Having an uncomplicated threesome


 

Painting by Édouard-Henri Avril: two men and a...

Introduction

Couples are repeatedly told feelings have no place in a threesome where the goal of the encounter is not a long-term relationship (e.g. cuckolding, menage da trios, or polyamory. At first the advice sounds practical, and realistic. However after reflecting more the realization sex and feelings are interlinked is apparent.  This realization makes planning a threesome difficult for those who want to minimize any emotional involvement with the invited third person. In many ways it is similar to a ‘friend with benefits’ relationship. So, how do you have a threesome or a soft-swinging experience without becoming emotionally attached to the third person?

Basics

For starters having a threesome is counterintuitive for most people that require unlearning or modifying some of the ‘rules’ regarding sex. There are some who will say this is easier for men since men can keep emotions from sex but it is not as easy for women to do. However, when it comes to a threesome both men and women are equally prone to the influence of feelings after having a threesome.  A part of this has to do with sex being and intimate experience that creates a temporary bond with the third person and women, generally speaking look for form relationships. This means men tend to look to sex as an act whereas a women look to sex as a way of forming a relationship. In any event, learning how to keep manage feelings after a threesome is crucial if the object is to minimize emotional attachments afterwards.

Bonding

In order for a bond to occur, this author feel, there must be at least a physical attraction and for an attraction to occur there must be some similarity, common interest between three people. The greater the common interests the greater the chance the bond will be strong.

Regarding the threesome, this author feels, the strength of the bond is proportional to the amount of time taken communicating before the threesome occurs and the degree to which all three share common interests.

Strategies – Structural

Strength of Relationship

The starting point of ensuring a threesome does not adversely impact a couple’s relationship is the strength of their relationship. A couple that has a strong relationship, this author feels, has a better chance of a successful threesome than a couple that has a relationship that is struggling. By having a strong relationship, this author feels, a couple can work through any issue that comes up and be more likely not to be influenced by the third person.

Communication with the third person

Having a full threesome or soft-swinging is about sex. This means getting to know the third person is not like dating, it is not about developing a friendship and it is not about knowing their whole life-story. Instead it is getting enough information from the third person to assess their risk to you and to know if there is enough of an attraction to have a threesome. This means communicating with the third person is more detached, in order to protect the couple from becoming emotionally involved with the third person.  Without such an approach, this author feels, the risk of becoming emotionally attached to the third person greatly increases.

Strategies – Boundaries

One Off

One strategy a couple can employ as a part of their boundaries for a threesome is limiting the threesome to a one-time, one-off, with the third person and once the threesome is over then having no further communication with them.

Vacation / Holiday

Another boundary a couple can employ is having their threesome while on holiday/ vacation. This provides the couple a chance to have it and a good chance they will not see the person again thereby limiting any bond with the third person. Again, couple should not maintain communication with the third person after they finish their vacation / holiday.

Distance to travel

Finding someone a significant distance from where you live is another strategy / boundary a couple can employ. Finding someone who is, for example, 50 or 100+ miles away makes it difficult to remain in contact. It also means traveling to them or them traveling to you is an expense and making any meetings less frequent than if they were nearby.

Stranger

A reason for using a stranger instead of a friend, co-worker, or an ex is due to the fact there is not an emotional bond that exists. Choosing a stranger means the ‘relationship’ is new and it can be defined on the basis of the threesome. Then once the threesome is over, the purpose of the ‘relationship’ has been met and it can come to an end. This means from a theoretical perspective choosing a stranger offers the flexibility of developing and maintaining a ‘relationship’ based on the physical enjoyment of sex rather than forming a ‘relationship’ based on feelings.

Third person selection

Instinctively we choose people that are similar to us and share similar interests. Having a threesome means departing from that instinct and focusing on choosing someone based on their fit in the threesome. In this case it means choosing someone who is somewhat dissimilar to us while at the same time choosing someone similar enough where we can have at least a physical attraction to them.  If you were to put this in the context of a dating situation, this author feels, it would be a situation where someone is physically appealing but you do not make an emotional connection due to too much dissimilarity.

Conclusion

Essentially, being able to keep feelings developing for the third person comes down to keeping an emotional distance from them and not developing a friendship with them. This is not as easy as it sounds. However by employing strategies that minimizes bonding and limit the time taken in getting to know the third person, can increase the chance that having that having a threesome without the emotional complications can occur. Likewise, choosing the third person based on physical attraction instead of shared common interests can go a long way in preventing feelings from developing. Keeping feelings out of having a threesome can go a long way in ensuring the couple’s relationship remains intact and provide a low stress environment for the threesome.

 

Threesome myths


Fendi06

Introduction

During ratings sweep it is possible to see a tantalizing article about couples who take part in threesomes and it is fairly easy to find a talk show, covering the topic in some form.  From watching the news, news programs and talk shows it is easy to form an opinion of having a threesome. However do we ask, is this an accurate portrayal or is a perspective being given to get ratings? This author will take a look at some of the perceptions of threesomes and will try to expose some of the myths around them.

Since the couple does not have an open relationship there is no risk to the relationship

Porn movies are notorious for portraying a threesome as a way to have sex without the consequences and no opening up the relationship probably carries less risk. Nonetheless, the reality is any decision, including the decision to have a threesome, carries consequences and having a threesome can impact a couple’s relationship.  The fact that the relationship is no open does not mean residual feelings from having the threesome or by having a threesome it brings up underlying issues. Since there is no guarantee a threesome will work, the best advice is to talk through having a threesome and continue to talk about it to address any feelings that may linger afterwards.

Every man wants fmf threesome

Every man does not want a two woman threesome. A man is person who has feelings, beliefs and experiences. This means not every man wants a fmf threesome because it goes against their beliefs or from their experiences they feel a threesome is not in their best interest.  Those who do have a threesome, most, will have a two male threesome. This is not because they are bisexual or gay; instead it is because a single man is more likely to take part in a threesome than a single woman.

Best choice for a threesome is a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover

While a friend, a co-worker, or an ex lover may work as a choice for a threesome in some limited circumstances. The reality is each one provides their own issues and risks that make choosing them a risky choice. It is this author’s feeling anyone considering a threesome, especially if discretion and privacy is a concern, to look for someone they do not know well.

Having a threesome will add ‘spice’ to the relationship and fix relationship problems such as, stopping my partner / spouse from cheating

Threesomes cannot fix relationship or add spice to a relationship that has become stagnant.  This author feels a threesome can bring issues forward issues that exist in the relationship and weaken a relationship that is struggling. Therefore, this author feels, the best approach is to solve the underling issues and work at developing the relationship before considering a threesome.  Essentially this means a threesome should not be considered as a solution to a relationship issue but as a way to potentially grow the relationship.

During foreplay or during ‘pillow talk’ my partner / spouse express a wish to have a threesome

If you partner / spouse express an interest in having a threesome during foreplay or ‘pillow talk’ then it is a good idea to speak to them outside of the bedroom to clarify their feelings. Just because during arousal or in the afterglow they express these feelings, it does not mean the interest continues. Without talking about the idea during the day it is difficult to know their true feelings and acting on such a statement without understanding their feelings may result in problems for the relationship later.

