What next? What is the minimum discussion we need to have before having a threesome?


What next? Is the question that gets asked when you decide to bring up the discussion about having a threesome and before finding the third person. It is a time of uncertainty, insecurity, and facing challenges to the relationship. During this time is about reflection and deciding what needs to be discussed before each of you are comfortable with the idea of having a threesome. Also, it is during this time questions such as what if… happens, potential boundaries are discussed, identifying any activities that need to be reserved for the two of you, and coming together as couple in understanding how a threesome will benefit your relationship. None of these discussions will be easy, there will be disagreements, feelings, and may take time to reach a consensus on them. However the exercise is important as it will foster further communication between the two of you, begin developing your problem solving skills as a couple, and begin to work through any underlying issues that these discussions may identify.

What if…happens discussion is probably one of the most important discussions that the two of you will have. This discussion is essentially identifying any risks to the relationship, discussing its impact, and how the two of you will cope with it. Typical what if topics include:

  • Pregnancy
  • STDs, HIV / AIDs
  • Developing feelings for the third person
  • Mind changes
  • Cannot agree on a third person
  • Variations to plan (e.g. cuckold, wanting to have sex alone with the person, and enjoying it too much)
  • Issues with the third person such as: what if they want me to keep … secret from you.
  • Discover they are bisexual
  • Relationship issues
  • One member of the couple wants to continue wanting to have a threesome while the other does not

Plus there are many more what if… happens topics that each couple can come up with. This discussion should be exhaustive as possible to work through all potential issues along the way and identify how they are going to be handled.

As you work through the what if…happens and develop strategies for dealing with them the need for developing boundaries will begin to occur. Boundaries can be split into at least two categories, relationship and threesome. The relationship boundaries address issues regarding the relationship and topics may include:

  • How to handle issues in the relationship after the threesome occurs
  • Agreeing that the threesome was a mutual decision
  • Agreeing not to use having the threesome against the other
  • Agreeing to not to go to bed mad
  • Agreeing to talk about having the threesome without judgement
  • Realizing each person has a veto and they can exercise it at anytime
  • Only to move as fast as the person least comfortable with having a threesome.
  • The threesome will only occur if both partners are agreeable on the third
  • Communication with the third will be transparent. Meaning no communication occurs without the others knowledge and what is discussed is made known so that there are no surprises.

Threesome boundaries are the boundaries that most people think of when boundaries are mentioned in regards to a threesome. They might include:

  • One off situation
  • No anal sex
  • Both will be present at all times with the third person
  • Condoms / safe sex will be used
  • No watersports, role playing, BDSM, anything that involves pain, or humiliation.

Regardless of the boundaries, boundaries need to be viewed on a periodic basis for relevancy, clarity, and if they need to be changed. It is anticipated that as a couple becomes more experienced with threesomes their boundaries will naturally change.

As boundaries begin to be discussed along with what if…happens, another area begins to become apparent. This area is sometimes referred to as keeping certain activities between ourselves. It means that there are certain activities such as:

  • Kissing
  • Giving oral sex to the male
  • Swallowing cum
  • Anal sex
  • Activities that are special to the couple

Remain with the couple. The general rule is if you will not do it with your partner then you should not do it in a threesome situation.

Keeping certain activities exclusive to the couple can help the couple separate their relationship from having threesomes, help to maintain their relationship, and help build trust in their relationship. Some couples may find that this helps them start out and once they get comfortable they may decide certain activities can be allowed. However it is very much dependent on them.

As these discussions occur it should become apparent the underlying reason for wanting a threesome. There is no one correct reason for having a threesome. However if the reason is:

  • Adding spice to the relationship
  • Fixing the relationship
  • Relationship is getting stale
  • Relationship is under a period of stress / conflict
  • Manipulation or one member of the couple is feeling forced
  • One partner desires the experience much more than the other

Or any other reason that is based on power, control, conflict, stress that could damage the relationship then the threesome should not be done.

There should be an equal desire along with the ability to work through any issue before a threesome is under taken.

Threesomes work the best when the relationship is stable, there is an equal desire, and the couple has the ability to negotiate a solution. If it comes as the result of conflict, unequal desire, manipulation, or relationship stress then there is a good chance that the threesome will be destructive.

In any event the couple is the final deciding factor on that decision based on their discussions and needs at the time.

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