FAQs surviving a threesome

English: Surviving fishing community in Beer



I have agreed to have a threesome but now I am unsure if want to go through with it?


Having a threesome is a personal decision. If you are not ready to have one then you tell your partner / couple know that you want to either delay the threesome or you have changed your mind.


Is having a threesome considered cheating?


Unlike an affair, where an emotional relationship is formed, a threesome is about pleasure. Therefore, in this author’s opinion a threesome is not cheating provided boundaries are respected and it is done in the open.


Is it possible to stay monogamous and still have a threesome?


It depends on how monogamy is defined. This author believes emotional monogamy can be maintained if the couple does not undertake cuckolding, does not undertake an open relationship, or enters into a polyamorous relationship. Furthermore this author believes depending on how the couple defines soft-swinging it can offer the couple the opportunity to stay monogamous while experiencing a threesome.


How can I cope watching my partner having sex with someone else in front of me?


There is no easy answer to this question and the best answer, this author feels, is communication. Take time to discuss your feelings with your partner and the concerns you have. Also talk through “what if…” scenarios and if you feel it will be too much for then take the time to consider not having a threesome.


How do I deal with my feelings after the threesome?


The best way, this author feels, is by debriefing. Debriefing means, as soon as it is practical, talk through the threesome. This means talking about at least, things that went well, things that did not go well, any concerns, and how to move things forward. Then continue talking about the threesome until both of you feel the issues have been addressed.


Universal boundaries

What are the rules, boundaries, for a threesome? How do I set boundaries for a threesome? Is best not to have boundaries for a threesome and allow my partner to enjoy themselves? All of these are common questions regarding boundaries for a threesome. Boundaries, by definition, are the rules that are implied or agreed that provide the limits for a threesome. It is these limits that allow trust to be formed in order to have a threesome and serve as a way of communicating expectations for the threesome. Without them a threesome would, possibly, descend into chaos and for the couple it could lead to conflict.

Since trust and boundaries are linked it means having a universal set of boundaries is not possible and it means boundaries are couple specific. Does this mean there are no underlying boundaries that most threesomes have? Not necessarily, this author believes there are some boundaries that are necessary to allow other boundaries to be agreed. Implied boundaries are the unspoken boundaries. These are the “rules” the couple develops their time together such as not going to bed angry or talking to each other before a decision is made. Without implied boundaries a relationship would be paralyzed since the simplest of discussions would become protracted discussions and by having implied boundaries a relationship can operate. However, implied boundaries are easily misunderstood since it requires both individuals in the relationship to understand them along with their limits and if an implied boundary is misunderstood then it leads to misunderstanding.

Are there any implied boundaries for a threesome? Yes, such as the decision to have a threesome is a mutual decision made equally by both partners.  Another implied boundary is the responsibility for planning the threesome is shared. However, how the boundaries operate and the extent to which they operate is dependent on the couple defining them. Therefore, a couple should never assume their partner has the same understanding of an implied boundary and they should discuss with their partner on a regular basis their implied boundaries.

This leads this author to the next questions, what about the agreed boundaries? For a threesome to occur this author believes there are a few boundaries that need to be in place for a threesome to occur.  These boundaries either facilitate the discussion or are needed to minimize the risk of conflict afterwards. However, they are not the boundaries that define the limits of the threesome and they are not boundaries that define how the threesome will operate. Typical boundaries to allow the discussion to occur or to minimize conflict afterwards include:

  • Not using the threesome against the other
  • If necessary, agreeing the threesome is a mutual decision
  • Agreeing to discuss the threesome after it occurs and to work through any issues that may have risen.
  • No means no
  • Each person, at any time, has the right to say no to the threesome or any aspect of the threesome.
  • The threesome will not happen until each person is ready and they will go as fast as the person least comfortable with the idea.

Obviously there are more boundaries that a couple can include but they are dependent on their needs along with the type of threesome being planned. In answer to the above questions, the answer depends on the couple, the type of threesome they are planning, and their limits of comfort. Any universal that may exist is only meant to facilitate the discussion regarding having a threesome or to minimize the chance of conflict afterwards.

FAQ about threesomes for couples – Part 1

Do we need to practice safe-sex since my partner / spouse has undergone sterilization?

Safe-sex goes beyond preventing pregnancy and it involves protecting yourself against STDs / STIs. Being sterilized will not protect against the risk of STIs / STDs.

Having a threesome will improve our relationship?

