Moving beyond the initial conversation


Communication emisor

Communication emisor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Introduction:

As a couple you meet a potential third person for a threesome. Things are going good, boundaries have been discussed, and you have gone back to your place for a threesome. The conversation continues, the atmosphere is electrifying, and it is clear the threesome is going to happen. Now, the question becomes how to move from having an enjoyable conversation to have a threesome? Moving from having an enjoyable conversation to have a threesome can be awkward but if the transition is planned correctly the awkwardness can be kept to a minimum. This article will look at how to transition to a threesome, some issue that may come up and how to bring a threesome to an end.

Planning for the couple:

Nothing should happen by chance in a threesome and the more a couple leaves to chance in a threesome the great the chance, this author feels, of something going wrong. Before meeting the third person for the first time the couple should discuss how they are considering transitioning from having a conversation to actually having the threesome.

From a practical standpoint, by this time it is difficult for them to make significant changes to their boundaries without creating some confusion and it is best to make some tweaks versus making major changes to the plan. Any major change to a couple’s planned threesome requires the couple to ask should it should go forward. It does not mean, for example, a boundary that is not workable cannot be changed nor does it mean that if something comes up last minute that the plan could not accommodate it. Instead it means that the couple will need to accept that with any last minute changes, it may bring about other changes and they will need to be ready to cope with them. Should a couple be prepared for this eventuality then, this author feels, there is nothing wrong with making changes.

Lastly once a couple reaches this point it does give them one last chance to review miscellaneous their plans for safety, give each other another chance to say ‘no,’ ensure that they have everything needed, and agree to work through any issues that may come up. Also it means taking some time to review any last minute changes or tweaks to anticipate any possible results from them. Thirdly it means ensuring that they have what they need for the threesome and any arrangements are in place. This may range from booking a hotel room, ensuring that they have a babysitter for the evening, and condoms. Finally this opportunity is a chance to address any possible missed issue like how to divide attention and rule regarding intercourse with the third person.

Transitioning to the threesome

All of us have different ways of dealing with an event that may occur.  For couples that are new with threesomes this point can be difficult due to the fact this is a point where any suggestion that this is a fantasy, is immediately replaced the reality that it is going to happen. Being confronted with the reality that a threesome will happen can create allot of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear of rejection because like many of us when we are in a new unfamiliar situation our confidence begin to fade. Along with fading confidence, having a threesome can bring about a flood of emotions. Before the flood of emotion begins to overtake, it is a good point to have a discussion regarding boundaries and expectations if this had not already been covered.

After agreeing about expectations for the threesome and boundaries for it there are several ways to bring about the threesome. One way is through a game like strip poker, naked Twister, or by drawing cards with sexual activity written on them. Another way would be to change into something “more comfortable” like a negligee or a teddy. It does not need to be something designed to look sexy. However it needs to be something that is easily accessible for exploration, loose fitting, and something easily removed without much effort. Third way would be a porno movie. Fourth all three of you taking a shower together and last way would be being direct by suggesting all three of you move to the bed. In all of these situations the issue is not what is done, instead it is finding a way to cue that as a couple you are ready for the threesome to start and finding a way to remove some of the apprehension.

The Threesome

If the reader does not what goes in a threesome or does not have an idea of what do then in all honesty a threesome is the right choice. This section will talk about the threesome from the couple’s perspective and some of the issues that can come up. Reality is for a couple that is having a threesome for their first time, nothing can completely prepare them for the experience. It is best thought of as a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. Such an experience can create a cornucopia experiences that can range from exhilaration to sheer horror/ Therefore, it becomes important, this author feels, not to act impulsively / emotionally based on what is being experienced and to act logically.

