Tag Archives: bi-sexual

We All Follow a Different Path

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions by

Fendi06

Intro

After reading this article I began thinking. At first it confirmed a lot, what I believed, about the route to a threesomes. However, the more I thought about it I began realising there is another step before starting the journey of having a threesome and it is the journey to arrive at having a threesome. As I thought about it, I realized two important points. First point, I believe, there are common drivers that brings a couple or individual to have a threesome. Second point, I believe, the rate each person progresses from having thinking about the idea to actually having one is different. Then as I began writing this article, I realised, the length of the journey each is influenced by their driving influence for the journey. In this article I will explore each of these points.

Journey’s First Steps

Intro

Each journey begins with a reason to start. For each couple or individual the reason may appear unique to them; however, I believe, there are some common reasons that I will explore in this section. Each section contains a description of the length of journey. This refers to how long the interest in having a threesome lasts once the first threesome occurs and this means it does not mean how long it takes from initial discussion to have a threesome.

Journey Reasons

Different / Curiosity (Journey length: short)

Curiosity is a good driver for a journey but it is not always a solid guide. Sometimes friends share their threesome experience, we read about a threesome experience that gets us aroused, or the idea intrigues us. Regardless of the reason, we are all intrigued by things that things that spark our interest that make us want to explore and with threesomes getting more positive media attention, it is no wonder more interest is sparked. However, having an interest does not mean you have a map and it may mean driving in the dark. This can lead to unnecessary detours, collisions, and wrong-turns along the way. For some they may get lost along away and others may lose interest, especially if they do not have clear directions or some other reason to continue on their journey. At least for me I see a couple / individual under this heading as having it on their bucket list of to do and unless there is a strong interest to continue, once the novelty wears off then it is likely the couple / individual will stop having a threesome.

Meets a need (Journey length: can be either short or long)

For this article I am not going to get into the discussion if humans are meant to be monogamous. Instead this means, everyone of us has a need and sometime having a threesome can meet that need. In this situation, I am not talking about using a threesome to prevent cheating or using a threesome to fix something in the relationship. .Need, in this context, means a sexual need that one person cannot fulfil. Such situations can include a busy individual who does not have time for a relationship due to commitments, someone who has had previous open relationships, or someone who is in relationship that is either bisexual or gay. This means having a threesome has some function in the relationship in order to maintain it and to allow it to grow.

Organic Growth / Relationship Development (Journey length: can be short or long)

This is different than curiosity in the sense that curiosity has an element of randomness, impulsivity, and uncertainty. Whereas organic growth implies a threesome that comes about due to the relationship developing and it being the next step in the relationship. Normally, I feel, this tends to be seen in couples that have been around a while and have been building up to this point through their exploration together.

Pressure / Coercion / Manipulation (Couples only – Journey length: typically short)

Generally speaking a threesome should only happen, this author believes, where there is an equal distribution of power in the relationship and the relationship is stable. Under this heading the threesome journey comes about due to balance in the relationship favouring one person over another to the point where they can exert influence to produce the result that they want. Usually these threesomes tend to be short term due to problems in the relationship.

Misunderstanding / Fallacy (Journey length: typically short)

This is a catch-all category for those who believe that by having a threesome it will solve a problem, such as lack of interest, or it is a quick way to get ‘laid.’ In this situation the individual or couple will approach the threesome based on that fallacy only to discover it is not the panacea that they were expecting.

Impulsivity (Journey length: typically short)

This is another catch-all category for decision made while drunk, high, or made on the spur of the moment. Impulsivity happens when a decision to have a threesome is made very quickly, without allot of information, and it can be a risky situation.

Infidelity (Couples only – Journey length short or long)

After an act of infidelity occurs sometimes a couple will choose to have a threesome. The reason for wanting a threesome may be the result, after some healing, a realization a need was not being met, the idea of their partner being with someone else is arousing to them, or it could a way of healing by coming to terms with what happened.

Speed

Intro

This section may be a bit misleading since it refers to the route that is taken in having a threesome rather than the time it takes from initial to discussion to actually having the threesome.

Baby Steps

Baby steps refers to talking small calculated steps in having a threesome. A route could be discussion > role playing > soft-swinging > threesome. It may be taken by couple / individual that needs to get comfortable with the idea and takes gradual step in order to reach their goal of having a threesome.

Discussion

A lot of discussions about the subject occurs before any definitive steps are taken.

‘Diving into the Deep End’

Very little discussion occurs before the threesome happens.