Having threesome will not necessarily improve a relationship and it can destroy it. How a threesome will impact a relationship is dependent on several factors and the impact may not be known for some time. This may mean the short-term impact is negative but the long-term impact is good.  It also means how the couple works through the impact and communicate may be the best indicator of how the threesome will impact them.

Having boundaries mean I will be restricting my partner’s enjoyment and it is best not to have boundaries?

Boundaries act as a safety-net and define the limits of the threesome. By having boundaries it means each can emotionally prepare themselves for the threesome and reduce the chance of the unexpected happening (e.g. anal sex when the implied expectation was vaginal penetration).

Is Having a threesome is cheating?

Cheating is a term that is define by each couple and therefore, is difficult to define. In the context of a threesome, this author feels, cheating occurs when boundaries have been violated. This means as long as the boundaries are maintained then no cheating has occurred.

My partner has stated during foreplay they want to have a threesome, I should arrange it for them?

There is a difference between the fantasy of a threesome during foreplay and actually having one. During the fantasy you can be the director, the writer, the producer, the actor, and determine the outcome. However, in reality, you can only control your reactions.

If I Say yes to a threesome then I cannot change my mind?

A threesome can only happen if all three participants agree to it and each person in a threesome has a right to say no at any time.

When is a good time to have a threesome?

It is easier to discuss when having a threesome is bad for a couple just starting out with having a threesome, this includes:

  • Major life event (e.g. death of someone close, a major illness)
  • A period of stress or conflict in the relationship
  • A history or an episode of infidelity
  • Not being a committed monogamous couple for at least 2 – 5 years
  • Not feeling comfortable enough to discuss any issue with your partner or there are implied topics that are not discussed in the relationship.

How can I know be certain if we decide to have a threesome it will be successful?

There is no way to know with 100% accuracy. The best way, this author feels, is to consider the following the list below and the list below is only meant as a guide, not a guarantee.

  • Both of you are secure enough in your relationship whereby having sex with someone else will not destroy the relationship.
  • You are secure enough in your relationship you can have sex with someone else in front of your partner or you are secure enough in your relationship whereby you can watch your partner having sex with someone else.
  • As a couple the two of you can talk about any subject and there are no off limit topics
  • As a couple you have been together at a minimum for 2 – 5 years.
  • The planning of the threesome has involved both of you; it is not a surprise threesome and it is not a threesome where all of the planning has fallen on one individual
  • There has been no force, coercion, pressure, or manipulation used in deciding to have a threesome.
  • The reason for having a threesome does not include the preventing of cheating, “adding spice” to the relationship, or having a threesome due to the sex becoming routine.
  • Decision to have a threesome is not made shortly after a major life event (e.g. marriage, death of a loved one, major move, etc).

Building trust for a threesome

Discussing the idea of having a threesome went well, boundaries were agreed, and the decision was made to invite a third person. Now a rush of questions starts flooding your mind. How can we trust someone? How can I trust my partner to stick to our boundaries?  How can I be sure it is going to work out? All of these questions have one thing in common, the need to build trust.

Before talking about building trust for a threesome it is important to define trust. Trust is an allusive term that is difficult to define and relies more on intuition than objective observation. Therefore, trust is about confidence and placing confidence in someone based on their character. This implies an element of trust is dependent of the perception of the person and the confidence the individual has in that person.  For a threesome it means being able to have the confidence in someone that what they are saying is true and they will adhere to their statements.

This leads to the question, how do you build trust for a threesome? For a couple it means there is enough history that each other has confidence in the other to do what they promise. If the couple has been together for a little while it may mean they need to approach having a threesome at a slow pace since it may require them to build trust as they get closer to the threesome. In contrast, for a couple that has been together for a while, it may mean trust is not an issue for them since they have a history together. However, if the couple is going through a difficult period where the issue of trust is involved then it a threesome will not help them rebuild their trust and instead it is more likely to erode any trust that exists.

Now, the question becomes how does the couple trust the third person and the third person trust the couple? The starting point is the type of threesome being planned. If the threesome is a soft-swinging or full threesome then trust is more about the character and trustworthiness of the individual then building actual trust.  A soft-swinging or full threesome is about physical enjoyment and preventing feelings for the third person from developing. In order for this objective to be achieved, the couple needs to avoid building a relationship with the third person and this means, the contact with the third person needs to be limited. Typically, there is very little time for discussion and a decision to have / not to have the threesome is fairly quick. Other types of threesomes the length of time to build trust varies due to the length and nature of the threesome.  In answer to the above question, building trust is a function of the type of threesome being planned and the amount of communication that is needed for it to occur.

