Planning a threesome: A communication and issues perspective


English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...What does planning a threesome entail?

Questions and Threesome Philosophy

Recently I started thinking about what is involved with planning a threesome, what is involved in having a threesome, and why it is sometimes better not to have a threesome.  I am not speaking about an aspect of having a threesome, such as trying to debunk some of the myths surrounding having a threesome which is common to my writing, but trying to articulate what a threesome can mean.

I am one who believes if an individual in one breath suggests a threesome then in the next breadth begins suggesting people to join them for a threesome deserves anything bad a threesome may bring them. Why? That individual is not thinking through what is involved in having a threesome and may be viewing having a threesome as quick way to get laid with ‘no strings attached.’ My own threesome philosophy is based on believing having a threesome challenges a couple by forcing them to speak about things that most couples do not speak about, having to accept a decision that will forever change their relationship, and deal with the outcome of having a threesome. This means having a threesome will change the relationship, for better or worse, and before undertaking a decision to change a relationship some consideration must be given. In order to arrive at making a decision a couple needs to take time in understanding what it will mean for them. It also means having to ask themselves some very tough questions such as:

  • Can I watch my partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Am I prepared to have sex with someone else while my partner / spouse watches
  • Can I have sex with someone for pleasure without developing feelings for them
  • How will I feel about myself afterwards
  • How will I feel about my spouse / partner afterwards
  • What are the risks
  • What boundaries will I need to feel secure in having a threesome
  • What activities should not happen because I am too uncomfortable either performing them or seeing my partner / spouse performing them on someone else
  • What do we / I need to do to help ensure this relationship will survive having a threesome
  • What do I need to do to support my partner after having a threesome
  • How do we reconnect physically and emotionally after having a threesome
  • What safe-sex practices do we need to follow
  • Where will the threesome occur
  • What type of person will we invite
  • Will there be an impact on my job or my partner’s / spouse’s job if we are discovered
  • How are we going to find the third person
  • How are we going to share the responsibility in finding the third person
  • What are we going to communicate to the third person about our boundaries and our relationship

The above list of questions is not an exhaustive list and the answers will change based on where the person is in the threesome process and their attitude towards having a threesome. This means there has to be some research, some introspection, and some discussions regarding issues surrounding having a threesome along with the issues surrounding the relationship in order to understand what having a threesome will mean. Without having some discussions it leaves a big risk that something has been missed and by missing it the relationship will be adversely impacted.

Communication: Initial Discussion

This brings up the question, how far should the conversations go and how long should they last? The answer is as long as necessary until there is a common understanding, there are no outstanding issues and a common agreement is reached. For some couples it could be a few short conversations due to previous experiences with threesomes and previous conversations. However for other couples it could means a long-time due to issues that arise that needs addressing before having a threesome. Also, this means these conversations continue from the time the suggestion of having a threesome is made until each individual feels they have no lingering issues from having a threesome. Finally for others it means having a threesome never materializes because a common framework could not be established.

At some point these conversations are going to raise the question, are we ready to have a threesome? There is no formula or magical answer to this question. Instead this is a judgement call for the couple. Ideally, this author feels, a couple is ready when they feel they are ready after talking through the issues and feel they have the same understanding, sometimes referred to as “being on the same page,” about the threesome. Once they begin their search they should continue discussing issues especially the type of person to be invited, their boundaries, and feelings that the search might elicit.

Meeting the Third Person & the Threesome: Issues and Communication

Once they have found a potential “playmate,” third person, it will most likely make what was, for the most part, an exercise in finding someone and it will make having a threesome real. Essentially this is the point where the idea of having a threesome is no longer an abstract and intangible idea; now it is quite tangible and real. At this point it is quite likely that they will face some anxiety and uncertainty. Also, at this point time is running out if they want to make any last minute changes to their boundaries or change their mind. As soon a threesome begins they cannot reverse what happens. Therefore, it is imperative if there are any lingering issues or uncertainty about having a threesome they are address, otherwise it will be too late.