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Evolution of a threesome relationship to an open relaitonship: Relationship structure, Multi-partner relationships, and Communication

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions by

Most of my writing regarding threesomes have focused on having a full-swap threesome, which is most peoples’ idea of a threesome. Nonetheless there is another aspect of having a threesome, the “open relationship.” Many people will wrongly confuse having a full-swap threesome with open relationship. Generally speaking, this perception is wrong; nonetheless, a threesome can involve into an open relationship. This article will explore how this can happen while looking at the potential risks and potential benefits.

To help put things into context let us assume there is a couple George and Martha who have been married for 25 years and after their youngest leaves for university decide to push the boundaries of their relationship. As a part of their exploration they decide to have a threesome with Mark, who is similar and age to them. They “hit it off” and the threesome they have is quite good. George enjoyed seeing Martha being please by another man and found it as validation of his wife’s desirability. After all of them having a good time then decide to meet again. It now raises the question is this an open relationship?

The answer to this, it depends. If for example George and Martha invite Mark back as a couple for another threesome then it is not an open relationship. Reason being both George & Martha are doing this as a couple and they are keeping their relationship emotionally monogamous. However, if they continue having threesomes with Mark whereby either George or Martha begins developing feelings for Mark then the question becomes how do they approach it? If the threesome relationship continues to develop into a polyamourous relationship, in this case sometimes referred to as a ménage de trios then it has developed into open relationship. Likewise if George and Martha decides to allow Martha to have sex along with Mark, such as cuckolding, then it would also be considered an open relationship.

Taking this a bit further what does it mean for George and Martha? If they are polyamorous route whereby Mark becomes an equal part of their relationship then it will mean, at a minimum, discussions about boundaries (e.g. how Martha will divide her time), how George and Mark will interact (e.g. will there male on male contact?) dealing with issues of jealousy, and devoting a lot of time to communication. Communication at this level is goes beyond basic social conversation that involves discussions regarding feelings, issues, and solving problems as they arise. This means for all three they must be able to communicate with each other, be assertive, and to be able to meet their needs while being able to meet the needs of the other two. Essentially this means each of them will have to invest a lot of their time into maintaining the relationship.

In contrast, if George and Martha opt for an open relationship where Martha is allowed to see Mark on her own then the question for them are they opting for a cuckolding relationship or a true open relationship. If the former is the case then it most likely means George will remain emotionally monogamous to Martha while she forms an emotional attachment to Mark. It also means that George and Martha will have to agree on boundaries and limits to this activity. Whereas, if the latter is their decision then Mark essentially becomes a secondary relationship for Martha. This will then mean for them they will have to agree if George is also able to pursue someone else outside of the relationship, agree on the ability to spend the night with their lovers, and communicate in order to address issues as they come up.

From a relationship risk stand point, a threesome relationship that continues can provide additional demands on the relationship in particular a greater need to communicate to address issues as they arise along with the risk of forming emotional attachment to the invited third person. Without communication including discussing issues as they are arise it is likely the couple will miss something that will adversely impact their relationship. Therefore it is important after every threesome that the couple work the any issues that arise, discuss their feelings including their feelings towards the invited third person, and discuss their next step. Without taking these basic steps the couple may put their relationship at risk.

Understanding the basic difference between wife swapping and threesome

Posted in Miscellaneous, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesomes by

One of the illustrations of Gamiani, or Two Ni...

 

Deciding to have a group sex experience is a lot being an older child in a toy store. Being older the toy store is still exciting and you want to explore everything. However, at this age there is a realization that some toys are not appropriate for you and other toys you have no interest. So, choosing involves an elimination process that ultimately results in you buying a toy that meets your needs. Choosing between having a threesome or a wife swapping experience involves the same type of elimination process in order to find the group situation that meets your needs as a couple.

 

The starting point for each type of group sex experience starts out the same. Both involve having the initial discussion, setting boundaries, and spending time getting to know each other. Then as everyone begins knowing each other the decision is made, either have the experience or remain being friends. However the difference lies in the dynamics each presents.

 

Wife-swapping, or sometimes known as a foursome, typically involves two couples that have an open swap or a closed swap. An open swap means sex occurs in the same room. This can be a combination of all four interacting with each other or some form of pairing off occurring in the room. When the word foursome or wife-swapping is mentioned open swap is typically the image that is generated.

 

Open swap provides each couple a chance to still be with each other, provides a level of safety, and to say something if they become uncomfortable with situation. Also an open swap allows for the possibility several different sexual activities to occur including bisexual activity and voyeur activity too. Finally it allows each couple to remain together.

 

Whereas a closed swap means there is some type of pairing off and sex occurs in different rooms. This tends to border more on an open relationship, especially if the foursome is ongoing. Also, in this author’s opinion, it means a high-level of trust, communication, and respect must exist.