In conclusion building trust is the cornerstone of having a successful threesome and the amount of time needed is dependent on the type of threesome being sought. The starting point for trust lies with the couple and their ability to trust each other. Once they have enough trust built for a threesome then the next step for them trusts the invited third person.  If the objective of the threesome is physical enjoyment then the time needed to build trust is short and is only necessary to the extent that enough trust is built to allow the threesome to happen. Whereas other types of threesomes such as poly or cuckolding will require more trust due to the nature of the threesome being needed. Finally trust is allusive and it is built on perceptions. Without trust no threesome can occur.

Managing feelings after a threesome


Imagine for a moment, planning a threesome and discovering the communicating bringing you together. Next, recall the time spent searching for someone, rejecting some and being stood up by time-wasters.  After searching for a while becoming frustrated that you were not going to find someone that was compatible but after a bit more searching, you meet right person to join you for your threesome.

The threesome was emotionally intense watching your partner having sex with someone else. Heart was racing, sweat covered your body, and in a constant state of readiness. It brought up a lot of conflicting emotions that went from loss of your partner to sheer arousal. Each moment you could not decide if this was the most erotic experience you ever had or if you should leave the room. However the sight of your partner sexually enjoying themselves kept you there.

After the threesome a lot was going through you mind after the “thrill” of the experience ended. It started to raise questions about what occurred and left you feeling confused about your relationship. The scene of the threesome still arouses you but at the same time it angers you. Nonetheless, the above scene does raise the question, how do you deal with feelings after a threesome? Also, how do you plan a threesome in order to protect your relationship from the damage a threesome can cause? This article will examine the question from three perspectives: debriefing after wards, managing feelings, and suggested steps for dealing with feelings.


Having a threesome is an emotionally intense experience and it can bring about an altered perception of reality. It is important in the minutes and days that follow to be careful about impulsively reacting to the threesome instead of discussing it. Debriefing means taking the time to talk through the threesome, including:

  • What went well
  • What did not go well
  • Feelings it brought up
  • Concerns that it raised
  • Boundaries that may have been violated
  • Boundaries that may need to be changed or removed
  • Next steps

It also means talking about the threesome as long as necessary in order to resolve the issues that it has brought up. This means instead of replaying the threesome over in your mind, like a DVD, and reacting to what you believed happen, you are taking the time to speak with your partner about the aspects of the threesome that are causing some issues for you. Also it means, debriefing is a process that allows for discussion of threesome in a calms rational way that may help to de-escalate issues thereby helping to preserve the relationship.

Finally debriefing should occur as soon after the threesome as possible. Ideally the discussion should start right after the third person leaves in order to work through any feelings the threesome created and begin dealing with the feelings instead of trying to avoid the subject.

Managing Feelings / Emotions:

Managing feelings essentially means, being able to separate sex from love and it means, being able to enjoy the physical aspects of sex without developing the emotional attachments that come with sex. On the surface this sounds fairly straightforward. However, having sex with someone is an emotionally intense experience that leads to some emotional bonding afterwards and being able to separate the two is not easy. There are two predictors this author feels that will determine a couple’s ability to do this.

First is the strength of the couple’s relationship, and by strength this author means how well the couple is bonded. Bonding is a complex discussion that is beyond the scope of this article and for this discussion means, the extent to which a couple to maintain their relationship with facing an outside threat. In this case the outside threat is the invited third person for the threesome. A couple that is emotionally attached, that has a history together of working through issues successfully, and effectively communicates is in a better position to deal with any threat a threesome may pose. This also means they are in a better position to plan their threesome and put in boundaries that will minimize a threat to their relationship from the third person.

Second is the individual’s ability to keep the threesome in perspective. This means the individual is able to realize a threesome is about sex, not emotions, and is able to keep the two separate. Also, it means the individual is able to effectively communicate this need and is able to take the appropriate steps once they realize they are becoming emotionally attached to the third person.

In order to manage feelings, this author feels, each person needs to understand themselves and how they operate as a couple. Without having some awareness of this, it means being able to manage their feelings becomes difficult since the appropriate boundaries and structure cannot be added to the threesome.

Suggested Steps:

This raises the question, what can a couple do to manage emotions of a threesome and manage feelings after a threesome? The starting point is having a secure and stable relationship. This means no using coercion, pressure or manipulation to have a threesome. It also means not using drugs or alcohol to facilitate having a threesome. By using emotional pressure or mind altering substances to have a threesome it make managing feelings difficult. Finally it means having an open enough communication whereby any topic can be discussed.