Depending on how the couple has planned their threesome there might be some social conversation and social time together with the third person. This can give them a chance to learn about the third person and make their final decision about having a threesome. Furthermore they should expect, at some point, the conversation will change from socially acceptable conversation to sex. Such a change in conversation makes it likely that flirting will occur along with some displays of affection (e.g. kissing and intimate touching). Such a change in conversation and behavior indicates that any initial meeting place be tolerant of such behaviors. Also, it implies that the couple should expect such displays, encourage such behavior if they want the threesome to occur and be accepting of it.

Before the threesome occurs and after getting beyond the social conversation lays a difficult area for inexperienced couples to navigate, the transition. Transition, is the “point of no return,” it is the point where the threesome is about to happen and if it is to be stopped then it needs to occur before it goes any further. In getting past this point certain cues need to be given and accepted. For a couple they need to let the invited third person to know they want to proceed. There are several ways they can do this:

  • They can tell them it is alright
  • Suggest moving to the bedroom or a more appropriate room
  • Some form of sexual encouragement is given that is short of penetration (e.g. taking hand to feel breast).
  • Changing into something more revealing
  • Undressing
  • Playing games such as strip poker

After the couple successfully completes the transition the next phase is the threesome. At this point they are either undressed or in some form of semi-undressed. It is the point where the couple faces the power of their decision. They can be confronted with:

  • Seeing their partner / spouse having sex with someone else
  • Having sex with someone else while their partner / spouse watches
  • Seeing someone else sexually please their partner / having someone else sexually please them
  • Most likely having intense feelings ranging from fear and loss to a high state of arousal
  • Needing to manage feelings in order to keep feelings from overrunning
  • Seeing things that may not correspond to the reality of the situation (e.g. partner being sexually aroused by someone else and that arousal may be due to the threesome and not an attraction to the individual)
  • Possibly smell of sex in the room
  • Having an intense orgasm / watching their partner having an intense orgasm
  • Sexual performance issues
  • Comparing body and genitals with the third person
  • Knowing their partner / them can be sexually attracted to someone else
  • Fear of pregnancy, if mfm or fmf
  • Fear of STIs / STDs including HIV / AIDs
  • Issues of bisexuality

Then after the threesome other issues arise such has managing contact with the third person afterwards and reconnecting as a couple.

Conclusion

Having a threesome means being sociable, assertive, and being an extrovert. It also means knowing your limits, being able to communicate those limits, and being able to effectively communicate with others about their limits. For a couple who wants a threesome it will mean discussing topics that most couples will not discuss in their lifetime together, being faced with a situation that they choose to confront, and it means putting their relationship at risk in order to have a sexual experience. Many couples chose that risking their relationship for a threesome is not worth it but for those who do face uncertainty. The impact of the threesome may not be felt for days, weeks, months, or years. However with enough planning, investing enough in the relationship, and communicating then it is a realistic expectation that a threesome will provide an enjoyable experience. Finally this article shows there is more than enough reason not to have a threesome but for those who choose to take this journey hopefully this article helps to highlight a possible path for you.

Why do we choose full-swap threesomes?


Dessins de Martin van Maele.

Threesomes and group sex have been around since the beginning of time. During the Dark Ages the liberal attitude towards sex was replaced with a drive towards monogamy. Arguably a part of the drive towards monogamy was ensuring the survival of the human race by limiting the number of females that could be impregnated by the same male. Thereby limiting the effects of genetic mutations in the gene pool and providing an increase in gene pool diversity. That drive to keep monogamous practices continues today and makes the world of non-monogamous practices misunderstood. However during WWII things began to change and by the late 60s threesomes along with other group sex practices began attracting attention. It was not until recently television shows and movies are now willing to tackle the topic of threesomes in a more balanced approached. Threesomes are growing in popularity and it brings up the question why do some people migrate towards threesomes?

Before going on it is important to define full-swap threesome. For this article threesome and full-swap threesome means the same. It means three people come together for enjoying the physical aspects of sex and without the emotional attachments that go with it. This means other practices such as cuckolding, open relationships, and soft-swinging are not included as a part of the discussion.

It is this author’s opinion for couple’s the answer can be summed up in one word, relationship. A couple may see a threesome as a way to cure their relationship by adding ‘spice’ to it and ending the mere existence each feel. By adding ‘spice’ some couples feel they will learn to appreciate each other again and rediscover their reason for loving each other. While others feel by adding some ‘spice’ it will keep their partner monogamous and show their partner that they can be sexually adventurous.

