Easing into cuckolding or a threesome


easing into cuckolding and swingingIntroduction

The decision is reached to finally take ‘the plunge,’ and all is left is finding the right person. A few ideas get discussed about possible people to invite and the discussion includes using an ad on a web site. After taking time to search someone who appears to be a good match is found and the reality of having sex with someone outside of the relationship finally becomes real. Now hundreds of thoughts starting arising and confronting a new reality, one that was not thought of during the discussion, how do you ‘ease into’ having the experience?

Solution: Do what is comfortable

When it is not a good idea to have a cuckold or a threesome

‘Easing’ into a threesome or ‘easing’ into a cuckold indicates to me someone who does not know where their comfort level lies. It can also be a warning that boundaries have not been discussed or they were not in alignment with personal beliefs. At worst, it can be a sign that pressure or coercion is being used to gain agreement for a threesome indicating it the planned experience can cause harm.

Listening to ‘the voice’ for direction of ‘easing into’ a threesome or a cuckold

All of us has a ‘little voice in our head’ that tells us:  what is comfortable, the ‘voice’ tells us when we are leaving our comfort zone, and it tells us when we are outside of our level of comfort. Granted in a cuckolding and threesome situation there are two other people; however nothing happens unless you agree to it. This means, there is no reason why ‘the voice’ needs to be muted when it comes to a threesome or a cuckold. It also means, there is no reason as to why ‘the voice’ cannot act as a guide and act as an indicator of where your comfort level exists and use that indicator for establishing boundaries that build a level of trust.

Alternative solution: ‘dipping your toes in the shallow end’

If using your senses to help you guide you about where your comfort level exists and then communicating it does not work, another solution exists. This solution involves taking small steps and once a level of comfort is establish trying something more involved. Each of us has our own definition of a small step and it is not easy to define. Nonetheless, in the context of a threesome or cuckold, it tends to mean starting with a non-sexual activity then build.

Example 1: a fictitious example Mr. & Mrs. Jones

Mr Jones a 48 year old  accountant &  Mrs. Jones a 42 year old nurse agree to have a threesome. Mrs Jones has always enjoyed fantasies of a younger male having sex with her without Mr. Jones present. As a couple they discussed the idea and agreed to try it. As a part of their agreement they agree Mrs Jones will find a male and have sex with him without Mr Jones present. 

After agreeing they found a 38 year old male, Mark Smith but after  finding Mark Mrs. Jones begins having doubts and is unsure if she can go through with it. Mr & Mrs Jones discuss the issue. They discover their initial plan was too bold and scale it back. Instead of having it all happen at once, they agree Mrs. Jones will have a few ‘dates’ with Mark to see if she is ready for the experience.

Example 2: fictitious example George and Melissa

George and Melissa are a middle age couple who seek different ways to explore the boundaries of their relationship. Recently they have agreed to try a threesome with Paul. However, as the threesome approaches Melissa is finding she is unsure if she can go through with the planned threesome. As a result George and Melissa agree their first experience will be a soft-swinging experience and then afterwards they will evaluate the experience to see if the next encounter will be a full threesome.

Alternative Solution 2: KISS it

A good acronym to remember when planning your first threesome is KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). Keeping a threesome or cuckold simple means setting realistic expectations and not viewing the experience as some type of marathon event. It also means, not pushing the boundaries and keeping the first experience simple thereby avoiding a lot of issues later. In a threesome an example of keeping it simple might be having each male having sex with the female instead of trying for ‘split roast’ or double penetration (dp).

When planning a threesome typically two mistakes are made. First mistake is not having boundaries and agreeing to allow anything to happen. Usually this is a bad idea because it does not provide a sense of security, it allows activities not considered to happen,  and it also opens the planned cuckold or threesome to conflict later. Second mistake is like being a child in a toy store and being overwhelmed with all of the choices. This can lead to planning a threesome that is outside of the comfort limit and make a participant uneasy.

Finally

Remember when planning your first threesome or cuckold by KISSing it will alleviate some of the stress associated with it. Also, by communicating it can help to plan a threesome or cuckold that is emotionally secure. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take a threesome or cuckolding experience slow. Just remember to communicate.

Other articles of interest

Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

Secret #3: being confident

Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

Secret #6 – it is the relationship

How to plan and manage a threesome using a checklist

Having the initial discussion

Moving beyond the initial conversation

8 cuckolding secrets every couple should know

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Six secrets that will help you make your fantasy of having a threesome a reality


hot wife lying in waitingIntroduction

Wanting a threesome is the first step to have a threesome but convincing your ‘significant other,’the idea is a good idea is a hurdle that needs overcoming. Sometimes the hurdle is more like a mountain that is almost impossible to climb.