I am not the jealous type and I do not see having a threesome as being a problem

Until a threesome occurs it is impossible to know your reaction. Having a threesome can elicit a roller-coaster of emotions and even though who do not believe they are jealous may feel jealous once they see their partner / spouse having sex with someone else.

I am the jealous type and should not have a threesome

In most cases being jealous will make having a threesome difficult but it does not mean it will be impossible. If it is possible to talk through the feelings before hand, set a signal to let your partner / spouse know you are becoming uncomfortable or if you can view having a threesome being about physical pleasure instead of emotional bonding then it is possible that having a threesome is not out of reach.  However, if jealousy leads to anger, violent reactions, or conflict then it is advisable to work on the issue of jealousy before having a threesome.

Boundaries are not needed since I want my partner / spouse to experience everything

A couple cannot expect every possible scenario for a threesome and their possible reaction. Having boundaries define the limits of a threesome and give a safety-net for the threesome. It allows each participant to understand what behavior is acceptable and the personal limits each person has.  Even though boundaries will not prevent every possible issue from surfacing; it helps the couple to mitigate any potential conflict, build trust, and be pro-active in preventing possible conflict.

Having a threesome is cheating

In this author’s opinion, having a threesome is not cheating provided the boundaries are not intentionally or recklessly violated. This means as long as the couple is agreement and they adhere to their boundaries, then this author feels no cheating has occurred.

I do not want to have a threesome but my partner / spouse does,  I should agree to have a threesome in order to make them happy.

Having a threesome can bring up powerful feelings and can involve a complex web of emotions. Deciding to have threesome to make someone happy may seem like a caring act in order to strengthen a relationship. However must be asked, what about your feelings? If you find you are opposed to a threesome then it is possible it may bring up other feelings (e.g. feeling of losing self in the relationship, your needs not getting met, etc.) these feelings may have an adverse impact on your perception of the threesome and adversely impact your relationship. Therefore it is important to balance your needs against the need to have a threesome for your partner.

If my partner is agreeable then a threesome should happen fairly quickly

Planning and finding someone that is compatible can take time, especially if it is a fmf. The first step in having a threesome is discussing the idea; however, it can take weeks, months, year, or it may never happen. A part of the length is based on the type of threesome being planned, the issues that need resolving, and finding someone who is compatible.

FAQs about boundaries


Core/Periphery Network

What is the purpose of having boundaries for a threesome?

Boundaries serve at least two purposes for having a threesome. The first purpose it defines the limit of the threesome. It provides assurances that the threesome will not go beyond the define limit thereby allowing trust to occur. Second purpose, by having boundaries it defines cheating. Second purpose it defines how the relationship will handle the threesome. An example is agreeing the decision to have a threesome is mutual and it will not be used against the other in any conflict that may develop.

What is cheating?

Cheating is when a boundary is intentionally or recklessly violated.

What boundaries should we have for our threesome?

Defining a set of universal boundaries for a threesome is nearly impossible since they are specific to the couple and the situation.

Is it better to approach a threesome with no boundaries?

In this author’s opinion, no it is not. Reason being, couples are not be able to expect every possible situation that may arise and by not setting boundaries, it is possible that the unexpected may happen leading to hurt feelings.  If a couple sets some general boundaries it will offer a “safety-net” that the threesome will not go beyond the agreed boundaries.

What makes a good boundary?

  • Boundary must be clear
  • Everyone must have the same understanding of the boundary
  • Everyone should agree to it
  • It should be specific
  • It should be realistic
  • Boundary should not contradict or compete with other boundaries
  • There should not be too many boundaries

Do we need to communicate our boundaries to the invited third person?

The invited person must be made aware of your boundaries and should agree to follow them. This may mean some negotiation on boundaries occurs but for the most part they should stay intact.

If the third person does not agree to some boundaries should we disregard them?

As a couple you should decide which boundaries are essential to allow you to have a threesome and decide which boundaries are not essential. Boundaries that are essential should not be negotiated but those boundaries that are classed as non-essential can be negotiated.

Once we have our boundaries, are they permanent?

As you gain threesome experience it is prudent to periodically check boundaries to decide which ones need to be kept, which boundaries can be discarded, and which ones can be modified.

If we during a threesome we decide a boundary is not right should we discard it?

In this author’s opinion the boundary should stay and then review it after the threesome. It could be the “heat of the moment” is influencing your perception and if you impulsively change a boundary it may cause issues later.

Threesome Terminology


Peter Fendi, 1835

Accommodating:

At minimum accommodating is arranging a location to have a threesome and typically means providing a place for your threesome guest(s) to spend the night. Normally this is the same bed or guest bedroom if the threesome occurs at a home. If the threesome occurs at a hotel then it means paying for the hotel room.

BDSM:

A consensual sexual practice that involves the use of power and control in order to elicit sexual enjoyment for both involved. The acronym covers multiple types of sexual practices that share a lot of commonality. This means each practice is not mutually exclusive and shares common characteristics with other BDSM practices.

B/D – Bondage / Discipline

This practice involves the use physical restraints, rewards, and ‘punishments’ in order to elicit the desired behavior. It can be as simple as using a pink fuzzy pair of handcuffs or as intricate as training.

Bondage:

Involves the use of restraints such as handcuffs and ties

Discipline:

Used to teach “acceptable behavior”

D/S – Domination / Submission:

Cuckolding tends to fall under this heading in cases where humiliation is a part of activity. Domination / submission can involve the use of disciple or S/M; however the structure is about one individual submitting to the will of the other. In cuckolding an example might be the male wearing penis restraint in order to prevent him from feeling pleasure and his wife having sex with other males, called bulls. In certain circumstances the female withholds sex from her primary partner, sometimes for months, in order raise his sexual enjoyment.

Domination:

It is the one in control and directing the play. In a cuckolding / cuckqueaning situation it is the one who is going out having sex.

Submission / Submissive:

The one who is following and in a cuckolding situation it is the one who is abstaining from sex.

S/M – Sado-machoism:

Use of pain, such as whips, in order to elicit pleasure.

Bi-curious / bi-curious:

Term used to describe an individual who has an interest in same sex activity; however they have limited or no experience.

Bareback:

Sex without a condom

Bi-sexual / bisexual:

An individual who is capable of forming relationship with either gender. However their interest in same-sex activity will vary overtime.

Bull:

A term used to describe the chosen male in a cuckold situation. Typically this term is associated with couples that pursue cuckolding along BDSM lines and the bull is the man, outside of the relationship, that is having sex with woman.

Boundaries:

There are two types of boundaries, relationship and threesome. Relationship boundaries are the boundaries that define how the relationship will handle the threesome (e.g. not to use it against the other / accepting it is a mutual decision). Whereas threesome boundaries define the limits and the structure of the threesome.

Cheating Wife:

Another term for cuckolding.