Another reason a couple may migrate towards a threesome is based on power in the relationship. In some relationships the power may be held by one person and they may use it to bring about a threesome through pressure, manipulation, or coercion.  Likewise the person who may not hold the power may suggest it as a way to appease their partner or suggest it as way to validate themselves through another person.

Third reason stems from growing the relationship. This may occur in one of two ways. First way it is something the couple may want to do as a way to explore their boundaries.  Essentially, wanting a threesome comes from an organic growth within the relationship whereby trust and communication flourish. Such conditions may lead some couples to push the limits of their relationship to explore other possibility while feeling secure in their relationship. If done successfully it may bring a couple closer together.

Second possible reason, it may be a strategy to strengthen the relationship the long-term by allowing the occasional threesome. Such a strategy allows the couple to invite a third person to enjoy while keeping their relationship intact. In this situation the relationship is maintained by sharing something together.

This brings the author to the side other of the discussion, the single person. For the single person, especially a man, unless their partner is into having a threesome then maintaining a relationship while having a threesome does not typically work. This means there may be other reasons such as the ability to have sex without the issues that goes along with having a relationship. While for others it could be fulfilling a fantasy or being able to have intimacy with individuals of both genders. Moreover this can mean a single person migrates towards having a threesome because it fulfills some need in their life.

When the couple meets the single person it means they are approaching the threesome from two different perspectives, relationship versus need. By having two different perspectives it means information can be lost and misunderstanding can occur. If the threesome will happen then both need to find a common ground in order to meet their competing needs.

Lastly, I am interested in knowing your feelings why people choose full-swap threesomes? Maybe you have ideas as to why threesomes appear being more mainstream?

Simulating a threesome


Introduction

How do you have a threesome without actually having it? Maybe your question is, how do you take small steps that safely allows exploring the idea of having threesome? Answer, there are a variety of ways and this article will examine a few of the techniques available.

Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk:

Sharing the idea as a fantasy as a part of foreplay, during sex, after sex is a great way for creating an erotic encounter or maintaining interest. The great thing about this is it can be spontaneous where your minds can run wild, it is easy for each person to maintain their comfort zone and it does not require a lot of preparation. A major drawback, it is easy for the line between fantasy and reality to become blurred. Unless the discussion shifts from fantasy to discussing the making it a reality during the ‘cold-hard light of day’ then assume the idea remains a fantasy.

Watching Porn

At first I debated if this should be included in the ‘Fantasy Sharing / Pillow Talk,’ section and I decided to make its own section. Watching threesome porn, this author feels, is a great way to share the fantasy and if the couple chooses, us it as a way to start the discussion about having a threesome. Also, it can serve as a way to get new techniques and ideas for fantasies. It is important to remember porn is fantasy that shows professional actors acting about a threesome fantasy. This means it is unrealistic to expect a real threesome to be similar to a porn movie.

Role Playing

Role playing a threesome essentially is simulating the idea of having a threesome as real for the couple as possible. Before the role play starts a safe-word, a word that could not be confused as a part of the act, should be chosen and used to stop the role play if it becomes too uncomfortable for a participant. Next step involves the role-play itself. It can be as simple as a fantasy description during foreplay using toys or fingers to simulate the third person. On the more elaborate side, it can be an elaborate play whereby the couple develops a scene. The scene can be the woman going into a bar flirting with another guy while her partner watches from a distance or it can be her male partner pretending to be someone else who seduces her without her husband knowing about it. It is important to note, if the scene involves people who may unknowingly participate it can cause problems and potentially put safety at risk. Finally even though simulating a threesome may be arousing actually having one maybe different. Therefore, it is always to important to remember there is a difference between the fantasy of having a threesome and actually having a threesome. The difference lies in the fact during the fantasy each participant remains in control of what happens but during a real threesome the ability to control the situation, to a great extent is lost, since the outcome is dependent on the third person’s interaction with the couple.

Sex Toys

Sex toys provide a great way to explore the idea of having a threesome without actually having one. They can be used in conjunction with role playing or used on their own. This is one area where creativity and imagination can be limitless.