 

In comparison a full-swap threesome will involve the couple and the invited third person being in the same room.  For the couple it is about sharing the experience and being a team. Likewise for the invited third person it is having the experience.

 

The question arises, what is the best choice for a couple looking to have their first group sex experience? Answer comes down to what the couple wants and what they feel is in their best interest. A threesome, from a relationship dynamic standpoint, is easier due to less people involved and less communication that needs to occur. This means, in theory, it is easier to manage. Also, if it is a mfm threesome then it is most likely easier to arrange and will take to less time to arrange.

 

In contrast, an open swap foursome offers more variations than a full-swap threesome. Though, it can be more emotionally intense since there are more people involved. However, it can take longer to meet a compatible couple. Whereas a closed swap is in contrast to a threesome or an open swap since sex between the paired off couples occurs in different rooms, quite possibly different locations (e.g. different hotel rooms). This means there is a loss of variety but it does open up the opportunity to be less inhibited due to your partner not being in the same room. Also it means having sex can be more intimate and a chance to do some exploring.  Finally in a closed swap it means the experience becomes less of a team experience and more of an individual experience.

 

This means in answer to the question, the couple needs to make several determinations for themselves such as team experience versus individual and variety versus intimate. Only be exploring their needs on an individual and exploring their needs on a couple’s basis will they be able to determine which experience will fit them the best.

 

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FAQs regarding soft-swinging

Posted in FAQ, Types of threesomes by

masturbation b

What is soft-swinging?

The term soft-swinging implies that the couple involves someone else with them when sex occurs between them. However the involvement of the third person is limited to no oral or penetrative sex. This means in most situations woman on woman activity is not included in the definition and the role of the third person includes a voyeuristic element to it.

Does the definition include all male on male activities?

The definition does allow for mutual male masturbation and incidental contact between the males, provided no oral or penetrative sex occurs in the threesome.

What female on female activity does the definition include?

The definition includes kissing, touching, caressing, breast play, mutual masturbation and not involving toys or a strap-on.

How come you have excluded most female on female activity from the definition?

This author believes a strong argument can be made that female on female activity by definition is soft-swinging since it is impossible for penetrative sex without the aid of a toy. However, this author goes beyond the mechanics and looks at the broader picture. If penetration is occurring, regardless if it is a toy or a penis, then it is sex.

Are there any advantages of soft-swinging over a full swap?

The term advantage is perceptual and depends on the planned situation and definition of soft-swinging being used. Arguably soft-swinging may offer a lower risk of STD / STI, may offer a lower risk of pregnancy by the third person, preserves monogamy, and it can give the couple a group sex experience without having sex with the third person.

 Are there any disadvantages to soft-swinging?

Again the response depends on the definition of soft-swinging and the planned situation. Some possible disadvantages may include feeling sexually frustrated due to sex with the third person did not occur, feeling pressure to have a full-swap, and inviting a third person to participate in sex brings up further issues.

Does safe-sex need to be practiced in a soft-swing situation?  

Yes, since safe-sex is more about protection from STDs /STIs than pregnancy. For example, herpes and HIV / AIDs do not require intercourse or oral sex to be transmitted. Instead it requires a person come into contact with the infection and the infection to be transmitted through an unprotected barrier.

What positions work in a soft-swing situation?

Since the third person does not have sex with the couple and only take on a voyeur role, when it comes to sex, then question applies to couple. Generally speaking any position works. However, if the goal is ‘give a show’ for the third person then doggie-style, big dipper, or fusion may be positions to consider.

How can we incorporate the third person?

The response depends, to a large extent, on the needs of the couple and their limits. Inviting someone to watch can be quite erotic. However, if you are looking to incorporate them then there a lot of options:

Two Males

  • Mutual masturbation in order to arouse the woman, to arouse each other, and to provide a sexual release for the third person.
  • Invited male caressing the woman and / or giving her a message
  • Invited male caressing her breasts, sucking and playing with her nipples.
  • Invited male kissing the woman
  • Woman masturbating her partner in front of the third person
  • Woman masturbating the invited male
  • Woman having sex with her male partner in front of the invited third person

Two Women

  • Invited woman masturbating the male
  • Invited woman kissing, caressing, and touching the male or woman
  • Two women physically interacting, short of penetration, in order to arouse the male and them.
  • The couple having sex in front of the invited woman

What advice can you give to single males regarding soft-swinging?