Couple Cuckolding:

A form of cuckolding whereby the experience is not about domination / humiliation nor involving some form of BDSM. Instead it is a mutual decision whereby, typically the female, has sex with someone else alone on a one time or limited basis. Such an experience is arousing for both and something they can both share.

Cuckolding:

Means the female is the one who is taking the “dominating” role or is the one who is having sex with someone else outside of the relationship. This author believes there are two forms of cuckolding one that involves BDSM in particular Domination / Submission with elements of humiliation and another version that follows more along the lines of an open relationship whereby the male partner remains monogamous.

Cuckqueaning :

Feminine version of cuckolding whereby it is the male who takes on the “dominating” role and this form appears to be less common the cuckolding.

Dogging:

A practice that is common in England, whereby a couple has sex in public, typically in their car or in a secluded area. If there are others in the area they will invite someone to watch them or participate. Normally the areas are not well known and tend to be areas that afford the participants some privacy.

DP:

Sexual position used in a mmf threesome whereby one male penetrates the woman’s vagina while the other penetrates her anally. A less typical form of DP involves both males penetrating the woman’s vagina at the same time.

Emotional Monogamy:

Couple remains emotionally exclusive to each other and will have threesomes together. The focus of the threesome is not forming an emotional relationship with the third person and the focus for the couple is the physical enjoyment of sex. Typically couples who want to remain emotionally monogamous to each other will participate in soft-swinging, full threesome, and cuckolding if it is done for as a one-off situation.

Friend with Benefits:

This activity shares common characteristics with threesomes and has been included in the discussion. Friends with benefits is arguably a secondary open relationship and is defined by the friends being able to enter into other relationships. The friendship and sex being about pleasure are the defining characteristics of the relationship. As long as the friends are able to maintain their friendship without developing an emotional attachment the relationship can continue. However, once feelings begin to develop the friends must decide to either develop the friendship into becoming a committed couple or end it.

Full Threesome / Threesome:

Term used to describe three people of legal age and having capable of giving consent having consensual sex.

Hetroflexible:

Term used to describe someone who is heterosexual but has the ability to have limited sexual encounters with someone of the same gender.

Host:

Person(s) making the arrangements for a threesome

Invited third person:

A person not a part of the relationship that is invited to join a couple for a threesome.

Lifestyle:

A term used to describe a couple or an single person that incorporates some type of group sex (e.g. threesome, wife swapping, orgy, etc) into their sexual repertoire. Essentially the practices becomes a part of their lives.

Ménage da Trios:

Translation means love of threes and it is sometimes incorrectly used to describe threesomes. A ménage da trios threesome involves three people being in a relationship together and it is a variation of a threesome.

Monogamy:

A closed relationship whereby sex only occurs between the couple.

Munches:

An event where people who share similar interests in group sex (e.g. threesomes, foursomes, etc) come together to socialize and make new contacts. It is not meant as a venue for sex, like a swingers club, and is meant as a way to meet people who share similar interests.

Negotiated Infidelity:

Is a term that is interchangeably used to describe threesome, foursome, and any other group sex activity. There are some, including this author, who prefer not to use this term since it implies that any form of group sex activity involves infidelity and implies infidelity is agreeable in the relationship because it is negotiated. This author believes that as long as any group sex activity occurs within the boundaries the couple has agreed then no infidelity has occurred.

Off Premise / Off Premise Club:

A gathering / event where the opportunity to meet people who share similar interests in group sex but no sex at the premise occurs. These take various forms such as munches or regular meetings at the same place.

On Premise /On Premise Club:

A venue where group sex occurs, such as a swingers club.

One-Off:

Term used to describe a threesome that only occurs once with the invited third person

Open Relationship:

There are two parts to an open relationship a primary relationship that involves the couple who agrees to open their relationship and normally takes priority over any secondary relationship. Secondary relationship is a relationship whereby emotional attachment is formed with someone outside of the primary relationship. In addition an open relationship can take two forms whereby one remains monogamous and this is typically seen in a cuckolding situation or where both members of the couple form relationships with people outside of the relationship. In order for an open relationship to work and not destroy the primary relationship, it requires a lot of communication, negotiating, and boundaries.

Physical Monogamy:

Couple who do not have sex with someone outside of their relationship. However, depending on their definition of soft-swinging, soft-swinging maybe practiced while keeping the couple physically monogamous.

Polyamory:

Can take on many forms and involve more than three people. However, when it regards threesomes it involves all three being equals in the relationship.

Primary Relationship:

A married couple or a couple in a committed relationship.

Relationship:

Developing a physical and emotional attachment with another person for the purpose of having a sex that goes beyond having a one off or limited sexual encounter.

Reconnecting:

Process by which a couple reestablish their physical and emotional bonds that they shared prior to the threesome. This does not mean their bonds will be identical prior to the threesome. It does mean the bonds will be reestablished but may be different after the threesome.

Same page:

Having the same understanding. Secondary Relationship: A term used to describe a sexual relationship that is formed outside of the primary relationship.

Slut:

Has three definitions: societal, dictionary, and lifestyle. Society’s definition is used as a derogatory term to mean a woman who is ‘easy.’ The dictionary definition implies a woman who has multiple partners and / or multiple relationships at the same time, akin to a threesome, cuckold, menage de trios, or open relationship. Whereas the lifestyle definition builds on the dictionary definition. It used as an empowering term describing a woman who is not bound by society’s limitation and chooses multiple partner’s at the same time. I have seen it used, on occasion,  to describe a woman who has a threesome but more of the time I have seen it used in the context of a woman who cuckold’s her boyfriend / husband.

Soft-swinging:

A male is invited to interact with the couple but intercourse does not occur with the invited male. This implies if a m-f couples invites a female for a fmf threesome where the male watches soft-swinging is not occurring.

Soft-swap:

Another term for soft-swinging.

Split Roast:

A position used in a two male threesome whereby one male penetrates the female’s vagina while the woman performs oral sex or masturbates the other male.

Submissive:

1) BDSM – it is someone who is willing to submit themselves to the direction of another. Failure to comply with the direction given usually results in some form of punishment. 2) Threesome – Someone who is willing to take direction or is less likely to initiate sex. 3) Cuckolding / Cuckqueaning – the individual who remains monogamous while their partner has sex with someone outside of the relationship. Typically sex is either limited or withheld from the submissive individual in order to increase arousal. Sometimes chastity devices are used in order to prevent the submissive individual from masturbating due to their increased arousal.

Swinging:

A term that is applied to various ‘group sex’ activities, including threesomes and it is a term with various definitions. On this site, swinging means a lifestyle choice in which a couple or a single person seeks out threesomes.

Unicorn:

Single female that is interested in having threesome. The term unicorn is used due to the fact they are rare, like a unicorn.

Voyeur:

Someone who watches other people have sex. Typically this is seen in soft-swinging and fmf situations where the male watches.

Wife swapping / wife sharing:

In the context of a threesome this is typically this is done between two m-f couples whereby the f male of one couple joins the other couple for a threesome and typically the other reciprocates.  The purpose, allows each couple to have a fmf threesome without having to look for the elusive unicorn. Alternatively this is done whereby one male takes on a voyeur role watching his female partner having sex with another couple.