Lap Dancing Club

Attending a lap dancing club is another way to simulate having a threesome but be prepared to be charged money. By attending a lap dancing club the sex is simulated and usually with the client not being able to touch the dancer. It can give a powerful visual representation of what a threesome might be like but again it is not a real threesome.

Swingers Club

There is a misrepresentation that you must participate if you go to a swingers club and generally speaking it is not the case. Attending a swingers club to meet people and to watch can provide a perspective that may not be open to you. It can provide some insight and make having a threesome as real as possible without actually having it. With that said, it is important to agree to boundaries before going and be prepared if approached to politely, yet assertively, tell people that you are not looking to play that evening. If you are not comfortable telling people ‘no’ then you may find putting yourself and / or your partner in a situation that they would rather not find themselves. Finally before going for your first time it is recommended to contact the club. They will advise you and arrange for you to join. Normally a swingers club will charge a membership fee. Usually the fee is to meet legal requirements along with attracting the type of clientele they want.

Soft-swinging

As an author, I debated if I should include soft-swinging since it involves another person. However after much though I decided to include it since it does not involve having sex with the third person and in my view, soft-swinging is the closest the couple can have simulating a threesome without it actually occurring. Soft-swinging by definition means sexual activity does occur but penetration does not. This can be anything from having someone watch you having sex to kissing, fondling with clothes all the way to rimming. As a technique for simulating a threesome soft-swinging can provide a transition for a couple wanting a full-swap threesome but is not ready for it. Likewise for a couple who wants to remain monogamous to each other then soft-swinging can provide the best of both worlds, the ability to have a limited threesome while remaining monogamous to each other.

Posting Pictures on amateur sites:

Nothing can be more exciting than taking a few suggestive then posting online and then reading the comments. The comments then can serve as fuel for further fantasies, give further ideas, and add a few sparks back. If you are going to do the above then ensure the whole process is transparent (e.g. user name, password, and all information is accessible) and boundaries are agreed about how far the experience will go. It is easy to to get ‘taken-away’ by the moment and go further then you might be willing to go.

Web Cam

Some may remember when web cams first came out, the issues with video streaming and having the computer recognize the camera. With web cams becoming inexpensive, high speed broadband, and faster processors the problems with web cams have been resolved. For a couple that wants the experience of having a threesome without the STD / STI then “camming” provides an alternative. Probably the biggest drawback, in this author’s opinion, for “camming” is the risk of being discovered or your computer being hit by a virus. The latter can be reduced by using good internet security software, using reputable sites, and practicing safe internet surfing habits.

Conclusion

The above does show there is a way a couple, who may want a threesome but is reluctant to have a full-swap, can explore their interest without actually having a threesome.  Each option has its advantages, disadvantage, and risks; however, it is up to each couple to decide which one(s) suits them the best.

Understanding the basic difference between wife swapping and threesome


One of the illustrations of Gamiani, or Two Ni...

 

Deciding to have a group sex experience is a lot being an older child in a toy store. Being older the toy store is still exciting and you want to explore everything. However, at this age there is a realization that some toys are not appropriate for you and other toys you have no interest. So, choosing involves an elimination process that ultimately results in you buying a toy that meets your needs. Choosing between having a threesome or a wife swapping experience involves the same type of elimination process in order to find the group situation that meets your needs as a couple.

 

The starting point for each type of group sex experience starts out the same. Both involve having the initial discussion, setting boundaries, and spending time getting to know each other. Then as everyone begins knowing each other the decision is made, either have the experience or remain being friends. However the difference lies in the dynamics each presents.

 

Wife-swapping, or sometimes known as a foursome, typically involves two couples that have an open swap or a closed swap. An open swap means sex occurs in the same room. This can be a combination of all four interacting with each other or some form of pairing off occurring in the room. When the word foursome or wife-swapping is mentioned open swap is typically the image that is generated.

 

Open swap provides each couple a chance to still be with each other, provides a level of safety, and to say something if they become uncomfortable with situation. Also an open swap allows for the possibility several different sexual activities to occur including bisexual activity and voyeur activity too. Finally it allows each couple to remain together.

