Suggesting a threesome – What does it mean?


Indian bisexual ménage à trois. Miniature from...Does Suggesting a Threesome Means the Relationship is over?

Introduction

Imagine your significant other stating, “I want a threesome,” and with those four words, your world suddenly changes. All of a sudden a flurry of emotions hit you and it feels as though your relationship is over. After the emotions hit then the deluge of questions come: How could they suggest it? Why am I not good enough? Are they bisexual? Don’t they love me? These are some of the questions that play like a tape in your head. How do you respond? Do you cry, get upset, or deal with it rationally? It seems beyond any logical explanation as to why after years of being together your partner suddenly suggests a threesome. Before responding, it might be worth reading this article and thinking through your response.

Reality, there are many reasons as to why your partner may have suggested a threesome that seems, ‘out of the blue’ and the starting point is to examine the events leading up to the suggestion in order to get some context. This article will examine some of the possible reasons and perceived reasons why they may ask for a threesome.

They have someone in mind

It is possible there is someone else and by asking the right questions it will become clearer. Even if they have approached someone it could mean they are overly enthusiastic about the idea because they thought you would agree and therefore, it is important that you speak with them about it before deciding there reason for wanting a threesome is because they want to be with someone else.

They no longer love me

If they were no longer in love with you then most likely they will not suggest a threesome and probably opt for cheating or leaving the relationship.

They are gay / bisexual

This is a possible explanation especially if there are other signs that indicate this. It could be that they are curious about what it is like to be with someone of the same gender. If there is a curiosity then it may be something they want to explore and after no more than few times it may be something that they loose interest in doing. In many situations this is most likely not the situation and another explanation may better explain the reason.

Fantasy

It could be they are sharing a fantasy with you and as the fantasy is shed for the reality of having a threesome, they may either loose interest or they are moving slower to make the idea happen.

Friend / Co-worker is bragging about their experience

Unlike 5 or 10 years ago, having a threesome is less taboo. This means people are more willing to talk about the experience and share their experience with their friends or co-workers. When these stories are shared typically the more salacious details are disclosed in order to make it more interesting while ignoring the rest. If this is the case your partner became intrigued with the idea after hearing about their friend’s / co-worker’s experience.

Trust / Opportunities

Your partner may have an enlightened view of relationships and sex. It is possible they have suggested having a threesome as a way to demonstrate that they trust you and they do not want you to feel confined to a relationship. Essentially they want to give you an opportunity to explore your sexuality and develop a relationship with you.

Solidifying the relationship

This can happen early in a relationship. Typically the woman suggests by the threesome in order to show their partner they are sexually adventurous and can be open minded. Normally the threesome is done as a one-off or a few times before the couple becomes monogamous.

Comfort / Security

Your partner may feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. Thereby, suggesting a threesome shows they do not see it as a threat to the relationship and would like to explore the idea. This does not mean that they have fully thought through the idea nor does it guarantee that the threesome will be successful. Instead it suggests a person who feels the relationship is working and would like to do some exploration.

Taking the next step / misread cues

Your partner may have suggested the idea during foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ in the afterglow of having sex. They may have assumed because you seemed open to the idea then that you will be open to the idea now.

Your partner’s view and beliefs about relationships

It may be your partner has a progressive view regarding sex and relationships; by suggesting a threesome they may be communicating to you their ideas of where they want to see the relationship go.

Relationship issues

Normally this is not the case, but if the relationship has become stale or mundane then suggesting a threesome could indicate that it is be sought in order to ‘fix’ the relationship.

Life Changes

A typical time to see this happening, this author believes, is during the ages mid 30 – 50s or when children leave home. Also after a life event that forces some self-reflection and forces a change in behavior.  Finally as we grow older and have different experiences our views change. It is possible someone, when younger, opposed threesomes but as they age their views change. Therefore it is possible attitudes towards having a threesome have changed due aging and experience.

Sees you as their life-partner / soul mate

There is a theory that states, threesomes is a method of ensuring that a relationship endures by giving their partner the freedom to have other sexual partners while doing openly within the confines of their relationship. By providing the freedom to have other sexual partners it minimizes the risk of cheating and helps improve communication thereby helping maintaining the relationship. This is backed up by some statistics that shows approximately 25% of couples who have been married more than 10 years have had at least one threesome. While 25% is well below half, it is about twice as much of the general population thereby suggesting for some couples it does have a role.

As an author, I am well aware of the ethical dilemma studying an issue of threesomes in married life can cause. Since more statistics regarding threesomes are surveys and heavily influenced by how the question is written and who answers the question, I do not put a lot of weight on them.

Regarding the validity and reliability of the above theory, I believe there is some merit to it since life-expectancy is growing. However, as an author, I believe there is a lot more that goes into a successful relationship than having a threesome and I believe it maybe one element, if done correctly and for the right reasons, can contribute to it.

Finally / Conclusion

The above are generic explanations as for possible reasons why your partner might unexpectedly suggest a threesome. It does not mean the above list is an exhaustive list covering all possible explanations. Instead it is means there are many reasons why they may have suggested it; thereby requiring you to think about your feelings on the subject based on their suggestion and speaking with your partner about their reasons for suggesting a threesome before giving a reply. Only by speaking to them and putting into context their reason will you begin to understand their reason for suggesting the idea and by speaking with them about it, will it help to improve your relationship with them. Finally whatever you decide should be based on your beliefs on what you feel is best for you and not what others want.

Anal Sex FAQs


detail of a Shunga(erotic woodblock print)

Anal Sex Basics in FAQ format

How important is foreplay to anal sex?

This author believes it is quite important since it helps to ease any discomfort or pain. It also helps to make the anus pliable for penetration.

How can I get over the discomfort and pain anal sex causes?

The anus and rectum are not designed for sex. This means care needs to be taken not to injure the person. Preventing injury requires care is taken with insertion, the individual is properly relaxed, and the anus is properly stretched. As a result, anal sex is something that requires time, patience, and cannot be done as a ‘quickie.’

How do I relax / How do I get my partner to relax for anal sex?

Provided there is no medical reason try taking a deep breath followed by slowly exhaling. Doing this a few times might help. Another possible technique to try is liberally and often lubricating the anus along with liberal lubrication of anything being inserted. Also, take time with foreplay to get become aroused and try to include some finger play to get the anus to relax. With that said, based on this author’s experience using enema or anal douche are not typically needed to manage discomfort.

Should anal sex toys be used?

From this author’s experience they can enhance the enjoyment. However for those who are just starting out, using toys should only be used once you learn how to manage the discomfort.

What toys would you recommend trying?

For those starting out I would recommend trying a butt plug designed for beginners. Typically they are smaller with a narrower circumference. This type of toy minimizes discomfort and is easily interted. Also I would recommend trying an anal dildo.

Why water based lubricant instead of the other forms of lubrication?

Water based lubricants will not breakdown a condom where others might.

How does anal sex fit into a threesome scenario

Using anal sex in a threesome can occur as a part of double penetration or between two people as the other watches.

What type of communication needs to occur for anal sex?

The couple / threesome needs the ability to discuss what works, what is comfortable, and being able to communicate comfort levels. Without being able to discuss what is working and comfort, enjoyable anal sex will be difficult.

If my husband / boyfriend want to try anal sex does it mean they are gay?

No it does not.

What are some of the risks of anal sex?

There is a small risk of pregnancy from anal sex, especially if vaginal penetration occurs or no condom is used.  Also there is a risk of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs and UTIs (urinary tract infections). Finally there is a risk of injury to the rectum and the surrounding structures (e.g. prostrate – men, bladder, urethra, colon, and vagina – women).