Introduction to threesome communication

What is communication? To answer that question, books, training seminars, and college degrees have been developed around this topic. It is both impractical for this author to go into great depth regarding communication, discuss Neuro-lingustic Programming (NLP) and communication in a threesome situation. Instead, this author will provide an overview of communication in an effort to give couples and those interested in having a threesome a brief understanding of the issues involved.

Communication has two components to it, verbal and non-verbal. Verbal component composes of word choice and their context. The verbal message in communication compromises a small percentage of the total message communicated, less than 30%. For the communicator it is important that the message be concise, understood by the person to whom the message is being communicated, and that the message cannot be confused for another message. Understanding the message requires a similar frame of reference and experiences. This means the person communicating needs to consider the person, their background, and how they may perceive the message.

The remaining 70% + of communication is non verbal. Non verbal communication comprises factors such as body language (posture, changes in position, facial expressions, and body movements), eye contact, environmental factors, and tone of voice. Body language varies a lot by culture and can be easy misunderstood if the message is being communicated to someone who comes from a different culture. If a person is in agreement with your statements generally they will have a similar type of body language to you. However if they are in disagreement they will communicate this non-verbally such as a change in posture, change in positioning, or changes in language. As you speak and listen it is important that you watch for subtle changes to indicate changes in attitude.

Eye contact, especially in the Western World, is very much an indicator of attitude. If eye contact is dropped it could indicate a lie, submissiveness, someone lacking confidence or someone who is introverted. Change in eye contact is a very subtle but very important indication of a person’s feelings. For anyone trying to get agreement on an issue that they have raised it is very important that they make eye contact and watch for changes in contact from the person with whom they are speaking.

Next to body language environmental factors have a strong influence on how the message is interpreted and received. Environment factors include the temperature of the room, how the room is laid out, the size of the room, noise, the color of the room, and any distractions. The environment communicates a lot in regards to the importance of the message, the position of the position including their belief on the issue, and how receptive they are to your response. Choosing the right location can have a demonstrative effect on if your message is acceptable or not.

Finally tone of voice is another influence on the message. Much can be said about how diction is used in a message and it how a message is perceived has more to do with the voice tone than the actual words selected. If you are unsure about the power of voice tone try saying, “I Love You” using a very harsh negative tone and then trying saying “Gee you smell” using a very happy excited tone. What have you noticed? Hopefully tone has an influence on the overall message.

What does this all mean for having a threesome? Body language will indicate:

• a person’s level of comfort with a discussion
• if they are listening to you.
• there interest in having a threesome
• if you are moving to fast / too slow
• level of comfort
• if they are in agreement / disagreement

Furthermore, understanding body language can help indicate if the person is enjoying something, if they are trying to hide something, or if they are not comfortable. Likewise verbal communication will indicate attitude about the subject. The trick is being able to understand both the verbal and non-verbal communication. If you are able to understand both then it will help with such issues as choosing the third person, knowing how to discuss the subject with your significant other, and knowing what is being said is being understood.

It is also important to understand environmental factors such as smell, temperature, mood, room layout, and other environmental factors can influence a person’s perception. This means when planning a threesome and planning to meet environmental factors need to be taken into consideration.

Finally remember a message has many components that need to be deciphered by the people who are communicating and it is easy that the message is misunderstood. Learning to understand, verbal and non-verbal, communication takes a lot of work and it is something that cannot be immediately learned. A lot of learning about communication comes from observing, practising, and learning from mistakes. The more thought and effort that goes into planning the message the more likely that it would be understood. Taking the time to plan your message and checking for understanding will help to reduce the chance that it will be misunderstood.

Related articles

• The Art Of Communication – The Art of Observation (non verbal communication) (pnpdevelopment.wordpress.com)
• Let Me Hear Your Body Talk (brightmindblog.me)
• Verbal and non verbal communication skills (slideshare.net)
• Non Verbal Communication: Courtship, Dating, Mating by Mary D. Moore [MARY D. MOORE] (ecademy.com)
• reading emotions in body language (synergology.wordpress.com)
• Are You Congruent? Communication Stances That Protect The Self But Hurt The Process (laveldanaylor.wordpress.com)
• The Power of a Smile to Move You: Complementary Submissiveness in Women’s Posture as a Function of Gender Salience and Facial Expression (psp.sagepub.com)
• Body Language in General (Alan) (mindoculus.wordpress.com)

Frequently Asked Questions choosing a third person for a threesome

Is choosing a co-worker, a friend, or an ex a good choice for inviting as the third to a threesome?

Generally speaking they are convenient since you know them and you have some type of a relationship with them. However, each poses a risk and the risk normally outweighs any advantage. Therefore, the general rule is co-workers, friends, and exes tend not to make a good choice for a threesome.

Where can we find a third for our threesome?

The locations you can search are unlimited. Probably the most common ones are on-line dating web sites, swinger / lifestyle websites, swingers clubs, munches, dogging sites, and lifestyle parties. Sometimes bars / pubs are a possibility. However most bars / pubs do not cater to this type of activity and your advances may be un-welcomed. Therefore if you do look in a bar / pub be cautious and be ready if your threesome idea is ill-received. Finally some may consider using a “professional” for this type of activity. In most locations, including Vegas, prostitution is illegal and many “professionals” carry STDs / STIs. Plus some may be under-age, they are expensive, and many hotels will not tolerate them. Best advice is forgetting about using a professional due to the risk and cost.

How do we select the third person?  

There is no magical formula for choosing the third person and the choice comes down to your preferences. However the person selected, this author feels, should be someone that is compatible with the two of you and the both of you can agree on them.

I want my partner to select the third person and not interfere?

The decision on how to select the third person is ultimately up to each couple. However, this author feels there is less chance of issues arising and less risk to the relationship if both are active in the choice process. One possible solution might be your partner chooses but you have the last say over the selection.

How much detail should we go into about our boundaries?

You do not need to give an hour lecture on your boundaries and you do not need to go into great depth about them. Nonetheless the information you give should be enough for them to understand your boundaries and respect them.

Once we meet the third person, should we have the threesome the same day?

This is a personal decision that needs to be made by all involved. However some couples, particularly those just starting out, may want to consider a meet & greet. A meet & greet allows all three to meet in public and each to decide on their own before the threesome occurs. Such a situation reduces the chance the wrong decision is made and reduces the chance that there will be regrets later.