Article Overview

Each article covers an area to consider before approaching your ‘significant other’ about the idea and each secret addresses an area that can help you overcome their initial resistance to the idea. Whilst I cannot guarantee success, each secret when used in conjunction with the others can help increase your change of success or at least minimize the amount of time needed to discuss the topic before finding your third person.

Other articles of interest

Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

Secret #3: being confident

Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

Secret #6 – it is the relationship

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #6 – its the relationship


how do you enjoy herIntroduction

Building a house requires a solid foundation. Otherwise the house will collapse in a very short time. Having a threesome is like building a house. A good relationship with them is needed otherwise any threesome is at risk of collapsing.

Begin with the basics

Time together

The foundation to any relationship is the amount of time together and the more time the relationship is in place the more the couple becomes committed to each other. Time together and commitment do not necessarily correlate. Nonetheless the more time a couple is together the more they have invested in the relationship and the more likely they are willing to work through the issue. Also, the more time a couple is together before having a threesome the more they understand their partner’s idiosyncratic behaviors and understand their partner thereby being less likely to misunderstand their intention.

By being together for some time before having a threesome will help a couple to minimize some of the uncertainty of the outcome a threesome can bring and it gives the couple a better understanding the risk they are undertaking.

So what is a minimum time a couple should be together? While it is possible a couple that has been together for a few weeks can have an enjoyable and successful threesome, time together may become a factor for them the more they have a threesome. In my opinion I believe two to five years is a good starting point.

Communication

For any successful threesome communication is key. Communication is more than talking about where to order pizza or what movie to see. Having a threesome requires a more developed style of communication since it requires discussing subjects that more couples, who do not have threesomes, rarely discuss. This means being comfortable with any subject and being able to react rationally. Without solid communication being able to a threesome that is enjoyable is more difficult and more likely to lead to problems.

Invest time into the relationship

Avoid relationship apathy

The longer a couple is together, I believe, the more likely they are to take each other for granted. I do not believe it is intentional but I do believe with time, a routine develops. This routine leads to a level of predictably and security, which is fine. However, at some point the security that predictability provides becomes replaced with boredom. It is at this point when an affair happens.

Invest in the relationship

I believe, by investing time into the relationship it helps keep the ‘spark’ that binds the couple together and it builds long-term security for the relationship.  So what is investing in the relationship? It is anything that shows the relationship is important. This can include, though not limited to:

  • Date night
  • Making time for your spouse / partner
  • Listening to your spouse / partner
  • Saying positive things about your spouse / partner
  • Saying reaffirming things
  • Doing things to let them know they are special
  • Looking for solutions instead of always trying to compete

By taking the time to show your spouse / partner they matter to you it increases the chances that the relationship can survive having a threesome and increase the chance it can be a positive experience.

Threesome perspective

There are no secrets to convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome. A lot comes down to what they want and if they are comfortable with the idea. This means being prepared to love them for who they are an not what they are able to give you. Having a good relationship that is full of love and respect will go a long-way in trying to convince your spouse / partner to have a threesome. However it is not the ‘holy grail.’ The best you can do is love them, be patient, listen, and by showing them respect may bear the fruit you want.

Other articles of interest

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #5 – looking beyond quid pro quo

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: think marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4 – marathon not sprint


IMG_8802Introduction

Imagine an event that brought a lot of possibilities, such as a job interview. The thoughts of a better life because of the experience and being able to join the company made you believe you could join a select group.  However one thing stood in the way, achieving the goal. Realizing the event is still a dream brought another feeling that felt like carrying a 50lb weight while trying to sprint to the finish line. Knowing a well deserved reward was within reach, nothing else mattered,except experiencing the joy that comes with such an event.

In many ways, having a threesome can bring wonderment and possibilities. It is very easy to focus on the finish-line, having a threesome instead of focusing on the road ahead.

Give it time

Bringing up the idea of having a threesome can be met with a variety of reactions from ending the relationship to a mutual agreement to have a threesome. Preparation for the discussion and projecting confidence in desiring a threesome are essential for the discussion.  Approaching the conversation should not be done a sprint, whereby agreement is made to have a threesome followed by a drive down to the bar to find someone. Instead of reacting to the ‘heat of the moment,’ thought should be given planning the threesome and ensure everyone has a common understanding. This usually means there is a pause in the conversation.

Allowing a pause, as it relates to the discussion of a threesomes, we are always learning from our experiences and as we have more experiences our views of the world change. This does not always means an initial ‘no’ will automatically change to a ‘yes.’ Instead it means giving time to process the suggestion and giving them time to view the suggestion in context of new experiences. This may lead to softening of their position and it can mean the subject can be re-approached.

Exercise to try

To see the impact a pause can have, including yourself. The next time you are having a casual conversation, pause and do not say a word. Alternatively if you are not comfortable trying this then try to think of a time when you had a conversation and there was a pause? What is your feeling? Do you feel, as though you have to say something? What about the other person? Do they feel uncomfortable with it? How does it resolve itself?