 

Whereas a closed swap means there is some type of pairing off and sex occurs in different rooms. This tends to border more on an open relationship, especially if the foursome is ongoing. Also, in this author’s opinion, it means a high-level of trust, communication, and respect must exist.

 

In comparison a full-swap threesome will involve the couple and the invited third person being in the same room.  For the couple it is about sharing the experience and being a team. Likewise for the invited third person it is having the experience.

 

The question arises, what is the best choice for a couple looking to have their first group sex experience? Answer comes down to what the couple wants and what they feel is in their best interest. A threesome, from a relationship dynamic standpoint, is easier due to less people involved and less communication that needs to occur. This means, in theory, it is easier to manage. Also, if it is a mfm threesome then it is most likely easier to arrange and will take to less time to arrange.

 

In contrast, an open swap foursome offers more variations than a full-swap threesome. Though, it can be more emotionally intense since there are more people involved. However, it can take longer to meet a compatible couple. Whereas a closed swap is in contrast to a threesome or an open swap since sex between the paired off couples occurs in different rooms, quite possibly different locations (e.g. different hotel rooms). This means there is a loss of variety but it does open up the opportunity to be less inhibited due to your partner not being in the same room. Also it means having sex can be more intimate and a chance to do some exploring.  Finally in a closed swap it means the experience becomes less of a team experience and more of an individual experience.

 

This means in answer to the question, the couple needs to make several determinations for themselves such as team experience versus individual and variety versus intimate. Only be exploring their needs on an individual and exploring their needs on a couple’s basis will they be able to determine which experience will fit them the best.

 

 

 

FAQs regarding soft-swinging


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What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

Introduction to threesome communication


Symbol Table for Non Verbal communication with...

What is communication? To answer that question, books, training seminars, and college degrees have been developed around this topic. It is both impractical for this author to go into great depth regarding communication, discuss Neuro-lingustic Programming (NLP) and communication in a threesome situation. Instead, this author will provide an overview of communication in an effort to give couples and those interested in having a threesome a brief understanding of the issues involved.

Communication has two components to it, verbal and non-verbal. Verbal component composes of word choice and their context. The verbal message in communication compromises a small percentage of the total message communicated, less than 30%. For the communicator it is important that the message be concise, understood by the person to whom the message is being communicated, and that the message cannot be confused for another message. Understanding the message requires a similar frame of reference and experiences. This means the person communicating needs to consider the person, their background, and how they may perceive the message.

The remaining 70% + of communication is non verbal. Non verbal communication comprises factors such as body language (posture, changes in position, facial expressions, and body movements), eye contact, environmental factors, and tone of voice. Body language varies a lot by culture and can be easy misunderstood if the message is being communicated to someone who comes from a different culture. If a person is in agreement with your statements generally they will have a similar type of body language to you. However if they are in disagreement they will communicate this non-verbally such as a change in posture, change in positioning, or changes in language. As you speak and listen it is important that you watch for subtle changes to indicate changes in attitude.

Eye contact, especially in the Western World, is very much an indicator of attitude. If eye contact is dropped it could indicate a lie, submissiveness, someone lacking confidence or someone who is introverted. Change in eye contact is a very subtle but very important indication of a person’s feelings. For anyone trying to get agreement on an issue that they have raised it is very important that they make eye contact and watch for changes in contact from the person with whom they are speaking.

Next to body language environmental factors have a strong influence on how the message is interpreted and received. Environment factors include the temperature of the room, how the room is laid out, the size of the room, noise, the color of the room, and any distractions. The environment communicates a lot in regards to the importance of the message, the position of the position including their belief on the issue, and how receptive they are to your response. Choosing the right location can have a demonstrative effect on if your message is acceptable or not.

Finally tone of voice is another influence on the message. Much can be said about how diction is used in a message and it how a message is perceived has more to do with the voice tone than the actual words selected. If you are unsure about the power of voice tone try saying, “I Love You” using a very harsh negative tone and then trying saying “Gee you smell” using a very happy excited tone. What have you noticed? Hopefully tone has an influence on the overall message.

