For those of you who are interested in the topic of polyamory or are considering it, then this article is for you. It is a very well written article on the subject and explores the topic of determining if polyamory is right for you. I strongly recommend taking the time to read this excellent article.
Life is a journey that each of us makes. Along the journey, we find people who join us and sometimes they leave to continue on their path. On the route we travel, feedback from others and learning occurs causing a change in path for our journey. My journey has allowed me to learn more about cuckolding and weave it with my experiences with threesomes. If someone were to ask me, what is one area that my knowledge is increasing form this journey? The response I would give, the biggest evolution of I have seen is my opinion of cuckolding.
Before continuing, it is important to define cuckolding since each person defines it differently. Cuckolding involves the involvement of another person in a relationship either on a short-term or long-term basis that requires consent of the non-participating individual. Furthermore this activity is typically expressed with one individual in the relationship having sex outside of the relationship while the other partner remains monogamous. The reason for this can vary from opening up the relationship, to a domination / submission relationship, or various other reasons. Therefore, I feel cuckolding is best described by using a spectrum definition. A spectrum definition for cuckolding means examining: the presence or absence of: domination / submission in the relationship, the degree to which describing the relationship as an open relationship, the length of relationships, and the number of relationships, and the frequency that contact with the other person occurs. Thereby making the definition of cuckolding difficult due to the various ways it is expressed.
For those who have read my writings may know my experience with cuckolding has been with one strand of cuckolding and I have come to appreciate that there are other strands too. From my experience, I feel there is an underlying assumption, that cuckolding and cheating are synonymous. Cheating involves a violation of trust, due to a violation of boundaries and the breakdown of communication that leads one partner to meet their needs outside of the relationship. Whereas cuckolding involves, maintaining trust through an open and honest discussion about the activity. It also involves establishing boundaries, and working as a team to maintain the established boundaries. Therefore, the root of the difference comes from cuckolding is done in the open and done to the extent that the couple is agreeable versus an activity that is done in the cloak of secrecy.
The above definition may seem puzzling to some and I will try to provide a few examples as to how I envision cuckolding. One example is a typical scenario of the male feeling inadequate about penis size or is quite submissive in the relationship. In order for the male to address the inadequacy or to express his submissive nature in the relationship, the couple enters into cuckolding. This scenario will score high on domination / submission along, scoring high with the relationship being whereby the submissive male remains monogamous and scoring high on the other aspects. My feeling this comes about due to the couple waning to incorporate domination / submission into their relationship or it could come about as a way to maintain the relationship.
Another example would be similar to the above example but this time the male half of the couple is dominant with a submissive female partner. I feel, this could come about because the woman is in a high demanding role where she needs to be in control and this is one way for her to loose some control. Alternatively, I feel, this could come about from the couple wanting to have traditional roles and the woman does this not to please her husband. If you were to score this scenario it would score high on domination / submission, high on being an open relationship due to one person remaining monogamous, but scoring as it relates to relationship including number would be lower than the first example since this would most likely be a more controlled situation. Reason for the lower scoring on the number of relationships and length would most likely be due the amount of time needed before the woman agrees and her need to maintain her relationship with her partner.
Third example would be a couple exploring the idea of having sex with someone outside of the relationship. This would, most likely be a one-off or limited time experience that is not regularly repeated. The idea here is to allow one partner, for whatever reason, a chance to explore sex with someone else. This means this type of activity:
- Is done in the open with their partner’s knowledge and consent
- The relationship is not opened up since it is done for a limited time
- There is not a BDSM element operating such as domination or humiliation
- There is boundaries about the activity
- There is agreement on how much information is shared.
Scoring this would result in a very low score for domination / submission due to the decision being about exploration. In addition, it would score low on being an open relationship since this experience would maintain emotional monogamy. Finally, it would score low on other aspects since it is about exploring and not maintaining a relationship. Typically couples that want to explore the idea, try something different, or fulfill a fantasy would pursue this type of scenario.
A final example would be role-playing the idea. This implies that the couple does not physically involve a third person but plays out the idea. When scoring it this would mean domination / submission would be either moderate or low, depending on the scene. Others would be non-existent since there is not the involvement of a third person.
Many readers is at this point may be asking what is the point of this review or essay? The answer to this question is not easy, since there seems to be some confusion about cuckolding and some hostility to it as a subject. The rest of this essay will examine some of the reasons why a couple might consider the idea.
Ideally, I believe, cuckolding is something a couple should consider only after having some type of group sex experience together. Reason for this belief is grounded in the belief that by having the group sex experience a couple understands what is involved, understands if cuckolding is an option for them, and develop communication skills needed to help them work through a cuckolding experience. Now, I realize that we do not live in the ideal world but the real world, which means people / couples do not operate as expected. For couples who do not come to cuckolding as an extension of their group sex experience, I feel, there are several reasons why a couple might choose cuckolding and those reasons are discussed in the rest of this article.
In the above paragraphs, I briefly touched on relationship variations where cuckolding might occur and in this section, I will go deeper by talking about motivation for a couple a couple. Motivation, simply put it is the reason why a couple participates in having a cuckold due to the rewards it provides the couple and the rewarding being provided exceeds the risk of having a cuckold.