A pause in a conversation can be awkward leaving us to find a way to restart the conversation and get beyond that awkward feeling without realizing the pause may be beneficial. This is true with any conversation regardless if the pause is a few seconds or a few years. By understanding how a pause can effect you can help in handling the discussion of a threesome and possibly persuade them to have a threesome.

Conclusion

Pause in a conversation is natural but is can be unnerving. When it does it occur it is important to let the conversation begin naturally instead of trying to restart it because it feels unnatural to keep the pause. Discussing a threesome should be seen as a marathon instead of sprint. By allowing the conversation to begin naturally it signifies thought has been given to the topic of having a threesome and it can mean it reaching an agreement might be easier. Should the outcome be there is no agreement on having a threesome then it is best to let the pause return and love your partner / spouse for who they are instead of what they can give you.

 

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to plan and manage a threesome using a check list


ready for cuckoldingUsing the check-list

Below is a generic checklist meant to guide couples in planning their first threesome. It is not meant to be a comprehensive checking list covering every possible outcome. Instead it recognizes that every threesome takes its own journey and happens at its own speed. Thereby some steps may occur together or not at all. The overall purpose of the list is meant is serving as a reminder of activities that need to occur and there is no guarantee by following the list it will produce an uneventful threesome.

Finally, there are four parts to the checklist: pre-searching, searching, threesome, and post threesome. Pre-searching regards activities prior to searching for the third person. Searching regards activities during the searching phase. Threesome regards activities when narrowing the list and making the decision to invite through the planning the threesome. Finally the post threesome regards activities to work through any issues that may occur.

Pre-search

  1. Initial discussion
  2. Begin understanding the difference between the fantasy of having a threesome
  3. Discussion regarding expectations, potential issues, and risks
  4. Discussion what it will be like watching / having sex in front of your partner
  5. Discussion regarding boundaries
  6. Discussion regarding issues such as dealing with jealousy
  7. Defining cheating
  8. What activities are explicitly off-limits
  9. Safety – personal & sexual
  10. What needs to be communicated and to what extent
  11. Privacy – how much information to reveal and how will information be protected
  12. Where to have the threesome
  13. Who to invite / type of person
  14. When to have the threesome
  15. Division of Labor – Who is responsible for example: posting ads, reviewing replies, arranging meeting etc.
  16. How the search will occur
  17. Determining the criteria for scaling back the interested males / females
  18. Role play / simulating the threesome

Searching

  1. Writing the ad for web sites
  2. How do you, as a couple, identify time wasters
  3. Speaking with a potential third person
  4. Does an interest exist?
  5. If agreement is to ask a friend / co-worker then arrange to speak with them
  6. Sort through replies, identify those of interest, and politely respond back with ‘sorry but not interested’
  7. Agree you have found a potential third person
  8. Arrange an initial meeting with the third person

Threesome

  1. Review boundaries and ensure the two of you have the same understanding.
  2. Communicate boundaries to third person
  3. Make final arrangements for the threesome including a signal / word that indicates it should not happen.
  4. Manage feelings
  5. Enjoy

Post-Threesome

  1. Face the realities of the decision
  2. Debrief
  3. Work through any issues before having another threesome

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

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How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2 – separating emotional sex and physical sex


A-IMG_8560Introduction

From the time our first sex-ed lesson, there is one consistent message and that message is, to have sex you need to love the person.  The message teaches a good lesson about caring, respect, and treating others as equals. It provides the right direction for future relationships. Nonetheless the message also misses three important points.

First the act of sex does not need feelings, only a place. Having feelings for someone else is vital when establishing a long-term relationship for having a family and companionship. The issue of feelings also implies vulnerability, risk of being hurt, and a complex social interaction to develop them then support them. and

Second point, there is nothing wrong having sex for physical enjoyment provided all participants can consent. Having sex for physical enjoyment can be an uncomplicated experience if everyone from the beginning understands the intention and expectation of the encounter.

Third point, the message implies by having sex with someone you love then you will not get hurt.  Getting hurt, means, making the wrong choice about having sex and choosing the wrong person.

Threesomes and feelings

Depending on the type of threesomes be sought, feelings can complicate it. For soft-swinging and a general threesome focusing on pleasure instead of feelings is paramount. If couples approach having a threesome as though they are dating the third person then feelings begin entering into the equation and increasing the risk a damaging outcome will occur. In these situation the ability to enjoy the experience without becoming attached to the third person can happen.

A couple can still be monogamous and have a threesome

It is important to understand there are two parts to monogamy, physical and emotional. Arguably, very few people can claim they are physically monogamous. Physically monogamy means being physically monogamous to one person and depending on the definition, it is possible if you have more than one partner in your lifetime then you are not truly physically monogamous.