Guidance for couples – writing an ad for a threesome


Intro

It is 3:00 in morning, the house is quiet and the two of you want to write an ad for a threesome, how do you it? Hopefully by this point the enough of a discussion has occurred that will allow the ad to be written without further discussions. The ad should reflect your personality as a couple, some very non-specific information about the two of you, along with covering your boundaries and the type of person you want to meet as a third. Essentially you are using words in painting a picture, as a couple, you want from a threesome.

Think before leaping

Writing an ad can elicit many feelings from fear of rejection to sure excitement. It is important before writing the ad some time is given thinking about the type of threesome, the type of person you are trying to attract, and also what each of you brings to the threesome. By thinking through the idea it will help to write the ad, along with increasing the chance that the threesome will be successful and increase the chance of finding a person that is suitable.

Using words to reflect your personality

Very few of us are masters of the written word but when placing an ad being an accomplished writer is not necessary. However, your style and the way you write will attract some people while turning away others. Therefore, the words you choose say something about who you are and it is important that the right image is created. This means taking the time to edit, spell check your ad, and taking a few moments to grammar check it too. Choppy sentences, run on sentences, and sentences with misspelled words can discourage potential candidates from responding. Before writing the ad it might be worth reading through other ads to get an idea of style of writing and what others include in their ad.

Also, it means do not write the ad as though you just took a creative writing class or swallowed a dictionary. Furthermore an ad does not read as though it was written by a well known author from the romantic period in literature nor does it need creative words to be effective. Instead write the ad as though you were confidently talking to someone about having a threesome with the two of you, what would say? How would you say it? What element of your personality would come through to them? How would they describe you as a couple?

Finally as you proofread your ad think as though you were responding to it. read What would you think? What image does it create in your mind about the couple? Is this a couple you would want to meet? If not, then it is a sign more editing is needed.

Non-specific information about the two of you as a couple

This ties with the first part and it is not as essential as the other parts. The purpose here is to provide a reader of the ad insight into the couple and to attract people with similar interests. It is also used to make the author of the ad sound more personable, what you like to do as couple, and approachable.  For example it could be, “… Fred likes to sing and Missy likes to run in marathons,” or might be something like, “… as a couple we like watching movies.” It is important to remember, the information here should not identify you, it should be short, and it should be very generic.

Boundaries

This is a key element to the ad and boundaries need to be included. Providing a laundry list of boundaries or going into details about your boundaries is not necessary at this point. Only a few key boundaries or a very general summary should be included. An example might be, “… Mary enjoys most things but is not into giving oral.” Another example, “We are looking for a male to join us for a straight threesome since Fred has no interest in male on male contact.” Final example, “We are middle the road couple who enjoys most sexual things except anything extreme, which includes water-sports and Roman showers.” Once you get a reply and begin discussing the idea with someone then you can go into more details about your boundaries.

Type of person you want to meet

If the two of you have not discussed this in much detail you may struggle with it. This is the section that will let the reader know the type of person you want to meet and the type person you do not want to invite. Essentially this should work as a filter to help you sort through those you are most likely to be interested in meeting and those you are most likely not interested in meeting. Characteristics you may want to consider:

  • age / age range
  • relationship status (married, committed relationship or single)
  • sexuality (straight, bi, gay)
  • gender / sex
  • someone who is looking for a one off situation or an ongoing situation
  • someone who is able to accommodate or someone who is not able to accommodate
  • body build
  • sexual interests (dp, bondage, any other legal sexual interests)

Summary

Placing an ad for a threesome does not need to be a tumultuous experience. Instead an ad is a summary of your interests in having a threesome along with your limits. It should try to reflect the type of couple you are and the type of person you want to meet. A well written ad  will go a long way in meeting the need and it can provide dividends for the couple by providing them with quality responses to their ad.

Universal boundaries


What are the rules, boundaries, for a threesome? How do I set boundaries for a threesome? Is best not to have boundaries for a threesome and allow my partner to enjoy themselves? All of these are common questions regarding boundaries for a threesome. Boundaries, by definition, are the rules that are implied or agreed that provide the limits for a threesome. It is these limits that allow trust to be formed in order to have a threesome and serve as a way of communicating expectations for the threesome. Without them a threesome would, possibly, descend into chaos and for the couple it could lead to conflict.

Since trust and boundaries are linked it means having a universal set of boundaries is not possible and it means boundaries are couple specific. Does this mean there are no underlying boundaries that most threesomes have? Not necessarily, this author believes there are some boundaries that are necessary to allow other boundaries to be agreed. Implied boundaries are the unspoken boundaries. These are the “rules” the couple develops their time together such as not going to bed angry or talking to each other before a decision is made. Without implied boundaries a relationship would be paralyzed since the simplest of discussions would become protracted discussions and by having implied boundaries a relationship can operate. However, implied boundaries are easily misunderstood since it requires both individuals in the relationship to understand them along with their limits and if an implied boundary is misunderstood then it leads to misunderstanding.

Are there any implied boundaries for a threesome? Yes, such as the decision to have a threesome is a mutual decision made equally by both partners.  Another implied boundary is the responsibility for planning the threesome is shared. However, how the boundaries operate and the extent to which they operate is dependent on the couple defining them. Therefore, a couple should never assume their partner has the same understanding of an implied boundary and they should discuss with their partner on a regular basis their implied boundaries.

This leads this author to the next questions, what about the agreed boundaries? For a threesome to occur this author believes there are a few boundaries that need to be in place for a threesome to occur.  These boundaries either facilitate the discussion or are needed to minimize the risk of conflict afterwards. However, they are not the boundaries that define the limits of the threesome and they are not boundaries that define how the threesome will operate. Typical boundaries to allow the discussion to occur or to minimize conflict afterwards include:

  • Not using the threesome against the other
  • If necessary, agreeing the threesome is a mutual decision
  • Agreeing to discuss the threesome after it occurs and to work through any issues that may have risen.
  • No means no
  • Each person, at any time, has the right to say no to the threesome or any aspect of the threesome.
  • The threesome will not happen until each person is ready and they will go as fast as the person least comfortable with the idea.

Obviously there are more boundaries that a couple can include but they are dependent on their needs along with the type of threesome being planned. In answer to the above questions, the answer depends on the couple, the type of threesome they are planning, and their limits of comfort. Any universal that may exist is only meant to facilitate the discussion regarding having a threesome or to minimize the chance of conflict afterwards.

Planning a threesome – In detail.


Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

Introduction

What do you think of when you hear the words, planning a threesome? It can invoke an image of an erotic experience being deprived of the emotional complications that come from being in a relationship. A threesome, at it simplest element,  physical enjoyment.  For others the image of threesome planning  may invoke a feeling it is for anal-retentive couples who have to plan every detail of their lives and planning a threesome is waste of time because it detracts from the excitement of having a threesome. Whatever image it conjures for you, planning a threesome should not be seen as a negative event. Instead it should be seen as an activity that is shared together bringing the relationship closer together. It should also be seen as a way to help the relationship relationship survive by mitigating the risk a threesome can bring to the relationship.