It is not always easy to know how to act logically and if you feel safety (your safety, your partner’s safety, or there is something not safe about the environment) is becoming an issue then it is best to play it safe by ending the threesome then to risk your safety. Short of feeling that, safety is an issue; threesomes can change your perception of things. For example, seeing your partner having sex with someone else can elicit very strong emotions such as pure eroticism or sheer panic. When watching your partner enjoying themselves sexually with some else is easy to think that your partner will leave you for them. However logically that may seem, reality tends to be if as a couple you have a strong caring and loving relationship then it is more probable than not that the feeling is being influence by what you are seeing. For a couple at this point it means they have to rely on their knowledge of the partner and their history together, instead of what they are experiencing, in order gage their reaction.

Another way things can be influenced is instead of watching your partner having sex with someone else is actually having sex with someone else. In a threesome situation it is easy to equate having sex with having feelings for your extra lover. Granted you may feel an emotional bond with the person that you had sex with but it is important not to lose sight that the purpose of the encounter is about physical enjoyment, not emotional attachment. It is important that you find a way to reconnect with your partner as soon as possible. This may mean that you do not have the third person stay in the same bed with you, if they are staying the night or they return to their hotel room if a room was rent. Additionally it may mean that you develop a circle of people who share a similar interest in order to prevent attachment to one particular person or you limit your encounters to one-off situations. Finally this means if you feel an attachment beginning to form with someone, it is immediately brought to your partner’s attention along with ending the relationship with the third. Reason for providing a few suggestions is to prevent attachment is and to preserve your relationship with your partner by keeping emotions separate from sex.

Final way a threesome can bring issues is by the emotional turmoil it can create, especially after the threesome. Up until the threesome happens each participant has the ability to stop it from happening but once it happens there is no way it can be undone. Furthermore there is no way that as a participant in a threesome you will exactly know how you will react until it happens. This is in part due to be being a new experience for you but it is also, in part, due to the activity is readily publicly discussed because it goes against what we have learned about relationships since we were young. The lack of public acceptance of the activity for some can create an emotional dissonance. Emotional dissonance, conflict of feelings, can cause a variety of reactions from anger, to withdrawal, and destruction of the relationship. There is no way to prevent any of the above problems. However a relationship that is stable, with good communication, and a relationship that has matured over a few years can help in alleviating some of these issues.

After the threesome

Many people feel that once the threesome ends and if it ends successfully then there is nothing more that needs to be done. Reality is as you begin to come down the “adrenaline high” from having the threesome and begin facing the reality of what has happened means your perception about what happened may change. Over the coming days, weeks, or even month afterwards there may be some unresolved issues. Unresolved issues can be feeling unsure about an action, feeling guilty about enjoying the experience, being aroused by the threesome to something more involved such as dealing with a boundary that was crossed or development of feelings for the third.  This means taking the time to talk about the experience and do “spot checks” to ensure that there are not unresolved issues that have not been brought up. Should an issue be brought up then it needs to be worked through, understand why it happened, and how it can be addressed. From there determining the next step for you as a couple and if a threesome will be something you want to participate in again Should as a couple you want to consider participating in a threesome again the process begins again by re-examining the boundaries, the choice of the third, and structure of the threesome in order to decide what needs to be changed. At this point communication is about preserving the relationship and learning from the experience so that the relationship can move forward.

Conclusion:

Planning a threesome can take a lot of preparation and probably one of the most difficult parts to plan is transitioning from having a threesome to actually having one. If a couple can take the lead in transitioning to a threesome and is able to do it successfully then the threesome should be enjoyable.

During the threesome the couple needs to be aware there perception may change and not to react too emotionally to a situation unless they feel their safety is at risk. Instead they should wait to discuss anything with their partner after the threesome and discuss it as a part of their debriefing process. The more communication that occurs then the more likely the couple will have a successful threesome

4 thoughts on “Moving beyond the initial conversation

  1. Pingback: How to have a threesome: Secret #1- nice to have versus must have | Threesomes and variations

  2. Pingback: Easing into cuckolding or a threesome | Threesomes and variations

  3. Pingback: 10 things you should know about having a threesome but were afraid to ask | Threesomes and variations

  4. Pingback: Remorse: How to get over it and start living again | Threesomes and variations

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s