What does this all mean for having a threesome? Body language will indicate:

  • a person’s level of comfort with a discussion
  • if they are listening to you.
  • there interest in having a threesome
  • if you are moving to fast / too slow
  • level of comfort
  • if they are in agreement / disagreement

Furthermore, understanding body language can help indicate if the person is enjoying something, if they are trying to hide something, or if they are not comfortable. Likewise verbal communication will indicate attitude about the subject. The trick is being able to understand both the verbal and non-verbal communication. If you are able to understand both then it will help with such issues as choosing the third person, knowing how to discuss the subject with your significant other, and knowing what is being said is being understood.

It is also important to understand environmental factors such as smell, temperature, mood, room layout, and other environmental factors can influence a person’s perception. This means when planning a threesome and planning to meet environmental factors need to be taken into consideration.

Finally remember a message has many components that need to be deciphered by the people who are communicating and it is easy that the message is misunderstood. Learning to understand, verbal and non-verbal, communication takes a lot of work and it is something that cannot be immediately learned. A lot of learning about communication comes from observing, practising, and learning from mistakes. The more thought and effort that goes into planning the message the more likely that it would be understood. Taking the time to plan your message and checking for understanding will help to reduce the chance that it will be misunderstood.

Reconnecting after a threesome


Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

The threesome just ended and you are feeling thrilled that you survived without stopping it and without feeling crushed. In a way you feel as though you have just joined an exclusive club and you feel proud that you have earned your membership key. Later, as you begin to come down from your ‘adrenaline high’ the scenes of the threesome begin to replay in your mind; some of those scenes begin eliciting feelings and you wonder if you can ever feel the same about your partner again. Scene after scene continue to play and you begin to feel distant from your partner, what are you to do?

Reality is the above scenario does not always occur. It can feel couples who may have rushed it, who may have not fully discussed having a threesome, or may have been unprepared for the feelings having a threesome can elicit. The answer, this author feels, lies in finding a way to reconnect with your partner. Reconnecting is the way of restabilising the bond shared between the two of you and not allowing feelings about the threesome or the invited third person impact your relationship.

Starting point understanding memories and how they can influence your feelings. Reality is memories are not photographic snapshots that remain with us unchanged. A memory is influenced by time, by feelings, perspectives, and where our attention is focused, for example. It is also influenced by questions we are asked, our relationship with that person asking the question, and our feelings at the time. This means memories can be influenced and it means we cannot recall an event with great accuracy. A good example of this is a crime being witnessed by several people who give different accounts of the same scene. More specifically, it means after a threesome our perception of what occurred and our feelings towards it is influenced by many events including time.

Now, take into account your own person views about threesomes before having it, your viewpoint about threesomes after it occurs, your religious view, your views about relationships, your feelings about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else and your feelings about the third person. When you take into account the above views with your memory of the situation it is easy to understand how your view of events transpired. Therefore it is important remembering how react in the hours and days after threesome based on our memories of it will impact us.

In this author’s opinion, the next step is accepting the threesome occurred and that it was a mutually agreed event. Thereby preventing any blaming your partner for wanting the threesome and you were innocently going along to please them or you went along to prevent them from cheating.

The third step is finding some time when the two of you can be alone. Ideally, the sooner this occurs after the threesome the better, this author feels. Avoiding your partner after a threesome is not productive and it leads to, this author feels a weakening of the relationship occurs through lack of communication. Furthermore finding time when the two of you are alone gives both of you the chance to discuss anything that might pose a problem or causing hurt feelings. It also gives both of you a chance to connect again.

Connecting, when the two of you are alone, involves the process of moving from the threesome and continuing with your relationship. This could mean going out together, sharing an activity together other than sex, or it could mean spending quiet time snuggling in front of the television watching a movie together. It also means finding a way for your partner to feel comfortable with what occurred. For this to occur it might mean being supportive, being positive, talking instead of arguing, and find a way to move the relationship forward. Likewise for you it means finding a way to be comfortable with the the threesome that occurred. Moreover it means not letting any negative feelings from the threesome adversely influence the way the two of you relate to each other. Whatever the two of you do together, it means taking the time to rebuild and strengthen the bonds that you share.

Final step, is deciding what your next step about having a threesome and exploring other sexual practices. At this stage the decision is made, at least for the near future, if another threesome will occur or if as a couple, you will