Defining Planning & Overview of this opinion piece

In order to prevent confusion regarding what is mean by planning a threesome, in this article planning a threesome means examining the idea of having a threesome from various angles in order to reach an agreement, understanding what is going to happen, finding a way to work through any unresolved issues and to cover any issue that may get overlooked. Essentially, planning a threesome is the process brings together any concern, highlights any expectation and outputs a plan to ensure that each person’s interest is addressed. Also it is the map of the journey in having a threesome and how to get there. Therefore, while there is no one way to examine the issue of planning threesome, this article will provide an opinion of a way addressing it by examining a few of the core elements this author feels that needs to be included. Finally it should be noted, this article is not meant to be an exhaustive treatise on the subject and is only meant to provide a rudimentary template for couples to adapt to their situation.

The Basics & Assumptions

By now the initial discussion has happened and there is, at some level, an agreement to explore how a potential threesome might operate. At this stage in this journey, there may be a flurry of emotion ranging from panic due to not knowing what to expect to excitement of seeing your partner having sex with someone else or excitement arising from being able to have sex with someone else. Nonetheless, tempering excitement occurs because the uncertainty that a threesome brings and the beginning realization that if the threesome turns bad then the relationship may end. Such a realization produces mixed feelings and uncertainty, in which taking some time to plan could possibly resolve.

To begin with, before embarking on this activity the couple needs to make their decision based on the right reasons and this will be discussed more in a few moments, see Example #3.  Planning a threesome in a very broad sense is an agreement that dictates how the threesome will operate, how the third person will be selected, and how potential issues will be addressed. It draws on each others limitations, each others expectations, each others concerns, each others desires and fuses them into a plan. Essentially, it provides a framework that the couple can use and it can provide a sense of security since it defines the limits. Second, the plan is something that is adaptable, meaning the plan is flexible so that it can change as more information becomes available. Third, the plan cannot be vague and it needs to have some detail to it. Level of detail needs to be at a level that there is no confusion about what has been agreed. Without having some detail to the plan the risk increases that a misunderstanding will occur. Fourth, it needs to cover the essential aspects of the threesome, the aspects of having a threesome that would create problems if it was not clarified.  Finally any plan must have participants who freely choose to participate without coercion, pressure, or manipulation. It also means that the couple has taken time to consider the risks, included in their plan ways to address the risks, and are nonetheless willing to take them.

360 ° Overview of Planning a Threesome

1)      Fantasy versus Reality and knowing the difference

Planning a threesome in many ways is like being a child in a toy store, there are so many options and decisions to make that it can be overwhelming. At the start of the threesome journey many possibilities can be envisioned with many possible routes there is pressure to do as many possible. By planning the threesome it helps to map-out the route to be taken and what will be selected from the many shelves in the store. This will help the couple manage their expectations and help them have more realistic expectations about the threesome. Below are four examples of how this topic can influence planning a threesome.

Example # 1: One example is the desire to perform DP on the female half of the couple. From a logistical standpoint DP can be very difficult to do and for males it can call into question their sexuality. For a couple just starting out not knowing their limits doing DP might not be the best choice and it may be something that requires a level of trust that needs to be built with the third person in order to allow it to happen. This is example demonstrates DP might be a better choice if the couple decides to return to the store.

Example #2: A couple may have a porn movie image of a threesome whereby it happens naturally and it is a completely erotic experience whereby guys have permanent erection that can hold off hours before they cum and women get instantly aroused when they see more than one erect “cock”.  If this is the image a couple has then their question should be, how realistic is it? This example demonstrates the need to do some research on the subject. By researching the subject it can remove some of the misheld beliefs about threesomes and set realistic expectations about having one.

Example #3: Reasons for having a threesome – Is it the right reason?

While writing this piece where to place was a big struggle for me and ultimately I decided to place here. My reason for placing it here with a title is because this topic falls under the definition of fantasy versus reality. In this sense the fantasy of having a threesome is rooted in the magical thinking that having a threesome is a panacea for all problems in a relationship while ignoring the problems that it can create for a relationship. Furthermore it challenges those planning a threesome to think about the reason for wanting to have a threesome before embarking on the journey to plan the threesome and while planning their threesome each individual should ask them what the reason for wanting to have a threesome is? If the reason is to prevent cheating, add spice to the relationship, feeling pressure to have one, to fix a troubled relationship, wanting to have one because it is a quick way to get “laid, it looks fun in the movies, or being coerced into having one then this author feels the reason to have a threesome may be wrong due to the reason for wanting to have a threesome is based more in fantasy thinking than the realities of having a threesome.

Example #4: Boundaries are not needed and told my partner they can do anything they want in the threesome because I want them to be able to experience a threesome without restrictions:

In this author’s opinion this belief is reminiscent of humanistic ideas like unconditional love. Granted in most cases a parent’s love is unconditional. Nonetheless what happens if the child announces they are gay or is arrested for selling drugs because they are a part of a gang. For some parents there is a limit, even temporary, to their unconditional love. Likewise when it comes to planning a threesome there needs to be some discussion, especially if you are starting out. To say there are no boundaries says, in this author’s opinion, that having a threesome takes priority  quite magical thinking for someone starting out and it demonstrates the lack of understanding of what is involved in a threesome. It ignores that everyone has a limit and this author feels it demonstrates that there is a lack of communication that exists with the couple.

2)      What will a threesome mean for the relationship?

For a couple wanting to have a threesome, maintaining the relationship after the threesome happens and minimizing the negative impact of the threesome is necessary to preserve their relationship. This means asking the above question will help a couple begin to identify areas that they need to examine and it is a question that needs to be asked regularly, as they plan their threesome. By asking this question on a regular basis and asking it as it relates to each part of their plan it can to help identify those areas that may cause problems if not addressed in more detail. Plus by asking this question it will help ensure that both continue wanting to have a threesome and that both are willing to undertake the risk, thereby helping to ensure that this is a mutual decision.

3)      Boundaries

Talking about boundaries for some can be depressing because it means the discussion will slow down the pace in having a threesome and it acknowledges that a threesome can adversely impact a relationship. Starting point for the discussion of boundaries lies in the recognition that having a threesome is a mutual decision in which all share an equal responsibility for it happening. This means that each person is responsible for their decisions, they are responsible for what happens to them, and they are responsible for their feelings.

Also, it is important to remember that boundaries act as a safety net by defining the limits of the threesome, address concerns in order to allow a threesome to happen, and even though there may be some implied boundaries, such as ‘no means no,’ boundaries for the most part boundaries are unique to the couple. Moreover, it is important to remember that agreeing to boundaries is only ½ of the process the other half involves stating your boundaries to the third person. In a two male threesome the invited male can share their expectations / boundaries but with the couple having a plethora choices for potential male invites, if he gets to be too pushy then the couple can easily choose someone else. Unfortunately when it comes to a two woman situation the couple needs to be open about negotiating their boundaries if they want to make it happen and if they do not then they may find that they have a long search. This does not mean that a couple should give up a “must have” boundary for a two female threesome but instead it means they need to understand the less they are willing to negotiate on boundaries then the longer it may take them.