For example, Couple A (a fictitious couple) who has been married 15 years decides to try cuckolding. The husband, Mark, find the idea of his wife having sex with someone else arousing and his wife, June, decides to provide that experience for him. After having sex with another man, June, comes back telling Mark about it and Mark then has sex with sex. Mark finds his orgasm is intense even though while June is out Mark went through plethora of emotions from extreme fear to a high state of arousal from imagining what June is doing with her lover. From the experience Mark and June have found they have improved communication and a deeper trust of each other. In this case the motivation for the couple is the positive change in their relationship.
With that said, in the above example change in the relationship is a motivating factor for having a cuckold and it this can be quite a powerful motivator. However there are others, such as wanting to explore the idea, allowing sexual freedom, exploring domination / submission, and other reasons. The reason for motivation, this author feels, will determine to extent the couple will peruse cuckolding.
This author is not going to get into a Psychology 101 discussion of positive and negative reinforcement, rewards. Instead I will continue with the above example of the couple in the section on Motivation and discuss rewards. Unlike motivation understanding the risk is not necessary. In understanding rewards, the reward must be strong enough to encourage the continuation of the behavior. This means in the above example the rewards for Mark are the emotions he goes through, hearing about his wife’s experience after she comes back, and being able to have sex with her once she returns. For June the rewards includes having sex with someone else, breaking society’s norms, and sex with her husband.
It is obvious from the above example that the rewards being given will diminish over time an as a couple they will have to find other rewards to maintain their motivation for cuckolding. For the above couple, it could be the changes in their relationship may be enough to motivate them as the rewards diminish or it could be, as the rewards diminish, the couple looses their interest in cuckolding. This means their is a relationship between the rewards and motivation.
From birth message about roles and relationships bombard us. The messages come from religion, school, observing adults interact, and test our beliefs while searching for a partner that meets our needs. From there we incorporate some, rebel against others, and follow some norms until being able to replace it our belief regarding relationships resulting in a philosophy about what we believe is acceptable in a relationship.
My feeling, one factor that I feel motivates couples towards cuckolding or conversely is the biggest barrier in exploring cuckolding is, societal norms regarding relationships. For many couples adhering to societal norms provides a level of stability, a sense of security, a sense of worth / purpose, and decreased anxiety because they are living within society’s expectations.
Adhering to societal norms does not ensure a successful relationship but can lessen conflict within the relationship, thereby maintaining relationship stability. For couples that choose to divert from societal norms cuckolding becomes a possibility, though not a guarantee. Couples who choose this route may risk being discovered, may risk being spurn by those around them, and may risk isolation if because they chose a different route. However, if a couple can successfully balance the desire to define their relationship based on their values, instead of society’s, along with the anxiety that is created by not strictly adhering to society’s expectation then may find happiness by having more control over their relationship.
Need differs from a want because a need is something that must occur in order to maintain the relationship. Essentially this means without it, the relationship would cease to exist or at least be fraught with conflict. This can be risky for the relationship, since a need maybe one-sided whereby one person needs it to stay in the relationship while the other person does not. The differing value on the need puts pressure on the other to agree to fulfill the need or risk the relationship ending. Being able to negotiate need and communicate them becomes paramount for the survival of the relationship.
For example, couple B decides to try a cuckold relationship because one of them has a higher sex drive and the other has a low sex drive. Couple B believes by meeting the need of the individual with the high sex drive, by allowing a cuckold to occur, relieves pressure on the individual with the lower sex drive to have sex, thereby maintaining an equilibrium in the relationship. Arguably, it is a need because the couple feel cuckolding is central to maintain the relationship. However, I believe, this is a want since other possibilities exist before considering the option for cuckolding. This type of scenario also raises another issue regarding the impact on the relationship because the lower sex drive may not feel complete because they do not meet their partner’s needs thereby adversely influencing their relationship and it does not address an underlying issue in the relationship the reason for the competing sex drives.
Wants / Exploration
It is easy to confuse needs for wants. In this situation, a want is something that moves the relationship in a different direction and comes from the desire to try something different. This implies a want is not core to keep the relationship viable and it something for consideration. At this point, it is important to mention, a desire to explore is different than replacing something that is missing in the relationship or fix a trouble relationship. If the decision to try cuckolding is to fix or save a failing relationship then it is not want and probably a sign that cuckolding is the wrong choice until the issue is resolved.
Another example, Couple C ( a fictitious couple), appears to be a very typical married couple. They are enjoy trying new things, evaluating them, and then deciding their next step. Fred one day suggest to Melissa that he would like to have her have sex with another male. At first Melissa is shocked but then acquiesces to Fred’s suggestion and meets Tom for a one-off meet, with Fred’s knowledge. Both Fred and Melissa enjoy the experience but decide it is not for them.
Finally, this author feels the difference between a want and need is dependent on the extent to which the relationship depends on meeting it. In the example with Couple B, there was a need in order to maintain the relationship and minimize conflict. Whereas the couple wanting to explore the idea, Couple C, is a want, since the relationship could continue without trying cuckolding.