Soft-swinging means you will not be having sex with the couple and there will be a voyeur aspect to the role. Nonetheless, it does mean some male on male contact is possible, such as touching or mutual masturbation. Also, it means that some physical contact with the woman is possible. Next it means if a couple opts for soft-swinging it does not necessarily mean at a later date they will be open to a full-swap. Some couples enjoy soft-swinging and it maybe as far as it progresses with them. This means for you, do not agree to a soft-swinging situation with the expectation that a full swap will occur at a later date. Lastly, it means it can be a situation that leaves you feeling sexually frustrated afterwards. Therefore, the choice is yours; it is important to remember in this situation you need to communicate your needs and your desired activities to the couple.

If we have an open relationship is soft-swinging a good way to have an intimate encounter with my partner / spouse and my lover?

A lot depends on the boundaries that have been agreed and it also depends if all three of you can be comfortable in the situation. If all three of you can be comfortable and it will not destroy the relationship(s) that have been developed then it is something worth exploring the idea. Should all three of you agree it is workable and all three of you feel that you can work through the feelings then it is something to try. It maybe all three of you find it leads to a very erotic experience.

If we have an open relationship and want to try soft-swinging then who does not participate and takes on the voyeur role?

It depends on how you define open relationship and the type of open relationship you have. If it is not a polyamorous or ménage da trios then it is this author’s feeling it should be the individual with whom the secondary relationship is formed. However, if you are in a polyamorous or menage da trios relationship, then this author feels this open to negotiation among the three of you.

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Reconnecting after a threesome

Posted in Relationships, Threesome opinions, Threesomes by

Dessins de Martin van Maele. Para Zoloé et ses...

The threesome just ended and you are feeling thrilled that you survived without stopping it and without feeling crushed. In a way you feel as though you have just joined an exclusive club and you feel proud that you have earned your membership key. Later, as you begin to come down from your ‘adrenaline high’ the scenes of the threesome begin to replay in your mind; some of those scenes begin eliciting feelings and you wonder if you can ever feel the same about your partner again. Scene after scene continue to play and you begin to feel distant from your partner, what are you to do?

Reality is the above scenario does not always occur. It can feel couples who may have rushed it, who may have not fully discussed having a threesome, or may have been unprepared for the feelings having a threesome can elicit. The answer, this author feels, lies in finding a way to reconnect with your partner. Reconnecting is the way of restabilising the bond shared between the two of you and not allowing feelings about the threesome or the invited third person impact your relationship.

Starting point understanding memories and how they can influence your feelings. Reality is memories are not photographic snapshots that remain with us unchanged. A memory is influenced by time, by feelings, perspectives, and where our attention is focused, for example. It is also influenced by questions we are asked, our relationship with that person asking the question, and our feelings at the time. This means memories can be influenced and it means we cannot recall an event with great accuracy. A good example of this is a crime being witnessed by several people who give different accounts of the same scene. More specifically, it means after a threesome our perception of what occurred and our feelings towards it is influenced by many events including time.

Now, take into account your own person views about threesomes before having it, your viewpoint about threesomes after it occurs, your religious view, your views about relationships, your feelings about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else and your feelings about the third person. When you take into account the above views with your memory of the situation it is easy to understand how your view of events transpired. Therefore it is important remembering how react in the hours and days after threesome based on our memories of it will impact us.

In this author’s opinion, the next step is accepting the threesome occurred and that it was a mutually agreed event. Thereby preventing any blaming your partner for wanting the threesome and you were innocently going along to please them or you went along to prevent them from cheating.

The third step is finding some time when the two of you can be alone. Ideally, the sooner this occurs after the threesome the better, this author feels. Avoiding your partner after a threesome is not productive and it leads to, this author feels a weakening of the relationship occurs through lack of communication. Furthermore finding time when the two of you are alone gives both of you the chance to discuss anything that might pose a problem or causing hurt feelings. It also gives both of you a chance to connect again.

Connecting, when the two of you are alone, involves the process of moving from the threesome and continuing with your relationship. This could mean going out together, sharing an activity together other than sex, or it could mean spending quiet time snuggling in front of the television watching a movie together. It also means finding a way for your partner to feel comfortable with what occurred. For this to occur it might mean being supportive, being positive, talking instead of arguing, and find a way to move the relationship forward. Likewise for you it means finding a way to be comfortable with the the threesome that occurred. Moreover it means not letting any negative feelings from the threesome adversely influence the way the two of you relate to each other. Whatever the two of you do together, it means taking the time to rebuild and strengthen the bonds that you share.

Final step, is deciding what your next step about having a threesome and exploring other sexual practices. At this stage the decision is made, at least for the near future, if another threesome will occur or if as a couple, you will

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Questions for a couple to ask the third person

Posted in Questions, Threesome opinions, Threesome Planning, Threesome Stages, Threesomes by

English: A schematic showing the polygamy rela...How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them.  Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1)  What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b)  How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

7)   What is your preferred position to have sex?

