Is choosing an ex for a threesome a good idea?


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Choosing an ex for a threesome might seem like a tempting idea but the choice is full of risks for the relationship. In most cases it is better to avoid choosing an ex for the third person in a threesome. Nonetheless, there might be a few exceptions and this article will briefly examine the problem and the possible exceptions to the rule of no ex for a threesome.


1)      Feelings can be rekindled 


There is a difference between a threesome and a dating relationship. A threesome requires a level of emotional detachment thereby allowing the ability to separate the physical act of sex from the emotional aspect. Having had a previous relationship with the individual makes it difficult to separate feelings from sex and greatly increases the risk of feelings being formed.


2)      The previous relationship may begin again




The cliché that time heals all wound. Meaning the further you get from the relationship ending the more likely you remember the good things about it and minimize the bad. For the person considering a threesome with their ex it means they are more likely to remember the good things about the relationship while minimizing the reason the relationship ended. This means they might be susceptible to any influence that their ex may have on them because most of their memories will be positive and will view their ex more positively.


3)      Drama and conflict


The relationship ended for a reason. Bringing an ex into a threesome situation may rekindle feelings and lead to previous conflicts in the relationship. These conflicts have the potential of spiralling out of control and negative impacting the current relationship.


4)      Risk of cheating and breakdown in communication


If there were strong feelings for the ex there is a chance that these may be rekindled. By introducing an ex into a threesome situation there is a possibility that cheating may occur. Plus there may be a temptation to hide or down play any communication that they may have had with their ex. This may fuel conflicts in the relationship.


5)      Risk of pregnancy


If pregnancy resulted from the threesome with an ex then the pregnancy would bind the two. The resulting pregnancy would have a detrimental effect on the current relationship and if the relationship remained it would put a strain on it.


      6)   Test / Minimizing the risk of cheating


There are some who believe by having a threesome with an ex it is a way to test if their partner still has feelings for the ex and by having a threesome with them it is a way to minimize cheating later. This is a fallacy and having a threesome for this reason, with an ex, is a poor decision that should be avoided at all costs.




Reasons for selecting an ex for a threesome


Before deciding to select or not to select a former ex for a threesome a relationship risk analysis needs to be conducted with the previous relationship being examined.


Assessing the Risk




The risk of an adverse impact on the current relationship depends to a large extent on the previous relationship with the ex. If the relationship with the ex included any of the following:


  • Involved sexual intercourse
  • Lasted for more than a few months
  • They were either engaged or married
  • Involved children
  • Relationship ended less than 5 years ago
  • Remain in regular contact even though there are no children
  • Relationship was turbulent


The more conditions above that are met the more likely that selecting an ex for a threesome will adversely impact the couple’s current relationship. However with enough discussion, problem solving, and trust inviting an ex may work for the couple. Some reasons for selecting an ex includes


1)      Convenience


They are readily available and if the relationship ended amicably approachable. There is already a relationship to draw from and makes the process easier.


2)      Resolution of issues


Especially if sex did not occur by inviting an ex may help by allowing the relationship to end. In a way, inviting the ex to a threesome may help in resolving any unfinished business in the relationship and allow it to end for both that were involved in it.


3)      Fulfilment of a fantasy


Sometimes having a threesome with your ex and current partner is a fantasy. By having this type of threesome will allow this fantasy to be fulfilled.


Minimizing the Risk




For this type of situation to be successful it requires a lot of communication, preparation, discussion, boundaries, negotiation, and trust. The partner who is inviting their ex needs to honest about their relationship talking about their feelings regarding their ex, what caused the relationship to end, and any unresolved issues with them. This needs to be talked through and discussed before any agreement is made.


The couple also needs to do a relationship assessment too in an effort to determine what impact this unique situation could have on their relationship and how to overcome any adverse effect that this type of threesome would have.


It is only after careful consideration, lengthy discussions, and assessment of the situation should this type of threesome being agreed.