Next it means taking a look at the planned threesome and deciding if there is enough protection for the relationship. This could mean looking at having the threesome as a one-off situation. Also, it could mean looking at the selection of the third person, such as not choosing a friend or co-worker. Next, it may mean looking at the time spent building up to the threesome. It means minimizing the building of a friendship with them and having the threesome shortly after meeting them.

Thirdly it means adding structure to the threesome. Structure and boundaries are similar the difference lie in the detail. Boundaries set the limits of the threesome and the structure is how the threesome operates. Essentially this means the structure of the threesome flows from the boundaries. For example Couple A may have a boundary that oral sex is acceptable. However they may have discussed if oral sex is to occur then the wife would perform oral sex on her husband before performing it on the invited male. By having this rule it adds structure to the threesome that if oral sex is going to happen it is to be done on the husband first. Likewise a Couple B may have a boundary not to have threesome with anyone they know and not to invite the person back. This may mean having they have threesome while on vacation, thereby minimizing the risk of being found out and adding structure to their threesome.

Finally it means reviewing the boundaries. This means taking a look to see if any of the boundaries include relationship boundaries, such as not using the threesome against the other or having scheduled time to debrief about having the threesome? In addition it means taking a look at the boundaries and determining if they are realistic and practical? Boundaries may sound good on paper but their usefulness may not. This can lead to problems later and increase the chance of conflict.


Being able to manage feelings after a threesome is paramount for the relationship to continue and to preserve the couple’s relationship. Debriefing and setting appropriate boundaries are necessary if a relationship is to survive a threesome. Without considering how to manage feelings by putting in place the appropriate boundaries and by having a relationship whereby communication is open, can lead to problems after a threesome. Therefore, it is this author’s feeling, considering feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the success of a threesome and the emotional well-being of those involved

Related Articles:

Remorse Threesomes Cuckold: How to get over the feeling and start living again

Where do negative feelings come from after a threesome?

10 Things You Should Know about having a Threesome but Were Afraid to Ask

10 things you should know about cuckolding but were afraid to ask

Cuckolding Guide for Her: Surviving the First Date

Cuckolding Guide: Power of Sloppy Seconds

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Mixed Signals – What do they mean?

The lights are low, your partner is in the mood and then you bring up your fantasy of having a threesome. Shockingly, your partner is receptive to the idea of having a threesome and they are getting quite aroused by the idea. By seeing them aroused, you begin believing your fantasy is about to come true. However, they cum and fall asleep then the next morning you attempt to plan the threesome only to find they no longer want to go through with it. What has happened in less than 24 hours? Does this sound familiar?

Most likely the above situation, at a minimum, leads to confusion and at worst leads to conflict in the relationship. Mixed signals, as it is sometimes termed, can be confusing for those wanting to have a threesome a threesome but lack the understanding of the process. This type of situation is common when there is, typically at some level, an interest in having a threesome but the individual is conflicted about having a threesome. The conflict stems, this author believes, from resolving the desire to have a threesome against various other sources such as personal beliefs, society’s expectations, religious beliefs, and the individual’s previous experience with the topic. It does not mean, at their core they want to have a threesome and looking for approval to have one. Instead it means there is openness to the subject but the person’s beliefs is preventing them from embracing the idea. Essentially this means they find the fantasy of having a threesome arousing but when confronted with the realities of having a threesome; it means there is some reservation about going through with it.

This leads to another topic, understanding the difference between fantasy and the reality of having a threesome. In the fantasy threesome you are the director, the actor, the writer, and have control over the scene. It means you can control the outcome, the reactions, and how it sets up. However, in reality you are one of three individuals in the threesome and you are the one who has control over your reactions. By being responsible for your reactions, it means you are not in control of the other two.

Is there a way to overcome their resistance? Personal beliefs are very difficult to overcome since it forms the person’s personality and it is based on a lifetime of learning. Instead the best way to handle this situation is not to pressure, manipulate, coerce, or get the person high / drink to get your threesome. Instead it is best to leave the subject alone for a period of time, working on building your relationship with them, and work at making them feel secure in their relationship with you.  Then after a period of at least year, coming back to the subject and seeing if there is a change and if there is a change then it may mean they have had time to process the idea. However, if they are still resistant to it then it may be something that does not materialize or it may mean it may take years before they are ready.

Having a threesome is not a sprint but more like a marathon. It is important to pace yourself, to plan it out, and to give it time without pressure. Also it is important to remember, there is no fixed time for a threesome to happen and each threesome happens on their own time. If it does not happen then it is important to remember to love your partner / spouse for who they are and not for what they can give you.  If you can do that then you will be happy whatever they outcome maybe.