8)  Other than alcohol or drugs, what can we do to help you to relax?

9)  What is your expectation of us?

10) Any questions for us?

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Etiquette of accommodating

Posted in Threesome opinions by

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Imagine, for a moment, the two of you believe you found someone that might make a great third person. They ask if, as a couple, you will accommodate them. Then, all of a sudden the possible threesome appears to be at the brink of collapsing because of the issue of accommodating, what do you do?

Accommodating, means you will at the very minimum you will host the threesome and most likely provide them with a place to stay for the night. Hosting means making the arrangements for the place fo the threesome to occur and if necessary, providing a place to stay.

There are at least two schools of thoughts. First is a social perspective that is founded on the principles of being a good host and taking care of your guest. This means the person(s) planning the threesome takes care of all of the details including where to have the threesome, ensuring everyone is comfortable and providing a place to stay for the third person. Essentially, when using the perspective, all of the details are taken care of and the threesome can happen freely without worry about time.

Second perspective, is factoring in distance. Like the social perspective whereby the host takes care of the details, the difference lies in providing accommodation. Under the distance perspective, if the couple and the third person do not need to travel far, typically less than 50 miles, to have the threesome then the person(s) arranging the threesome will not provide accommodation.

This brings up the question, if accommodating is required, what are the rules? Typically if it is the couple that is hosting then they will ideally discuss this prior to finding someone for a threesome, as a part of their initial discussion. A part of the discussion should focus around the topic of becoming emotionally attached, if the third person stays in their bed and the risk it can pose.

From an etiquette perspective there is nothing wrong with, if the couple has the space available asking the third person to sleep in a guest bedroom. This will help to keep an emotional distance between the couple and the third person. Likewise there is nothing wrong with having the third person stay in the bed with the couple provided the couple is comfortable with the idea and communicate their boundary to the third person.

In contrast, if it is the invited third person hosting their focus should be making the couple comfortable. This would mean discussing with the couple their plans for accommodating to ensure the couple is comfortable with the idea. This author feels if it is the first time the three are together and it is the third person hosting then careful consideration should be given to place the couple in the guest room in order to give them time to reconnect after the threesome and to talk privately about any issues that may have com up.

For some it may appear that if the third person is hosting then there is more of a restriction on them, from an etiquette standpoint. The reason for difference goes to the topic of dynamics. If the couple is hosting the threesome then they are aware of the plans, they have had the necessary discussions, and they are in control of the threesome. However, if it is the third person hosting then, to some extent, the couple is not aware of the plans of the third person. By placing the couple is a guest bedroom is to protect the couple from undue influence from the third person on the couple’s relationship, it shows the couple the third person respects their relationship and it gives the couple a chance to reconnect.

Another question that gets asked the extent, to which, the person accommodating should provide for their guest(s). This author feels if the third person is staying at their home then only the basics should be provided, such as: a separate toothbrush, toothpaste, towels, feminine hygiene products, and a clean bed. Then in the morning providing them with something to eat and drink before leaving. Furthermore this author does not feel accommodation should go as far as paying for the hotel room or paying for their travelling expenses since, in some jurisdictions, this may border on prostitution.

This brings up a fundamental question, regardless of the perspective, how comfortable are the participants with accommodating. If the threesome is to occur and spending the night together is an issue then all three must be comfortable with the idea. Being comfortable means it does not elicit any negative feelings (e.g. anger, jealous) and the couple believes it will not harm the relationship. If either is present then accommodating might cause more harm then good.

Last question accommodating brings up, regards boundaries. Boundaries in this situation can be detailed. If the couple will be sleeping separately from the third person then boundaries become less complex. In this author’s opinion the main boundaries that need to be discussed includes the when the third person will leave and communication with the couple after the threesome. However if all three will stay in the same bed then more issues need to be explored. Typical issues to be considered includes: touching in bed, contact allowed where each person will sleep, and other issues based on the threesome being planned. Without taking time to establish boundaries regarding accommodating then it is likely to create some negative feelings that could ruin the threesome.

In answering the question regarding accommodation two fundamental questions should be answered. First is the distance needed to be travelled and the impact on the couple’s relationship. If the distance for travelling to have a threesome is less than 50 miles or the couple feels it might adversely impact their relationship then accommodating should not occur. Likewise if there is a significant distance to travel or the couple is open to the idea then accommodating, at a minimum, should be discussed. Before any accommodating occurs there should be agreement about boundaries and how it will operate.

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