Managing feelings after a threesome


Intro:

Imagine for a moment, planning a threesome and discovering the communicating bringing you together. Next, recall the time spent searching for someone, rejecting some and being stood up by time-wasters.  After searching for a while becoming frustrated that you were not going to find someone that was compatible but after a bit more searching, you meet right person to join you for your threesome.

The threesome was emotionally intense watching your partner having sex with someone else. Heart was racing, sweat covered your body, and in a constant state of readiness. It brought up a lot of conflicting emotions that went from loss of your partner to sheer arousal. Each moment you could not decide if this was the most erotic experience you ever had or if you should leave the room. However the sight of your partner sexually enjoying themselves kept you there.

After the threesome a lot was going through you mind after the “thrill” of the experience ended. It started to raise questions about what occurred and left you feeling confused about your relationship. The scene of the threesome still arouses you but at the same time it angers you. Nonetheless, the above scene does raise the question, how do you deal with feelings after a threesome? Also, how do you plan a threesome in order to protect your relationship from the damage a threesome can cause? This article will examine the question from three perspectives: debriefing after wards, managing feelings, and suggested steps for dealing with feelings.

Debriefing:

Having a threesome is an emotionally intense experience and it can bring about an altered perception of reality. It is important in the minutes and days that follow to be careful about impulsively reacting to the threesome instead of discussing it. Debriefing means taking the time to talk through the threesome, including:

  • What went well
  • What did not go well
  • Feelings it brought up
  • Concerns that it raised
  • Boundaries that may have been violated
  • Boundaries that may need to be changed or removed
  • Next steps

It also means talking about the threesome as long as necessary in order to resolve the issues that it has brought up. This means instead of replaying the threesome over in your mind, like a DVD, and reacting to what you believed happen, you are taking the time to speak with your partner about the aspects of the threesome that are causing some issues for you. Also it means, debriefing is a process that allows for discussion of threesome in a calms rational way that may help to de-escalate issues thereby helping to preserve the relationship.

Finally debriefing should occur as soon after the threesome as possible. Ideally the discussion should start right after the third person leaves in order to work through any feelings the threesome created and begin dealing with the feelings instead of trying to avoid the subject.

Managing Feelings / Emotions:

Managing feelings essentially means, being able to separate sex from love and it means, being able to enjoy the physical aspects of sex without developing the emotional attachments that come with sex. On the surface this sounds fairly straightforward. However, having sex with someone is an emotionally intense experience that leads to some emotional bonding afterwards and being able to separate the two is not easy. There are two predictors this author feels that will determine a couple’s ability to do this.

First is the strength of the couple’s relationship, and by strength this author means how well the couple is bonded. Bonding is a complex discussion that is beyond the scope of this article and for this discussion means, the extent to which a couple to maintain their relationship with facing an outside threat. In this case the outside threat is the invited third person for the threesome. A couple that is emotionally attached, that has a history together of working through issues successfully, and effectively communicates is in a better position to deal with any threat a threesome may pose. This also means they are in a better position to plan their threesome and put in boundaries that will minimize a threat to their relationship from the third person.

Second is the individual’s ability to keep the threesome in perspective. This means the individual is able to realize a threesome is about sex, not emotions, and is able to keep the two separate. Also, it means the individual is able to effectively communicate this need and is able to take the appropriate steps once they realize they are becoming emotionally attached to the third person.

In order to manage feelings, this author feels, each person needs to understand themselves and how they operate as a couple. Without having some awareness of this, it means being able to manage their feelings becomes difficult since the appropriate boundaries and structure cannot be added to the threesome.

Suggested Steps:

This raises the question, what can a couple do to manage emotions of a threesome and manage feelings after a threesome? The starting point is having a secure and stable relationship. This means no using coercion, pressure or manipulation to have a threesome. It also means not using drugs or alcohol to facilitate having a threesome. By using emotional pressure or mind altering substances to have a threesome it make managing feelings difficult. Finally it means having an open enough communication whereby any topic can be discussed.

Next it means taking a look at the planned threesome and deciding if there is enough protection for the relationship. This could mean looking at having the threesome as a one-off situation. Also, it could mean looking at the selection of the third person, such as not choosing a friend or co-worker. Next, it may mean looking at the time spent building up to the threesome. It means minimizing the building of a friendship with them and having the threesome shortly after meeting them.

Thirdly it means adding structure to the threesome. Structure and boundaries are similar the difference lie in the detail. Boundaries set the limits of the threesome and the structure is how the threesome operates. Essentially this means the structure of the threesome flows from the boundaries. For example Couple A may have a boundary that oral sex is acceptable. However they may have discussed if oral sex is to occur then the wife would perform oral sex on her husband before performing it on the invited male. By having this rule it adds structure to the threesome that if oral sex is going to happen it is to be done on the husband first. Likewise a Couple B may have a boundary not to have threesome with anyone they know and not to invite the person back. This may mean having they have threesome while on vacation, thereby minimizing the risk of being found out and adding structure to their threesome.

Finally it means reviewing the boundaries. This means taking a look to see if any of the boundaries include relationship boundaries, such as not using the threesome against the other or having scheduled time to debrief about having the threesome? In addition it means taking a look at the boundaries and determining if they are realistic and practical? Boundaries may sound good on paper but their usefulness may not. This can lead to problems later and increase the chance of conflict.

Conclusion:

Being able to manage feelings after a threesome is paramount for the relationship to continue and to preserve the couple’s relationship. Debriefing and setting appropriate boundaries are necessary if a relationship is to survive a threesome. Without considering how to manage feelings by putting in place the appropriate boundaries and by having a relationship whereby communication is open, can lead to problems after a threesome. Therefore, it is this author’s feeling, considering feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the success of a threesome and the emotional well-being of those involved

2 thoughts on “Managing feelings after a threesome

  1. Excellent article and very good advice. One thing that is missing is what to do if some of the pre-set boundaries are not kept and how to recover from them.

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