 

4)      Activities in a threesome

Determining what activities can occur in a threesome sounds a lot like planning a trip to a distant exotic country where there is a lot do and experience. When planning an exotic trip some of the excitement becomes tempered when confronted with issues like cost, time, and distance to travel. Like planning a trip to an exotic country, the tempering of the excitement for a threesome occurs when discussing what can occur in a threesome and realizing there are competing demands such as personal comfort limits. This means in order for threesome to work individuals needs to be in tune with their limits, be able to discuss them openly, and being willing to listen to other people’s limits thereby being able to reach a compromise that works for all.

With that said, the best advice for couples that are just beginning exploring threesomes is to keep it simple, do not trying anything too extreme their first time, and stay within their comfort limits. After having a few threesomes a couple will get beyond the thrill of having one and begin to understand where their limits currently exist. If they push their limits too much the individual may find that they are left feeling bad about the experience or may burnout too quickly. For couples who are want to progress slowly or not 100% sure that having a full threesome is for them then they may want to consider a “soft-swing” situation where the invited person participates but no intercourse happens between the couple and the invited third person. By considering soft-swinging it will allow the couple to progress slowly and discover where their limits lie.

5)      Selecting a third person

This has been covered to some extent in a previous article and the same information will not be repeated here. Nonetheless, it is important that the couple begins discussing the type of person that they want to invite and understand, a bit, of the reasoning for it. Talking about the type of person to invite and agreeing to the broad characteristics that the person needs will serve as a template from which the couple will make their decision and it will serve as a boundary from which they will not exceed.  Without including the discussion of what type of person to invite it leaves open the possibility that the wrong person may be selected and by talking about the type of person to invite it reduces the chance that the wrong decisions regarding selection will be made.

6)      Safe word or Signals

Safe word means a word that they couple recognizes but the selected third person does not recognize. Unlike the term safe word when used in a BDSM context to mean a word that cannot be confused with the scene that brings the action to a stop without question or retribution due to a level discomfort. In this situation, a safe word is a word where the couple knows the meaning and the meaning is meant to be a signal. Likewise, instead of using a word to signal something the couple could opt to use a gesture or a behavior to serve the same purpose. The signal could be approval, disapproval, or anything else the couple feels as though they need to communicate to each other. Problem here is if too many words are being used, complex signals, or too many signs then it can create confusion. Therefore it is best to have a very limited number of words or signals.

7)      To accommodate or travel?

The idea of accommodating someone or traveling to have a threesome can invoke different feelings. It can seem natural for some as an extension of being social in order to have a threesome and for others it can invoke a strong reaction of saying ‘no.’ Furthermore, for couples that live in rural areas or are struggling to find a third person to invite this maybe the only solution, other than waiting longer to find someone. Accommodating takes on different meaning for different people and each couple has their own feeling on this subject. In this article, accommodating means having the invited individual spend the night with the couple at their request at either their home or staying in the same hotel room. Whereas traveling refers to traveling a significant distance, greater than 50 miles in order to meet.

The starting point for consideration this author feels is examining the distance traveled to meet, the time expected for the threesome to end, and time demands on all participants immediately after the threesome. Consider such issues include does one of them have to work shortly after the threesome. Will there be guests or children coming to visit? What time the threesome might end or did end?

Another point to consider is what space is available and where they would stay. A logical conclusion would be that they would stay in the bed with the couple. However, the couple may want time afterward to connect, reinforce the idea that they are a couple or that they want to keep an emotional distance from the invited third person. In such a case then having them stay in the bed afterwards is not a good idea. This brings up the idea of having them stay in another bedroom, hotel room, or if sharing a hotel room then having them sleep in a separate bed. Final point would be other ancillary issues like how long would they stay, how would it be signaled that it was time for them to leave, and what items would be available for them to use.

Finally, at least from this author’s perspective accommodating should not occur especially if the invited third person lives either in the same town or within a short-distance, such as 50 miles. Regarding traveling, traveling needs to be done by the invited person unless the distance is great or they do not drive. In a situation where there is a large distance between the couple and the third person then finding somewhere about halfway that is agreeable to both should occur. Additionally this author feels that accommodating is something that should not necessarily be done by couples just starting out because it can pose some issues for them, such as developing feelings for the invited third person.

8) Risks

In a previous article this author addressed the topic of risk and will not restate it. Instead this section will briefly discuss how risk and boundaries relate. It goes without saying that having a threesome, regardless of how well it is planned out or how stable a couple’s relationship is, will undertake some type of risk. This risk can be pregnancy, risk to safety, risk of STD / STI, or risk to their relationship to name a few. Since each couple and each threesome is different it is impossible to develop a universal set of risks for a threesome and how to address them. Instead each couple needs to communicate what they feel are the risks, how they can be address and how they can be either eliminated or significantly reduced. From those discussions the couple can have a plan on how to deal with risks that come up and how to address risk as they happen. This type of communication will underpin and shape how the boundaries develop. Without taking time to discuss risk and understand the type of risks that will be faced leaves, this author feels, the couple vulnerable due to a large area this is missing from the discussion.

9) Writing down the plan or remember it?

Granted the idea of writing down the plan for a threesome, outstanding issues, and points that need to be followed up reads as though the last few pieces of enjoying a threesome is being sucked out. However writing it down helps to avoid confusion, ensures that outstanding points gets addressed and everyone can remember what has been discussed. At least from this author’s perspective writing down the plan and making notes about what has been discussed will help to ensure that everyone is “on the same page” regarding the threesome.

11) Environment

The environment of where a threesome happens is something that can easily get overlooked and where the threesome occurs can have a big impact on its enjoyment. Without having an area where you can have it without being distracted, without being interrupted, and being a place where you feel secure, it will mean that the threesome is not as enjoyable as you expected.  For a couple with children it means that any threesome should not happen in the home when they are there. Beyond the potential safety issue and potential awkwardness it may create for you should your child begin to ask questions, the other issue is that children can become a distraction especially if they are desiring your attention while the third person is present for the threesome.

Along with the logistical concerns other facts such as lighting, color, comfort, and the mood that the room sets all can play a factor. This means taking time to consider issues like temperature and how the room makes you feel.  Another consideration is where it will be happening. This means taking into consideration what is being planned, the size of the area, the size of the bed(s), and any other features that may need to be considered. The area has to be large enough to allow three people to change, interact, clean-up, and have a bit of personal space. Also it means the area has to be large enough so that everyone is not fumbling over the others.

12) Emotional Monogamy / Physical Monogamy

In essence this relates to the type of threesome being planned and the extent to which the couple wants to remain monogamous to each other. Emotional monogamy relates to the level of emotional involvement with the third person or simply put the extent to which a long-lasting deep emotional relationship is formed them them.  This is akin to an open relationship or polyamory. Whereas is Physical Monogamy involves the level of physical involvement with the the third person in the threesome.