Under this type of motivation, the couple may want to explore cuckolding in order to resolve a question or a mundane issue that comes up without having an impact on the relationship. A question that cuckolding might be used to resolve would be, “what it would feel like if I did have sex with my first boyfriend?” Another question might be, “What would it be like to have sex with the guy that flirts with me while he takes my order at the coffee shop?” Alternatively, the mundane issue could be one partner not having as much sexual experience as the other, a boyfriend / girlfriend from the past, an attraction to someone outside of the relationship, or another issue.
Compromise: Monogamy versus open relationship
Arguably cuckolding can provide a solution for a couple who wants an open relationship but wants to maintain some level of monogamy. In a cuckolding situation monogamy only remains for the partner who does not participate. This means cuckolding provides a compromise solution between having a threesome and an open relationship.
Life is a journey that provides many detours, dead-ends, scenic routes, and expressways. Every couple that exits on cuckolding will find that cuckolding will take them to different places with some staying on the cuckolding highway. In order for them to stay on the cuckolding highway, there needs to be enough rewards fueling their motivation for continuing with cuckolding. Without motivation and rewards cuckolding for a couple will end
Lastly, cuckolding is there for the consideration as a tool in a relationship but it does not mean all of us have to partake. Instead it means appreciating the diversity and richness it brings. This means, someone else’s journey may not be appropriate for us but we understanding their journey means we can better improve ours. By being able to learn form it, we can learn something a bit about ourselves, what motivates us, what motivates others, and integrate that learning into our lives. As an author I am glad cuckolding is an option because of the richness it can bring and I hope all that read this article can appreciate it too.
- SL Letter of the Day: Intriguing Cuckolding (slog.thestranger.com)
- Threesome Terminology (3somes.wordpress.com)
- Part 1: A Woman’s Guide to Creating a Cuckolding Fantasy World (lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com)
- Part 2: A Woman’s Guide to Creating a Cuckolding Fantasy World (lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com)
- A Deeper Understanding of Cuckoldry from Moi’s Perspective (multifacetedmoi.com)
- Are ‘Open’ Relationships Also More Open to Communication, Trust? (atlantablackstar.com)
- What are People’s Perceptions of Open Relationships? (psychologytoday.com)
Have you ever found the idea of having a threesome arousing, especially during foreplay? Only to find, apprehension about the idea or concerns about preserving the relationship forces at least one of you to step-back from the idea? Stepping back from the idea after taking steps towards it can create feelings of frustration and wishing there might be happy medium. It can also create “mixed-messages” and confusion regarding true intentions about having a threesome. For some couples the practice of soft-swinging may offer an alternative or a route to have a threesome by approaching the idea slowly.
Defining soft-swinging is not easy since the term does not have a universal definition and for the purpose of this article it will mean a two male threesome, mfm, whereby the invited male is not sexually involved with the couple that invited them. Soft-swinging does not include foursomes where there is no interaction between the couples and it does not mean a two women threesome, fmf, whereby the male watches. Also for the purpose of this article, soft-swinging does not include oral, anal, or vaginal sex. It therefore means, soft-swinging involves any activity that does not involve penetration or close sexual contact with the invited male.
This leads this author to the question, why would a couple choose to have a soft-swinging experience? There are numerous reasons. However the most likely reasons include: it can keep the couple:
- sexually monogamous
- keeps the couple physically monogamous
- significantly reduces the risk of STDs/STIs
- significantly reduces the chance of pregnancy
- for some couples it can serve as a gateway to the group sex scene including threesomes
- it provides the couple with the opportunity to have someone watch them having sex
Essentially, soft-swinging for couple provides a taste of having a threesome while minimizing the risks of having a threesome and it also provides for a couple a chance to experience a threesome without fully committing to it. This means soft-swinging can offer couples the best of worlds, protecting the relationship and having sex while someone else is present.
What are the drawbacks of soft-swinging? On the surface it can appear there are limited drawbacks to soft-swinging but as with anything else, soft-swinging does have its limitations. One major limitation is finding someone interested. Soft-swinging can leave the invited third person feeling sexually frustrated and it can leave them loosing interest in the couple if they believe a threesome will occur that does not occur. Final drawback it can be emotionally intense especially if an individual participating in it is not ready for it. Essentially, this means it can cause emotional damage to the relationship if boundaries are crossed or it was more that what they were expecting.
So, how do you find someone interested in soft-swinging? It is not always easy since this practice is a sub-set of the threesome community and interest tends to be with having a threesome instead of soft-swinging. Nonetheless, you can look in the same places as you can for a threesome. The best advice is being upfront and honest about the limitations to the encounter.
For some couples soft-swinging can provide an alternative to a threesome or can provide a bridge for having one. Nonetheless soft-swinging call allow a couple to remain monogamous to each other while experiencing a threesome. However, soft-swinging can expose a couple to the emotional issues and similar risks that a couple having a threesome will face. Therefore a couple deciding to try soft-swinging needs to evaluate the risks and potential benefits before deciding to undertake soft-swinging.