This leads to the next part emotional monogamy. Emotional monogamy, I believe, is the core to most relationships. If a couple can keep up their feelings for each other while keeping their feelings for others under control then, I believe, a couple can support their emotional monogamy. For some couples not being emotional monogamous works but for this article, I will focus on keeping feelings separate.

Concurring the monogamy hurdle

Probably the biggest barrier in having a threesome is resolving the idea of cheating. There is no universal definition of cheating. Some definitions are very restrictive that includes a mere thought of someone else other than your spouse as cheating. Having a restrictive definition makes having a threesome nearly impossible and will need some change.

When we were having our threesomes our definition of cheating was quite simple, before the threesome we agree that we would not hold it against the other and we agree there was no cheating was occurring, as long as we kept to our boundaries. By discussing the idea of cheating, monogamy, and what it can mean for the relationship, it can help by progressing the idea of having threesome.

Change the view

Until a couple can accept there are at least two types of sex. Physical sex for pure enjoyment and without forming a relationship with someone else. The second type is emotional sex. This type of sex is shared between two people who care about each other and seek a long-term commitment.

Granted in a relationship each type of sex does occur. Moreover if a threesome is to occur a couple must understand by having physical sex with someone else can mean the relationship can stay intact and it can also mean the changes for the better. Essentially, a couple will have to change their view about sex and relationship.

How to persuade them to have a threesome?

There is no formula, except trial and error. A lot of being able to persuade your partner comes from having a loving stable relationship and understanding their needs. On the journey to have a threesome, it is important your partner understand your feelings for them will not change and having physical sex with someone else will not destroy the relationship.

A lot of how they react will depend on the relationship, their personal beliefs and their experiences. Only by discussing issues such as cheating or the difference between physical and emotional sex can a step towards having a threesome occur. By being patient, willing to openly discuss the topic and giving all the time necessary for the threesome to occur can the journey actually happen. Finally remember there are no guarantees to have a threesome but only to love your partner for who they are, not what they can give you.

Related Articles

Defining Monogamy

Separating Sex from Love

Communication

Bringing up the idea

Getting comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone else

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4: marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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How to persuade them have a threesome: Secret #1- nice to have versus must have


Searching for the answerIntroduction

Many of us have an interest in trying a threesome for a variety of reasons. It might be desiring to throw away the shackles that society places on us about monogamy. For others it might be wanting to explore the limits of their relationship or to give their partner with something, that a monogamous relationship cannot bring them. In some cases having a threesome might be on their ‘bucket list’ of things to do. Whatever the reason the first step is agreeing to have a threesome.

How do you convince your partner to have a threesome?

A very common question that gets asked, “how do I convince him / her to have a threesome?” The simple answer if they are not interested then do not waste your time trying to convince them. Short of a complete refusal there are a few points to consider and in the coming weeks, I will be writing about some of the secrets of trying to move the conversation about having a threesome to a point where it is agreeable.

Nice to have versus Must Have

Must Have

As humans beings we all have needs to feel secure and having a threesome is no different. At the most basic level, for any us to feel secure in a threesome we must have our basic needs met and this is sometimes called a ‘must have.’ A must have, from a threesome perspective, are tangible and  integrable items we need to have a threesome. This might be:

  • Having the threesome as a one-off
  • Avoiding some intimate contact with the third person (e.g. kissing)
  • Being present
  • Seeing communication
  • Safe-sex practices

Nice to Have

‘Must have’ forms a part of the boundary for the couple and the threesome to allow the threesome to happen. Whereas a ‘nice to have’ is something that can make the threesome enjoyable but it is not necessary for it to happen. An example might be:

  • Kissing
  • Bareback
  • Same-sex contact

Moving the conversation forward

The first step in moving toward a threesome involve reaching an agreement about the boundary of the threesome. In order to reach the first agreement understanding your partner’s need is vital. Only by negotiating  the nice to have, discussing your vision of the threesome and then finding a common area whereby each of you can agree. In order to do this, it will mean being open to different possibilities.

Secret #1 – How does having ‘must have’ and ‘nice to have’ help in having a threesome?

Having a threesome mean being open-minded about possibilities and keeping your ‘must haves’ in order to feel secure in the threesome. By understanding why the ‘must haves’ are necessary will help ease further conversations about needs from a threesome. Then at some point the conversation will change to ‘nice to have’ in the threesome and this becomes the area for negotiating to reach the threesome. Only by communicating and understanding needs will a couple be able to move toward having their first threesome.

Other Articles of Interest

Universal Boundaries

Boundaries

Unless you ask, how do I know you want a threesome?

Moving beyond the initial discussion

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #4 – marathon not sprint

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #3: being confident

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #2: separating emotional sex from physical sex

How to persuade them to have a threesome: Secret #1: nice to have versus must have

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