our own definition of a small step and it is not easy to define. Nonetheless, in the context of a threesome or cuckold, it tends to mean starting with a non-sexual activity then build.

Example 1: a fictitious example Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr Jones a 48 year old  accountant &  Mrs. Jones a 42 year old nurse agree to have a threesome. Mrs Jones has always enjoyed fantasies of a younger male having sex with her without Mr. Jones present. As a couple they discussed the idea and agreed to try it. As a part of their agreement they agree Mrs Jones will find a male and have sex with him without Mr Jones present. 

After agreeing they found a 38 year old male, Mark Smith but after  finding Mark Mrs. Jones begins having doubts and is unsure if she can go through with it. Mr & Mrs Jones discuss the issue. They discover their initial plan was too bold and scale it back. Instead of having it all happen at once, they agree Mrs. Jones will have a few ‘dates’ with Mark to see if she is ready for the experience.

Example 2: fictitious example George and Melissa

George and Melissa are a middle age couple who seek different ways to explore the boundaries of their relationship. Recently they have agreed to try a threesome with Paul. However, as the threesome approaches Melissa is finding she is unsure if she can go through with the planned threesome. As a result George and Melissa agree their first experience will be a soft-swinging experience and then afterwards they will evaluate the experience to see if the next encounter will be a full threesome.

Alternative Solution 2: KISS it

A good acronym to remember when planning your first threesome is KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). Keeping a threesome or cuckold simple means setting realistic expectations and not viewing the experience as some type of marathon event. It also means, not pushing the boundaries and keeping the first experience simple thereby avoiding a lot of issues later. In a threesome an example of keeping it simple might be having each male having sex with the female instead of trying for ‘split roast’ or double penetration (dp).

When planning a threesome typically two mistakes are made. First mistake is not having boundaries and agreeing to allow anything to happen. Usually this is a bad idea because it does not provide a sense of security, it allows activities not considered to happen,  and it also opens the planned cuckold or threesome to conflict later. Second mistake is like being a child in a toy store and being overwhelmed with all of the choices. This can lead to planning a threesome that is outside of the comfort limit and make a participant uneasy.

Finally

Remember when planning your first threesome or cuckold by KISSing it will alleviate some of the stress associated with it. Also, by communicating it can help to plan a threesome or cuckold that is emotionally secure. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take a threesome or cuckolding experience slow. Just remember to communicate.

Other articles of interest

Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

Secret #3: being confident

Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

Secret #6 – it is the relationship

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

8 cuckolding secrets every couple should know

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