Universal boundaries


What are the rules, boundaries, for a threesome? How do I set boundaries for a threesome? Is best not to have boundaries for a threesome and allow my partner to enjoy themselves? All of these are common questions regarding boundaries for a threesome. Boundaries, by definition, are the rules that are implied or agreed that provide the limits for a threesome. It is these limits that allow trust to be formed in order to have a threesome and serve as a way of communicating expectations for the threesome. Without them a threesome would, possibly, descend into chaos and for the couple it could lead to conflict.

Since trust and boundaries are linked it means having a universal set of boundaries is not possible and it means boundaries are couple specific. Does this mean there are no underlying boundaries that most threesomes have? Not necessarily, this author believes there are some boundaries that are necessary to allow other boundaries to be agreed. Implied boundaries are the unspoken boundaries. These are the “rules” the couple develops their time together such as not going to bed angry or talking to each other before a decision is made. Without implied boundaries a relationship would be paralyzed since the simplest of discussions would become protracted discussions and by having implied boundaries a relationship can operate. However, implied boundaries are easily misunderstood since it requires both individuals in the relationship to understand them along with their limits and if an implied boundary is misunderstood then it leads to misunderstanding.

Are there any implied boundaries for a threesome? Yes, such as the decision to have a threesome is a mutual decision made equally by both partners.  Another implied boundary is the responsibility for planning the threesome is shared. However, how the boundaries operate and the extent to which they operate is dependent on the couple defining them. Therefore, a couple should never assume their partner has the same understanding of an implied boundary and they should discuss with their partner on a regular basis their implied boundaries.

This leads this author to the next questions, what about the agreed boundaries? For a threesome to occur this author believes there are a few boundaries that need to be in place for a threesome to occur.  These boundaries either facilitate the discussion or are needed to minimize the risk of conflict afterwards. However, they are not the boundaries that define the limits of the threesome and they are not boundaries that define how the threesome will operate. Typical boundaries to allow the discussion to occur or to minimize conflict afterwards include:

  • Not using the threesome against the other
  • If necessary, agreeing the threesome is a mutual decision
  • Agreeing to discuss the threesome after it occurs and to work through any issues that may have risen.
  • No means no
  • Each person, at any time, has the right to say no to the threesome or any aspect of the threesome.
  • The threesome will not happen until each person is ready and they will go as fast as the person least comfortable with the idea.

Obviously there are more boundaries that a couple can include but they are dependent on their needs along with the type of threesome being planned. In answer to the above questions, the answer depends on the couple, the type of threesome they are planning, and their limits of comfort. Any universal that may exist is only meant to facilitate the discussion regarding having a threesome or to minimize the chance of conflict afterwards.

10 thoughts on “Universal boundaries

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