12) Debriefing

Debriefing is simply talking through the experience in order to work through any issues, to address any concerns, review the plan, make any changes, and decide the next step for the couple. Essentially debriefing is the final step in which the couple try to resolve any issues that may have come up, decide what worked, and decide what their next step will be. It is important, this author feels, that debriefing happens right after the threesome ends and as a part of the plan the couple needs to consider how close to the ending of the threesome this will occur.

12) Miscellaneous Topics

If you have made it this far, we are almost done with this subject but there are a few loose ends that need to be tied together. One loose end is the question, how long do you need to plan? Each couple is different with different needs, different concerns, and varying levels of familiarity with each other. Planning can be fairly quick if there is broad agreement and the only thing that is needed is clarifying a few points. However if each person has a different idea about how the threesome will look then it may take some time before a common understanding that leads to agreement will occur.

Second loose end is how often does this plan need to be reviewed? Again it depends on the couple and the level of detail. At a minimum there should be three points. One point is before discussing the plan, whereby each individual states their preference. Then work out the plan keep track of what has been agreed and before the threesome happens taking the plan out to go through it in order to see if it is workable based on what has been discussed. Third point would be after having a threesome then reviewing to see what worked and what needs to be improved.

Third loose end regards the level of detail that is needed. Detail helps to minimize any misunderstanding and cuts down on possible confusion. However it is possible to get too fixated on the details where the plan becomes unmanageable and difficult to understand. Therefore there has to be a balance between detail and simplicity.

Fourth before looking for a third person does the plan need to be completed? Answer is ‘no’ but a framework should be in place. At a minimum some boundaries and the type of person to choose should be agreed before any searching happens. Plus as things become more certain then the plan can be modified to reflect any changes.

Fifth is there anytime when the plan should not be changed? This author feels the closer you get meeting the third person for a threesome the plan should not be changed unless it relates to safety or a risk that could have a negative impact.  Reason for stating this is because emotions, not logic, may begin to influence decisions and the wrong decision may be made. However if there is a safety issue or a risk was identified that could cause problems if it did happen then that should not stop the change from being made.  If it does not relate to risk or safety then in most cases it should be left until debriefing to discuss.

Sixth how do you plan for safety? Having a detailed discussion is beyond the scope of this document. Safety, from a threesome perspective, covers at least three areas: personal / emotional, environment, and sexual health. The key is to examine your plan and think about the issues of regarding safety. This could be creating an online alias, insisting on safe-sex, and not giving out contact details until you are confident that a meeting will take place. Also it could be developing a safe-word to let your partner know that you are not comfortable, letting someone know you are going to be out for the evening, or not having sex on your first meet with someone new.

Conclusion & Putting Plan into Action

Planning for a threesome means examining the planned threesome from all possible angles to determine its strengths, it weaknesses, and how to address the needs of those involved. By having, a plan that can be easily adapted to any change will help make a threesome successful. In addition, it means having a plan that is easy to understand will minimize any possible confusion about the plan for the threesome. This means a workable plan will provide a framework for the threesome and help everyone understand the expectations. Nonetheless it will not eliminate all risk of having a threesome nor will it guarantee that there will not be any problems. However it will go a long way to help to protect the relationship and help minimize any problems that may happen. Without a plan that will guide the couple on their journey it will leave them in the dark about each others needs and concerns thereby increasing the chance for misunderstanding. Therefore, a plan can be said is a way for the couple to ensure their needs are met and minimize the chance that it will be misunderstood.

Defining cheating


As children we saw a cheater as someone who broke the rules to win and learnt sex outside of marriage was wrong. Then as an adult we saw a cheater as someone who significantly benefited when they skirted their moral, though not necessarily a legal obligations. However, as we became adults the black and white definition of cheating became diffuser. No longer was cheating black and white as it was when we were children. As we became older and started dating we learned cheating was not a religious issue, it was not a moral issue, but an issue based on definition. We learned cheating was based on applying the context of the situation to our beliefs.

If you were to ask a 100 people what is cheating in a relationship you will receive 100 different answers. This means there is no universal or widely accepted answer for cheating. Instead cheating comes down to the couple’s definition and their boundaries.  For this article cheating means intentionally or recklessly violating the agreed or implied boundaries.

Boundaries for this discussion means, the implied and agreed limits of behavior. This means boundaries become established through repeated interaction and communication. By having established boundaries, it serves as the foundation for the defining cheating and if the boundary is violated then cheating has occurred. This brings up the question what is an intentional violation versus an unintentional violation? Intentional means a knowing or reckless disregard for the boundary.  An example is:

Couple A, Joe & Mary, set a boundary for a threesome that it will be soft-swinging with no vaginal penetration. The threesome occurs and in the heat of the moment Mary allows vaginal penetration. Does this mean cheating has occurred?

The starting point here is the boundary, of no vaginal penetration, and from Mary’s action her behavior clearly violated the boundary. However, without more information, it is possible the boundary may have been an unrealistic boundary that would have been broken.

An unrealistic boundary means the boundary would have been broken because maintaining the boundary would not be possible. It is possible, in this scenario, the couple did not consider the impact of arousal on decision making and Mary allowed penetration to occur because she thought Joe would enjoy it, based on his responses during the soft-swinging experience and Mary thought it was impractical to stop the threesome so that she could speak to Joe about it. Does this mean Mary has cheated?

The above scenario highlights an important aspect of boundaries and the definition of cheating, intention. Using the above fictitious couple lets assume they have another threesome and set another boundary for a full threesome, oral sex is acceptable provided the male does not cum in Mary’s mouth. Nonetheless, during their threesome the male cums in Mary’s mouth, does this mean Mary has cheated?

On the surface it appears that Mary has cheated but there are two questions that need to be answered. First, was the male a quick ejaculater? Meaning, he came too fast to allow her to react and essentially this was an unnecessary boundary. Second what knowledge did Mary have about him being ready to cum and did she have sufficient warning to prevent him from cumming in her mouth? In this author’s opinion the above scenario may mean there was no cheating because there was not intention.

What does this all mean? It means cheating is defined by  established boundaries but it is dependent on the context of the actions of the individual. It is possible that a boundary is violated but no cheating did not occur since the individual’s behavior did not show they intended to cheat. Therefore, in planning a threesome it is necessary to consider the boundary and then consider how realistic that it will be followed in the planned threesome. Without taking the time to consider the impact of a boundary it may lead a couple to put in place boundaries that may make sense but are not practical thereby creating unnecessary conflict in their relationship.

Can a threesome help a relationship?


Imagine this scenario, a couple finds sex is becoming mundane and predictable considers having a threesome in order to add “spice” to their sex life. Likewise another couple  finds sex between them is electrifying and wanting to explore their boundaries. Which one, do you feel is like to have an enjoyable threesome experience that can help their relation? The answer might surprise you.

In order to answer that question it is important to define the word help. Help in this context means either fixing a relationship or improving it. It does not mean being therapeutic nor doe it mean providing a path to find an answer. This means having a threesome as a way for fixing a relationship poses some challenges and risks. Usually if there is a problem in a relationship it means there is a corresponding issue regarding communication. If there is a problem with communication then the likelihood that an important topic is missed regarding having a threesome increase and thereby means having problems due to having a threesome increases.   By having a threesome it can bring up underlying issues that the couple was not prepared to address. Without having the necessary tools, such as communication, in addressing underling issues then there is a high probability that the relationship will suffer. Does this mean the relationship is doomed to fail? No,  but it does mean the couple will likely face challenges that they will need to be prepared to address and without being able to successfully address them then it is likely the relationship will fail.

Does this then mean a couple that finds sex electrifying will be without issues? Again the answer is no. However, it does mean the couple is approaching a threesome from a position of strength thereby decreasing the chance that a threesome will go wrong. If a couple is finding sex electrifying between the two of them, for example, then it indicates they are doing something right. Most likely, though not guaranteed, communication exists and they, most likely, have the right relationship dynamic for a threesome. Nonetheless, there are no guarantees and there still remains a chance that an issue will develop that the couple did not consider. Such issues can include lack of clarity on boundaries and misunderstanding boundaries. Feelings beginning to develop for the third person and underlying relationship issues brought forward. Anytime a couple considers having a threesome they need to do it cautiously and be prepared for any issue that may arise.

Does this mean a threesome cannot help a relationship? No, but it does mean a threesome can weaken a poor relationship and it could help a strong relationship by allowing further development of communication between the couple. Therefore any couple thinking about a threesome need to work through any relationship issue before having a threesome in order to mitigate any issue that could hurt their relationship. If a couple is able to communicate and work through their problems then having a threesome may be something that could help them.

Planning an enjoyable threesome


Introduction

Enjoyable threesome just does not happen. It takes planning, preparation, and communication. Along with a relationship that is solid and making the right choices. This article will examine the requirements for having an enjoyable threesome and also include some pointers on what not to include. Like with any article found on this site it is opinion based on experience and each couple needs to consider the information in light of their situation. As always, remember even the best planned out threesomes can be a disaster so balance the risks of having against any perceived benefit before deciding to have one.

Marketing yourselves

The title of this section is probably causing a few of you to scratch your head and wonder why we need to market ourselves. For some, the idea may sound seedy but it is not. Marketing yourself will help ensure that you attract the type of person that you are most interested in joining the two of you thereby having an enjoyable threesome. Essentially it means letting others know that you are looking for a threesome.

To begin with each of us markets ourselves without realizing it. We do it when meeting someone new, attending a job interview, introducing an idea, and even how your present yourself on a daily basis. Marketing lets people know who you are by tailoring your message to those whom you are most interesting meeting. It means letting people know what you are about, and what you are interested in doing by providing information about yourself. The information ranges from the words that you use, to the clothes that you wear, the interests that you state, your manners, and social skills.

In order for you to be successful at marketing yourself you need to do some research regarding the type of people you are interested in attracting. Using websites to do your research is a good starting point but not always the most reliable source of information. Nonetheless using websites will put you in touch with other people who share similar interests and help you identify sites that cater to your interests in a threesome. Another possible source of information is attending munches, off-premise swingers clubs, or meet & greets to meet other people who share similar interests. Finally you can dive into the deep end by placing an ad for a threesome and then tailoring the ad based on the replies you received.

What to avoid: Be conscious of what you are saying and doing will attract a certain type of person. If for example you are looking for someone that is educated and more refined. It will mean targeting web sites that tend to attract this type of individual; along with ensuring any ad placed would have to be grammatically correct along with no spelling errors and avoiding colloquialisms. Once you meet them it means you would have to be neat in appearance, along with good social skills, and the ability to talk about a variety of subjects other than sex. Do not rush to have a threesome just because you found someone that is interested in meeting you. Instead take the time to decide if they are compatible with you and if they meet your requirements.

Boundaries: Boundaries act as a safety net to ensure the threesome operates within agreed parameters. Unfortunately there is no universal set of boundaries for a threesome and boundaries depend on the needs of the threesome. For couples starting out, boundaries may sound as though it is an unnecessary restriction on their fun. However, an event may occur such as kissing, whereby if a boundary regarding the activity is in place then hurt feelings could have been avoided.

Choosing the third person

Choosing the third person is a critical choice that will influence to a great extent everyone’s enjoyment. There are some out there who feel that if the opportunity presents itself then it must be taken. However that belief has a fallacy. If you are not ready to have a threesome then it is better to wait. Plus if the person is not compatible with the both of you then it is better to say ‘no’ then it is to rush into it.

Before selecting the third person as a couple both of you need to agree on the characteristics of that person and then abide by the decision. Granted there will not always be the opportunity to get the ideal person and sometimes the ideal person may not be suitable. In any event it is important to separate the ‘must have’ characteristics from the ‘nice to have’ characteristics as it is important to develop an image of the type of person you are seeking.

Once you have found that person it becomes even more important that both of you are in agreement on the choice and neither one of you ‘takes one for the team’. Simply put, not agreeing to someone that makes you uncomfortable but agreeing to them in order to make your partner happy.  After you have reached your decision it becomes important to let the third person know of the boundaries for the threesome.

What not to do: Do not rush in to having a threesome without first talking about your selection as it can be quite embarrassing if there is confusion over any issue. Also keep your partner informed of any communication that you may have had regarding the threesome, surprise or unexpected threesomes rarely work.

Venue and planning

Take some time to work through where the threesome will happen and put the appropriate planning into place. Make sure you consider issues such as personal safety, room temperature, enough room for three adults, any refreshments, and being in a ‘kid-free’ area. Essentially, you need to have a place for the threesome to happen that will allow it to happen as naturally as possible without any distractions. Deciding where to have the threesome and planning for it can be as important as choosing the third person.

This also means taking the necessary time to talk through all issues that relate either directly or indirectly to the two of you having a threesome. It is important any unresolved feelings and issues are addressed. Otherwise the threesome may bring them up and make dealing with the effect much more difficult.

What not to do: Do not decide to have a threesome unless you are sure about where. Make sure some effort has been put into planning and planning for the unexpected. If not, what might have been an enjoyable encounter will be filled with issues that need to be resolved. This can lead to lack of interest and the threesome never getting the momentum that is needed for everyone to enjoy themselves.

Another thing to avoid is drama before, during, or immediately after the threesome. It is important that all issues are resolved before having a threesome, each person is in agreement with it happening, and no coercion is used to gain your partner’s agreement. If there are unresolved issues or coercion has been used the third person will pick up on it. This will most likely lead to an unsatisfactory threesome.

Sexual Activities

Before having your threesome make sure it is discussed what sexual activities will be acceptable and what sexual activities are not acceptable. Also take time to talk through any feeling that either you may have about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else. Finally make sure to practice safe sex and that condoms are readily available.

What no to do: Do not perform a sexual activity that has not been agreed or that you are not comfortable performing. Threesomes are about enjoying yourself and not being some sex athlete. It is better to say no then having to deal with issues that it may bring up later.

Conclusion

Having a threesome is meant to be enjoyable. Take your time, work through the issues, decide on the type of person you want to invite, and take the time to market yourself to the right group of individuals.